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Am I over reacting and how do I deal with this situation

(111 Posts)
Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 18:06:58

Okay here goes I'm 24 been with my 34 year old bf for almost a year but I feel the mother of his kids leans on him way too much for example she got a new house he spent almost every day helping her decorate get furniture etc this went on for almost four weeks then two days ago she phoned him saying she had an appointment he told her what bus to get but she wants a lift she put all her worried on him and it is seriously frying my head I have no kids I have took on their kids like my own but they see each other everyday his mum doesn't help as she asks him to take her here and there she's every where I just lost my job and I use work 8 hours every night so never noticed it as much help please

Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:41:18

Well for start you all know a paragraph from my like obviously I'm not going to post every single thing that has happened. I have not posted to judge I post on MUMSNET thinking some mum would be able to give me advice but tbh half of you acting like class room bullie at the end of the day when those kids are under my roof I feed them clean them change bath them get them up in the morning give the breakfast the youngest it's more me than my partner that get up in the night than him etc so you tell me that's not treating them like my own I am in no way or means trying to be there mum but these are things that a mother does is it not!?? My problem is his ex is a very needy person now I know her as me and her have met up several times to discuss the kids and what as to our threesome the kids are the most important thing and them knowing that we're a team together is the way we want it. I'm not just going to walk away as that's not what you do you work and fight for what you love. If you don't have any helpful advice kindly fuck off!!!!

SpanielEars070 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:44:29

In the nicest possible way, it's great for their kids that they are able to get on, and they can support each other to be great parents. There are clearly lots of times when you are going to be second best, and if you can't handle that, then you need to walk away for your own sanity. It's not wrong to say you need more than he can give you, you're just being true to yourself.

For what its worth, your BF sounds a really nice guy.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:52:45

Ok - you are angry with us and with your boyfriend.

You are also very young, and dare I say it a bit immature. Lots of people care for children, babysitters, parents, teachers etc etc. I think once you have your own children you will understand the difference.

You have asked us how to stop your boyfriend bing invloved in his exes life, you are also annoyed that he runs after his mum.

Again all u can say is this is who he is. Why fight for someone who will probably never focus on you they way you want him to? You can throw temper tantrums, sulk, make demands. But you will always look like the bad guy. It’s his mum and the mother of his children.

I wouldn’t be bothered by his mum, but the running after his ex would drive me batty. I wouldn’t stay and fight though. It’s really hard to change people - and it is rarely successful. I would decide if I can live with it, and if the answer is no I would walk.

ThreeAnkleBiters Sat 16-Feb-19 20:55:45

I think it's a good thing he helped decorating the house his kids will be living in. It's also a positive that he's on good terms with his ex in general. The last thing I would do would attempt to get in the way of their relationship. You've only been together a year. His commitment to his kids (and hence his involvement with his ex) is for a lifetime.

ReanimatedSGB Sat 16-Feb-19 20:57:58

I'd also advise moving on, because a bloke ten years older than you, still closely involved with the mother of his DC, sounds like a harem keeper type. If you stay with him, a few years down the line when you have a couple of kids, you'll be traded in for a younger model but he will still insist on 'helping' you and being over-invested in your life. You and your predecessor will probably be pals by then, or at least civil allies, and you'll try to warn the new GF, but she won't listen.
And this cycle will repeat until he's too old and incontinent to pull young women any more.

Tennesseewhiskey Sat 16-Feb-19 20:59:27

I have my nieces over once or twice a week and do everything you do with them. That's not taking them on as my own.

This is part of the issue. You are 24 and been dating someone less than a year. The reason it's not a good idea to be so involved, so quickly is that you have no idea how the relationship will go.

They aren't like your own. And if you are doing the bulk of the work, your Dp is dick and shouldn't be delegating more responsibility to you.

You have got in too deep, too quick. Of you don't like the set up, you need to leave.

Shinyletsbebadguys Sat 16-Feb-19 21:06:27

Firstly wind your neck back in and realise you are getting advice

Your post comes across as naive and immature, playing house with children is not treating them like your own and is not remotely comparable to being a mother and ultimately until you realise that you will keep keeping score

Being a real parent isn't about birth or in what way you've been in their life it's about truly understanding the concept that the children come above you ..always

So they move into a house , you make the house suitable for them

It is possible that your DP is too invested in his ex but unfortunately we can't see that because it's hidden by you bugging yourself up about playing house

To help further you need to give an idea of what he says when you ask him about it? Do you spend quality time together or does he sacrifice that to see his ex , if it is the latter then by all means you have an issue

But If you post on a mainly parenting board with the immaturity of throwing your toys out because you didn't hear what you wanted to you are going to get challenged which is a pity because you may well have an issue that people can help with but until you grow up a bit and calm down I suspect you won't hear any advice

MrsTerryPratcett Sat 16-Feb-19 21:06:54

I feed them clean them change bath them get them up in the morning give the breakfast the youngest it's more me than my partner that get up in the night than him etc so you tell me that's not treating them like my own

It's not. I know it's hard to hear but I work with young mums a lot and a lot of them go through what I went though when I had my DD. There comes a point, when they get hurt, or someone is unkind, or you're away from them and you feel something you never felt before. It's like physical pain. You realise you would do anything to stop them being hurt. You would kill or die. You can get rageful or panicky. It's horrible actually. I had a cancer scare and my first thought was, "oh God oh God oh God, DD is going to grow up without a mother." Not a single thought about myself. And I'm generally a selfish cow.

You are being a wonderful caregiver, that's true, but that's not the same as being a parent.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Sat 16-Feb-19 21:07:49

OP if you're happy for the three of you to be a team and walking away isn't an option for you then I don't understand the issue. Jusy carry on as you were.

Birdsgottafly Sat 16-Feb-19 21:09:13

Relationships shouldn't be a fight. You shouldn't be fighting for a time slot in your DP's schedule.

Are you feeling neglected etc, or is it just resentment. Because thays to different issues.

If you think your relationship is suffering because of him spreading himself so thin, then you'll have to have a calm discussion about it.

If it's just resentment, then it's his choice and you don't get a say, but you can question how this will go in the future.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:09:42

I will confess I am having difficulties with my exes new girlfriend overstepping so your post really annoyed me🤗.

What I was trying to say is looking after some one else’s child is nowhere near the same as being a parent. You think about them constantly, worry about and plan for their future, save for university fees, worry you are putting too much pressure on them to go the university, worry about how happy they are, research childhood illnesses and parenting techniques, wonder what your grandchildren will look like, hope you are young enough to enjoy them, but not so young that your children don’t have time to enjoy their lives, worry about youth culture, worry your son in law might Be a tit, worry your daughter will move to Australia, worry about cyber bullying, and on and on and on.

You have been in the picture for such a short time, and there is no guarantee that you are a permanent fixture in their lives. So it is irksome to hear you say they are like your own, and justify thid by listing caretaking tasks.

But I am projecting my shift on to you!

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 16-Feb-19 21:12:35

It’s not right you’re getting up with them more than their dad is. Why is he not doing the bulk of parenting his children when he has them?

By all means stay in the relationship if you want to. You won’t be able to change the dynamic with his ex so if you think the rest of it is worth it then all you can do is find a way to be at peace with it. He’s happy so there’s no reason for him to stop being available to her for everything she asks, unless you really kick off and he decides he’d rather piss her off than you. Assuming you’ve told him how you feel and he’s still doing it, you know he’d rather piss you off than her.

The closeness between them wouldn’t work for me, my husband isn’t like that with his ex/DC mum at all and I’d have walked many years ago if he had. But you are where you are and your only real option is to leave his relationship with her between them, you’ll drive yourself mad fighting it.

As a stepmum, my advice is to make sure that fond as you are of the DC, it’s important your bf does the majority of the parenting as the DC primary relationship is with their dad, especially when you’ve only been together a year, and that you keep your own life full so it doesn’t become entirely about him and his kids.

cuppycakey Sat 16-Feb-19 21:16:04

I would get rid and move on/start your own family.

cuppycakey Sat 16-Feb-19 21:17:53

you work and fight for what you love

No. Who on earth told you that shit? Cheryl Cole? grin

You are 24. It really should not be as hard as this. It should be fun. You are selling yourself really short.

Bluntness100 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:18:30

Wow, ok you've some growing up to do there.

Try to change your mind set to he is helping his kids not her. If you still can't get past your Jealousy and it's still all about her in your head, then you're going to have to put up and shut up if you don't want to leave and you don't want to damage the relationship so much he dumps you.

That's kinda where it's at.

TeachesOfPeaches Sat 16-Feb-19 21:22:36

It sounds like your relationship has moved very fast. My sister is 30 and getting divorced from a much older man she has wasted 10 years on with all his family drama when she should have been having fun. Don't waste your twenties playing mum to someone else's kids,

Bluntness100 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:22:55

I feed them clean them change bath them get them up in the morning give the breakfast the youngest it's more me than my partner that get up in the night than him etc so you tell me that's not treating them like my own

And I've no idea why you're doing all this for some blokes kids you've known less than a year. Are you living with him already? How long have you been living there and doing this? How often do the kids stay?

HeddaGarbled Sat 16-Feb-19 21:23:37

I think you are right to be concerned about this set up but I think you are deflecting the blame onto your boyfriend’s ex (which is really really common with women who don’t want to admit the truth about their partners). He gets his new much younger girlfriend to do all his parenting while he does manly things like decorating and driving for his ex wife.

I think he’s taking advantage of you. You’re 24 - don’t waste your youth doing all the hard graft of parenting for this man’s children while he plays the knight in shining armour.

Are you living together?

Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:28:42

Yes we are

AcrossthePond55 Sat 16-Feb-19 21:29:29

Ok, so here's the thing. It is not up to you to decide how much involvement your BF has with his exW or to try to make him change his level of involvement. That is for HIM to decide. What is for you to decide is whether or not his decision fits in with what you want in a relationship.

WorraLiberty Sat 16-Feb-19 21:30:22

I think he’s taking advantage of you. You’re 24 - don’t waste your youth doing all the hard graft of parenting for this man’s children while he plays the knight in shining armour.

This, 100% ^^

OP, he seems to be treating you like an unpaid Nanny.

Relax and let him parent his own children.

TheGreenerCleaner Sat 16-Feb-19 21:32:22

Wow a lot of negativity on this post! The poor lass has asked for help and advice not to be slaughtered off mothers claiming to be more mature.

First of all no Ccg1 your are not over reacting, yes a year might not be a long time but it has been long enough that both parents of these children are happy to have you on their lives and taking on a united role with their children which tells me your doing something right.

As a mother of a wonderful 12 year old I can say it is possible it all works out there just needs to be some balance.
I for one when I know my ex is with his new partner try not to bother him as much as that is their time of course if its something that can not wait then theres no problem . If they are still having so much contact after a year of you and your partner being together again I dont know how long they had separated before yous met but it does seem excessive . I as a mother like to do things for my daughter so having a new home putting my own stamp on that place would be my priority not to say I would ask or need ANY help but every day for 4 weeks sounds more like he has done everything . In my opinion they both have equal responsibilities to their children and she should be pulling her own way as well instead of relying completely on the ex whether he is their father or not.

I think I get the part about the mum encouraging it sounds like she is pushing them together and not respecting your place in the situation.

How often do yous have the kids over - if those children see you as another care giver and both parents are willing to share that with you and from what you wrote it seems they have then your doing everything right. I wouldnt worry about age or concern your self with the comments on here its hard to understand someones situation some of these negative comments may be from people who have been scorned by a younger new partner which is fair enough but that doesnt sound like your situation take them with a pinch of salt x

QueenieInFrance Sat 16-Feb-19 21:35:34

YANBU
It’s one thing to be there for your dcs and co-parent.

It’s another to see your ex everyday, for her to ring him for everything and anything, incl decorating her house etc...

And it’s another again to expect you to do more than he does for the dcs.

I would suggest he/they (??) haven’t moved in from their relationship.
I wouod cut my losses before getting even more hurt.

To some previous posters, how in earth is it somehow her fault if she has met her bf’s dcs?? How is it her responsibility if she is actually treating them and caring for them when they are there?
And how is refusing to see your boyfriend spending so much time with his EX doing things that have NOTHING to do with the dcs ok??

I’m baffled tbh.

Bloodyfucksake Sat 16-Feb-19 21:36:07

You're 24. You should be out drinking cocktails and eating all the carbs you will have to avoid when you're 40 and you've had 3 kids of your own.

After 1 year of dating he should not ask you to get up in the night to care for his children! You are not a babysitter or Au Pair! You are worth much more.

You also don't really know how insulting you have been when you say you took these children on as your own. You haven't. And why should you? You're 24!

It's Sat night. Go out.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea Sat 16-Feb-19 21:36:10

Ok OP, you need to take a HUGE step back here - your posts seem to reflect that you're angry at not being put first.

You won't be. Or rather, you shouldn't be. The children come first - and no, they are not, or will they ever be 'like your own'. They have a mother, and also a father who seems to be doing his best to support his children and maintain an amicable relationship with the mother of his children. That is the most important thing here.

If you feel taken for granted, then now is the time to rethink. I'd also add you are reasonably young. This doesn't have to be your life forever. Plus 'love his children as my own' after just one year is really insulting to those of us who have to adjust to our children having stepmothers within months of a break up. I'm their mother, and always will be. That gets forgotten very quickly when an ex moves on. Be grateful that your DP respects that his ex is their mother. It says a lot about him.

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