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AIBU?

Pushy parents making us feel left out..

99 replies

CaseofEllen · 13/02/2019 20:43

Hi everyone,

I feel bad even posting this as I love my parents dearly but I need to know AIBU?

Me and my DP are expecting our first baby in March, he's also my parents first grandchild. They have been really great throughout pregnancy, brought us lots of lovely bits, been supportive and I've even ask my DM to be a birth partner alongside DP (DP is happy with this too!)

The thing is, whenever they talk about our baby they always talk about it from their perspective! Things like:

  • we can't wait to take him to the beach for the first time
  • we're going to see him everyday
  • he's OUR grandson (emphasis on the our)


When I talk about 'my son' my mum gets annoyed, she even said the other day 'just raise him exactly like we raised you and your sister' and they're annoyed because we've said they can't take him on holiday with them in October (he'll be 6.5 months).

My DP said he feels like he's an added extra in their eyes as they don't talk about him as my babies dad, they just talk about being his grandparents. They haven't asked DP how he feels about being a first time dad for example.

I know they don't mean to intentionally make us feel this way but I am getting worried, me and DP are creating our own family unit and I don't want it to come to blows when DS is here!

Any advice appreciate! Xx
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CaseofEllen · 13/02/2019 20:44

Just to add, I'm 25, DP is 31. We've been together nearly 2 years and own our home so we're not teenage parents relying on family etc (not that that is a problem!)

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Absofrigginlootly · 13/02/2019 20:48

If you have a good relationship with your parents just talk to them about it.

Alternatively read the website daughter’s of narcissus mothers to see if any of it rings true. If so, I recommend the book toxic parents (chapter on controlling parents) and counselling to help you put in boundaries

Very hard to say which situation it is because there’s not enough information about your relationship in the op

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Absofrigginlootly · 13/02/2019 20:49

*narcissistic mothers

Blimmin autocorrect

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CaseofEllen · 13/02/2019 20:52

@Absofrigginlootly my mistake! We have a great relationship but they can't let go. I think they struggle with the fact I'm starting my own family unit (especially my DM). I did try and talk about it with my DM a couple of days ago but I think she thought I was joking Hmm maybe I need to sit down with them both and have a serious chat x

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Absofrigginlootly · 13/02/2019 20:52

and they're annoyed because we've said they can't take him on holiday with them in October (he'll be 6.5 months)

Just re read that.... do they mean with out you and DP?!!? Shock

You need boundaries. Lots of boundaries

Respond to any suggestions like that with blunt tovthr point responses

“What?! No of course you can’t take my 6 month old baby away on holiday without us don’t be so utterly ridiculous mum”

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Creatureofthenight · 13/02/2019 20:53

No YANBU. They are excited but so are you and they are making it seem like their feelings trump yours. Can you have a gentle chat about this?
My DM was a little like this, got carried away with buying stuff. When she bought one particular thing I was quite upset as I had wanted to choose it myself. So I just said, I’m not ungrateful but I’m her mummy and I wanted to be the one to choose that for her. It worked, she apologised and returned what she had bought.
Could you say something along those lines?

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CaseofEllen · 13/02/2019 20:56

@Absofrigginlootly yes without us! I was shocked that DM thought I would be happy with that but when I said absolutely not she said 'oh don't turn him into a needy child' 

@Creatureofthenight I'm hoping that will work. I think I need to talk to them together as DF is more reasonable xx

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honeylane · 13/02/2019 20:57

You have to address it with them

The holiday thing is just bananas

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Stickerrocks · 13/02/2019 20:58

They're just excited. I don't think my parents ever asked my DH how he felt about becoming a dad - is this a thing now like baby showers and gender reveals? As for talking about the adventures they will have with the baby, I doubt if they are planning to wrestle the baby from you to have the first ever day out at the beach, they sound as though they are thinking of lovely things to do. You're very lucky.

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LightDrizzle · 13/02/2019 20:58

Are you and your husband happy with them coming round every day once he’s born?

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youllhavehadyourtea · 13/02/2019 20:59

1.They are excited.

  1. they have forgotten how much work a baby is.
  2. They will be great grandparents when the wee one arrives and they have calmed down.
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cadburyegg · 13/02/2019 21:00

Shock at “don’t turn him into a needy child”. Babies and young children are supposed to be needy - that’s how our species has survived!

YANBU. Nip this in the bud otherwise it will only get worse. You’re the parent of YOUR new baby. They’ve had their time.

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ChasedByBees · 13/02/2019 21:01

It sounds like they are getting (very) overexcited. You’ll need to put in some boundaries. Once they’re in place, things will get easier.

My DC didn’t have their first sleepover until they were 5, so from my perspective, saying no to a holiday at 6 months is entirely reasonable!

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Holidayshopping · 13/02/2019 21:03

What were her own experiences with her parents/in laws when you were little? Did she have parents who took you/your sister as babies away at 6 months?

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UnicornRainbowsRain · 13/02/2019 21:05

You need to lay the law down before the baby is born otherwise it's going to cause issues in your marriage!

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Janethevirgo · 13/02/2019 21:09

They are obviously excited about becoming first time grandparents however you need to nip this in the bud now.
Sit them down for the serious chat. Do you stay with them ?

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SimoneStrasser · 13/02/2019 21:10

I think you do need to present a united front with your dh to your parents and make it known that you won’t be joined at the hip when it comes to raising your son.

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ChrisPrattsFace · 13/02/2019 21:11

Sounds similar to us! I’m not as far along as you, but already both my parents and DHs parents, ask a lot of questions about when ‘they’ can do this and that.
We’ve already been quiet firm with them, trying to set the boundaries and expectations now rather than attempt it later.
If you have a good relationship, it’s probably easier just to say it how it is! Good luck though! 😁

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ResistanceIsNecessary · 13/02/2019 21:14

One simple conversation:

I'm pleased that you're excited but you need to understand that this is OUR baby, not yours. You've already had your turn at being Mum and Dad. The decisions will be ours - like when he comes to see you. The first times are ours as well, because we are his parents, not you. We want you to have a good relationship with him, but if you push and try and get your own way then all that will happen is that we will pull back and you will see him less. It's your choice.

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LovingLola · 13/02/2019 21:17

My DP said he feels like he's an added extra in their eyes as they don't talk about him as my babies dad,
I feel enormous sympathy for your dp and you need to listen to him.
And does he really want your mother at the birth as well or is he saying that to keep the peace.
If it was his parents making these demands would you feel differently?

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EffYouSeeKaye · 13/02/2019 21:18

Oh dear. I hope they calm down after the birth or you are about to discover you don’t have the great relationship with them you think you do. The ‘needy child’ comment is not a good sign. Establish boundaries. Be firm.

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HappyLife21 · 13/02/2019 21:18

Very good wording from ResistanceIsNecessary and a very apt username too!

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crimsonlake · 13/02/2019 21:19

I cannot help wondering if you feel like this why did you ask your DM to be at the birth?

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Crunched · 13/02/2019 21:19

I’m a few years off being a Grandparent but can imagine how exciting it must be, particularly if I am lucky enough to have a close relationship my DC and their partner.
Tell them exactly what you are saying on here. I think they will be mortified to realise their attitudes are spoiling such a special time for you and your DP.
If there are any free holidays to be had, make sure you go on them!

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EffYouSeeKaye · 13/02/2019 21:19

I'm pleased that you're excited but you need to understand that this is OUR baby, not yours. You've already had your turn at being Mum and Dad. The decisions will be ours - like when he comes to see you. The first times are ours as well, because we are his parents, not you. We want you to have a good relationship with him, but if you push and try and get your own way then all that will happen is that we will pull back and you will see him less. It's your choice.

This is perfect.

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