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Am I over reacting and how do I deal with this situation

(111 Posts)
Ccg1 Sat 16-Feb-19 18:06:58

Okay here goes I'm 24 been with my 34 year old bf for almost a year but I feel the mother of his kids leans on him way too much for example she got a new house he spent almost every day helping her decorate get furniture etc this went on for almost four weeks then two days ago she phoned him saying she had an appointment he told her what bus to get but she wants a lift she put all her worried on him and it is seriously frying my head I have no kids I have took on their kids like my own but they see each other everyday his mum doesn't help as she asks him to take her here and there she's every where I just lost my job and I use work 8 hours every night so never noticed it as much help please

Vulpine Sat 16-Feb-19 18:08:53

Yes you are over reacting. He has other commitments. I'd move on. You are young.

Parthenope Sat 16-Feb-19 18:12:31

I'd move on, OP. You clearly aren't happy with the way your BF arranges his life and views his other, prior commitments. And to be honest, if you've only been with him a year, I'm surprised you've done much more than meet his children, far less had the opportunity to 'take them on as if they were your own', so it sounds like blurry boundaries all round.

MiniCooperLover Sat 16-Feb-19 18:12:30

She is the mother of his kids. She'll always be important in some way whether you like it or not. And the kids will always be more important than you. That's just how it is.

Tennesseewhiskey Sat 16-Feb-19 18:12:46

I assume he does these things because it make life easier for her and the kids.

If you can't handle it, you need to leave.

And please don't say you have taken the kids on like they are your own. They aren't your own. You have no concept of what that is. It great that you, presumably, do alot for them. But they aren't like your own if him helping decorate their home, is a problem.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict Sat 16-Feb-19 18:21:44

I would walk away from this before it gets more messy. First of all, you may be a positive presence in their lives but you haven't took the kids on as if they're your own as they already have a mother.
I do agree that seeing your ex partner every day is probably too much and his next partner may feel the same way you do, but if the arrangement works for them then you're just going to have to deal with it. Not everyone is cut out for having relationships with someone with kids as it can be hard work.

FiveRedBricks Sat 16-Feb-19 18:23:59

Yabu. They are still parents together and will be together in that respect whenever they need to be. That can and could include helping the mother of his kids with her house. Because it's his kid's house too. Geddit?

StillCoughingandLaughing Sat 16-Feb-19 18:24:37

For the love of God, buy a bag of full stops.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 16-Feb-19 18:28:04

He’s very involved with his ex and if he’s comfortable with that then it’s not going to change.

A year in is a good time to take stock and if you’re not happy then it’s sensible to end things and walk away.

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Find someone who is fully available and wants what you want and can prioritise you and your relationship.

LazyLizzy Sat 16-Feb-19 18:29:40

Still gringrin

timeisnotaline Sat 16-Feb-19 18:34:32

still grin

MillieMoodle Sat 16-Feb-19 18:41:49

YABU - they're his kids, they'll always come first. She's their mother - if it's amicable, which it sounds like it is, they will always parent their children together. I'd move on if I were you, it will irritate you more if you have children with him.

@StillCoughingandLaughing gringrin

Intohellbutstayingstrong Sat 16-Feb-19 18:42:05

Wow OP you are getting some really arsey responses here. Not sure why some posters need to be so twatish given that you have posted a genuine request for advice.
You are clearly at very different points in your life with very different priorities and a significant age gap. It's great that you have been making an effort with his kids but this dynamic with his ex doesn't seem likely to change anytime soon. How old are the kids?
You can either speak to him and share your worries, accept things as they are or cut your losses and appreciate that the level of involvement he has with his family is not something you can accept as part of your r'ship.
By the sounds of it you have a lot of time on your hands and as you said this dynamic has probably become much more apparent to you.

Vulpine Sat 16-Feb-19 18:43:47

Maybe ask why he's no longer with the mother of his two young kids hmm

JasperKarat Sat 16-Feb-19 18:44:20

For the love of God, buy a bag of full stops.

Intohellbutstayingstrong Sat 16-Feb-19 18:48:39

Maybe ask why he's no longer with the mother of his two young kids

FFS hmm

MrsTerryPratcett Sat 16-Feb-19 18:53:57

He spent weeks fixing up his children's other home, not his exes home.

He is older, at a different stage, with children.

I would fine someone you have more in common with.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 18:56:25

I have to say I think it’s great that he is still able to get along with his ex. The children will really benefit from this. Of course he wants to help out - he sounds like a good bloke.

I don’t want to seem patronising but like others have said, you seem to have overplayed your role in the children’s lives. You are not a third parent - you are their dad’s girlfriend.

I think you need someone without children. You are very young and you want to be the centre of someone’s world - and there is nothing wrong with that. You won’t get that from him, and you are in danger of becoming bitter and jealous.

kittybee Sat 16-Feb-19 19:24:01


NoodleKT Sat 16-Feb-19 19:46:24

Not really sure why you all decided to comment on whether she's allowed to say she's taken the children on as her own. That's a perfectly fine thing to say, she didn't say she was replacing their mother ffs.
I have a blended family and read to my DH and we both think that your DP is doing way more than us normal for an ex (even with kids!)
OP, think you need to talk to your DP and if this is what their relationship will stay like then you either need to accept it or move on. Sorry thanks

NoodleKT Sat 16-Feb-19 19:46:56


ralphfromlordoftheflies Sat 16-Feb-19 19:53:27

Actually, I think that your DP sounds far too involved and intertwined with his ex. Giving her lifts here, there and everywhere crosses a boundary. He is still doing husband jobs. I would leave, and find someone who isn't so involved with their ex.

Tennesseewhiskey Sat 16-Feb-19 19:55:58

Not really sure why you all decided to comment on whether she's allowed to say she's taken the children on as her own. That's a perfectly fine thing to say, she didn't say she was replacing their mother ffs.

If it's not relevant shevwoildnt have put it in. No one has to explain to you why.

They aren't like her own. She has known them less than a year. It's bollocks saying that people use, means fuck all. Especially when both parents are in the picture andvthe op has known them a few months.

Dippypippy1980 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:04:39

Perhaps we have different definitions of taking on children like they are her own.

To me this is taking a parental role. Loving the child more than anything or anyone, taking an active role in every aspect of that child’s life, planning for and making sacrifices for the childs future and being an active (an equal) part of decisions taken.

I am very involved in my nephews life - I financially contribute to his schooling, I help him with his homework and he stays with me one or two night a week. But haven’t ‘taken him on like he is my own’. He has parents. I just love him.

Perhaps OP is this involved. But perhaps she just means she has grown to love the children.

Parthenope Sat 16-Feb-19 20:30:15

Perhaps OP is this involved. But perhaps she just means she has grown to love the children.

Frankly, if she's only been with their father for a year, she shouldn't be either -- it stores up heartache all round when the relationship ends, as sounds likely. And it probably should. The OP has more time on her hands and is seeing more of a situation that considerably pre-dates her, and which sounds unlikely to change significantly.

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