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To want a picture of my bio children

(458 Posts)
Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:03:24

Had a photoshoot of my bio children 3 months ago and I really want a canvas printing for my back wall, AIBU that my stepchild is not on this?

CrispbuttyNo1 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:07:00

Tricky.. do your children have the same father as your stepchild? does your stepchild visit often? Is there a proper photo of the stepchild up in a prominent place too?

todayandtomorrow Wed 20-Feb-19 00:07:40

Was your stepchild at the photo shoot?

blackcat86 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:09:00

I think it would be fine to put a canvas in your bedroom but not in the communal spaces unless there are also lots of separate pics of the step child with family.

SleepingStandingUp Wed 20-Feb-19 00:09:07

Why wasn't your step child in it?

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:09:29

Yes all children have the same father, I have one of my eldest and one of my stepchild on the mantlepiece, not yet had any printed of my newborn.

My eldest and newborn had a photoshoot and I want a canvas of my babies

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:11:01

No stepchild was not in the shoot as we did not have her on that day and the availability times of the photographer were sparse (she is very cheap and all we could afford at the time)

Serenity45 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:11:23

It really depends I think. Every family member can't be in every picture...but context is everything. Are there other pictures of your stepchild or including them? How many and how big? Was there a reason they weren't included in the photoshoot?

Serenity45 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:12:33

Cross post about why they weren't included

JasperKarat Wed 20-Feb-19 00:12:49

If all three were your biological children would the amount of pictures you have of each be what you consider to be fair and would you have one picture of the eldest and middle and another of middle and youngest? If yes , go ahead.

BartonHollow Wed 20-Feb-19 00:12:49

Though I get that urge

That's a very hurtful thing for your DSS that he will remember, why did you not want all 3 together for the wall, and some of just your two separate for elsewhere

Plus a big canvas is a bit of a statement as to who is family in this house

DeepDarkWoods Wed 20-Feb-19 00:13:46

If you want the picture on the wall then I think you should put it up. As long as you have pictures up of the stepchild as well.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:13:50

Tbh OP I think that would be an incredibly shitty thing to do to your step child.

Unless they’re 23, imagine going to your dad’s house and on the wall is a picture of his new family.

WarpedGalaxy Wed 20-Feb-19 00:14:26

I think you should have one done of all your DH’s bio children too, you know, for balance.

Hellywelly10 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:15:12

How would you feel if you were the stepchild looking at the print?

HennyPennyHorror Wed 20-Feb-19 00:15:18

It's not shitty at all. My friend has photos of her bio kids on the wall together...unless your step child lives with you...then it would be shitty.

snitzelvoncrumb Wed 20-Feb-19 00:16:10

It's fine as long as you also have pics of your step child up too.

hoge Wed 20-Feb-19 00:18:54

I have pictures up that don't contain all of my actual children. How can it be wrong to have a pic with just some of the children? I have literally LOADS of pics that contain one, all three or a combination of 2 of my DC.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:20:02

They may not live there full time @hennypennyhorror but it’s still their home, where their dad lives.

OP, I’m not trying to be horrible but couldn’t you have booked it at a later date when your step child would be there?

sweeneytoddsrazor Wed 20-Feb-19 00:21:26

A canvas print is not a photo though is it. Its much bigger and a photo of dss along side it will make it seem even more prominent. By having just your own 2 in it really emphasises that dss is an outsider

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:21:27

@hoge your dad’s just had a new baby with someone and does a family photo shoot of his children you’re not involved in....

Fishwifecalling Wed 20-Feb-19 00:21:31

I think you are sending a message to your stepchild that she isn't really considered as properly part of the family. I think it's a bit sad.

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:21:37

We have pics of stepchild up and one of all of them but I want my bubbas canvas on the wall ( my stepchild couldn't be at the shoot ) she doesn't live with us

Seren85 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:22:35

I initially thought that it was shitty to exclude SC then realised that at DH Dad's house there were always huge photos of his half sisters (just called sisters, obvs) and few of him. Then I remember meeting DH and finding out how much he felt like his SM wished he didn't exist because he was "before" and think it would be really really U. Sorry.

hoge Wed 20-Feb-19 00:22:38


Ok, so not the same as not having your bio children in every picture.

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 20-Feb-19 00:23:26

Get one of the three of them done, or take a good one yourself of all three and print it out and frame it. And display both. And maybe have some other combinations too.

Stompythedinosaur Wed 20-Feb-19 00:24:11

I think that would be hurtful and wrong. It would basically be a huge reminder that your dss isn't a real member of the family. Either have a photo shoot with all the children in or keep the photos private.

WarpedGalaxy Wed 20-Feb-19 00:24:12

It’s not just a photo though is it HennyPennyHorror? It’s a bespoke statement piece, a canvas of only two of the DH’s three bio children and, incidentally, the half-siblings of the child in question. Seems very pointed and more than a bit off to me.

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:24:30

My newborn would have changed so much by the time I was able to rearrange and have all of the kiddies in it

To be honest though I do feel that I should be able to have a pic of just my babies, stepchild is very much included but doesn't every mum want a pic of just their babies

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:26:24

Why should i have to keep my babies pics private ?

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:26:57

Yeah of course they do but you CHOSE to be a step mum. A big portrait of all “your” children is a statement. A statement that daddy has his new family now and they’re a bit different to your step child.

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 00:27:08

@Fairydustsprinkled of course every parent does op but you took on your dp knowing he had a dc and I think to put up a huge canvas of just your 'bubbas' as you call them is a bit shitty towards your dss ... it's not her fault her dad has a new family, would it really hurt you to keep the canvas to yourself and get a new one done with her in it for everyone's sake.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:27:36

You don’t have to keep them private. You have to include your other child. Because that’s what your step child is.

Pillowaddict Wed 20-Feb-19 00:27:49

I think actually yabu, a big canvas reinforces the fact they weren't important enough to even be at the shoot let alone displayed on the wall. Different if they had also been there and you put a separate canvas up of them, but hurtful and pointed to have one of only your two imo.

pallisers Wed 20-Feb-19 00:27:57

but doesn't every mum want a pic of just their babies

maybe (I didn't care much about photos but I can see why people do) but if you have those babies with a man who already has a child you may have to accept that the photo of your babies doesn't go on the wall in pride of place. because that would be hurtful to a child who is as important to your husband as your children are. You have the pic. Why do you need to display it so prominantly. Why not frame it and put it on your dressing table or nightstand or on the sideboard with all the other photos.

sweeneytoddsrazor Wed 20-Feb-19 00:28:12

Every mum might well want a picture of just their babies but they are all dads babies. Part of being a blended family is not to exclude the children who dont live in the house full time.

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 00:28:20

Maybe DP Would like a canvas of ALL his dc up on the wall... curious to know what he thinks of you putting up just your children?

HerRoyalNotness Wed 20-Feb-19 00:28:43

Yes it’s fine. You have some of your SC as well. Do a snap at home of the 3 of them and print for mantle.

WyfOfBathe Wed 20-Feb-19 00:29:01

I don't see any problem with having a picture of just your bio children, as long as you also have pictures (from different occasions) with your stepchild. Don't most people have pictures with only some of their children in??

Stompythedinosaur Wed 20-Feb-19 00:29:06

I think that when you have a relationship with someone who has children, you have to accept those children are part of the family.

Your dss already has things tougher than your bio dc. It really isn't worth making things emotionally harder for him. Just let him be included in family things.

WarpedGalaxy Wed 20-Feb-19 00:29:10

You can have a picture of just your babies, no ones stopping you, but you haven’t addressed the question of why there can’t be one of all 3 of your DH’s babies too?

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:30:33

My partner doesn't mind and I would be honest about it he isn't the sugarcoating kind

YourSarcasmIsDripping Wed 20-Feb-19 00:30:44

Stop withering on about my babies my babies. It's whiney and immature and it will get people's backs up. Plus it makes you sounds like everything PP's are accusing you of being and excluding SC.

That being said ,you're not unreasonable, there are pics of the SC in the house, a combination of them and siblings, it's fine. Maybe later on you can add one of all three children. PP's are giving voice to adult thoughts and how would they feel or projecting. If the kid is really included and loved (stop with the my babies shit ,hopefully you're not like that around SC) they won't care.

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 00:30:48

What @WarpedGalaxy asked... it's not reasonable to say 'she couldn't be there' you wouldn't accept the same if one of your babies couldn't have been there

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:32:07

We do have pics of stepchild and my eldest displayed but I want this particular picture on my wall

birdsandroses Wed 20-Feb-19 00:32:40

A large canvas photo is not equal to just another photo in a frame.

I think it would make your step child marked out as different by not being included in the professional photo.

You would still have a picture of your children if your step child is in it. You married a man who had a child, your two children with him is adding to the existing family.

sweeneytoddsrazor Wed 20-Feb-19 00:33:02

Of course a kid is going to care if there is a canvas print of dads new kids but not them up on the wall. Its nothing like a framed photo.

Lamentations Wed 20-Feb-19 00:33:23

If you don't think you're being unreasonable and your partner doesn't think you're being unreasonable may I ask what is prompting you to ask the internet if you are being unreasonable?

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:35:59

I suppose its my own conscience, but on the otherhand I feel i should beable to, I see my sister with her babies.. sorry children on the wall and I would like the same

I wanted other opinions good or bad

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:36:48

I didn't add their will also be pics of all the kids and individuals around it too

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:36:48

OP how would you feel if you and he split up, he had kids with someone else and didnt think your bio (🙄) children counted enough to go on a big canvas print in his new house? How do you think your children would feel?

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 00:37:29

By all means you can have a picture of your children on the wall... what I don't understand is why it's so hard for you to have your dsd too? Would it tarnish it somehow? I just don't understand why it must be just your two

YourSarcasmIsDripping Wed 20-Feb-19 00:37:32

No they won't. Like i said, if the kid is well adjusted, the parents coparent well and she's truly loved and made to feel like part of the family,she won't care. However if this just another slight on top of many and OP is marking territory and has a habit of separating "my babies" and SC then she'll have much bigger issues to deal with than the canvas anyways.

bethy15 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:37:39

Why not just a canvas of baby as it is right now. Just the baby and get another canvas of all of them together?

It does have to be fair and to have only your children in canvas is not a good look for a step child coming to her fathers house. These are small things people don't think matters, but they really do to the person who you're excluding.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:37:41

“I see my sister with her babies.. sorry children on the wall and I would like the same“

Do the same. With ALL your children included. Ffs.

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:37:41

We have the two eldest on the mantlepiece but not my newborn

AcrossthePond55 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:39:12

You mean like you have pictures around the room of all the children in assorted sizes & combinations, but you want a huge canvas of just your two hung in pride of place? No sorry, that would be hurtful.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:39:22

OP, how old is your step child?

Purplejay Wed 20-Feb-19 00:39:55

I think it is too much of a statement piece to have up excluding your step child. Other photos in various combinations is fine. I get you like this photo and want it but you should have taken dsd to the shoot too. Your reasons for not taking her are poor. You could have had a lovely one of all of them. It could be hurtful to put something up that shouts these are ‘our children’ and ‘you aren’t’. Makes me sad.

Caticorn Wed 20-Feb-19 00:40:01

If your DH doesn't mind what are you whining about? Just put it up. Book in a time to get one of the three of them done and put that up as well. No big deal.

Lamentations Wed 20-Feb-19 00:41:11

You know the child and your conscience is telling you that it's probably going to hurt him.

sleepylittlebunnies Wed 20-Feb-19 00:41:25

If all 3 of my DC couldn’t attend DC3’s newborn photo shoot then I think I would have waited until all 3 could attend. If it was important to capture DC3 while still a newborn then I would have just had the newborn’s photos taken. Or at least only ordered a large canvas of the newborn alone and smaller pics of newborn with sibling. I would expect DSC to be sensitive with a new sibling arriving and shocked that their dad isn’t bothered. Even more so as DSC doesn’t live with you all.

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 00:41:27

Wouldn't it be better to set an example to your own dc that dsd is just as much a part of the family as they are by simply including them all in the big picture??

Does your sister have a sc?

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:41:29

@caticorn thank you

lyralalala Wed 20-Feb-19 00:41:41

We have the two eldest on the mantlepiece but not my newborn

Hardly the same not including one that wasn’t born as excluding the no biological one.

Pics of different combinations up are fine, but a focal point canvas excluding your stepchild is just asking for them to feel left out and crap.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:42:51

Just going to ignore all the questions you don’t like then?

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:42:59

@beansontoastfortea I get this completely and no she doesn't so she is in a very different situation

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:44:35

@user1473878824 she is 10

sweeneytoddsrazor Wed 20-Feb-19 00:44:41

So how would you feel OP if your parents had a big canvas print of your sister on the wall and a photo of you on the mantle piece?

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:44:59

It’s not a “very different situation” OP. Your step child counts as much.

HeddaGarbled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:45:08

I sort of want to think you are being unreasonable just because you used the word ‘bubbas’.

How about you put up another canvas print of your stepdaughter as well? Ask her whether she wants one of her own, with her siblings or with her dad.

bethy15 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:46:03

You do know a mantelpiece photo isn't anything like a canvas print on the wall?

If you want a photo of the baby, put it on the mantle too, a big canvas needs to be all children or none at all really. And really shouldn't be only your children.

DSC came first, she should have pride of place as much as anyone, not being excluded.

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 00:46:18

@Fairydustsprinkled then why compare yourself to her? Taking on a step child is a big responsibility... I am one myself and I get it, you cannot help how you feel about your own kids but my god you have to stop yourself and put the child's feelings first... she's been through her parents separating, has to deal with a new step mum and siblings and probably already feels like an outsider... you could make her feel a million times better by putting up a pic of all of them ... it wouldn't hurt you but it would probably hurt her not to

How old is dsc?

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 20-Feb-19 00:46:56

I think it’s fine if there is a selection of photos with different combinations.

thedogattacksthetissuebox Wed 20-Feb-19 00:47:23

You sound annoying.

Bubbas. hmm

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:47:32

Very fair points, I'm not easily offended or I wouldn't ask for opinions.

Just difficult when you have that maternal tug and want the normal things like pics of your kids

As previously stated it was my choice to get with someone who has a child already so I need to suck it up and not get a large pic but similar sized ones of all of them

LadyMinerva Wed 20-Feb-19 00:47:37

You can do whatever you want but I also believe it could be very hurtful to SC.

I have 1 DC and 2 DSC. I consider all 3 to be 'my kids'.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:48:26

She is so little OP. You’re making it clear to her she doesn’t count as much in her father’s life. Because that’s how I saw shit like this at 10. And honestly it was utterly devastating. You’re thinking about it enough as an adult to have started this, imagine being 10 with no real voice and no real emotional intelligence - you know it’s just a picture of your “bio” (sorry I just think that’s such a tell in this) children, for her it may feel a huge shove out of her dad’s life.

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 00:49:39

@Fairydustsprinkled I think you're right to suck it up... get a large canvas done of ALL of them, they're siblings after all and you never know how much DSC will appreciate being made to feel accepted by you in years to come.

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:50:08

@thedogattacksthetissuebox you sound adorable hmm

BartonHollow Wed 20-Feb-19 00:50:18

I get that this is upsetting for you OP that you can't do this but you just can't it's so unfair to that child

In her fathers home that she visits a huge canvas of her siblings in pride of place and other smaller ones of her in a lesser place

It makes a statement

To everyone

But especially her

Shelby2010 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:50:22

It would be a shitty thing to do.

Big canvas of 2 children with small photo of step child to the side - can’t see how they wouldn’t be be hurt by that. Shows exactly what you subconsciously think their position is in the family even if you are too ‘nice’ to say it out loud.

Remember that your babies will (hopefully) grow up to love their big sister and one day may judge you on how you treated her when they were kids.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:50:58

Sorry OP, I’ve just seen your last post. I totally get the maternal tug - I have a step child and they come first, and it’s hard. But also that’s sort of our lot.

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:51:14

@user1473878824 @beansontoastfortea Points well and truly taken on board.. thank you

Schuyler Wed 20-Feb-19 00:52:00

Just print the photo of the 2 youngest. It doesn’t have to be a canvas,

Halo84 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:52:30

I think it sends a bad message to the stepdaughter which will resonate with her until adulthood, unless she is very unusual.

Don’t put up a canvas, just an ordinary photo. Have a canvas done with all the children when your stepdaughter is available.

Yes, you are being unreasonable and as a stepmother you should be more sensitive to your stepchild.

Shelby2010 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:52:36

Anyway canvas ‘pictures’ of photos are tacky. So another reason not to do it.

thedogattacksthetissuebox Wed 20-Feb-19 00:53:56

I am adorable. My kids are my kids, I don't exclude any of them. I don't call them bubbas either.

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:54:30

I think @BartonHollow put it really well. Have your photo done as a nice one you can keep. If you want a big photo on the wall why not get one done with all the children, you and DP - a family photo.

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:55:02

@thedogattacksthetissuebox do you teach your children to attack others choice of words and prejudge (username says it all)

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 00:55:52

@user1473878824 thank you again i will do this

WarpedGalaxy Wed 20-Feb-19 01:00:41

Well, there’s your answer right there, your own bloody conscience is telling you it’s not right. Your sister clearly didn’t marry a man who already had children. You sound like a spoiled child, why can’t I have what she has just because I’ve got this inconvenient step-child?Choices have consequences.

This whole scenario leaves a nasty taste to me and the only thing that would make it right would be a picture of equal type and prominence of all 3 children or maybe one of just stepchild on her own.

incywincybitofa Wed 20-Feb-19 01:01:41

It sounds like you have made a decision- not an easy one for you but a kinder one for all.
I do understand your feelings but I think there are too many other feelings in place for yours to trump this time. Something special just for you of your 2 children would be lovely and I hope you can find a way to get that

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 01:02:47

Step parenting is a tough job. I have winged it by thinking of all the things my dad did to me and NOT doing what he did, but my main thing is my SS is my family as much as DP is and that’s sort of the only choice I have. (Which isn’t meant to sound negative!)

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 01:05:59

@user1473878824 it doesn't sound negative at all just honest and that's why I asked the question. I don't have anyone in a similar situation so it's noted and appreciated

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 01:07:44

@warpedgalaxy why just the stepchild on her own?

user1473878824 Wed 20-Feb-19 01:08:50

@WarpedGalaxy Step child on her own just defeats the whole point of her being included.

Fairydustsprinkled Wed 20-Feb-19 01:10:33

@user1473878824 probably just a backhanded dig as if to say well it was acceptable to leave out your non bio child so why not leave yours out

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 01:11:48

@user1473878824 it's so hard not to sound negative when talking about step parenting! I live with my dss and it's so hard to get the balance right!

beansontoastfortea Wed 20-Feb-19 01:14:15

Step parenting can really bring out the worst in even the nicest of people

I think putting a canvas of just dsd defeats the point... it might make her feel special but I think the point is to let her know she's equal and that just because she doesn't live there she's still just as much a part of the family

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