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AIBU?

Grandad's funeral ceremony

110 replies

Blueuggboots · 20/02/2019 08:32

My grandad has recently died.
He was not religious in any way shape or form and never expressed a desire to be so.
Before he died, he said he wanted 2 songs at his funeral which are hymns which we have adhered to.
When we talked to the celebrant yesterday, my mum (DIL of grandad) announces we were having the Lord's Prayer. When I said no to this, she announced that as a professing Christian, she felt it was right to have this. I pointed out that as my Grandad was not a professing Christian that I didn't feel it was remotely appropriate and that a period of quiet reflection would be better....
AIBU?

OP posts:

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SummerHouse · 20/02/2019 08:35

I would say you are right but I would let it go. Not worth the battle at all. I am not religious at all but would not care if a prayer was read at my funeral. My only care would be for the people there to be supportive of each other and not falling out. Sorry for the loss of your grandad.

QueenArseClangers · 20/02/2019 08:37

Is your mum the funeral directors’ client?
Professionally speaking, whatever the paying client decides on normally goes (within reason).

Any chance of chatting to the celebrant? Would the prayer actually be of help to the mourning family?

CallipygianFancier · 20/02/2019 08:55

So this is your father's father? I think you're right, but what does your dad think, and any siblings he has? And I mean what does he really think, not just what will avoid arguments with your mum.

If he doesn't think it's particularly an affront to your grandad's viewpoint on such matters, and it avoids causing friction within your family, maybe let this one slide.

MatildaTheCat · 20/02/2019 08:57

Gently, I presume that neither of you are next of kin? It is more usual for the closest relatives to chose the content of the funeral and the rest to ahhere to that decision.

If your grandfather was an atheist I would agree with you but he chose hymns and ‘wasn’t religious ‘ which may we’ll have meant he would have identified as CoE ( or whatever) when push came to shove. I would leave it.

Blueuggboots · 20/02/2019 09:04

I am next of kin. My dad (his son) is not coming to the funeral as he is abroad and they weren't close. He WAS NOK but I changed it with his agreement a few months before my Grandad died as I was here and he wasn't.
I am the funeral director's client.

OP posts:

Blueuggboots · 20/02/2019 09:04

My dad is an only child. I was closest to my grandad.

OP posts:

RiverTam · 20/02/2019 09:07

funerals are for the living, not the dead. You're including the hymns your grandad wanted, but there's nothing to say you can't include anything else and if it would help someone and not hurt anyone then I would go with it.

I'm sorry for your loss

CrispbuttyNo1 · 20/02/2019 09:08

For the sake of keeping the peace I would let the prayer be said. It wont harm anyone.

Blueuggboots · 20/02/2019 09:09

We are a small family. There is only my mum (his DIL), me and my brother to make the decisions.
My brother and I are not Christians and although my dad is, I feel he would agree that his dad was not religious.
My mum has form for trying to make things about her, but that's another story!!!!!

OP posts:

DarklyDreamingDexter · 20/02/2019 09:10

What does your Dad want? He's the next of kin and it's his choice (and those of his siblings) which should be taken into consideration. However, if your Grandad liked hymns, he probably wouldn't have minded, even if he wasn't particularly religious himself. I wouldn't make too much of a fuss at a difficult time.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 20/02/2019 09:13

Cross posted that your Dad is an only child. Why is it that it is just your Mum, your brother and you to make decisions? Where's your Dad in this?

Jessbow · 20/02/2019 09:14

unless the funeral service comprises - walk in, sing two
hymns back to back and walk out, then you are being unreasonable.

Surely there is other stuff besides the hymns - a poem, a reading etc
in which case, why cant there be the lords prayer? Its hardly an off the wall request

picklemepopcorn · 20/02/2019 09:14

This is tricky. Why does having the LP bother you so much?

It seems to me that you get final say, but bear in mind the sensibilities of other people. If it brings people comfort, and does no harm, then you may want to let it be.

HeddaGarbled · 20/02/2019 09:15

Seriously, don’t have a row about this. It doesn’t matter. You’ve got enough to cope with at the moment without having unnecessary arguments

picklemepopcorn · 20/02/2019 09:16

As Jessbow says, you could consider it as a reading of your Mum's choice.

Do you have a lot of experience of funerals? If your mum, as is usual, has more then it may be worth bearing that in mind.

There needs to be some content.

barefaced · 20/02/2019 09:18

We had the Lord's Prayer at my grandad's funeral, he wasn't religious but my Nan wanted it. There were a lot of things I had to let go with the funeral, I wanted it to be perfect for him but really it was the grief making me want to control it. I think of the funeral as a collaboration between everyone who loved him, to remember and celebrate. This is your mum's addition, I understand your position but I'd let it go. You can do both - prayer followed by quiet rejection. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Nanny0gg · 20/02/2019 09:19

Was your mum close to your grandad?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 20/02/2019 09:22

You’re the next of kin, you’re organising the funeral; you make the decision.

If your father wasn’t close enough to his dad to even come, I can’t see why his presumably ex-wife should have a say in the arrangements for her former father-in-law’s funeral.

joyfullittlehippo · 20/02/2019 09:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JRMisOdious · 20/02/2019 09:29

Perfect illustration of why I’ve specified a direct cremation.

I’m not religious but wouldn’t care if someone said the LP for me after I’ve gone, I won’t know. I’d let it go if it means that much to everyone else, not worth a family rift.

Blueuggboots · 20/02/2019 09:30

We are having the two songs, a eulogy and a poem with some music to accompany the period of quiet reflection.
I asked my dad via email if there was anything he wanted said or done and he said no.
My mum was close to my grandad (my parents divorced last year after almost 50 years of marriage) but she continued to support my grandad as well as me.
I just feel like it's a bit silly - saying a prayer when a large majority of the family don't believe it, including the person in the coffin!!!

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Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/02/2019 09:34

She can say the prayer quietly to herself during the period of reflection. Everyone wins.

ShartGoblin · 20/02/2019 09:37

In my opinion, funerals are about the living not the dead. They exist to allow us to grieve and say goodbye. We get together and make peace with our loved ones, we drink, we laugh we remember. I think I would be inclined to agree to the prayer (I say that as an atheist) because that's what your mum needs. Whilst it's probably not what he wanted because he's not a Christian, do you think he would have compromised in order to help with the pain of loss here?

I'm not religious at all but if I died and any of my family were, I would want them to have any service that made it easier for them.

merrybloomizoothief · 20/02/2019 09:37

i think that this is not the hill to die upon

your grandad is dead-he doesn't care what gets said
if saying the prayer avoids any ill feeling then just have it

pallasathena · 20/02/2019 09:37

Let it go...you're being difficult OP.

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