AIBU to resent my new family

[BBrush]

First post here and feeling pretty down today so please go easy on me. This is a bit of a long story so I apologise in advance.

I am one of 3 - I’m the eldest with a younger brother and sister. My sister and I are very close.My brother has distanced himself from the family since he was a teenager - when I say distanced himself, he still lived at home with my mum and dad, making a mess, eating their food and taking their money (mum once found out he’d used her debit card to withdraw £1,500 over a week) but he refused to have anything to do with any of us. I moved out when I was 18 after I found out he’d stolen from me and I’d had enough of him. We’ve barely spoken since. I’ve always resented the way my mum and dad never stood up to him when he caused us all so much grief. I think Mum thought he would end up on the streets if she kicked him out. He’s never held down a job. He takes from people when it suits him and is selfish to the bone.

He eventually moved out of home aged 27 into his girlfriend’s house.

I happily fell pregnant last year and mum and dad were over the moon that they were finally getting a grandchild. A few weeks later, Dad’s opening a birthday card (the first one my brother has thought to send in years) and inside is a 12 week scan printed out. It turned out my brother was expecting a baby with his girlfriend and the due date was one week after mine.

To cut a long story short, my brother reappeared into our lives, very excited about his baby that was on the way, and we were all genuinely pleased for him and thought it might change him for the better and make him a responsible adult.

Fast forward several months and it turns out he’s a pretty absent father. His girlfriend has 2 children from a previous relationship and she’s single-handedly raising the baby and her other 2 while cooking and cleaning up after him. He says “hi” to the baby and that’s it, which is really upsetting to his girlfriend.

As such, my mum being the very kind soul that she is has taken pity on the girlfriend and has started treating her like she’s her own daughter, calling her all the time to see how she is, inviting her and her children and her dog round. If I ever say I’m popping home, mum invites the gf too because I think she wants for us all to be one big happy family. And the gf comes with her 3 kids and her large dog. Basically going “home” is not the same any more - I don’t get to catch up with my parents because they’re all putting on a big show for the gf and her kids. It’s not relaxed, it’s all small talk and brown-nosing. The crux of it was today when mum skipped the cauliflower cheese (my fave) in the roast to make the gf’s older son some mashed potato. I mean if that isn’t a crime I don’t know what is! ;)

I guess I also feel like my baby doesn’t get the attention I’d like him to, just because he’s now competing with 3 other kids.

I don’t know... I know I’m being selfish and should definitely sympathise with the poor girl that has to live with my brother, but I kind of want family back, the way I know and love it - my mum, dad, sister and me. I know I’m going to have to accept this change - I’m just sad that the dynamics are changing - and probably a little pissed off that it’s all because of my estranged brother (he still doesn’t come to any of these family get-togethers - his gf comes on her own!)

Has anyone else had any similar experience where family dynamics have changed and they’ve struggled to accept it? And how did you make peace with it?

I guess I’m sad that my sister and I are now sharing our mum not just between the two of us but between 6 people. I’m not going to ask AIBU because I’m 32 and old enough to know that I am... im just struggling with the change.

[KC225]

Your mum sounds like a lovely person and its.great that she is prepared to step up where her useless son won't but it doesn't sound full on. Can you not invite your mum to yours and say its difficult to have a proper chat with it being so busy. Don't make her feel guilty but tell her how much you would love to spend time with her.

[BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty]

I think its wonderful what your mum is doing for his poor girlfriend.

But I would be upset to never get one break staying there without her being invited at the same time.

Just tell mum straight, that what she does for the gf is wonderful and its lovely to see bro's kid and the stepkids but that sometimes you really would just like youe mum back for a bit and would she mind letting you come separately to the gf etc next time, so you can spend some quality time with her?

My lil bro is a bit more on the scene again after a good 18 months of nc with my parents over something stupid that for once wasn't even their fault. For 18 months I've suddenly been the favourite. But the dynamic is changing again.

[MidniteScribbler]

And what if your brother wasn't such a jerk, but was involved in his child's life? You would still have three additional people as part of your family. In fact, you would have four.

Have you or your sister ever tried doing anything nice for your mother? Your whole post is about going over to her place, and complaining about not getting cauliflower cheese. Do you ever invite her over to your place? Do you ever take her out for lunch, or to see a show? It seems like you still expect your mother to run around looking after you.

[Bambamber]

Have you spoken to your mum how you feel? Tell her you need some one on one time with her, she won't know unless you tell her. It sounds as though your mum is trying to be incredibly kind to the girlfriend, and is perhaps forgetting that you need her time too

[Nanny0gg]

@MidniteScribbler has a point.

It's lovely having children and grandchildren, but when you start all over again (I don't know how old your mum is) it's a hell of a lot more tiring than when you do it the first time. And MN is full of parents saying how tired they are.
These days it's the time between late teenage/early adult and grandparenthood that's the only time you get to yourself.

Your mum is feeding what? At least 9 people at a time.
Invite her and your dad over to yours for lunch or tea. Meet them out on your own. But you do some of the work.

[garethsouthgatesmrs]

In your circumstances I would tell my mum how I feel and ask for some time without the GF there. I don't think YABU and am sorry you have such a shitty brother!

[hallodarknessmyoldfriend]

I don't think YABU to be upset. I would definitely tell her how you feel and that you'd like to have some time with your family without your brother's gf.

[PalmTree101]

Just tell your mum you want some 1-on-1 time with her without your brothers GF and baby, andninciter her round to yours and make a fuss of her having granny / grandchild time.

[5foot5]

Just invite your Mum round to yours for a Sunday lunch then you can have a bit of quality time, her and you; her, you and the baby.

[redandyellowandpinkandgreen99]

YANBU to feel put out and pissed off and that your thunder has been stolen.

But YABU to feel angry with your brother's ex, and their kiddie, and your mother. The ex has done nothing wrong, and your mother is trying to do her best by er wayward son's ex and child.

You need to talk to your mother about this, and how you feel hurt/left out/pissed off, and like she is always taking your brother's side.

Trust me, I come from a family where the boys can do no fucking wrong. The sun has always shone out of my brother's arse. I get on OK with him, and he seems to care a lot about me so it's hard to hate or dislike him, but it has always bugged me how he could never do wrong in the eyes of my parents - especially mum! Blue eyed boy and all that, even though he was always begging money he never paid back, and was often bailed out financially by our parents AND our grandparents.

Didn't stop til he was about 35! I shit U not!

I also have a couple of male cousins who went down the same path. (Worse actually!) Useless, wayward, selfish, and self-serving, and frequently use people. Yet the women in their lives (mothers and nanas and aunts etc,) always stick up for them, and have always bailed them out, and carried them.

Can't help but pity anyone they're married to eh?!

[Maelstrop]

Get your mum round yours or ask her if it can be just you for a change. She can't force a relationship with your brother, who sounds like a twat, BTW.

[evaperonspoodle]

Your mum sounds lovely. Invite her round to yours, she deserves a break! She can sit and enjoy your d's whilst you do the roast dinner.

[Stargazer888]

Invite her over and make her a meal!
If your ds was a great father you'd still be around extra people so I do think you're being unreasonable.

[Stargazer888]

Sorry db.

[BrendasUmbrella]

I think you need to spell it out for her and say you'd just like a quiet visit. Maybe say you'll make a separate playdate with your brother's GF and the babies.

If you invite her to yours without making it clear you just want to see her, she might turn up with the girlfriend and thee dc's. But she is part of the family now. It's an adjustment, but having them there too much is better than having no relationship. And your baby's are the same age which will be lovely for them growing up.

[Catinthetwat]

Does she always invite gf round when you come or just sometimes? Always is a bit odd. Sometimes is ok. Yanbu though, you can't help how you feel. Talk to your mum about it.

[Decormad38]

I think you sound a bit needy tbh. I think your mum has been too nice to you all ! Cook your mum a meal at yours then she can’t invite the gf because you are the host and not her.

[Lizzie48]

I agree with PPs that you should do something nice for your DM - invite her and your dad for a roast or invite them out for meal, so she gets a break.

She sounds lovely and it sounds as if you all could make more of an effort.

[Margot33]

Have her over to yours for dinner.

[starshollow1]

I would feel the same OP. I think it's fair enough that you ask your DM for a visit just with you next time. A mixture of visits (some with/without GF and brood) would keep everyone happy.

[user1493413286]

I think it’s lovely what your mum is doing but I’d feel the same as you. I think it’d work better if you and your parents had them together as well as with your DBs partner. Me, my mum and sister spend time together but we also all see each other separately which is important as the dynamic is different.
I’d talk to your mum and start by saying what she’s doing is great but you need her too. The other option is invite her to yours unless you think she’d invite them too?

[Juells]

Why don't you just tell your mother you're not visiting if the other woman is always there with her children? Have you never had a barney with your parents or your brother?

[Juells]

...and they're not your new family. She's your bother's GF, and you don't get on with your brother.

[crikeycrumbsblimey]

Did anyone offer to help your mum cook Sunday lunch?

The only person I feel sorry for on all this is you mum - must be exhausting trying to keep so many people happy. Does anyone think about her, not “mum” but the action person trying to do all this.

You can’t control that your brother is a feckless child & your parents inappropriate reaction to that and you are not wrong to be put out by it. However complaining (& don’t pretend it was tongue in cheek) that your mum preferenced a child wishes for food over yours makes it sound like you need to rethink your relationship with your mum as two adults - she isn’t your care giver anymore.

& yes have her round to yours instead and politely tell her to stop forcing the friendship but you don’t get to dictate who she invites to her house. The reverse of this is she doesn’t get to dictate that you invite your brothers ex

[LilaJude]

I don’t think YABU - you’re being generous and accepting, but understandably sad that things have changed so much.

Have you spoken to your mum about it? Explain you’re happy to welcome the girlfriend and her family but you still want / need your own time with your mum sometimes.