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Am I over reacting and how do I deal with this situation

(111 Posts)
Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 18:06:58

Okay here goes I'm 24 been with my 34 year old bf for almost a year but I feel the mother of his kids leans on him way too much for example she got a new house he spent almost every day helping her decorate get furniture etc this went on for almost four weeks then two days ago she phoned him saying she had an appointment he told her what bus to get but she wants a lift she put all her worried on him and it is seriously frying my head I have no kids I have took on their kids like my own but they see each other everyday his mum doesn't help as she asks him to take her here and there she's every where I just lost my job and I use work 8 hours every night so never noticed it as much help please

Handprints2018 Mon 18-Feb-19 09:00:11

It doesn't sound like this relationship is working for you. It also sounds like close family are invested in seeing your partner and his ex together again.

Walk away, it's already way too messy. You can talk to your partner but his kids will always come first and wife will always have an 'in', especially with his mum pushing it.

You have enough stress without adding to it. Why continue to do so?

AcrossthePond55 Sun 17-Feb-19 21:25:26

As I said before, you can ask him to reconsider the amount of time he spends helping exW, but the bottom line is that it is his decision (not yours, not joint) as to how and what he does for the mother of his children. You don't have the right to demand that he change (nor does he over you), he does have the right to live his life as he chooses (as do you). Either your two paths converge and you walk together, or they do not and you split. To try to stay with someone who doesn't 'walk the same path' as you is painful and constantly disappointing. You are too young to saddle yourself with a relationship that doesn't make you 100% happy.

TheGreenerCleaner Sun 17-Feb-19 20:10:11

No name change ! I am a completely different person and you lot are honestly ridiculous 😂

StrongerThanIThought76 Sun 17-Feb-19 19:53:21

Wow you're getting some stick on here OP!
My kids' dad wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire so I actually admit I'm impressed by any nrp who goes out of their way to support their kids - and yes sometimes that means supporting their other parent too.

However, she needs to step up a bit and learn how to do stuff for herself. My DP's ex is like this - and him jumping to help her do stuff that frankly is just basic adulting and parenting really boils my piss.

So OP I get you. He needs to find a balance between co-parenting his kids and propping up his ex. It's tough.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 19:49:53

Claire not Laurie!!!

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 19:47:32

Sorry Laurie, I wasn’t as articulate on paper as in my head. I realise that you weren’t saying she is too mature to have fun.

I totally agree with everything you say! adpnd Hank you for putting it much better than I ever could

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 19:39:57

I am not saying she is too mature to have fun. But that you have to learn to discard those past experiences.
And when you are young and adults are telling you that you are not mature, but you suspect that those adults have never had half the hard times you have, it really does not ring true. Now I am much older, of course I think differently. But it is not helpful to the OP.
What I suspect OP wants is love, security and stability. And fun does not seem so attractive. What she needs is to get out of this relationship and find a better relationship where she can learn to have fun and be carefree.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 19:25:42

Claire - I am sorry you had caring responsibilities Thrust on you at a young age.

I think your advice to both the OP and cleaner greener could be invaluable. Responsibilities aren’t always a bad thing, but they can wear us down.

I didn’t mean to patronise anyone, but I do think the views that because someone has had lot of responsibilities at a young age means they are too good/ too mature for fun and joy in their twenties (or older) is just wrong.

OP doesn’t seem to have experienced carefree fun and joy, and she should before she dismisses it.

She also assume her life experiences add up to more than others on this thread - which I thinks shows a terrifyingly narrow view of the world.

My experiences are not less than, they are just different. I have cared for very ill relatives, travelled the world, lived in three different countries, run a successful business, married, separated, lost a precious loved one, jumped out of a plane and drunk a cocktail or two. It doesn’t mean I know more than anyone else in this thread, and I am sure if others listed their life would be just as varied - and much more impressive!!

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 19:07:42

DippyPippy The OP is coming from a position of being a carer and life being full of responsibilities. I was the same at her age and I had to learn to be less responsible and have fun.
I understand, I think (?) where she is coming from.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 18:48:26

I would also like to clarify when I talk about nights out I don’t mean drunk in the gutter. I mean talking and laughing with friends, meeting new people, seeing a band or a comedian. Even going to see a show then having a few drinks (alcoholic or otherwise) afterwards.

Cleaner greener’s version of being grown up sounds so miserable and joyless. OP’s life sounds miserable, even when she talks about the children it’s like a job. She carries out care giving duties but there is no mention of fun or love.

Everyone needs to be happy and silly and careless sometimes. Or else what’s the point??? Poor cleaner greener.

Tennesseewhiskey Sun 17-Feb-19 18:10:28

@HappyHattie if it helps, I am 36. I wouldn't be 24 again if you paid me. My exh didn't leave me and isnt now with someone in their twenties. I left him and am very happy with my Dp.

And yes I agree that Greenercleaner who seems to have name changed just for this thread is the op. We have no obligation to to agree with the op simply because she is a woman.

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 17:49:44

I have been married for 27 years OP, and no I don't think you need to work on relationships. I used to, and this belief kept me in a crap relationship longer than I should have been.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Sun 17-Feb-19 17:45:38

And is either a 16 year old girl or an idiot.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Sun 17-Feb-19 17:43:41

Something tells me GreenerCleaner is the OP...

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 17:36:56

Happiness matters OP. And no a relationship at any age should not be this hard, and especially not this hard when you have only been together a year. Don't believe anyone who tells you you have to work at it. That is rubbish unless you are the kind of person to walk out when you have your first disagreement, and that is clearly not you.
In any relationship don't think about whether you love the person, but about whether they make your life happier and better. If they make you happier, then it is a good relationship. This relationship is not making you happier.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 15:03:57

Should be I hope she does silly girl stuff until she is ninety!

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 14:59:38

greener cleaner. OP asked for advice and for other people’s perspectives.

She is 24, unhappy in her relationship and unemployed. She isn’t doing the lions share of childcare for a man who she feels is spending too much time with his ex wife and mother. She doesn’t seem to have talked to her boyfriend about her concerns or needs.

I think a lot of people would suggest the relationship isn’t working and she should speak to him to see if this will change. If it won’t she should consider whether she wants to stay. No relationship is perfect, but if it is this hard this early on then maybe it isn’t right.

And yes I would advise my daughter to enjoy her twenties, and to be happy, OP clearly isn’t happy. It would break my heart if my daughter felt this way at any age. She clearly has had a tough life - she deserves to be happy.

I advised lots of things she could be doing, travelling, more education, finding a challenging new career. I don’t think this is patronising. But in any case it’s just advice - she won’t take it and it’s not what she wants to hear. That’s ok.

I hope my daughter drinks cocktails all though her life, I hope she sings and dances and is the CEO of a global corporation. I hope she is healthy and happy and is adored by her partner and is he centre of his (or her) world. I hope she fills her life with experiences, and travels the world. I hope she doesn’t silly girl stuff until she is ninety!!! My own mother recently spent an afternoon trampolining followed by a couple of Proseccos. She laughed all afternoon!!

You’re daughter can be on the ball and still enjoy spending tim with her friends. I managed a large team in my twenties and still had great nights out with my old friends - and shockingly we occassionally had a cocktail!!!!!!

McNeat Sun 17-Feb-19 13:09:52

From what you've described in your OP I'd be amazingly proud of my partner if I was you.

Parenting as a couple is fucking hard let alone as a couple who've split.

He sounds pretty epic that he understands it may be his Ex's house; but it's his kids home. That her anxieties are not his issue; but the impact that may have on their children are.

Ghanagirl Sun 17-Feb-19 13:09:52

@Ccg1
He’s treating you like a nanny that he’s having an affair with your 24 and unpaid help.
Find a new job and a new boyfriend

Parthenope Sun 17-Feb-19 13:05:06

Your update makes sense to me, OP. You’re used to being the helper/carer from a young age from your experience with your mother, and you’ve fallen into something of the same role in this relationship, doing far too much of the childcare and grunt work, and, significantly, getting angry when it’s become obvious your partner also falls into the carer role with his ex-wife and mother.

Listen to your anger. I don’t think this is a good situation for you, and the chances of significantly altering a dynamic that is very established are slim.

TheGreenerCleaner Sun 17-Feb-19 12:57:39

You horrible patronising bunch of woman
What ever happened to being United and supportive - most of the responses here have been a disgrace
How can you all be so judgemental when the poor lass has only responded 3 times I wonder why it's not been flowing conversation when she's been hit with 4 pages of mostly negative replies.

People saying it's not a movie should be effortless are you single from lack of effort in your partnership??
All this your 24 should be out there getting plastered and doing silly young girl stuff no you do not know what's happened in this lass life to take her to where she's at in life ! It's hard to behave immature when your a 24 year old adult who does have responsibilities!
And to be fair if my 24 year old daughter isn't on the ball by that age and still out drinking cocktails and in party mode I'll be very disappointed!
I don't know how old half of you are but it's not the same from you being young !
My mother is 45 and was always taught to be responsible
There has been some decent mother's here giving some sound advice instead of the trash the rest of you spoke !
To make assumptions their relationship started through her being the one to break them up or to state she wants to have children to tie him down is beyond ridiculous!
She asked for advice and has probably left feeling more paranoid and on edge than she did before with all the he's going to leave he's using you nonsense maybe the man doesn't know how to behave in the situation and just needs to be a bit more eyes open to ccg1s needs

JacquesHammer Sun 17-Feb-19 08:50:02

I am still good friend with my ex. He does me favours, I do him (and his wife - both separately and together!) favours.

It isn’t about wanting to have someone to do “husband work”. It’s about friends helping each other out.

You need to speak to your partner about the situation.

I don’t think either of you are necessarily in the wrong over this issue, but you might not be compatible over it.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 08:42:05

Ok I’m out then. You seem very angry and aren’t listening to most of the advice here.

Sorry you find yourself I need this situation and I hope you can resolve it.

Tennesseewhiskey Sun 17-Feb-19 06:26:51

Ok I was a younger carer for my mother. You do have experiences that others won't.

But I am 11 years in front of you. While you have experienced things that others haven't, that doesn't make you more mature. More cynical and a bit closed off and left with a certain view that you need to keep everything in and rely on yourself, yes. You still don't have the life experience of someone 10 years older who has 3 kids.

You shouldn't be doing the majority of anything. He is the parent. You have been with him a very short time. He is using the fact that you are naturally in a carers role and taking advantage.

If you arent ready to the things that are wrong, you arent ready.

SD1978 Sun 17-Feb-19 01:47:56

That's more involvement than I'd be happy with, so wouldn't choose to continue the relationship. There is no reason for him to spend a month organising her house for her. A lift to an appointment, that one wouldnt bother me. It doesn't matter whether other people think what's reasonable- although I have no idea how it's reasonable to spend a month sorting out an ex's house, but it seems on MN that it's normal to still be over involved when a relationship ends and anything less is seen as weird........

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