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Am I over reacting and how do I deal with this situation

(111 Posts)
Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 18:06:58

Okay here goes I'm 24 been with my 34 year old bf for almost a year but I feel the mother of his kids leans on him way too much for example she got a new house he spent almost every day helping her decorate get furniture etc this went on for almost four weeks then two days ago she phoned him saying she had an appointment he told her what bus to get but she wants a lift she put all her worried on him and it is seriously frying my head I have no kids I have took on their kids like my own but they see each other everyday his mum doesn't help as she asks him to take her here and there she's every where I just lost my job and I use work 8 hours every night so never noticed it as much help please

Tennesseewhiskey Sun 17-Feb-19 18:10:28

@HappyHattie if it helps, I am 36. I wouldn't be 24 again if you paid me. My exh didn't leave me and isnt now with someone in their twenties. I left him and am very happy with my Dp.

And yes I agree that Greenercleaner who seems to have name changed just for this thread is the op. We have no obligation to to agree with the op simply because she is a woman.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 18:48:26

I would also like to clarify when I talk about nights out I don’t mean drunk in the gutter. I mean talking and laughing with friends, meeting new people, seeing a band or a comedian. Even going to see a show then having a few drinks (alcoholic or otherwise) afterwards.

Cleaner greener’s version of being grown up sounds so miserable and joyless. OP’s life sounds miserable, even when she talks about the children it’s like a job. She carries out care giving duties but there is no mention of fun or love.

Everyone needs to be happy and silly and careless sometimes. Or else what’s the point??? Poor cleaner greener.

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 19:07:42

DippyPippy The OP is coming from a position of being a carer and life being full of responsibilities. I was the same at her age and I had to learn to be less responsible and have fun.
I understand, I think (?) where she is coming from.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 19:25:42

Claire - I am sorry you had caring responsibilities Thrust on you at a young age.

I think your advice to both the OP and cleaner greener could be invaluable. Responsibilities aren’t always a bad thing, but they can wear us down.

I didn’t mean to patronise anyone, but I do think the views that because someone has had lot of responsibilities at a young age means they are too good/ too mature for fun and joy in their twenties (or older) is just wrong.

OP doesn’t seem to have experienced carefree fun and joy, and she should before she dismisses it.

She also assume her life experiences add up to more than others on this thread - which I thinks shows a terrifyingly narrow view of the world.

My experiences are not less than, they are just different. I have cared for very ill relatives, travelled the world, lived in three different countries, run a successful business, married, separated, lost a precious loved one, jumped out of a plane and drunk a cocktail or two. It doesn’t mean I know more than anyone else in this thread, and I am sure if others listed their life would be just as varied - and much more impressive!!

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 19:39:57

I am not saying she is too mature to have fun. But that you have to learn to discard those past experiences.
And when you are young and adults are telling you that you are not mature, but you suspect that those adults have never had half the hard times you have, it really does not ring true. Now I am much older, of course I think differently. But it is not helpful to the OP.
What I suspect OP wants is love, security and stability. And fun does not seem so attractive. What she needs is to get out of this relationship and find a better relationship where she can learn to have fun and be carefree.

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 19:47:32

Sorry Laurie, I wasn’t as articulate on paper as in my head. I realise that you weren’t saying she is too mature to have fun.

I totally agree with everything you say! adpnd Hank you for putting it much better than I ever could

Dippypippy1980 Sun 17-Feb-19 19:49:53

Claire not Laurie!!!

StrongerThanIThought76 Sun 17-Feb-19 19:53:21

Wow you're getting some stick on here OP!
My kids' dad wouldn't piss on me if I was on fire so I actually admit I'm impressed by any nrp who goes out of their way to support their kids - and yes sometimes that means supporting their other parent too.

However, she needs to step up a bit and learn how to do stuff for herself. My DP's ex is like this - and him jumping to help her do stuff that frankly is just basic adulting and parenting really boils my piss.

So OP I get you. He needs to find a balance between co-parenting his kids and propping up his ex. It's tough.

TheGreenerCleaner Sun 17-Feb-19 20:10:11

No name change ! I am a completely different person and you lot are honestly ridiculous 😂

AcrossthePond55 Sun 17-Feb-19 21:25:26

As I said before, you can ask him to reconsider the amount of time he spends helping exW, but the bottom line is that it is his decision (not yours, not joint) as to how and what he does for the mother of his children. You don't have the right to demand that he change (nor does he over you), he does have the right to live his life as he chooses (as do you). Either your two paths converge and you walk together, or they do not and you split. To try to stay with someone who doesn't 'walk the same path' as you is painful and constantly disappointing. You are too young to saddle yourself with a relationship that doesn't make you 100% happy.

Handprints2018 Mon 18-Feb-19 09:00:11

It doesn't sound like this relationship is working for you. It also sounds like close family are invested in seeing your partner and his ex together again.

Walk away, it's already way too messy. You can talk to your partner but his kids will always come first and wife will always have an 'in', especially with his mum pushing it.

You have enough stress without adding to it. Why continue to do so?

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