To feel that his suicide is inevitable and I can’t prevent it.

[fearfullotsofthetime]

I love someone who struggles with his mental health, he’s honest about experiencing suicidal ideation periodically. He’s fully prepared to take his own life previously, bought the relevant items etc. When he’s well, he’s magnificent but he can deteriorate quickly and I feel like, should he decide to take his own life, I wouldn’t be able to prevent this.

How do I live with this? If he doesn’t answer my call or my text isn’t read for a while, I worry that he might have taken his life.

It’s destroying me. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Butterymuffin]

You can't protect him from himself 24/7. No one can. If this does happen, it will not be your fault.

Is this a partner? Friend? Are you getting support for the strain that supporting him puts you under?

[fearfullotsofthetime]

Thanks for replying. I started this thread as he hadn’t read my text which sent me into a downward spiral.

Partner, we don’t live together.

[fearfullotsofthetime]

I don’t have any support with this, he doesn’t want friends to know.

[winsinbin]

I totally understand your fear. I work with depressed individuals and whilst on a cognitive level I can accept that suicide is a legitimate choice for some people and a way out of the pain they feel in this world my personal desire is to help them find another path. It’s a constant struggle to accept that this isn’t always possible.

My own dad died quite young after 3 years suffering from cancer and suffering even more from all the horrible, painful treatments associated with it. When he died, even in the midst of my grief, I was able to be grateful that his suffering was over and he was no longer in pain. I try and have the same mindset when someone takes their own life, to be grateful that their emotional pain is over but it’s very difficult even with clients and I cannot imagine how hard it would be with someone I love.

I hope you and your loved one get all the help you can.

[ZigZagIntoTheBlue]

I decided not to live with this, not the exact same thing but it felt like emotional abuse so I stepped away.
It was upsetting for us both but ultimately the right thing for my own mental health!

[velourvoyageur]

Bloody hell OP, I can't imagine how much stress you must be under. I'm so sorry you have to go through this (and also for your partner). Is anyone else aware of the situation?

Has he replied to your text now?
Big hug.

[SmileEachDay]

What does his MH team say?

[SnowyAlpsandPeaks]

OP have you sought support from any agencies to help you? Is he under psychiatric services?

[Mixedbags]

Is there anyone you can confide in but not totally expose him?

[manicinsomniac]

YABU to think his suicide is inevitable.

YANBU to think you can't prevent it.

Mental health is unpredictable and changeable. There aren't any people who are definitely going to kill themselves and there aren't any people who could never, ever find themselves struggling with suicidal thoughts. But we are all responsible for the way we manage our own mental health. Other people aren't to blame for our actions.

[ladycarlotta]

my partner suffers from depression. He attempted suicide once, ten years ago when we were friends but not in a relationship, and has experienced suicidal ideation a few times in the 8 years we've been together. I really understand. It is frightening. You cannot prevent him from doing it if that's what he decides.

But we have built a really wonderful, joyful, loving relationship together. There have been times when I've been really frightened by his mental state, but for the most part we have reached a point where we meet his depression as a united front; he tells me when he is feeling wobbly and we try to keep communicating through whatever's going on, even when he can't really speak or get out of bed.

Sometimes it has been very very hard to put myself and my fear aside to just BE THERE for him unwaveringly and without judgement; sometimes being with someone who is suffering from depression is thankless and awful and you want to scream. You need a huge reserve of personal strength. I can only say what's worked for my relationship and that's for both of us to have a responsibility to 'us', the unit: for me to be patient and gentle with him, and for him to try to recall that I am a person too, even in his darkest moments. Depression is a viciously anti-social illness but you can still keep hold of one another through it.

I just want to make sure that he is not holding the threat/possibility of suicide over you. It's one thing to acknowledge that it is there, and another to build the whole conversation around it and make it powerful. If this terror that he might have killed himself is coming only from you, then you need to find a way to deal with it; if he's well enough that might involve his cooperation, eg you agree that he answers the phone to you at X time of day, or that he checks in sometimes or whatever. If he isn't well enough you need to find the strength within yourself to not wrap yourself up in knots and demand things of him that he can't deliver.

However, if it's something he uses to control the situation then protect yourself and get the hell out. Nobody needs to be with someone who uses their MH as a weapon. It's definitely not your responsibility to keep him safe, either way; at most your responsibility extends to maintaining a healthy relationship without exhausting yourself, and that's as much for your benefit as his. You do not need to feel trapped there because of his MH.

(I'm not saying that's how you feel, I'm just saying it's a potential pitfall. Most people with MH problems do not seek to milk them.)

Good luck. I promise it can be wonderful.

[Craftycorvid]

So sorry you feel on your own with this, OP. He may not wants friends to know what’s going on but you do need support, whether informal or professional. This is too much for you to be carrying, and it is a burden even though you acknowledge you couldn’t prevent him from acting on his feelings. Does he have any places to get support? Would he call Samaritans or a crisis service? It goes without saying that his mental health and his life are not your responsibility. It’s draining to feel you are ‘it’ in terms of people he will talk to.

[speakout]

OP I am sorry- I have no answers.

I would have to walk away from that situation for my own self preservation.

[Pinkyyy]

OP do you feel trapped in the relationship by this? Of course he's in a very bad place and you want to do all you can to help him, but this could become very detrimental to your own mental health.

[ClarabellaCTL]

OP I'm so sorry you are going through this. You cannot make yourself feel responsible for his state of mind. You can't fix him, but he could destroy you. It's not just him who is suffering here, you are too so if you need people to talk to then you are entitled to do so. xx

[ladycarlotta]

PS if at some point he feels able to let his friends know, even if just a few on the downlow, it can make the world of difference. For us it's built up over years, but it's been invaluable to have a few friends who - when things get really bad - I can text and ask to take him out for a drink/game of tennis or whatever. They might have guessed anyway. Don't betray his trust, but sometimes other people can provide things that you can't.

And if he isn't receiving any medical help, try to get him some. If one GP is shit, try another. If one anti depressant or therapy doesn't work, try another. Be gentle but be firm on that.

[fearfullotsofthetime]

Thanks everyone for replying. He’s read the message now so I feel more relaxed.

To those asking about the way he talks about it, at points I have considered that he may be a vulnerable narcissist and uses his mental health as a way to control me but these days I see that he’s a victim of his mental health struggles.

I love him, I don’t want to walk away from him but how I feel is deteriorating. I really really struggle with the uncertainty.

[DameIfYouDo]

I tend to think of it like cancer. You don't know which ones will recover and which ones will die. As with cancer, you have no control. It is that serious, that fatal and that out of your control.

[Butterymuffin]

You need to be able to offload on someone about this yourself. Perhaps someone who doesn't know him, possibly even a counsellor / therapist of your own, but certainly someone. It's an incredible burden to be carrying.

[StarJumpsandaHalf]

I don't know how you live with this kind of stress OP Most people would find it intolerable and walk away to preserve and protect themselves.

This page on the MIND site gives further links for helplines, websites and peer groups who offer support for those closely involved with people who have suicidal tendencies and mental health issues.
www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/supporting-yourself/?o=10307#.XGScHcHANPY

It would probably help you to talk with people who've got experience of the same things.

for you.

[HebeMumsnet]

Hi OP. We just wanted to pop by and post a link to our Mental Health webguide. We often post it when Mumsnetters are themselves suffering mental health difficulties but there are many organisations listed here who might be able to offer you advice on this situation, or just listen.

[cestlavielife]

It might help you to talk to someone...a counsellor therapist or Samaritans or calmzone.net or uksobs.org

When exp was talking about it a lot yes I came to realising it was not something I could control...You have to accept that...

(but he also used to say it it to try and control me...though does have a MH diagnosis. )
Call someone and talk it through

[fearfullotsofthetime]

Dame, the cancer analogy is really very helpful. That might help actually.

I have considered that I may need therapy. I can be having a great day, I’ll try to tell him, he won’t reply or read it and I have an image in my head of him having taken his own life. He has shared in intricate detail his previous plans.. what he’d be wearing, what room etc he was going t do it in.

I feel like I’m trapped in hell on Earth.. it gut wrenching.

[theonetowalkinthesun]

Counselling counselling counselling

You absolutely need to get yourself some counselling OP.

I am experiencing a similar sort of situation but with a friend, not a partner. Gone through multiple suicide attempts in the last few months.

I mentioned it to my boss at work actually, and was taken aback when my boss said to me 'you need to get counselling for yourself for this, trust me, from personal experience' because I didn't see myself as the person who needed 'help' or counselling- but my boss was so right!

My counsellor has helped me come to terms with the fact that you cannot spend every single second of every day worrying whether they are okay or anything you can do to stop them from doing it. She helped me understand that she is first and foremost my friend, not my 'patient' and so sometimes I need to relax more and just be a friend- chatting and laughing - rather than trying to focus all the time on constantly asking her strategies to stop her doing it again and checking in on her constantly to check she hasn't done anything.

My counsellor has helped me deal with that worry when she doesn't answer her phone straight away and helped me work on the idea that 'it is not possible for me to prevent her suicide entirely. If she does attempt suicide, i should in no way feel guilty. I have been loving and supportive, and that is enough.'

You can be supportive in terms of keeping an eye out that your partner is picking up medicine if taking any, that they are going to any gp appointments, that they know that you are here for them and you can ask them what it is you can do for them. But you have to fight to stop this from taking over every second of your day, because you have to come to terms with the fact that you cannot prevent every single thing. It is so hard, OP, I know. And this being your partner, this must be so difficult- I really feel for you.

You sound like you are doing your absolute best, do not be hard on yourself. Just don't forget to look out for you. Do what's best for you too.

[theonetowalkinthesun]

Cross post with cestlavielife