Boyfriend hasn't planned anything for my birthday

[NewUserNamePostedBefore]

It's my birthday next week.

For the last couple of months my boyfriend talked about doing something 'special' for my birthday and doing it this weekend.

Previously he talked about going to an expensive restaurant and mentioned it a few times. I asked him about it a week or so ago (where we are going) and he said there were no tables available and asked where else I wanted to go. That restaurant was his idea and I felt like he had really talked it up.

Today is Wednesday, so I asked him (generally) if there was anything he wanted to do this weekend.

Because he works away (and because he doesn't like talking on the phone) our conversation was had via text while he was doing nothing in his room (he wasn't working, he was unwinding).

He got weird and said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and "I'll let you be"

To which I responded "you're just busy"

He then texted "Yes" "Cause I'm at work" "Sorry that I don't have time to look at what to do this weekend"

I replied "I'll leave you alone then" (I don't like confrontation or to argue while he is away - or even in person).

He wrote "fine" and "I don't know why I am always the one organising things".

This has really hurt my feelings, but what actually upset me was when he later said he assumed we wouldn't do anything this weekend because it was too close to my mother's death and he thought her death was the day before my birthday. I only told him about the anniversary of her death a few hours ago (mere hours before this conversation).

Why would he choose today to tell me that he was resentful of him having always having to organise things? He actually doesn't organise everything - it doesn't matter to argue, because that won't stop him being resentful.

He hasn't asked me what I want for my birthday and the only reason I am even bringing this up is because he made such a big deal about doing something 'special' and saying he would make a big deal of it.

I don't have any expectations for gifts or anything expensive, I would have been happy to go some place cheap by the beach. I'm upset because of the day it is today and because of his reaction when I asked him about it.

He won't be home next weekend so really this was the only weekend to do something near my birthday.

He's now sent me about 10 messages and called and I don't want to look at my phone, so I am writing here.

Can anyone tell me their relationship/birthday disappointment stories so I don't feel so unreasonable being upset?

[Shoxfordian]

I can't tell you any disappointing stories because my husband isn't selfish and thoughtless. Why are you with him? How long have you been together? He sounds useless

[KC225]

He is gasligting, blaming you for his crap behaviour. He let you think he was going to arrange something special, hasn't bothered and is now it is your fault. Its not about the birthday, its about the way he has handled it.

His long have you been with him?

Red flag territory if its not long.

[NewUserNamePostedBefore]

@KC225
I've been with him since October last year. I wondered about him possibly gaslighting me. Particularly given he asked me when I was seeing him next - he seems to want me to be available but won't tell me what we would do. I find it very difficult to open up to anyone and I think the reason I was upset was because I could see what he was doing and I think I expected him to do something like this.

[Damntheman]

Give up on him organising anything and plan to go out with your friends instead. Then consider if you actually want to stay with someone who can't even make your birthday a special day.

[ATBhinchers]

Bin him off. Seriously he sounds like a right knob. 100% you can do better.

[hopeful31]

Organise something with ur friends and blow him off.

[KM99]

Why would he choose today to tell me that he was resentful of him having always having to organise things?

Because he's gaslighting you. He's dangled this night out like a carrot for weeks only to suddenly switch gears and try to shift the blame on you for why it's not happening.

Plan your own night out, bin him off (for the night at least but I'd seriously think about a permanent arrangement!).

Have a good birthday OP x

[StopLazyJournosCopyingContent]

If that text exchange is typical of his behaviour, I think you’ll save yourself time and heartache if you end it now.

If it’s not typical, then perhaps sit down with him and explain why it bothered you when you’re both relaxed and he’s not working.

[Babooshkar]

It’s only been a few months and things are already this depressing?

I think if you dig deep you already know if this relationship is going anywhere.. Sorry OP.

[Arowana]

I'm not massively into birthdays, but I'd be upset by this. Mentioning the meal out several times beforehand, followed by the things he's now said, seems mean.

Is he usually kind and thoughtful? Is this a one off?

[Fairenuff]

Don't be with someone who can't talk on the phone. It's pathetic.

[FineWordsForAPorcupine]

He is someone who believes he should always get credit for his intentions, not his actions.

He talked a lot about taking you to a nice restaurant because it was a no-effort way to look like a big man. But when it came to it, he felt resentful of the effort, time and expense it would entail. So he found it very easy in his head to turn it round into you being demanding, insisting on him doing everything, only this expensive restaurant will do, etc.

He will do this with other things, if he hasn't already - insisting on being in charge of something or making grand plans, then failing to deliver and calling the people he had let down demanding and ungrateful.

How do I know this? My brother is just the same. He thinks that saying that he is planning to do something thoughtful /generous /kind should be treated exactly the same as if he'd actually done it. So when he lets you down, he still expects all the gratitude and understanding. A really minor example : we were both living at home, and I was taking my driving theory test. He offered (I didn't ask) to drop me off on town, saving me a twenty minute bus ride. I thanked him and said what time I had to be there. He agreed, then when it came to it, he was deliberately late and slow. I got cross and said I was going to be late, and he said "well, you wouldn't be able to get there at all if it wasn't for me" and tried to imply he was doing me a massive favour, and that I was the unreasonable one.

[Crunchymum]

It all sounds very odd. You don't like talking on the phone, he didn't know about anniversary of your mother's death until today and then immediately used it against you? He works away alot?

Run for the hills.

[NewUserNamePostedBefore]

@Arowana
He isn't usually kind and thoughtful. He tells me constantly how much he loves me; but I have learned to measure someone by their actions rather than their words. His actions tell me that he doesn't care, and also that he is stingy. He didn't bother to book the restaurant. The restaurant was his idea because he had never been to a place like that before.
He recently asked me about going on holiday with him; it was feelers but not an actual invite. Words don't actually matter. I know that. I am still disappointed.

[LeekMunchingSheepShagger]

Essentially he can't be bothered to organise anything for your Birthday. Organise something with your friends and don't invite him. You deserve better.

[Fraying]

I had an ex like that. Full of big, elaborate plans then nothing would happen.

The best birthday present you can give yourself is dumping him. Then go out with your friends.

[justasking111]

God my man is a thoughtless, forgetful shit at times. But my birthday he rarely forgets. He has done though. The time he forgot, FB reminded him, I organised a day out for myself to Cheshire Oaks, he felt so bad he insisted on taking me ( he hates shopping with a passion) that after a bit of shopping a lovely lunch I forgave him.

[ThreeAnkleBiters]

If he was really "always organising things" it would seem a very odd time to suddenly be annoyed by it on the weekend of your birthday. It's hardly difficult to book a restaurant, especially when he's already suggested doing that.

[MikeUniformMike]

Maybe he is planning to surprise you.

[Atalune]

He sounds horrid.

You know what he is all about. Dump him

[FizzyGreenWater]

Words don't matter. Actions do.

Actually his words are pretty shit too aren't they though?

Lying (I thought it was because of the anniversary) gaslighting (as above) and FUCKING HELL THIS:

"I don't know why I am always the one organising things".

You. Have. Been. With. Him. For. Four. Months.

And he comes out with the whiniest, most self-centred line that the grimmest of bad 25 year marriages would be proud of.

For the love of god, get rid of him and find someone who is actually nice to have a relationship with!!!

And do it now so that you can have a nice time on your birthday!

[PrincessScarlett]

If you've only been with him since October and he's already behaving like this -presumably this is your first birthday with him - you need to get rid otherwise it is only going to get worse.

Organise a night with friends and tell him not to bother.

[Hunter037]

If you've only been together since October you should still be in the honeymoon period, going out of your way to impress each other on occasions such as birthdays. If he's behaving like this after less than 6 months together then it will only be downhill from here!

[Lolly34h]

I'm currently sat on the eve of my birthday and both my teenagers are stopping out tonight. I'm nc with my mother for other reasons so she won't acknowledge the day or the rest of my family. I haven't had a birthday present from anyone since I was 16 and I feel like poo today and will be worse tommoro

[NewUserNamePostedBefore]

@ThreeAnkleBiters - I agree. It was odd. And he isn't always organising things. I have invited him to things and I have paid for tickets to things. One time I organised dinner, outdoor movies and paid for everything. I don't think him organising something is deciding which cafe we should go to when I have slept over his house, or going for a walk by the beach and jointly deciding where to have dinner.
It was an odd time to show his resentment.
I wasn't upset he forgot the date of my mother's death, even though I know I told him it was a week before but the funeral was a day before my birthday one year.
I found it weird that I said today that that was why I was down and then he decides it is an ideal opportunity to voice his discontent via a text message.