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To not want to provide free childcare because I work part time?

(145 Posts)
Babynut1 Wed 20-Feb-19 08:51:21

I’m one of 3 siblings. After having my children, my childcare options were limited so I paid a fortune for nursery and went pt. In doing so my salary dropped by about £10K a year. It’s been tight but we manage.

My youngest goes full time in Sept. My niece is in the same class so I have her one morning a week and take her to preschool with my DD.

When they go full time, my niece won’t be coming up me as my sil will be dropping her to breakfast club and she’ll be going to after school club.

We’ve decided that I won’t be going back to work full time as I’d struggle with full time childcare in school hols and it means I’ll still be able to take and collect my children from school and take them to activities etc.

My sister and her husband both work full time and earn much more than us. She has a boy and a girl. Her eldest is in full time school. She’s never paid for childcare and doesn’t want to go part time. She’s on mat leave at the moment and her going back to work coincides with my youngest going to full time work.
She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days.

I don’t mind helping out with school runs etc with her eldest as I’m going anyway. But AIBU not to want to have her baby on my non working days?

I’m not in the best of health, I have arthritis in many joints. I also feel like I’ve forked out a fortune in childcare over the past few years and sacrificed a lot to make things work for my family.

I plan on using my days off to do my housework, go to the gym, swimming and gentle exercise to help with my arthritis.

AIBU completely selfish for not wanting to loook after my sisters baby 2 days a week when she goes back to work?

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue Wed 20-Feb-19 08:54:53

YANBU or selfish. She chose to have those children, not you, so she needs to make provisions for them.

Intohellbutstayingstrong Wed 20-Feb-19 08:58:19

YANBU. Stick to your guns.

MatildaTheCat Wed 20-Feb-19 08:59:55

You know YANBU. Just tell her you have other plans. End of.

MigGril Wed 20-Feb-19 09:00:28

I think maybe it's fair to say you'd be willing to do emergency back-up care in case of sick days, but no to regular child care. Your health is important and it's your sisters choice to go back to work full time.

LoisWilkerson1 Wed 20-Feb-19 09:01:34

Nip this in the bud now. I'm in the same position, I've made sacrifices for my family not for others to benefit. I've seen people stay full time, advance their careers, get bigger homes etc while I'm stuck at home it's petty maybe but watching a baby for free is a big ask. Just say no.

MzHz Wed 20-Feb-19 09:01:52

She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days.

Well, you can actually tell her that you absolutely won’t be her free childcare service! Didn’t see her stepping up for YOU when you were paying through the nose.

“Sis, somewhere along the line you appear to have decided or assumed that I’ll pick up your childcare responsibilities, I need to correct that assumption now so that you have plenty of time to resolve this issue. I have my own children to look after, I have my own limitations and the decision I’ve taken is to work part time so I can managed my own family, I’m not able or willing to take on any more than I have to”

Fluffyears Wed 20-Feb-19 09:03:54

Not your problem. She’s a cheeky fucker just deciding this for you.

formerbabe Wed 20-Feb-19 09:03:57

Yanbu. You will be facilitating her earning. Suggest she goes part time and does pick ups while you go back full time?!

Flicketyflack Wed 20-Feb-19 09:04:05

Say no!

You can elaborate with your reasons but you don't need to.

We all make choices in life and you are not there to prop her up. Helping out occasionally is not the same as facilitating her life. grin

MzHz Wed 20-Feb-19 09:04:07

Bugger that with emergency back up on sick days! That is what parental leave is for! Op has her own family that she won’t want to come down with similar illnesses.

Favour yes, expectation no.

RogueV Wed 20-Feb-19 09:04:51


Say no

AuntMarch Wed 20-Feb-19 09:07:06

My mum has told me she is going to do a day for me- and I'm worried it's too much commitment. I'd never dream of asking!

finn1020 Wed 20-Feb-19 09:11:18

God no, dont do it unless you want to. Or is she planning on splitting her wages equally with you for the days she expects you to do childcare?

MissEliza Wed 20-Feb-19 09:11:50

Please nip this in the bud now. You don't have to elaborate on the reasons. I've heard to siblings sharing the childcare but never one doing it for the other with no reciprocation.

FinallyHere Wed 20-Feb-19 09:16:07

I deleted my first draft replay to echo the wise words of @MzHz which are just perfect.

Jackshouse Wed 20-Feb-19 09:16:32

Tell her that you won’t be available to do childcare for her ASAP. Text her now.

I would text her now and say you just realised that she may have been suggesting that you look after the baby but obviously she won’t be expecting you give her free childcare anyway so you must have mistaken but that you definitely wouldn’t be able to do childcare for anyway.

Freshstart40 Wed 20-Feb-19 09:20:16

No way OP don't do it. I'm a SAHP due to cost of childcare and have had a few full timers try and take advantage. We make sacrifices and live on a budget to facilitate this. You also don't have to justify what you do on your days off. Even just relaxing watching your favourite show. It's YOUR time.

EvaHarknessRose Wed 20-Feb-19 09:20:32

You need to tell her now, yanbu, but she needs to make decisions accordingly. Be clear ‘dsis just checking as you said something the other day about my days off - I love dn to bits but won’t be able to be auntie childcare from x as I have other plans - just being clear to make sure you are not assuming I can.’

JRMisOdious Wed 20-Feb-19 09:23:11

No of course you’re not. She must make her own, independent arrangements.

MissEliza Wed 20-Feb-19 09:24:06

Don't offer emergency cover either.

AuntieStella Wed 20-Feb-19 09:24:39

You need to make it very clear to evwryine how much you are looking forward to having a bit of time back, after the long years of full-on nose-to-nose toddler care.

If they still have the nerve to ask you, you tell them that too, and say that you wouid of course do what you could to help them if (for example) their CM has to have a brief unexpected closure or something else truly exceptional. And say how much you sympathise - you're just coming out of the expensive/demanding years and you wish her the best in finding suitable arrangements (offer nursery, CM recommendations at this point, if you have any)

eddielizzard Wed 20-Feb-19 09:25:26

No, you can't help on your days off! What a fucking cheek!

Papillon45 Wed 20-Feb-19 09:28:28

YADNBU I’ve been in a similar situation, where I was a SAHM and family and friends meant I would be happy to be their free childminder. I left my 30k+ job as my long hours combined with my husband’s long hours made family life very difficult. Like you I also have health problems that we’re greatly improved by giving up work. Now my children are at school I work part time in a school so that I don’t have any issues with childcare. This means a serious reduction in pay, which I am fine with as me and my family have a better life because of it. However, I’m not ok with using it to regularly subsidise family and friends who want the best of both worlds and expect everyone else to step up and be their childcare (the people I’m talking about are professionals and have plenty of money to pay for childcare). I’ve even had the parent of a classmate of one of my children tell me that I should look after her kids in the summer holidays for free because it’s so hard to find childcare. Our kids aren’t friends, have never been to our house and I don’t really know the Mum either.

I agree with other posters. Nip it in the bud, if possible try and do it tactfully as she’s family, but absolutely don’t do it!

Tobebythesea Wed 20-Feb-19 09:29:31

Be very clear now so that her or her partner can look at childcare options.

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