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To not want to move to dh’s hometown?

(81 Posts)
Lejla68 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:31:16

We currently live in London but ever since ds was born six months ago dh has been desperate to leave.

He wants to move to his hometown in Hertfordshire. He constantly goes on about how fresh the air is, how safe it is, how great the schools are etc.

But I love where we live now and have no desire whatsoever to leave - and I really don’t want to move to dh’s hometown. From visiting dh’s parents it seems suffocatingly upper middle class and twee (I went in a local gift shop once and they were selling ‘Keep Calm You’re in ^Town name^’ coasters). It also seems so dull compared to London - in order to do anything interesting you have to travel into London which seems to negate the point of moving out of London in the first place. And it is one of the whitest places I’ve ever seen that is so close to London.

Dh is getting angry that I’m not even willing to consider it, but I love living in London, and before ds was born, we had talked about the future and both agreed that we wanted to raise our dc in London.

AIBU to not want to move to dh’s hometown?

AmIRightOrAMeringue Wed 27-Feb-19 07:31:47

I would talk to him about concerns and then do some research together

Clean air he may have a point in London as I thought recent studies had shown pollution is now at unacceptable levels in a lot of places - however that doesn't mean that Harpenden is loads better

Schools you get good and bad everywhere. We live in a high income town with ofsted rated good schools but strangely when you actually look in greater depth (our local newspaper does in depth reports) they all just scrape into the good category, they actually fall below the minimum standard in most areas. So to get into one of the fee schools that are actually good, it's going to cost at least an extra 100k. In the lower income parts of the adjacent big city there are some excellent schools.

Do you live near lots of outside space and activities for children that you can't get elsewhere? How often do you think you'll use them? What is he actually worried about? Do you see yourself staying in the same house long term?

I don't think he is necessarily being unreasonable changing his mind about where he wants to live after a baby. Lots of people suddenly want more space than they thought after a baby. But he is being unreasonable expecting you to move somewhere you really don't want to, at the extreme opposite of where you are now. And it is childish to try and force you to by being in a massive grump.

Surely there may be a middle ground?

Also what would his commute be like? If he's going to be out the house for an extra hour a day that's 5 hours a week less your child will see him and 5 hours more you will have to pick up the slack or pay for extra childcare. Most young kids would rather see their parents more and most older kids would rather live in places with stuff to do, than live somewhere greener with a long commute for their parents

EgremontRusset Wed 27-Feb-19 07:38:53

I think DH and I were like this but the other way round. I had a sudden strong wish to move to where we grew up, I felt guilty I was depriving DS of what I’d had.

DH listened, we talked. We made lists of what we each wanted in our neighbourhood and what we wanted for DS (not lists of pros and cons of my hometown vs our London flat). We researched trains and houses. I felt heard. We ended up moving within London, to a neighbourhood neither of us had heard of before, but which we both love.

proudestofmums Wed 27-Feb-19 07:45:36

Before we married (back in the dark ages so we weren’t yet living together) we agreed that we would live in my end of the Midlands so OH (well, fiancé then) got a job there as did I. Then his employer closed suddenly and we agreed that it was his turn to choose where to live. So he, and I when we married, settled in his home area, the other side of the Midlands. 40 years on, though I like the area we live in, somehow i still don’t feel I really belong. My heart is still in “my” part of the Midlands.

KitTheCat Wed 27-Feb-19 07:51:15

Yanbu, don't do it!!

user1471426142 Wed 27-Feb-19 08:22:23

There is nothing wrong with wanting to leave London post children. It’s what lots of people do but you both have to find a location you’re happy with. Harpenden is nice so I can see why your husband might be comparing. But, unless you have a big budget for a house, he might not be able to replicate his childhood. House prices are crazy in harpenden as are school catchment areas. We looked as I did really like it but we got a lot more for our money in a different commuter area that we had assumed would have been more expensive.

CamVegOut Wed 27-Feb-19 08:33:19

My main issue with the move would seem to be you change jobs but he remains in the same one. He now has a longer commute and you end up doing all the drops/collections etc.

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