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Am I unreasonable to expect DD dad to take her to audition and miss sons football once?

(266 Posts)
Nmum09 Tue 19-Feb-19 08:50:16

Hi, I have a daughter with my OH and he also has 2 children from previous relationship. Our daughter does various activities one of which is dance. This weekend DD has an audition and I am unable to take her as had a spa day booked for a friends birthday well before audition came about, yet due to a day change on the fixture it now clashes with my step sons football match. My other half refuses to ask his ex to take their son to football so he can take our DD to audition. Am I wrong to think he is totally out of order? Our DD has 2 parents and my OH never shows any interest in what she does and football takes president over everything, my step son has 2 parents so would it be so bad if his mother took him on this occasion? Now I either have to ask my dad to step in or miss the spa and lose the money I’ve paid.

Gatehouse77 Tue 19-Feb-19 08:52:45

No, that is not an unreasonable request.

If your dad can step in I would go for that as the resentment for missing your spa day is likely to make the situation far worse.

HotpotLawyer Tue 19-Feb-19 08:57:32

I would ask your Dad to step in.

But you have much bigger issues with your OH, who is either suffering from guilt at leaving his Ds, or is a sexist git, or not committed to his Dd or you.

Serious talks needed.

Shoxfordian Tue 19-Feb-19 09:02:16

Ask your dad to help if he can
Your oh sounds like a knob. He's damaging his relationship with his daughter.

Sirzy Tue 19-Feb-19 09:05:44

I would ask your dad if he can help.

I think as he has plans with his child it is wrong to make him cancel that for another child.

Cranky17 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:06:41

I don’t think there is enough info tbh,
Would ex take the ds if asked?
Whats the audition for and how old is dc?

Cranky17 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:08:38

*Ask your dad to help if he can
Your oh sounds like a knob. He's damaging his relationship with his daughter.*
And he’s potentially damaging his reationship with his other child if he just drops him like a hot brick when something more important comes along.

NorthernKnickers Tue 19-Feb-19 09:09:12

Your husband is being very unreasonable here...and the fact that he can't see this would have me seriously reconsidering my options. I'm astonished that he feels it's ok that you either cancel a pre-booked, prepaid event, or ask someone else to take your daughter to what is an important, one-off, audition. I'm assuming football happens weekly (or ever other week if that's when he has his son) so it's a regular event. He could very easily swap a week with his ex here. In blended families, to make things run smoothly for everyone, flexibility and compromise is key...not twattish intractability!

Don't back down will set a precedent for all future event clashes.

Sirzy Tue 19-Feb-19 09:10:28

Just think this the other way around

“My ex had arranged with our son to take him to football but now has cancelled because something has come up with the daughter he has with a new partner. Aibu to think that’s not fair”

Comefromaway Tue 19-Feb-19 09:13:03

It's not unreasonable at all. All he is doing is making it clear to your dd that she is not important to him.

It would be differeent if he had given a reasonable explanation as to why step son's mum can't take him (work, prior commitment etc) . I just know that my dh would move heaven and earth to get either of our two to an important audition/event becasue he is their Dad.

steff13 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:14:48

Don't back down here.

How does she accomplish this? She can not cancel the spa day and not ask the grandfather to take the daughter, but then what? The dad still doesn't have to take her to the audition. Does she just miss out then?

timeisnotaline Tue 19-Feb-19 09:15:30

Its not dropping his son like a hot brick. It’s once. I would ask my dh if he ever intends to be a parent to our daughter and show her he cares and tell him to answer carefully because if your daughter is going to grow up without a dad it is not going to happen living in the same house as her dad.

NorthernKnickers Tue 19-Feb-19 09:17:46

@Cranky17 and @Sirzy I read the OP post as in the step son's football fixture date had changed, so now clashes with the DDs audition. This is why the dad can no longer take DD to her audition...because he's putting football first. I'm surmising he was originally going to be taking DD to her audition, up until the football date changed...then said he couldn't do it. I could be wrong, but that's how the post reads to me, in which case it's very unreasonable!

Mintychoc1 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:18:03

I think it depends on how much time he spends with his kids.
Presumably he lives with you and your DD, so sees her all the time. Perhaps football is the only thing he does with his DS, which therefore makes it sacred. Also the football season ends in a few weeks.
I think you should ask your dad to take her.

howhasthishappened Tue 19-Feb-19 09:18:05

I'm in a similar situation as in I have a stepson who has football every Saturday morning (we have him every weekend so DH always takes him - tho his mum is there to watch every week too)
And we also have a daughter together. If something like this came up my DH would either ask ex to take him and it wouldn't be an issue, or my Dad would step in but he would take stepson to football and DH would take daughter.
I don't think your request is unreasonable- it's a one off it's not like it's a regular thing. Unless his ex would kick up a fuss about it?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking Tue 19-Feb-19 09:19:19

The OH has a long standing commitment to one child, I'm on the fence with this - can he do both?

This is his time with his son, why should the boy be let down? Your daughter has her father every day, his son does not have that luxury.

One child going to be 'let down' - and as auditions are usually your prerogative then it is for you to make arrangements, perhaps with another mother from the dance class?

TheInvestigator Tue 19-Feb-19 09:20:28

Is the football on his contact day? If it's his contact day then it is his responsibility to either take his son or arrange for a patent or friend to do it for him. He can't expect his ex to do it when she sounds like the resident parent who is probably doing more than her fair share.

I would be quite annoyed if my ex decided he couldn't keep one or his few commitments to our child because his new daughter has an audition and the mum is going to a spa...

CinnabarRed Tue 19-Feb-19 09:21:07

I don’t think the DH is being unreasonable in this case, particularly assuming he sees DD more than he sees DS.

If the family were not blended then what would likely have happened would be:
- OP books spa day
- DD’s audition comes up and DH agrees to take her
- DS’s match gets moved to clash with DD’s audition
- so parents together look at alternative adults that could take one or other child to their event.

Which is exactly what’s happened so far - all good!

I agree that it’s bad form to ask the XW to take DS to his match, especially if she’s primary carer and DH gets less time with DS. I also think it’s reasonable to assume that the GF would rather take his GC than his SGC.

So asking the GF to take DD to her audition seems the best route.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:22:00

I read this as her ss football match date got changed so it clashes with dds audition which before the change it didn’t. If that is the case I think it’s totally justifiable to ask OH ex to take him to football this once.

If however dds audition has changed in date then that’s a bit trickier as he has previous commitments.

DelphiniumBlue Tue 19-Feb-19 09:22:45

On the face of it, it seems reasonable for him to stick to his usual schedule with his son.
But a lot depends on other things, like the ages of the children their relative independence, and the importance of the audition. Your DH might have very good reasons for not cancelling- there could be knock on effects with his ex.
You might have good reason for not changing the date of your spa day. Had the arrangement been that you have responsibility for DD on the day that DH has his son?
In non blended families, the answer would probably be to ask someone else to take one of the children, but if DH only sees his son once a week or so you can see Why he would prefer not to miss seeing his son.

Cranky17 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:22:45

Its not dropping his son like a hot brick. It’s once.
I’d be really pissed of if my ex told me he couldn’t take my dc to her dance class which he takes her to every week because his new wife wants to go to a spa and his new child has an audition. Some weekends I work to get extra money so it’s not always that easier to swap weekends.
So the only option I would have would be for my child to miss their class and tag along to the audition and whilst I can see this would be the best option for all involved I would be pissed off that my child was let down.

BarbarianMum Tue 19-Feb-19 09:23:23

How often does he see his son? Im guessing far less than he sees his dd. Yes he should be interested and suppirtive of his dd's activities but Im not sure cancelling on a child who only gets a few hours of his attention each week is the way to go.

Cla9 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:23:45

Personally I’d skip the spa day. Your OH presumably sees his son less than he sees his daughter so it’s understandable he wants to go to his game.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:24:04

Ask your dad.

Nmum09 Tue 19-Feb-19 09:25:23

I appreciate what your saying but his football plans have only clashes as the football fixture has changed days last minute so up until then OH was available to take DD but now it’s a choice between the 2 football comes first.

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