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To be terrified of mediation ?

(11 Posts)
Yelsgirl Tue 19-Feb-19 14:54:08

Some of you may remember me and I want to say a massive thankyou for all the help I recieved !! ( had a baby, ex’s mum took back the cot, ex emotionally abusive telling me I’ll have my baby taken away due to being mentally unwell, called her a little C* when she was a few weeks old saying open your *ucking mouth while feeding her, constantly threatening to turn up and take her etc etc etc )
So basically at Christmas I sought the help of a solicitor and they suggested mediation and tomorrow we have our first joint session.
He seems to have calmed down/ realises his anger isn’t getting anywhere and at the minute she sees him 9-11 Sunday morning ( I think he’s lucky to get this )
And one night after work 5.30-7

I do genuinely think I’m being generous, he hasnt fed her since November when she was 3 weeks old, he’s never attended any doctors appointments, he doesn’t even know she’s been moved onto Aptamil pepti and I had to change all her bottles to dr browns
But I’m so worried for tomorrow. He’s a good actor, he will paint the perfect father figure and make out I’m an awful person ( something he is constantly doing )

So what can I expect tomorrow ?
He’s said he’s going to request all weekends ?! She’s never stopped with him?
Surely it isn’t in her best interests all she knows is me
I want her to have a relationship with her dad, but I’m not encouraging anything I don’t believe to be in her best interests. Like last week he asked to see her 7-9, I said no as she goes bed at 8, I start bedtime routine at 7.30 he said her seeing him is more important than her routine which is where I disagree massively

So any insight into what will happen tomorrow ? I’ve not once stopped him seeing her- his argument is is he wants more time ( despite the fact he doesn’t show an interest in her daily life and has often forgot he was meant to see her )

So do I go in with a suggested plan of visits ? Really worrying about it as I’m dreading any confrontation

ChocChocButtons Tue 19-Feb-19 14:58:52

I think these people are trained to see through a manipulative bully. Be yourself and don’t let him get to you. She’s your baby and no one is going to take her away from you.

Yelsgirl Tue 19-Feb-19 15:04:53

I really hope so, I just know the image he will portray and I’m dreading it.
Thankyou x

PinkHeart5914 Tue 19-Feb-19 15:07:30

Not point being terrified, all you can do is be yourself and calmly put your point of view across.

However I would avoid using sentences like I am being generous letting him see her tomorrow, it doesn’t make you come across very well although I can understand why you feel that way.

He is her father and nothing is going to change that so he will of course be allowed to see his child but I really doubt he will get every weekend as baby is very young still and overnights would surely be built up to anyway? It won’t be a case of right from next week he has her weekends

Yelsgirl Tue 19-Feb-19 15:26:28

Ah yeah I hadn’t thought of it sounding that bad, I’m making notes ready to take in cause I just worried I’m going to get rail roaded and not speak up for myself

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 19-Feb-19 15:40:00

It's also pointless saying things like 'he doesnt know what bottles she has' because that is information you've not shared with him, it's really quite irrelevent.

Accusation - you're mad - well the GP and HV dont seem to think so

What do you want to take way from this ? I assume the baby is still quite small ? So they arent going to say he can have her for 48 hours over a weekend when you are the principle care giver. This will be built up to over a period of time.

Yelsgirl Tue 19-Feb-19 15:57:32

But I have told him every appointment she’s ever had- he’s chose to not attend and to not even ask. Surely for me this shows he isn’t overly interested in her best interests.
She’s only 14 weeks

I just want him to understand the importance of routine and that we work round her she doesn’t need to work around him- e.g he doesn’t want to see her early on a weekend because he wants to go out the night before
I just wasn’t sure if a mediatior would agree with me it wasn’t in her best interests to suddenly go for long periods of time I just wasn’t sure what to expect really

Yelsgirl Tue 19-Feb-19 20:09:09

Has anyone else any experiences? I’m worrying sad

jellyfrizz Tue 19-Feb-19 21:22:42

From my experience the mediator is not there to decide what will happen; they are they to help you and your ex to come to an agreement.

Make some notes about what you want to say and try to stick to the facts about the situation and how it would affect your baby.

Have an idea in your head of where you are prepared to compromise and where you won't. It will probably be a bit of a negotiation. So, he might say I want to have her all weekend, every weekend, you can then suggest what you think would be best for baby and you work it out from there. You could also suggest building the time up more gradually so he can learn her routine etc.

Good luck!

LongWalkShortPlank Tue 19-Feb-19 21:30:49

Mediation didn't work for me and my daughter's dad because he is a pathological liar and was dishonest the whole way through. The thing about mediation is that it doesn't work if both parties aren't open to compromise and if they don't understand that personal feelings don't come into what's best for the child. It was hard. We had, I think, three sessions before I said I think we needed to just go to court, and I didn't do it lightly. Our mediator spouted some rubbish about how men and women have different attitudes to what they comfortable with when it comes to children when the real issue was that he didn't take care of our child, period, when she was in his care. I felt very ganged up on, and unfortunately I don't think she saw through his lies at all. However cafcas and the judge DID. So don't give up hope just because mediation fails. You just need to go in there with a clear view of what is best for your child, and remember it isn't about what you want, but what they need. So yes, baby does need some time with dad but HE needs to fit into her schedule and not the other way around.

RosieEffect Thu 21-Feb-19 17:44:24

How did it go op?

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