To not want to be contacted by PIL about this whilst on holiday?(265 Posts)
We (me, DH, 3DC) are currently abroad on holiday and have been since Friday. To avoid drip feeding, DH and I both work, DH is full time and I work 4 days per week. I am 21 weeks into a stressful pregnancy, having suffered a partial placental abruption at 19 weeks. As a result I am having to take things very easy. Plus, this is the only chance we will get for a family break until the end of May.
PIL called this evening and apparently want to talk to me about liability insurance. This has nothing to do with my area of work at all, but apparently as I am a solicitor they want to ask me. This has now caused a row with DH as apparently I am being very unreasonable in not wanting to deal with this whilst on holiday. Honestly when I saw the number come up I thought they must be calling with bad news...since we saw them only 3 days ago (the day we left) and are back on Friday anyway.
So, mumsnet jury, AIBU not to want to be bothered on holiday about this?!
No, don’t call them .
It can wait and your husband can call his parents and tell them you’re resting and relaxing.
No not unreasonable at all - they can wait until you get back (or if it is that urgent, find another solicitor and pay for their services !) Your Dh should be intercepting them and telling them not to bother you except for an emergency (and this isn't one)
Is there any reason why they need to deal with this urgently?
YANBU. Tell them you will speak to them when you get back.
Block them. They sound very entitled. The question can wait until you get home. You can un-block later if you feel like it.
Fucking Hell. I would be very, very assertive about this. Under no circumstances.
Tell them to sod off and you’ll deal with it when you’re back. What an odd thing to call about.
Enjoy your break- and don’t give in!
My sil (gp) was grilled by fil about his urinary tract issues over Sunday lunch
YA absolutely NBU! It’s really selfish of them to call you about this and what is your DH thinking, assuming this will be fine?
Ooh this is very interesting! DH has stomped off in an actual huff about this, has called me ‘weird’ for not wanting to deal with it and has told PIL I will call tomorrow!
That would wreck my head. Tell your Dh to Google someone who deals with it in their area and to send them the number. Your Dh is being unreasonable expecting you to think about work related shit while on holidays, regardless of who it's for.
Suggest he swots up tonight on what they want to know and he can ring them. You will be busy doing naff all!!
He is as much a cf as them!!
Congrats on the pregnancy. Hopefully it will go smoothly for you from now on.
In relation to the inlaws and your DH, you have a DH problem (a small one in comparison to some of the threads I've read on MN but it is there).
If you were a neuro surgeon, do you think they would phone you up about a tummy ache? If you were a university lecturer specializing in say Art History, would they phone you up with a query about general university admission policies for example?
If you have a colleague who can help them out with their insurance query, I'd ask colleague if it would be ok to give their details to your inlaws and then contact the inlaws saying "Mary and David, I'm on holidays and insurance is not my field of expertise so I've been in touch with my colleague Sarah and she has agreed to discuss your query with you. Her details are X, Y and you can email her on Z. Now as I'm on holidays, I'm going back to relax. See you when we return".
Your DH should be telling his parents that due to doctor enforced rest they are not to be contacting you about work related issues and you're not allowed to have a high blood pressure rate (or whatever you want to tell them) and as such, talking 'shop talk' tends to send your BP sky high so it's really not in the best interest of you or the baby to do it, so can they stop please?
Not unreasonable at all. That can wait until you get back.
Against the grain, I think it won’t hurt you to spend 5 minutes putting their mind at rest. I’m with your dh.
YANBU at all - you're on bloody holiday and pregnant with medical instruction to take it easy - I take this to mean both physically and mentally and to avoid stress.
That they couldn't even let you have 72 hours peace, especially as it's work related and outside your area of expertise anyway is awful.
DH needs to wind his neck in sharpish, he's being a dick.
Your husband is definitely the weird one here. I'd ignore all calls from them until I got home.
Do not call tomorrow and keep your own phone on silent. If they ring him tell him loudly, so they can hear, that they should call someone who specialises in it instead.
I think i must be the only person, along with your DH, that would ring them back! It's a phone call, it'll take very little of your time up, so unless you were in the other side of the world in a completely different time zone, it's no stress to you.
Have you asked him why his parents and their stupid problem is more important than his exhausted pregnant wife getting an essential break? Sorry, he’s being a selfish twat. He can bloody well deal with them. Put your foot down.
If it’s not a quick, easy call then I would say that you need to refer to references at home/in the office to give them the right advice so unfortunately not much you can do while you’re away.
Yanbu - no need to discuss this whilst on holiday, have a rest xx
"This has nothing to do with my area of work at all, but apparently as I am a solicitor they want to ask me"
So get your husband to phone them & tell them that.
My ILs decided to discuss a derogatory news story related to my specialty over Christmas dinner. DH (then my fiance) did not see the problem.
It was only after we had strong words that he wised up, otherwise he would never have progressed to husband material.
You are on holiday. Your ILs should frankly only be contacting you if one of them was seriously ill.
I’d call them back if only to say “Not my area, I’m afraid I won’t be much help. Hope you can find someone who knows more than me.”
I think it’s quite unfriendly to grudge them a courtesy call. Sorry.
Well, personally I would have taken the call and answered their query. Assuming it's a 5 minute things - obvs I wouldn't be doing lots of complicated research while on holiday.
However, it is your choice, and you've made a different one to the one I would have made. I think your DH is being completely unreasonable in trying to force you into it.
it's no stress to you.
Are you seriously telling the OP how she should feel? Really?
I might have given them five/ten minutes because I love my in laws even though they are as crazy as my own parents, but that’s it. The minute my DH started acting like a dick, everyone can fuck off and DH would be told to go and stick his cock up his arse.
Dig your heels in and tell DH to get over himself/to fuck. Happy pregnancy. Chill.
Your dh has told them you'll call tomorrow.
Does he always tell you what to do?
Get them to email DH their questions. You can respond at your leisure by dictating answers to DH. If it were me the answers would be mostly don't know, try <colleague>
i think people have no idea that a solicitor cannot just have a general chat - as soon as any details are imparted it gets under your skin and you end up fretting over it and researching until you have an answer and you cannot make any general comments without having referable sources - it is a serious imposition on anyone let alone on holiday and whilst you are supposed to be taking it easy!
Interesting to see a bit more of a mixed response now. Any other time I would have been happy to have the discussion about whatever insurance it is but I feel we should be able to relax on holiday without our evenings being interrupted with calls about things which (to them at least) seem work related.
Now I may as well speak to them as they have stressed me out whether the call takes place or not...
Is it often the case that your husband does whatever he needs to in order to appease his demanding parents? Surely his priority should be making sure you are rested and well, rather than trying to bully you into doing whatever his parents want?
FWIW I'd never phone anyone who is on holiday unless there was a dire emergency. I think in the circumstances it's doubly unreasonable of them to have done so. And all for something that isn't your area anyway! Let them whistle for their call!
Your DH sounds like a twat.Remind him that you are supposed to be taking things easy. You are on holiday, to relax, not to do anything related to work stuff, and as you know naff all about liability insurance, you won't be ringing back tomorrow.
Then I would switch all the phones off and hide them.
Do you have their number? If so, text and tell them you know nothing about this area.
Wtf is wrong with your DH? Why is he stressing you out with this bollocks?
I’d say you have a couple of minutes, I’m on holiday. Your husband is a dick.
'Hi. DH wanted me to call tomorrow but there really is no need, as I know absolutely nothing about liability insurance. See you when we get back.'
My ILs decided to discuss a derogatory news story related to my specialty over Christmas dinner. DH (then my fiance) did not see the problem. I don't really see the problem either. If you have a speciality, then presumably you work in something that you actually wanted to do. So isn't it interesting even over Christmas dinner? Or have I spent too long in an academic environment?
On the other hand if the derogatory aspect was involving you personally in stress, I do understand.
At the risk of sounding seriously old fashioned, I miss being able to totally switch off on holiday.
My DPs or DPILs have never rung me and I don’t check my work emails, but some colleagues who have my personal number have occasionally texted some gossip they think I should know. I really don’t even want to think about work when I’m on holiday.
Years ago you had a week or two in Greece and didn’t even see an English newspaper for a week or two if you were away from the main resorts. No email, no phone calls. Fab!
Nooooo, don't call them that's a precedent set right there, you say you don't want to, your dh says you should, your dh tells someone you are going to do it anyway.
Plus l hate CFers getting their own way, really bugs me and lm on holiday too
It's a bit of a "it depends" question - if it's a simple question with a simple answer, then YABU. If it's a case that they need to give you lots of information in order that you can give the right advice, and you'd need to weigh up lots of pros and cons, then YANBU.
I'd be irritated at them phoning too, or rather I'd be irritated that they felt it was ok to interrupt my holiday with something that could probably wait or that they could research themselves.
When you ring them back be business-like and courteous but not overly friendly.
Why aren't they asking this question to their Insurer?
It's so rude of them to disturb your holiday.
your husband sounds like an absolute idiot. Youre on holiday. This can wait! He should not get to dictate when YOU will call them, if you will call them. YOU get to say if they get a call and when.
Don't ring them! If they ring you, which they probably will, just say that you don't know the answer.
Then pour yourself another iced coffee!
If it was my MIL I'd speak to her but I /DH keep in touch with her whilst on holiday anyway sending her pictures of DS and checking how her and (disabled) BIL are so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary to take a phone call from her.
I think if it's just a quick question then just do it. Just be clear with them it's not your area and keep it short on the phone.
"Sorry, dont know anything about liability insurance, not my area of expertise. Hope you are well, speak when we are back!"
Is DH often likely to kick off at you over his parents?
Personally I'd speak to them briefly. They might be worrying about something. If I could advise them I would, if I couldn't I'd tell them. If it wasn't urgent tell them you'll discuss it when home. Much easier and less stressful than falling out with everyone over it.
YANBU. Unless there’s some special reason this is urgent this should have waited and your partner should be on your side.
Tbh, I would've spoken to them. Just as I would expect OH to speak to my parents if the situations were reversed. If it isn't something you know anything about, and you can't help, just tell them.
No, they shouldn't bother you on holiday with this; probably shouldn't bother you at all about it, in fact. Isn't there something in the solicitors' rules of conduct about not advising outside of your area of competence? That line always used to work for me - no, MIL, I can't advise on whether your friend has a claim against her uncle's estate, outside my field of competence, get me struck off that would, and who would support your grandchildren then?
It sounds like they wouldn’t accept the reasonable suggestion many people have made of ‘sorry not my area I won’t be able to help’. My guess is they’d expect the op to be able to look it up and outline it for them, which i would flatly refuse to do while on holiday. If I’m right, suggest you tell your dh if you call you will say ‘so, not an expert but as far as I can tell you two are a liability and should get insured. Hope that helps! Ciao!’ Or he could call and explain.
Ok I wouldn’t actually say that to my pil. But I might suggest it to dh as a suitable expert response.
Turn your phones off.
Enjoy your holiday.
YADNBU but I can't help but feel that given the fact that the stress this is causing you must be bad for you and the baby a 5 minute chat could let you get on with enjoying your holiday and avoid the aggro between you and your OH. I would let my inlaws know that for the rest of the holiday I would be resting and not dealing with matters that can be dealt with when I got back home. I hope you can enjoy the rest of your time away.
YANBU. How ridiculous not to wait! If DH wants to talk to them, he can call and say “it’s not DW’s area but she’ll have a look at it once we are back and try to help you out” Or you could send a text to that effect then ignore any response until Friday.
As a pp explains it’s unlikely to be a “5 minute chat” as it’s not ops area of law it’s unlikely she will know the answer off the cuff on holiday. I would be seriously pissed off - where are their boundaries?
All they need to know is that this is not your area of expertise and if they want a reliable opinion they must talk to someone who has the right experience and knowledge. And your husband can tell them that just as well as you can.
Why on earth would someone ring you about such a mundane thing while you’re on holiday? Of course you aren’t being unreasonable- say no. Your H is the unreasonable one. You are on holiday to have a break. Tell your him he must speak to pil to say... this isn’t something holidayrage knows anything about so she can’t help you. I will try and point you in the right direction when we get home. I’d also suggest he tells pil not to ring again unless there is an EMERGENCY!!!!
Call and tell them you have no idea it isn't your area of expertise.
I'd be bloody furious to be honest. You are on holiday. Apart from that they are not being considerate to you. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.
Your DH is being unreasonable and so are you really. You could have taken the call and said 'Sorry I can't help you, it's not my line of work'. Done. No need for any drama.
I honestly think that refusing to take the call and arguing with your DH about it is more stressful than actually speaking to them for 5 minutes.
For those people saying that OP should have taken the call doesn't it depend on what type of people the PiL are? Are they the type of people to keep it to a quick chat or are they the type who will want to talk the whole thing through in infinite detail?
Is there a risk that any off the cuff comments made by OP will be regurgitated as carefully thought through legal advice?
I don’t really understand what the problem is. I would have called them, spent 5 mins listening, another 5 giving general advice/explaining I don’t know the answer or telling i might know the answer but need to research and will do that when I am back.
You spent more time discussing it, thinking of it and arguing with your DH than time on that courtesy call.
They are not your work, they are family and you can spend 10 min on your family even on holiday.
It doesn't matter what kind of people they are. She can end the call whenever she wants. Why be so passive and make such a thing out of it. Just say it's not your area of work and if they ignore that and try to talk about it more say 'as I said I can't help you. Have to go now. Catch up with you when we get back, bye' and put the phone down. It's really not that hard.
I'd take the call but I'd also think they had no boundaries bothering me about something non-urgent on my holiday and would probably have complained to my dh about it (who would have said "don't bother calling them back, you know what they are like")
I'd be very unimpressed with my dh going into a huff and stomping off because of it though.
I don't think anyone should be inconsiderate enough to bother even family on holiday unless it is a life or death situation. I would not take the call or respond back. Tell your DH to take a running jump.
It depends. If they are elderly and fretting about something then spending 10 minutes putting their minds at rest is the kind and right thing to do. If they are hale and hearty and just looking for free legal advice they could otherwise easily pay for then a text saying that it’s not your area and suggesting someone who could help them could work?
I think they're unreasonable to call you on holiday (unless it's an emergency or they're forgetful) and your dh is being extremely unreasonable.
I would turn my phone off and leave him to call them tomorrow with the message that it's not my area. (I wouldn't want to set any precedents by calling them.)
I miss phone-free holidays.
I'm a GP and would be unhappy if relatives phoned me on holiday about non emergency medical stuff. I'm on holiday and Im not their GP. This is non emergency work stuff. I'd be more annoyed with your husband though who doesn't see how intrusive and pushy they are being. If you do phone back just say it's not your area you're on holiday and they should maybe see a specialist solicitor.
Its unfair, you've been told to relax after a very worrying time and this is not helping. Maybe text them and copy in DH. "This is not my area of expertise". And then do your best to relax and forget it. I hope you get a chance to relax and enjoy the rest of your break. Best of luck.
Is it just because it’s the in-laws that you don’t want to do it? Or would you briefly talk to your friend/mum/sister?
I’m a solicitor too. I don’t think anyone should contact others on holiday with work related queries and a fortiori (😉) when you’re pregnant and you’ve had PA recently. You really need to relax. Apart from anything else talking about insurance is insanely boring and not what anyone wants on holiday. Also the thing with legal questions as PP said they rarely take 5 mins and also people will act on it so you want to make sure it’s correct as giving with advice is worse than giving none. But yes it’ll pull you out of holiday mode and into legal thinking mode. And unless it’s a simple question in your bread and butter area then that means research. Fuck that on your holiday. It’s not even an easy route to recommend anyone else either as they’ll inevitably think they’re shit and blame you (and you’ll worry the person you advised thinks you have rude in laws). I would be firm as I think it’s a rude request, or, at best, self involved and thoughtless. I’d just text them and copy in husband saying not my field can’t advise, going to try and relax now to keep baby happy or something like that. I’d be super pissed off at your husband what’s his behaviour about? Just to emphasise: you have 3 kids and pregnant with a 4th, have had recent placental abruption and are all away on holiday from your job as a sol which you work at 0.8 FTE? No you’re def not talking about insurance thanks bye PIL and DH 👋 🍦
if your dh knows its not yor area why is he pushing this
i dont think you shold call them back on principle its ridiculous-only once did i speak to someone that wa swhen i was on holiday and it was my mum coz she was ill-its obviously not urgent so tell them all to fuck off
All these people saying OP should answer the PIL's question - do you all take work questions and calls whilst on holiday? What a ridiculous notion. Just because it's family it doesn't make this a non-work situation. Some of us treat even the most "casual" enquiries around our field of expertise as work questions. OP is on holiday for a week or two I would imagine - are we really saying this cannot wait? Sounds like PILs using any excuse they can to keep in contact with OP and her family. And OP's H is a piece of work.
Does your DH usually tell you what to do. After he told me that he had told his parents I would ring tomorrow I would be telling him to F off
I’m in the ‘ tell everyone to f**k off’ camp.
My in laws are retired with loads of time to fill and often ring for nonsense reasons.
I told dh if he didn’t talk to them about it I would stop taking their calls.....I no longer take their calls.
Can you not just phone them as say it’s not your area? They aren’t unreasonable to ask, just as you aren’t unreasonable to not help.
They aren’t unreasonable to ask, just as you aren’t unreasonable to not help
But a lot of us think they are unreasonable to ask, that's the whole point.
People who work in law, healthcare & probably lots of other fields are always being asked about stuff that's vaguely in their area whether it's because people want favours, mates rates, free advice, want a second opinion if thay don't trust what their GP said etc etc.
For many of those professions there are ethical & liability issues that people don't want to get into if they risk giving advice or opinions on the basis of a "5 minute" chat when they don't have access to all the facts & it's not their specialist field. And as someone said above, it puts you into work mode to even think about these things, and OP is on holiday. It's either not urgent & can wait, or it is urgent & requires someone who is actually there to deal with, not OP on holiday.
Phoning them back to say it's not her area is up to the OP if she wants to - if she thinks it won't go down well & add to her stress or end up being a long convoluted conversation she doesn't want to have, she may not want to phone - she knows them & knows how that may work out. I came in for a lot of grief recently leaving work early for an appointment & someone wanted to ask a "quick question" - I know this guy, there are no quick questions or 5 minute conversations, nothing less than half an hour going all round the houses, so I said no I had to leave for my appointment - a different person I would have spoken to, no problem.
It does depend a bit-if they are elderly and fretting then the kind thing to do would be to reassure them.
But I never understand why people on Mumsnet are so against helping other people out or doing favours. Particularly when it’s family.
YADNBU. They should leave you alone and your husband should stick up for you.
Plus if it is not to do with an area you know about just say 'I don't know.' 'I really don't know.' 'I still don't know.'
They’re family though, I don’t get it either! I get asked advice because of my job and rather than get angry about it I just say whether I can help or not, and caveat it with it’s just advice don’t hold me responsible. All of this bad feeling for the sake of a few minute phone call, I’m glad in real life people don’t seem to be like many posters here.
The OP is on holiday; when one goes on holiday it must be galling to still be expected to give out advice, even to family.
DH often gets calls from people wanting free tech advice. FIL will call and expect him to walk him through stuff online, installing stuff etc. Often calls in the middle of supper. Not just FIL, friends of friends, etc. Pure cheeky fuckery.
He's not tech support though. Or if you do want free tech /legal/medical advice, pay the fee! Same with our OP.
All of this bad feeling for the sake of a few minute phone call
a few minute phone call about a work matter while the OP is on holiday though, while pregnant, having had complications in her pregnancy - is this really what she needs, to be mithered about work stuff on her holiday?
Context is all, the history of her relationship with her inlaws is key. Maybe they are lovely people but old & fretting & a quick phone call to point them in the direction of appropriate advice will calm them down - or maybe they have no boundaries & always find a reason to disrupt OP's holidays & family time & she doesn't want to reward that behaviour by phoning them. I don't know, none of us know, but OP is upset for a reason so why should we assume her reasons are not valid?
Some people are happy to give off the cuff work related advice & some are not. I think it depends on the nature of the work & the nature of the person & neither position is necessarily always right or always wrong! I work in a field where casual advice or "corridor consultations" for friends & family without all the facts is very much frowned upon by my professional body so that is where my position comes from. For some this is territory that has ethical & liability & other risks attached as I said before.
So-hang on. Your father needs some help with a bit of tec- and you think the normal response is “No- pay someone”? Seriously?
I’m a solicitor and this is my absolute fucking pet hate. I specialise in employment. The amount of times I am asked questions about house purchases. I don’t know much more about conveyancing than your average punter. Why would I?!
Also. Off the cuff advice like that is not covered by my firms policy and therefore I am not covered if I make a mistake. It is a big ask. The PP who said that solicitors will obsess over queries like this is entirely correct.
Also it’s cheeky as fuck. Go and pay for legal advice!
This kind of thing is why my phone is switched off when I am on holiday.
Different strokes for different folks- “I’m on holiday, happy (or not...) to talk about it when I’m back” or “it’s not my area, sorry” doesn’t particularly seem like a holiday ruiner.
Which would be shorter:
A) dealing with the enquiry
B) the amount of time collectively spent on this thread?
Off the cuff advice like that is not covered by my firms policy and therefore I am not covered if I make a mistake. It is a big ask
very good point, people who ask for informal off the cuff advice either don't know or don't care that this can be a problem
“it’s not my area, sorry” doesn’t particularly seem like a holiday ruiner.
fair enough, if they will say "oh sorry, didn't realise that" and leave things there, but lots of people won't
So-hang on. Your father needs some help with a bit of tec- and you think the normal response is “No- pay someone”? Seriously?
but there's a limit surely? just how many hours of his free time in the evenings & weekends should her husband spend providing free tech support to friends & family - one hour, a whole morning, a whole day, all weekend several times over ? Surely he gets to decide when enough is enough & it's time for them to pay someone for the job?
well fair enough, but this debate has come up over & over again - people who are plumbers, builders, in IT etc etc being expected to provide free services in their own time for friends & family. I think it's an interesting discussion even if we have strayed past the original point!
All those saying “fuck that” type of thing, would you honestly have the same stance if it were your own parents wanting to ask something?
Why on MN are in-laws viewed as non family? I don’t see that in real life thankfully.
The part that irked me was that DH told them that you would ring them the next day. Even though you said you didn't want to.
If be giving him the big F OFF
It wouldn't bother me. I'd just ring them if it's knowledge you already have. Maybe no if I had to go looking for the info, though.
You might need them to babysit down the track too.
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