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To think this is a bonkers opinion about childbirth

(344 Posts)
Reallyreallyreally1 Tue 12-Feb-19 08:05:44

So I had a baby boy 5 months ago and recently met up with some friends whose children are older. Haven’t seen them since the baby.

I generally don’t talk about the birth because no one really wants to know about someone else’s experience, but they did ask so I briefly told them (induction, back to back labour til fully dilated, pushing with episiotomy and forceps, emcs)

One of them said ‘so you’ve come away from that thinking that you know what it’s like to have a baby’. Wtf does that even mean? I said ‘I don’t get what you mean by that!’

She said ‘you’ve not given birth properly, you’ve not been in transition, you’ve only done the easy bit. So many women think they’ve given birth but they have no idea’.

I wasn’t sure what to say so we just changed the subject but it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe she’s right and I’ve only had the easy bit (in which case I would hate to see the next bit!!) but surely no one really thinks like this about labour?
My other friend didn’t agree but didn’t necessarily disagree; she said that a section is the easy option but if your body can’t give birth properly then it’s not your fault grin

I’m not sure why I’m posting except to say- Aibu that this is not how normal people view childbirth?

Leapfrog44 Wed 13-Feb-19 20:42:21

WTF? She sounds bitter and crazy

IAteTheLastOne Wed 13-Feb-19 20:57:21

Chocwocdooda

I’m guessing your friend had a drug free, natural labour and thinks she deserves a fucking medal for it.

This!

Supergrassyknoll Wed 13-Feb-19 20:59:09

What a bitch, don’t worry about her pathetic attempt at one upmanship, rise above and know that she’s not a friend, steer clear or just ignore and don’t engage in conversation if you’re unlucky enough to be in her company again x

SleeplessInc Wed 13-Feb-19 21:11:55

Every birth is different, there are no prizes (apart from a healthy baby) and each one has its difficulties,

I had an emergency c section with no.1, long drawn out vbac with no.2 both entirely different and both difficult in their own ways. Despite the spiraling interventions with no.2 over 4 days in hospital it was still ‘easier’ than having a c section.

Any woman that tells another woman they are inferior because of the way their baby was delivered is, well, let’s just say, it’s the same as the place a baby often comes out of you, but I don’t like to swear! grin

Loreleigh Wed 13-Feb-19 21:13:20

Your so-called-friend sounds a little deranged! Ignore the bitchiness and just enjoy the baby you gave birth to smile

StrawberrySquash Wed 13-Feb-19 21:17:12

The friend who hasnt has a caesarean doesn't know what it's like recovering from that while looking after a tiny baby. Births differ. Nobody should judge each other for that, it's just the way it happens.

staceyflack Wed 13-Feb-19 21:18:11

Congratulations! Hope you are enjoying motherhood. And recovering well from your challenging birth.
As a mother and a midwife i can honestly say that that woman is talking absolute rubbish. Tell her to fuck right off.

Catsinthecupboard Wed 13-Feb-19 21:19:06

Ugh! This is asinine. Competition over giving birth? Such an annoying thing that we do.

For one thing, it sounds like you've had a traumatic experience. Anytime forceps are mentioned, it's time to be kind.

I think that this is one of stupidest things to feel smug about bc while some people give birth easily, it's a life threatening event.

Bc of previous surgery, i had to have 2 c-sections. Thankfully!!
Ds was butt first breach and dd had cord around her neck and also abdomen. I am so grateful that i was not able to even try to have natural birth. My children wouldn't have survived. Nor me.

Also. I could barely walk after first one. It took weeks healing. Second was fairly easy. They were so far apart in difficulty that it didn't seem like same operation. My point: even on same person you can't compare bc it's different.

She's a selfish, selfcentered jerk. Drop her bc she'll want to compare dc and your feelings will continually be hurt.

Ignore her, forget her.flowers
Love your baby and never think of her again.

flowergrrl77 Wed 13-Feb-19 21:51:56

hugs I am sorry that these people treated you this way..

I’ve had 3 babies, first was an Emergency C.S. (no labour, baby in danger) and I can hands down state that overall (recovery included) the Caesar was the hardest! You had most of a freakin labour with your C.S.! You totally birthed your baby, ok so with help! But you did it!

biscuit

MrsPeel Wed 13-Feb-19 21:54:25

What is the big deal? You got a baby out of your body - does the method really matter/ Its a very odd and unhealthy fixation if you ask me.

EllenMP Wed 13-Feb-19 21:56:02

Friends don't let friends EVER think they did childbirth wrong. Healthy mother/healthy baby, mission accomplished. It sounds like your birth experience was about as painful, frightening and lengthy as it's possible to be. You have been through the wars and you deserve a medal, not a bitchy comment. Episiotomy AND c-section? After back labour?!?! You're a brave girl and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I hope any additional births in your future come off more easily for you, and if you choose a section next time after this nightmare, don't let any mean girls make you feel one iota of guilt or insecurity over it. Healthy mother + healthy baby = gold star, no matter what how you got the job done.

caringcarer Wed 13-Feb-19 22:37:14

I had one induced birth and put on drip, one perfectly normal vaginal birth, and one c section whilst awake. I can honestly say not much difference between them. Contractions for me harder than pushing baby out. Your friend is a CF. Don't take any notice of her.

UnicornRainbowsRain Wed 13-Feb-19 22:40:47

I had a vaginal birth. Birth fine but issues after with baby and me. I'm quite proud I managed a long birth with no pain relief... because it showed me that I can do that level of pain when I've practically been fainting at paper cuts in the past.

However, my friends that have had the most complex, difficult births and had c/sections are the women that I look up to. They've fought and fought for their babies and they've had tough deliveries and recoveries. They've shown me what strength in motherhood is, and I'm in awe of what they've gone through and recovered physically from.

stayathomer Wed 13-Feb-19 22:45:23

I hate that rubbish!!! SIL avoids even talking about birth as she had three CS and thinks it means she isn't qualified to talk about it all. If there is a baby then the person gave birth, why is it all such a competition?!

aariah08 Wed 13-Feb-19 22:54:03

Both your ‘friends’ sound ignorant, but the first one is just a massive bitch!
I despise the whole ‘my labour was harder than your labour’ it’s the equivalent of a dick measuring contest for guys!!!
There is no ‘easy’ way to give birth. However yours seemed particularly difficult. Entire first stage, into the second stage and then major emergency surgery!!!!
I would ditch the friends and focus on the beautiful baby that your body made AND birthed!!

manicmij Wed 13-Feb-19 22:55:10

I had difficult births but no way would I say you didn't experience what giving birth is like. Ignore the twat.

Humboles Thu 14-Feb-19 00:23:57

I knew a mum who had identical twins by caesarean section and she had an absolutely horrendous time as the babies were badly positioned. A friend had two separate 'caesars' and each time the elcs decision was made very late after she had undergone long and unsuccessful labours, one of which almost killed her — it was later discovered she had an undiagnosed 'vaginal anomaly'. Meanwhile, other women bring babies into the world unassisted! These are all defined as deliveries and no group should feel they have the monopoly on authentic birthing.

winniestone37 Thu 14-Feb-19 08:51:10

She's an idiot and how horrible for you to have to listen to her sad wittering that involves putting down and trumping other women. You don't need her approval tbough, she doesn't qualify your value and self worth. Keep her at arms length.

Rockmysocks Thu 14-Feb-19 09:54:49

Jeez, some fucking women are bitches! Why the competition? All everybody wants at the end of the day is healthy mother and baby.

Labour is a means to an end. Once it's over, it becomes a memory and the pain and indignity (ies!) fade but becoming a mother starting with a living, breathing, tiny little baby is a lifetime's job and makes it all worth while.

That cow can go take a flying fuck.

Stayawayfromitsmouth Thu 14-Feb-19 10:03:12

She's no friend. She's a wierd bitch who is wrong.
My first labour sounds pretty similar to yours and it was fucking horrendous.
My second labour was almost textbook apart from my water didn't break. I didn't have time for pain relief either.
Both resulted in a baby.
What a strange not-friend.

Ummaybenot Thu 14-Feb-19 10:12:55

With ds1 I had an emcs after 14 hours of active labour as the baby's heart was stopping. He was poorly at birth too.
Ds2 They wanted to do a planned csec due to complications first time round. All went well till he came out and also stopped breathing. He was in nicu for a while.

My "best friend" had 2 very textbook quick natural labours still now tells everyone openly infront of me how LUCKY I am to have had 2 cesereans and how I will never know what it's like to actually give birth and how LUCKY that makes me. I find it such a horrible selfish thing for her to say but for some reason I just never say anything!

I think people like this say things to make themselves feel better, just try and let it wash over you

Limensoda Thu 14-Feb-19 10:25:46

I had a delivery similar to yours. Baby back to back, forceps etc. I was heavily drugged, 36 hour Labour and baby had breathing difficulties and in the special baby care unit for 5 days.
I have very little memory of the Labour and they messed up the delivery so I came away feeling I hadn't experienced delivering a baby properly.
I had PND too.
My second baby was a straightforward Labour, fully aware and involved and I remember all of it.
Both labours resulted in beautiful babies.
I have no idea why someone would belittle your experience. There's no fucking point apart from trying to make herself feel superior.

PeapodBurgundy Thu 14-Feb-19 10:28:16

I'd really like to know how hours of back to back labour, failed forceps delivery followed by major surgery is considered 'the easy bit' compared to the relatively small proportion of a vaginal birth which you didn't experience. Agree with PP, she's not a friend. Please don't let her take up any mor3e head space. Congratulations on your DS (my DD is the same age smile )

EugenesAxe Thu 14-Feb-19 10:43:35

No with bells on. I had a ‘normal’ delivery (I could do birth, not BFing) and in my opinion she is completely wrong. WTF! “You didn’t go through transition, you only did the easy bit.” Seriously she can fuck RIGHT off - the early dilation bit was hands down the worse part of my entire labour. I found that very painful and vomited with most contractions. The bit when I could suddenly push only came as a relief; it felt no different except I really couldn’t stop myself pushing; it didn’t hurt much at all by comparison. I’d just come out of a sleeplike state, after having pethidine, and I felt great and fresh. In any case, as someone said if you started to push then you did go into Stage 2 (if that’s what she means by transitioning) - you just physically couldn’t get your baby past your cervix or whatever. I don’t even know if that’s where babies get stuck, or if it’s in the birth canal.

I don’t think she’s much of a friend really - your labour sounds far more of an effort than many people’s. She must have some other hang up about her parent experience so far, to be trying to score points for herself in this way.

OMGafourth Thu 14-Feb-19 12:00:02

IMO section mums are even more amazing than vaginal birth mums... I've only had the former, but SIL and a close friend have both had sections. It's major surgery with recovery time, but you don't really get time to recover because you're responsible for a new life!

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