Was I expecting too much from DSD?

[Beachside123]

I’m a stepmum to two teenagers. One is easy to get on with, the other not so. I have a wonderful relationship with one, loads of love, the other who is treated identically I have big problems with.

They stay with us regularly and EOW. I struggle a lot. DH is not supportive of my struggles and, bizarrely, loves to shout at me when they’re around in the full knowledge that one of them will feed it back to her mum which he knows I hate (the feeding back not the mum). I know this because she has an open Facebook profile and is very vocal about how much she hates her ex and has been known to say she’s pleased when we row.

Tonight I was left alone with DSD and I asked her if she wanted to make tea with me, she ignored me walked away and closed her bedroom door. She came out an hour later when DH returned. Unless you know how nasty a 15yr old can be this could sound a bit lame.

I’ve been a little unwell and was upset. He started to shout at me saying I was expecting too much.

Was I? Should I keep on trying or just go out when they’re with us?

I left the house and am currently in my car wondering what the hell to do.

For context, I’ve been in their lives for five years. I met DH two years after he split from their mum. We have a great relationship usually, it only gets like this when we have problems with DSD.

Please don’t be too harsh as I’m a step mum, I do try really hard and I have mild MH issues.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your husband sounds absolutely horrid. No wonder his ex hates him so much. Why are you allowing him to treat you so terribly?Your step-daughter is the least of your problems, I'm afraid.

[Redken24]

Sorry it doesn't seem like a good relationship - your partner shouts at you in front of his kids on purpose?

[Tavannach]

She's 15. I think a lot of girls that age can be deeply unpleasant. Try taking a step back. Stay friendly but don't expect too much. It shoulder get better in time.

[thefirst48]

You don't have a step daughter problem you have a partner problem. Just leave the 15 year old to her own devices and you do as you please.

[timeisnotaline]

I think your husband is the problem.

[FriarTuck]

You sound like you're doing your best with the situation. And DSD is being a typical teenager combined with the effects of having divorced parents who don't get on well. DH on the other hand sounds like a twat (though obviously we are only getting your side of things). Sounds like you need a serious conversation when DSDs aren't around.

[JamPasty]

Your husband sounds like an absolute bastard. Do you want to live like that for the rest of your life? You are worth more.

[Aprilshowersarecomingsoon]

I am betting a divorce would alleviate your mh issues....

[Beachside123]

He doesn’t treat me terribly. He is super defensive of her even when it’s obvious she’s being unpleasant. His reaction is to shout. In all other ways he’s a good husband.

[RainbowWaffles]

Sounds very upsetting and demotivating when you are trying. I would make myself scarce for a while when they come over, I always planned one day/night out and had one day/night in with my teenage SC. Gave us a chance to chat when I was there but also gave them alone time with their dad when I wasn’t. Plus I had no desire to spend the whole weekend with my teenage DSC, not that they were bad or anything, but I never vocalized that part of my motivation! It worked well for all of us, they have a great relationship with their dad and I get on well with them.

I wouldn’t go hide in the car or anything thought. Next time, just make proper plans. Everyone gets space they need. I wouldn’t be chasing after a rude teenager especially if my DP was being an arse too. Leave them to it!

[Thesearmsofmine]

Your husband is the biggest issue here, no way should he be shooting at you, let alone in front of his children. He should be telling her to stop being so rude to you. She is 15 not 5.

[WhenISnappedAndFarted]

I also agree that it's your partner that is the problem.

[Jamhandprints]

It sounds like you are in an impossible situation. To be honest I'd just stay away when they come. It's not fair on you. If you DP gets upset about it, explain that it's because he hasn't supported you in any way with it.
Do you have somewhere you can go to stay sometimes?

[Blackbear10]

The MN old adage applies here, you have a DH problem!

Not only is he treating you with absolutely zero respect he is also doing it in front of his DC.

Why do you think he thinks it ok to talk to you that way? Are you going to allow him to continue talking to you/treating you with no respect?

They might be a reason he is someone’s ex and it doesn’t sound like the ex partner was the problem!

[YouSayPotatoesISayVodka]

I don’t think your stepchildren are the problem, they’re just a tool for your nasty bastard of a husband to use against you. It almost seems like he’s playing you and them off against each other.

[timeisnotaline]

How is he a good husband when ‘he likes to shout at me when they’re around knowing they will feed it back to their mum’? He is not a good husband. If you really want to stay in the marriage I’d establish new boundaries. Walk out every time he does that and stay out for the night (friend, hotel, family) Tell him you’ll be doing this. (Others probably have better advice, mainly to leave him, but as you don’t sound at all interested in that this is all I could think of)

[JamPasty]

Doesn't sound like a good husband to me. Good husbands are supportive and don't shout at people

[kbPOW]

Your husband is the source of the disrespect. No wonder his ex hates him. He doesn't sound lovely at all.

[ThreeAnkleBiters]

Your stepdaughter sounds like a moody teenager with the added complication that her parents have spit up and she's been forced to add people to her family life without having any choice. She's resisting by rejecting you.

Your real problem sounds like your partner who treats you like dirt.

[titchy]

Ask him if he wants hid dd's role model of a normal adult relationship to be one where her dp shouts at her regularly? Is that really what he wants for his dd?

[foggyuplands]

Your DH sounds like an arse. Your dsd doesn't sound any different from many teenagers.
If he continues to shout at you in front of them I would make it clear to him that you won't help parent them.
When he shouts I would leave the house, take yourself elsewhere and let him crack on with making dinner or whatever is happening.
You shouldn't be shouted at by your DP.

[Beachside123]

Thank you for your support. I’m not going to walk out of an otherwise happy marriage because DH is super defensive around his daughters. His response is unreasonable, I know that, but it’s not a reason to throw away my marriage.

DSD will not be 15 forever, but I do have an immediate problem. She is difficult and in need to work out how to manage this.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He’s not a good husband. He’s not a good person. Good people don’t shout at, verbally abuse and belittle anyone, least of all their loved ones.

Who else does he shout at? His friends? His boss? His parents? His children? No? Just you, because you’re having a hard time negotiating the relationship with his rude daughter?

[WhoKnewBeefStew]

Shouting at you like that is NOT the sign of a good husband!!

Your dsd is simply doing what teenagers do and chances are she’ll come out the other side as a lovely young lady.

Your dh is another matter! He’s old enough to know what he’s doing, what he’s doing is wrong and nasty. I fully appreciate he wants to stick up for his dd ( and is prob doing it to try and maintain a relationship with her) but he also needs to be realistic around her behaviour. Your dh is the problem and I’d be having severe words with him. Your dsd won’t ever get better if he carries on like this

[AnneLovesGilbert]

X post. You cannot possibly manage it without his support. I think he’s being clear that you don’t have his support.

I’d love to know what you think an unhappy marriage looks and feels like when you think regular shouting is part of a happy one. I’ve had both. Not being shouted at is infinitely preferable.