To think this is a bonkers opinion about childbirth(344 Posts)
So I had a baby boy 5 months ago and recently met up with some friends whose children are older. Haven’t seen them since the baby.
I generally don’t talk about the birth because no one really wants to know about someone else’s experience, but they did ask so I briefly told them (induction, back to back labour til fully dilated, pushing with episiotomy and forceps, emcs)
One of them said ‘so you’ve come away from that thinking that you know what it’s like to have a baby’. Wtf does that even mean? I said ‘I don’t get what you mean by that!’
She said ‘you’ve not given birth properly, you’ve not been in transition, you’ve only done the easy bit. So many women think they’ve given birth but they have no idea’.
I wasn’t sure what to say so we just changed the subject but it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe she’s right and I’ve only had the easy bit (in which case I would hate to see the next bit!!) but surely no one really thinks like this about labour?
My other friend didn’t agree but didn’t necessarily disagree; she said that a section is the easy option but if your body can’t give birth properly then it’s not your fault
I’m not sure why I’m posting except to say- Aibu that this is not how normal people view childbirth?
I had 2 relatively easy vaginal births and your experience was obviously much .ore difficult than mine. She's a twat.
It doesn't matter whether you pushed baby out or it was taken out by a surgeon, you gave birth.
And I defy anyone who's had a back to back labour to say it wasn't the worst pain in the world ever. It... was... grim.
Transition is the part where you are moving from dilating to getting ready for pushing. If I remember right it can last from 8-10cm. It's generally thought the most painful part.
Gosh I haven't been through birth but I'm terrified of forceps! I think your friend is an idiot. Of course you've been through birth! It's not a competition!
Why is the transition bit considered the apex? and what is this 'giving birth properly' business. Which ever way you do it, its all pretty rough.
Sounds like she has massive isssshhhhues. And the other one is a bit dim perhaps?
OP I've had similar comments as I had a CS (opted due to medical reasons) and the amount of times I've heard 'oooh but you've not really given birth' - well I had a fucking baby cut out of me so yeah, I've given birth.
Ignore. No one cares how they get here just that they get here safely.
I think you "friend" has a few issues of her own.
Of course you gave birth. You have a baby to prove it.
What a lovely friend you have
Ignore - she clearly has some sort of issue that’s not yours to worry about. If it helps in my experience pushing the baby out is the easiest part and your birth sounds a lot harder than mine we’re.
God I always feel the most sorry for women who go through labour and then have to get an emcs. It's like having the worst of both worlds. All that labour and a section. I was induced on my last 2 pregnancies and it was intense. So to be induced, go through labour and then have to have a section is traumatic. I can't imagine being envious or smug about someone elses birth experiences and if someone said something like that in my company I would be quick to put them in their place.
Yikes what a stupid thing to say!
And not that I want to waste time dissecting your friends stupid opinion, but transition is when you go from the first stage (dilating) to the second stage (pushing). You were in the pushing stage therefore you did experience transition!
In fact you experienced all forms of childbirth in one day - natural, instrumental and cs! If your friend only experienced one of these, surely she's the one that got off easy.
I’ve had one EMCS and one forceps delivery and I do occasionally say that I haven’t “given birth” in the sense of pushing a baby out of my body - I’ve had babies removed from my body by obstetricians because my body sucks at that lay bit. But that’s my choice to describe it so and I certainly wouldn’t say I’d had the easy option, or make those comments to someone else who’d had those experiences. Your acquaintance sounds like a total bitch. If she’s otherwise lovely then perhaps I’d give her the benefit of suspecting PTSD, but my guess is she’s just vile.
It's a stupid thing to say because every mother is different and birth is different even to the same mother, so they really can't be compared, especially not on 'merit'.
I've given birth twice, the first was like yours and the second progressed more naturally. The first was EASILY the most traumatic and uncomfortable for me. So I rate what you've done!
Your ‘friend’ is a nasty piece of work. After what you went through to give birth to your baby you deserve a bloody medal!
I didn't even get to go into labour. I developed HELLP syndrome, induction failed, straight to section. Your friend is a bellend.
This. I had a c section under GA because of HELLP syndrome and liked it so much I had planned sections for 2 and 3. God knows what your judgemental bitch frenemy would think of me. Thankfully I have no fucks to give.
Birth, however it happens, Is a means to an end. To be so hung up on the details of someone else’s process suggests a pretty empty life.
I think I’d message her and say something like “I’ve been thinking about what you said about my birth last time we met. I found what you said rude and hurtful. I don’t know what you were trying to gain by diminishing my experience”. Unless you had a fulsome apology I’d steer clear of her.
She’s a silly cow.
For what it’s worth my first birth was also a nightmare and I hated every moment but my second (home) birth was amazing.
I've only done the easy bit too. Never even pushed. I did have a huge hemmhorage that nearly killed me and a placental abruption that nearly killed my twins but yeah I never pushed a baby out my vag so it was easy!
Also, re: transition
You fully dilated and started pushing - transition is the time between the end of the second stage and the beginning of the third stage (pushing) as far as I remember. You went through ‘transition’ - though I can’t makr head nor tail of what her actual point is.
I had 39 hours of established labour followed by a terrible tear and a lot of stitches. Still think I had it easier than you. Ignore and enjoy your baby op.
That's a horrible friend right there. My first was a straightforward labour, easy as (apart from it being labour so hard work), second was exactly like yours, back to back labour (sheesh I wouldn't wish that on Trump), ended up having forceps- not easy at all- third was a section. The second and third, yeah they were worse by far than my first birth. The last stage is I think the easiest, although none of it is easy. In any case. However you give birth, it's difficult and you all came through safely and that is awesome. Your friends need to give their heads a wobble.
WTF. WTAF . What à complete bitch . Apart from being wrong (nothing in your birth sounds easy, to me it sounded like you got the worst of both worlds as in knackered and cut from vaginal and recovery from section when you're starting out knackered). Even if that's what she believes it's just mean to say it - she is either trying to make you feel worse about your birth which is downright nasty, or make herself feel better about her own in a really horrible way. I can't believe anyone still thinks even a planned c section is easy, trying to recover from a major op while looking after a new born, often with high blood loss and complications.
I think I'd have to say something to correct them OP. Not because I'm confrontational (I'm not) but because she is factually wrong, is sections were the easy section doctors would push them for eeveryone. And if she said it to the wrong person then it could trigger or worsen someone's pnd. She needs to know how it feels to be on the receiving end of comments like that. If I left it I'd just be seething every time I spoke to her.
I don't think it matters if you lose her as a friend tbh she sounds like she will be a nightmare comparing your babies and anyone that bottle feeds / purees / doesn't Co sleep etc won't be doing it 'properly'
Sorry your friend isn't a friend, I wouldn't want a friend like that. "So you’ve come away from that thinking that you know what it’s like to have a baby" What a nasty weird comment. Why is she so concerned about other people's birth experiences and whether they fit her notion of a "valid" birth. I don't have children do not idea what "transition is but you've had a baby, you've given birth. What normal person cares how. She seems like a bitch and hard work. She wouldn't be my friend after that comment.
Oh dear , I didn't realise it was a competition ! Ignore this "friend", she has issues and just want s to put you down and big herself up . Complete and utter twaddle !!!!
Definitely pushing is the easy bit as you can do something with the contractions.
Your friend sounds horrible, ignore but preferably get rid.
Send her this...
Dictionary result for birth
noun: birth; plural noun: births
the emergence of a baby or other young from the body of its mother; the start of life as a physically separate being.
And then then this....
Dictionary result for arsehole
noun: arsehole; plural noun: arseholes
a person's anus.
a stupid, irritating, or contemptible person.
"he's a total arsehole"
Fuck me. It sounds like you experienced most of the worst possible outcomes of labour. But I would not say to my friend who has an ‘easy, quick’ labour that she did not k ow what it was like to have a baby.
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