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for being upset that my baby was being looked after by sis with special needs?

(92 Posts)
allthegearnoidea Wed 04-Jul-07 22:47:46

Really hope it's not too late and there are enough enthusiastic people to give me some input on this, it's tearing me up!

Here goes...
Left my LO 19 weeks old with my mum for a night, and 2 full days as i went on a girly weekend away, first time in a year and a half, first time away from baby.

I phoned to check on him mum said he was with 'mary poppins', referring to my sister with special needs, she is 42 with cognition of 3-4 yr old.

She told me that at some point she had left the room and come back and LO had a pillow on his face and sis was laughing cos he was covered up. When i went ape shit, she told i was being too heavy, that the pillow couldn't get flat to his face and that he was fine!

my point was that sis doesn't have understanding of baby being in trouble or what is/ isn't dangerous, why the hell was mum leaving them together on their own? my mum was telling this as a funny story and didn't see why i was upset as all is ok.

she is supposed to be having LO one day a week when i go back to work, now too scared. am i being over the top? mum has made me feel guilty getting upset about it and now isn't talking to me, what do i do?

any opinions?

edam Wed 04-Jul-07 22:51:12

YANBU. Suspect your mum is covering up her guilt by acting angry. Either that or she's got really, really, bad judgement. I'm not sure she's the right person to look after your baby, tbh. Leaving your sister on her own with the baby is not safe and not fair on her, either.

perpetuaphoenixfire Wed 04-Jul-07 22:52:48

i would find a childminder.

allthegearnoidea Wed 04-Jul-07 22:53:47

DH could have written your post edam! it is likely to destroy relationship with mum as i am telling her i don't trust her! she always gives me the crap line 'i was rearing children before you were born'! aaah!

allthegearnoidea Wed 04-Jul-07 22:54:43

we are using CM for 3 days and can't afford an extra day, but looks like we will have to!

Whooosh Wed 04-Jul-07 22:54:48

Sounds like you will do nothing but worry for the one day a week LO is at your Mum's.
At the risk of sounding dramatic,in order to give you some peace fo mind-can you make another arrangement for LO.

On the flipside-surely you Mothe is aware of your sister's limitatins and would not leave her for any length of time unsupervised?

Feel for you as there is no easy answer.

themoon66 Wed 04-Jul-07 22:56:04

He had a pillow over his face FFS! I would have been furious. YANBU.

allthegearnoidea Wed 04-Jul-07 22:58:10

cheers for post whoosh, i too though that my mum would have more sense, when i added that her and stepdad even calling sis 'mary popppins' implies she is with baby quite alot, she said only a few mins, but i'm not convinced, i said that it takes less than that for a baby to choke or suffocate and she said i was being ridiculous!

potoftea Wed 04-Jul-07 22:58:40

I also think that your mom may be feeling a tad stupid for not seeing the danger, and is projecting that into anger.

She was totally out of order on this, and if you are seriously going to leave your baby there in her care, either going to work, or occasional baby-sitting, you will need to sit down and camly explain to her how this is written in stone that your sister does not be left alone with the baby. If you are not happy with how she takes this, or don't trust her to follow your directions, you really will have no choice but to find another minder. Otherwise you will never relax leaving your dc there.

magnolia1 Wed 04-Jul-07 22:59:36

Wouldn't leave him with her to be honset. You will worry and It will put a strain on your relationship with your mum

GreebosWhiskers Wed 04-Jul-07 22:59:56

A childminder for the extra day is probably best. As others have said you'd just worry on the day your lo was with your mum. I really feel for you as you obviously don't want to upset your family but the safety of your lo has to come first. FWIW I think your mum is probably a bit horrified at what could have happened & is probably defensive 'cos she knows she was wrong.

gess Wed 04-Jul-07 23:00:02

Do you mean your sister was looking after the baby, or just that she was left alone for a short while?

My eldest son has SN and was left alone in the room with his 2 brothers as babies, although never for long. On the other hand my friend's dd (with SN) couldn't be left alone as she would pick ds2 & ds3 up, but not particularly safely iykwim.

In this situation I would say depends on the circumstances. It isn't realistic to expect your mum to supervise your sister plus baby by herself without leaving them alone for at least a few minutes (go to the loo/make a cup of tea.answer the front door etc) & it's up to you to decide whether that sort of scenrio is safe or not. If it isn't don't leave her there until she's older.

LittleBoot Wed 04-Jul-07 23:01:06

yep sorry anyone who dismisses your concerns as "ridiculous" is not the right person to look after your child.

Go with your gut feeling, you will always feel anxious if your baby is with your mum

debgronow Wed 04-Jul-07 23:01:17

Well ask yourself would you leave your child with a 3 or 4 year old .
The answer has to be no as they would not have the judgement or capacity to look after the needs of a baby in a safe way.
She probably realises she has had a lack of judgement has is deflecting her guilt into anger at you. Dont feel guilty about this its too late if something went wrong.
I would do as the other posters suggested look into nurseries / child minders.

gess Wed 04-Jul-07 23:01:25

"this is written in stone that your sister does not be left alone with the baby"

soprry impossible for one person if expected to care for baby plus adult with LD's. If your sister really can't be left alone with the baby at all, not fair to put your mum in that situation.

mummytosteven Wed 04-Jul-07 23:01:30

agree with Gess.

but ultimately, if you aren't comfortable, then don't leave her with your mum.

allthegearnoidea Wed 04-Jul-07 23:01:33

you are all confirming what i have been thinking, my mum was supposed to be doing more days originally but because if other concerns over her reliability and competence we cut it down to one, so taking that too will prob end our relationship. it's such a mess, my mum is 62 and a complete bratt!

allthegearnoidea Wed 04-Jul-07 23:03:37

sis doesn't require looking after, she lives with my mum independantly and is out for most of the day at various clubs etc, meant that cognition is 3-4yr old in terms of 'stranger danger', empathy, cause-consequence etc, she is on the surface a well fuctioning adult if that makes sense.

gess Wed 04-Jul-07 23:03:51

I don't think you're being that fair with that really. No-one can look after a baby plus someone with learning difficulties alone without leaving them alone at some time. It's just not possible. It's your judegment call as to whether that is safe or not.

gess Wed 04-Jul-07 23:05:37

So it's up to you to decide whether she's safe to be left alone for short periods (I assume your mum was in the house? If not then that is a bit worrying).

I can leave my 8 year old with severe LD's alone with baby's as he's not interested in baby's, I can't leave my firend's dd as she was interested. I used to strap ds2 or ds3 to me (sling) when visiting, but probably unfair to expect a 62 year old to do that!

LyraB Wed 04-Jul-07 23:05:51

I would not leave the baby with your mum unless you're 100% sure she will never leave your sister alone with her again. It's not worth the risk. Can you work one less day?

Whooosh Wed 04-Jul-07 23:06:13

I really feel for you-families are as much of a curse to some of us as a blessing to others <sigh>

Go with you rinstincts-it is your baby and you who will worry/suffer.If you Mumisn't big enough to deal with it then tough-you and LO aremore important.

debgronow Wed 04-Jul-07 23:07:27

Does your sister have a social worker or support worker you could talk to confidentially and express your concerns to. If they agree that your sister does not have the capacity to understand the risks of behaviour to a small baby then could they explain this to your mum in a way that wont upset her.

gess Wed 04-Jul-07 23:07:40

All the people who say 'she must never leave her alone with her again". How????? Have you ever looked after a large person with leanring difficulties plus baby? How do you never leave them alone?

LyraB Wed 04-Jul-07 23:09:33

OP said the sister was out for most of the day. surely the grandmother could do what she needs to do alone during that time, and supervise them both when the sister is at home.

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