To not want to move to dh’s hometown?(81 Posts)
We currently live in London but ever since ds was born six months ago dh has been desperate to leave.
He wants to move to his hometown in Hertfordshire. He constantly goes on about how fresh the air is, how safe it is, how great the schools are etc.
But I love where we live now and have no desire whatsoever to leave - and I really don’t want to move to dh’s hometown. From visiting dh’s parents it seems suffocatingly upper middle class and twee (I went in a local gift shop once and they were selling ‘Keep Calm You’re in ^Town name^’ coasters). It also seems so dull compared to London - in order to do anything interesting you have to travel into London which seems to negate the point of moving out of London in the first place. And it is one of the whitest places I’ve ever seen that is so close to London.
Dh is getting angry that I’m not even willing to consider it, but I love living in London, and before ds was born, we had talked about the future and both agreed that we wanted to raise our dc in London.
AIBU to not want to move to dh’s hometown?
My main issue with the move would seem to be you change jobs but he remains in the same one. He now has a longer commute and you end up doing all the drops/collections etc.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to leave London post children. It’s what lots of people do but you both have to find a location you’re happy with. Harpenden is nice so I can see why your husband might be comparing. But, unless you have a big budget for a house, he might not be able to replicate his childhood. House prices are crazy in harpenden as are school catchment areas. We looked as I did really like it but we got a lot more for our money in a different commuter area that we had assumed would have been more expensive.
Before we married (back in the dark ages so we weren’t yet living together) we agreed that we would live in my end of the Midlands so OH (well, fiancé then) got a job there as did I. Then his employer closed suddenly and we agreed that it was his turn to choose where to live. So he, and I when we married, settled in his home area, the other side of the Midlands. 40 years on, though I like the area we live in, somehow i still don’t feel I really belong. My heart is still in “my” part of the Midlands.
I think DH and I were like this but the other way round. I had a sudden strong wish to move to where we grew up, I felt guilty I was depriving DS of what I’d had.
DH listened, we talked. We made lists of what we each wanted in our neighbourhood and what we wanted for DS (not lists of pros and cons of my hometown vs our London flat). We researched trains and houses. I felt heard. We ended up moving within London, to a neighbourhood neither of us had heard of before, but which we both love.
I would talk to him about concerns and then do some research together
Clean air he may have a point in London as I thought recent studies had shown pollution is now at unacceptable levels in a lot of places - however that doesn't mean that Harpenden is loads better
Schools you get good and bad everywhere. We live in a high income town with ofsted rated good schools but strangely when you actually look in greater depth (our local newspaper does in depth reports) they all just scrape into the good category, they actually fall below the minimum standard in most areas. So to get into one of the fee schools that are actually good, it's going to cost at least an extra 100k. In the lower income parts of the adjacent big city there are some excellent schools.
Do you live near lots of outside space and activities for children that you can't get elsewhere? How often do you think you'll use them? What is he actually worried about? Do you see yourself staying in the same house long term?
I don't think he is necessarily being unreasonable changing his mind about where he wants to live after a baby. Lots of people suddenly want more space than they thought after a baby. But he is being unreasonable expecting you to move somewhere you really don't want to, at the extreme opposite of where you are now. And it is childish to try and force you to by being in a massive grump.
Surely there may be a middle ground?
Also what would his commute be like? If he's going to be out the house for an extra hour a day that's 5 hours a week less your child will see him and 5 hours more you will have to pick up the slack or pay for extra childcare. Most young kids would rather see their parents more and most older kids would rather live in places with stuff to do, than live somewhere greener with a long commute for their parents
As someone who was born, raised & educated in London (except for uni) & lives here now I can reassure you that I survived unscathed as did DH & our school friends!
There is a benefit to having family nearby to either help with childcare/babysitting etc. I’d love a bigger property but for now location & family outweigh that.
Have you discussed moving anywhere else? I have had 3 neighbours who rather than do the traditional Surrey move have gone to Bristol, Edinburgh & Manchester as they wanted “city life” but bigger properties. They worked in finance & one was a surgeon & said the pay was less but not that much less & everything else was so much more reasonable.
It’s Harpenden, isn’t it? That has to be Harpenden
My first thought too, such an awful place, so full of itself and it's not attractive either!
CantStopMe is saying what I meant - the man who wants to move out of town while still keeping his own job in town* may well be potentially abusive at least in the sense that he wants his wife/s life to change (she is away from her friends and family, may not be able to get as good a job) more than his own will. If he's adding to the insistence on moving with suggestions that she 'take a career break' while DC are little, then that should ring even more alarm bells...
Would it be good to be near his family? Would they be involved in childcare?
If I would be picking up the childcare drop off and pick up load so dh could have a house in the little town he wanted near his family and commute into his job the answer would be a non negotiable no, as it’s not a fair ask. He can do drinks or events in London just by staying late. You’d have to travel in. He’s not really sacrificing anything to get what he wants, while you are.
With a 6 month my number one concern would be childcare. What type are you planning on using and whether it is possible to arrange this in a new place. With a nanny it is easier but how would you arrange nursery/childminders/sick days in a new location. What are the school options like.
YANBU however showing DH that you have thought about it and can explain all the reasons you don't want to make the move is important.
The only 'benefits' of this move would be mainly for your husband and it's all about him wanting to re-create his own idealized childhood for your dc.
Dh works in finance in the City so would be commuting
Ahhhh.....so I guess that would be his get-out
excuse for not being 'able' to do his share of nursery/school drops and picks ups etc?
No doubt the commute would mean he's out of the house earlier and back later than he currently is - so you'd be left to pick up the slack resulting from this, including taking on his share of housework and childcare because he's not there or 'tired' from his commute?
What about support networks for you? Do you have any friends/family in that area?
You'd be surrounded by his family and friends and no doubt there's be pressure to 'fit in' and do things their way, plus you'd effectively be on your own/feel ganged up on in any disagreements etc because they'd be on his side.
How easy would it be for you to continue your own social life given the distance and his late returns home?
Or would it be left to you to organise childcare/babysitting because he 'can't' get home earlier/isn't his responsibility?
I wouldn't move because it's not in your best interests -at all.
Plus you both agreed to bring up your dc in London and now he's trying to go back on his word.
Whatever his 'reasons' for this move they were applicable at the time you made your agreement -so what's changed - other than you having given birth and now being in a more 'vulnerable' position as a result it has on all areas of your life?
The problem with moving back to your hometown is, unless you are well off, it can be disappointing to find that there’s no way you can afford the sort of house or area that you grew up in. I think this is quite a problem in Harpenden - it isn’t cheap.
I grew up in Brighton and quite a few people I went to school with now live in Worthing for this reason.
I rather like Harpenden! But I'm not you, OP, and you don't like it so you're not being unreasonable at all in my opinion! Is there a compromise available? a London borrough that's a little further? Has DH actually laid out specific reasons why it MUST be Harpenden?
Unless you live in a 1% income bracket area your kids are probably not safe from gangs, either being recruited or targeted.
What utter crap.
OP you are NBU at all. I guess you need to find out what your DH is struggling with in your current set up.
But he needs to understand that recreating his childhood is both possible and in no way any kind of priority for you.
Er no Eliza it's not the same thing. There's no such thing as black privilege and white people have never been a minority prosecuted by white people.
I moved out of London to XPs home town in Herts when DC were small, and I massively regret it now that DC are young adults and I'm stuck here dying of boredom. Everyone knows everyone's business, there is nothing to do, the shops are shit, the town is 90% coffee shop, 5% shit chain restaurants and 5% charity shops, its tory central too. It's dull as fuck.
Every time any of us want a decent night out we have to travel in to town. DS worked out that he spent more on travelling into London, and the odd travelodge/cheap hotel for nights out than he did on drinks and gig tickets last year. All my real friends are in London so it involves proper arrangements to do anything interesting and to top it off cuntface the ex twat has moved back in to London after persuading me to move out here. I wish I'd never bloody moved here!
I think saying they discussed this before they had DC means it's now off the table is a bit silly. Things change once you have DC - you start to notice things you didn't before, start to be bothered about things that were barely on your radar.
We are in a London borough where every single school is reporting high levels of pollution. If you have a child with any kind of respiratory problem suddenly that's a huge fuck-off issue.
Could you move to a nice bit of an outer borough of London as a compromise? For example, parts of Barnet and Enfield have more green open spaces but are still in London with a multicultural feel.
Having said that, it sounds as though only she would have to move professionally - her husband would stay working where he is. So it would be more of a wrench for her.
I’ll be surprised if the OP comes back to this thread now.
She has said that her husband works in the City and she is a GP - so I would think that they are probably quite well off (I don’t know whether they’d fall into the 1%). They can probably afford a nice bit of London, Harpenden or St Albans.
'Omg I went to Tottenham and there were so many black people there, I could never live there. It's the blackest place I've ever been'
See, it's not acceptable is it?
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