Dw sidelined in will / legacy discussions

[Pelicanman]

I recently had a discussion with my parents and siblings about their (my parents) will and their wishes about what happens to their property after they die. My dw is now upset that she wasn't included in the discussion. None of my siblings brought their spouses either. I would not expect to be involved in discussions about her parents estate and can't understand why she feels upset. ISBU? Or am I?

[TearingUpMyHeart]

She is being very odd imo, but I guess if her family involve you in those discussions it's a cultural difference rather than my first instinct that she is controlling.

[GruciusMalfoy]

She's being unreasonable. It's your parents will, it's up to them who need to be told about it.

[Gizlotsmum]

I didn't want to get involved in my in-laws will discussions. It's their choice, nothing to do with me. When they rang to talk through what we needed to do I passed them onto my husband. It felt wrong for me to be involved. I know the rough details and that's all I need

[lazyarse123]

She is, they're your parents. The one thing that's always said on here is if there is an in-law issue then the one who's parents are involved should deal with it. She should be involved in discussions with you on what to do with your share though, hope that's a long time away.

[MerryMarigold]

Could be a few reasons she's upset:
A. All your finances are joint, including perhaps any inheritance she's already had, and it feels odd that in this area she has no idea what's going on.
B. You are financially controlling and this is another way of showing it
C. She suspects you may divorce her soonish and she's worried she won't know or have access to financial information
D. She's financially controlling, or in charge of finances in your family so it feels undermining that she's not in the loop.
E. There are trust issues in your relationship and this is highlighting them

Probably many others...too many nuances without understanding your relationship.

[GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal]

It's a strange reaction, I will wouldn't expect to be involved in DH's parents' will, or him with mine.

[Witchend]

Absolutely no
When my grandparents died one of the spouses wanted to be involved in all discussions and it caused resentment with the other siblings. Eventually they worked out a plan of action which was for the other spouses to say "oh private business, don't worry we'll all go out, it's not appropriate for us to stay" and wait until she joined them. The first time she tried to stay and they just played it as a jokey " sssh., Come on they want to talk about the will, they can't until we've gone".

[Bluntness100]

I think that's a bit unusual, as spouses myself and my sister in law were involved in the discussion, but we are very close. However if the boys had chosen to do it alone neither of us would have interfered in that or demanded to be involved.

[TowelNumber42]

What reasons does she give for being upset?

[LilaJude]

She is being unreasonable, that’s odd

[bigbluebus]

The only reason I got partially involved in discussions re IL's wills was because they wanted to leave a sum to each Grandchild, and as one of our DC had severe learning disabilities this had implications re where the money could go. As regards the share that DH will receive, I have no idea about nor would I expect to have been involved.

Your DW is being unreasonable.

[Sindragosan]

Odd. I know what's in the in-laws will as DH was asked to be executor, but neither of us was in a discussion, in-laws decided what they would like and informed everyone involved.

[BrokenWing]

What is her reasoning for being involved?

On the face of it, it is nothing to do with her, your parents will obviously bequeath in their will solely to you or your children not her, although if you are still together she will probably then benefit from anything you receive going into your family pot. It would be interesting why she thinks she should. She sounds nosey and untrusting.

[RelaisBlu]

It is not reasonable of her to expect to be included in this discussion

[Pelicanman]

Thanks for replies. I think her main issue was that she felt that she was not part of family and that it was something that would effect her long term. My view is that she can't have a hand in absolutely everything and she needs to trust my judgement on this. I have a large family with fairly regular deaths whereas she does not, so that may be a other factor.

[UbbesPonytail]

Has it made her feel not part of the family? I don’t think she’s right btw.

My in-laws Will has nothing to do with me. My sil’s partner is the only person they’ve spoken to but that’s because they’ve picked him as executor. It’s a long way off being read though, they’re both super healthy 60-something year olds. I mean, surely there’s not a lot to know. It will be fairly evenly split?

What more could she need to know and surely you told her anything that she would need to anyway?

[DishingOutDone]

That sounds really rude to me, why would she be entitled to attend? Unless she's basically after their money?

So OP surely there is a back story here?

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I have no interest what's in my PIL's will at all, as long as they leave enough to pay for funerals I'm good. I know my MIL is planning to leave some jewellery to me and my daughter. I was very touched by this as my daughter is technically a step-granddaughter. I was told this I never asked.

The only reason I could think that would make me want to be involved in any discussion would be if i thought my B/SIL was being manipulative, they aren't.

[Hushnownobodycares]

Most odd.

Has she got a reason for thinking she should have been included?

[MyBaa]

Nothing to do with her. My DHs Dad recently discussed his will with my husband and his sister...I wasn't included and nor should I be. Any money left to his children is his affair...and theirs.

[Muddysnowdrop]

What does “trust my judgement” mean - what judgement do you have to employ in a discussion about how your parents are leaving their estate? Is she worried you are telling your parents not to leave you anything?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My fils Will has nothing to do with me. Ditto my mother and dh. Mind you my mother is so controlling I don’t have a clue what’s in it. Golden child abusive brother does of course being named as executor and not me and all that ffs. I’m upset obviously but what can I do?🤷‍♀️

[AdoraBell]

Sounds like she is BU. But, is it that all your siblings are male and so it looks like only males are able to talk about finances?

I only ask that because my in-laws firmly believe that women don’t need to know about money, so all that stuff is managed by The Men.

[Hushnownobodycares]

Oh, X-post.

I think she's being presumptious. Any inheritance you receive would be yours to do with as you wish. If you want to give her a say in what happens to it that's up to you but she shouldn't assume she gets that.

[Birdie6]

I've never discussed my will with my adult children, let alone their spouses. I really don't get why this would be up for discussion - I'd be horrified if either of my sons-in-law asked to know what was in my will.

I never knew what was in my parent's wills either - I assumed that they'd made sensible arrangements and they did. Why your partner would expect to know is a mystery to me.