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To think this is a bonkers opinion about childbirth

(344 Posts)
Reallyreallyreally1 Tue 12-Feb-19 08:05:44

So I had a baby boy 5 months ago and recently met up with some friends whose children are older. Haven’t seen them since the baby.

I generally don’t talk about the birth because no one really wants to know about someone else’s experience, but they did ask so I briefly told them (induction, back to back labour til fully dilated, pushing with episiotomy and forceps, emcs)

One of them said ‘so you’ve come away from that thinking that you know what it’s like to have a baby’. Wtf does that even mean? I said ‘I don’t get what you mean by that!’

She said ‘you’ve not given birth properly, you’ve not been in transition, you’ve only done the easy bit. So many women think they’ve given birth but they have no idea’.

I wasn’t sure what to say so we just changed the subject but it’s left a nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe she’s right and I’ve only had the easy bit (in which case I would hate to see the next bit!!) but surely no one really thinks like this about labour?
My other friend didn’t agree but didn’t necessarily disagree; she said that a section is the easy option but if your body can’t give birth properly then it’s not your fault grin

I’m not sure why I’m posting except to say- Aibu that this is not how normal people view childbirth?

Leapfrog44 Wed 13-Feb-19 20:42:21

WTF? She sounds bitter and crazy

IAteTheLastOne Wed 13-Feb-19 20:57:21

Chocwocdooda

I’m guessing your friend had a drug free, natural labour and thinks she deserves a fucking medal for it.

This!

Supergrassyknoll Wed 13-Feb-19 20:59:09

What a bitch, don’t worry about her pathetic attempt at one upmanship, rise above and know that she’s not a friend, steer clear or just ignore and don’t engage in conversation if you’re unlucky enough to be in her company again x

SleeplessInc Wed 13-Feb-19 21:11:55

Every birth is different, there are no prizes (apart from a healthy baby) and each one has its difficulties,

I had an emergency c section with no.1, long drawn out vbac with no.2 both entirely different and both difficult in their own ways. Despite the spiraling interventions with no.2 over 4 days in hospital it was still ‘easier’ than having a c section.

Any woman that tells another woman they are inferior because of the way their baby was delivered is, well, let’s just say, it’s the same as the place a baby often comes out of you, but I don’t like to swear! grin

Loreleigh Wed 13-Feb-19 21:13:20

Your so-called-friend sounds a little deranged! Ignore the bitchiness and just enjoy the baby you gave birth to smile

StrawberrySquash Wed 13-Feb-19 21:17:12

The friend who hasnt has a caesarean doesn't know what it's like recovering from that while looking after a tiny baby. Births differ. Nobody should judge each other for that, it's just the way it happens.

staceyflack Wed 13-Feb-19 21:18:11

Congratulations! Hope you are enjoying motherhood. And recovering well from your challenging birth.
As a mother and a midwife i can honestly say that that woman is talking absolute rubbish. Tell her to fuck right off.

Catsinthecupboard Wed 13-Feb-19 21:19:06

Ugh! This is asinine. Competition over giving birth? Such an annoying thing that we do.

For one thing, it sounds like you've had a traumatic experience. Anytime forceps are mentioned, it's time to be kind.

I think that this is one of stupidest things to feel smug about bc while some people give birth easily, it's a life threatening event.

Bc of previous surgery, i had to have 2 c-sections. Thankfully!!
Ds was butt first breach and dd had cord around her neck and also abdomen. I am so grateful that i was not able to even try to have natural birth. My children wouldn't have survived. Nor me.

Also. I could barely walk after first one. It took weeks healing. Second was fairly easy. They were so far apart in difficulty that it didn't seem like same operation. My point: even on same person you can't compare bc it's different.

She's a selfish, selfcentered jerk. Drop her bc she'll want to compare dc and your feelings will continually be hurt.

Ignore her, forget her.flowers
Love your baby and never think of her again.

flowergrrl77 Wed 13-Feb-19 21:51:56

hugs I am sorry that these people treated you this way..

I’ve had 3 babies, first was an Emergency C.S. (no labour, baby in danger) and I can hands down state that overall (recovery included) the Caesar was the hardest! You had most of a freakin labour with your C.S.! You totally birthed your baby, ok so with help! But you did it!

biscuit

MrsPeel Wed 13-Feb-19 21:54:25

What is the big deal? You got a baby out of your body - does the method really matter/ Its a very odd and unhealthy fixation if you ask me.

EllenMP Wed 13-Feb-19 21:56:02

Friends don't let friends EVER think they did childbirth wrong. Healthy mother/healthy baby, mission accomplished. It sounds like your birth experience was about as painful, frightening and lengthy as it's possible to be. You have been through the wars and you deserve a medal, not a bitchy comment. Episiotomy AND c-section? After back labour?!?! You're a brave girl and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I hope any additional births in your future come off more easily for you, and if you choose a section next time after this nightmare, don't let any mean girls make you feel one iota of guilt or insecurity over it. Healthy mother + healthy baby = gold star, no matter what how you got the job done.

caringcarer Wed 13-Feb-19 22:37:14

I had one induced birth and put on drip, one perfectly normal vaginal birth, and one c section whilst awake. I can honestly say not much difference between them. Contractions for me harder than pushing baby out. Your friend is a CF. Don't take any notice of her.

UnicornRainbowsRain Wed 13-Feb-19 22:40:47

I had a vaginal birth. Birth fine but issues after with baby and me. I'm quite proud I managed a long birth with no pain relief... because it showed me that I can do that level of pain when I've practically been fainting at paper cuts in the past.

However, my friends that have had the most complex, difficult births and had c/sections are the women that I look up to. They've fought and fought for their babies and they've had tough deliveries and recoveries. They've shown me what strength in motherhood is, and I'm in awe of what they've gone through and recovered physically from.

stayathomer Wed 13-Feb-19 22:45:23

I hate that rubbish!!! SIL avoids even talking about birth as she had three CS and thinks it means she isn't qualified to talk about it all. If there is a baby then the person gave birth, why is it all such a competition?!

aariah08 Wed 13-Feb-19 22:54:03

Both your ‘friends’ sound ignorant, but the first one is just a massive bitch!
I despise the whole ‘my labour was harder than your labour’ it’s the equivalent of a dick measuring contest for guys!!!
There is no ‘easy’ way to give birth. However yours seemed particularly difficult. Entire first stage, into the second stage and then major emergency surgery!!!!
I would ditch the friends and focus on the beautiful baby that your body made AND birthed!!

manicmij Wed 13-Feb-19 22:55:10

I had difficult births but no way would I say you didn't experience what giving birth is like. Ignore the twat.

Humboles Thu 14-Feb-19 00:23:57

I knew a mum who had identical twins by caesarean section and she had an absolutely horrendous time as the babies were badly positioned. A friend had two separate 'caesars' and each time the elcs decision was made very late after she had undergone long and unsuccessful labours, one of which almost killed her — it was later discovered she had an undiagnosed 'vaginal anomaly'. Meanwhile, other women bring babies into the world unassisted! These are all defined as deliveries and no group should feel they have the monopoly on authentic birthing.

winniestone37 Thu 14-Feb-19 08:51:10

She's an idiot and how horrible for you to have to listen to her sad wittering that involves putting down and trumping other women. You don't need her approval tbough, she doesn't qualify your value and self worth. Keep her at arms length.

Rockmysocks Thu 14-Feb-19 09:54:49

Jeez, some fucking women are bitches! Why the competition? All everybody wants at the end of the day is healthy mother and baby.

Labour is a means to an end. Once it's over, it becomes a memory and the pain and indignity (ies!) fade but becoming a mother starting with a living, breathing, tiny little baby is a lifetime's job and makes it all worth while.

That cow can go take a flying fuck.

Stayawayfromitsmouth Thu 14-Feb-19 10:03:12

She's no friend. She's a wierd bitch who is wrong.
My first labour sounds pretty similar to yours and it was fucking horrendous.
My second labour was almost textbook apart from my water didn't break. I didn't have time for pain relief either.
Both resulted in a baby.
What a strange not-friend.

Ummaybenot Thu 14-Feb-19 10:12:55

With ds1 I had an emcs after 14 hours of active labour as the baby's heart was stopping. He was poorly at birth too.
Ds2 They wanted to do a planned csec due to complications first time round. All went well till he came out and also stopped breathing. He was in nicu for a while.

My "best friend" had 2 very textbook quick natural labours still now tells everyone openly infront of me how LUCKY I am to have had 2 cesereans and how I will never know what it's like to actually give birth and how LUCKY that makes me. I find it such a horrible selfish thing for her to say but for some reason I just never say anything!

I think people like this say things to make themselves feel better, just try and let it wash over you

Limensoda Thu 14-Feb-19 10:25:46

I had a delivery similar to yours. Baby back to back, forceps etc. I was heavily drugged, 36 hour Labour and baby had breathing difficulties and in the special baby care unit for 5 days.
I have very little memory of the Labour and they messed up the delivery so I came away feeling I hadn't experienced delivering a baby properly.
I had PND too.
My second baby was a straightforward Labour, fully aware and involved and I remember all of it.
Both labours resulted in beautiful babies.
I have no idea why someone would belittle your experience. There's no fucking point apart from trying to make herself feel superior.

PeapodBurgundy Thu 14-Feb-19 10:28:16

I'd really like to know how hours of back to back labour, failed forceps delivery followed by major surgery is considered 'the easy bit' compared to the relatively small proportion of a vaginal birth which you didn't experience. Agree with PP, she's not a friend. Please don't let her take up any mor3e head space. Congratulations on your DS (my DD is the same age smile )

EugenesAxe Thu 14-Feb-19 10:43:35

No with bells on. I had a ‘normal’ delivery (I could do birth, not BFing) and in my opinion she is completely wrong. WTF! “You didn’t go through transition, you only did the easy bit.” Seriously she can fuck RIGHT off - the early dilation bit was hands down the worse part of my entire labour. I found that very painful and vomited with most contractions. The bit when I could suddenly push only came as a relief; it felt no different except I really couldn’t stop myself pushing; it didn’t hurt much at all by comparison. I’d just come out of a sleeplike state, after having pethidine, and I felt great and fresh. In any case, as someone said if you started to push then you did go into Stage 2 (if that’s what she means by transitioning) - you just physically couldn’t get your baby past your cervix or whatever. I don’t even know if that’s where babies get stuck, or if it’s in the birth canal.

I don’t think she’s much of a friend really - your labour sounds far more of an effort than many people’s. She must have some other hang up about her parent experience so far, to be trying to score points for herself in this way.

OMGafourth Thu 14-Feb-19 12:00:02

IMO section mums are even more amazing than vaginal birth mums... I've only had the former, but SIL and a close friend have both had sections. It's major surgery with recovery time, but you don't really get time to recover because you're responsible for a new life!

Housemum Thu 14-Feb-19 12:34:19

With my three, between them I have had emergency section/induction/"natural" labour. Premature and full term. Breast fed and bottle fed. They were all "proper" childbirth! At best I hope it's a poor attempt at humour from your friend, you certainly did NOT have an easy option!

outpinked Thu 14-Feb-19 12:37:36

Your friend is not a friend, ditch her.

What an odd opinion to have. She actually needs to look up the dictionary definition of birth, it doesn’t say ‘when a woman pushes a baby out of her vagina’ grin. Of course you gave birth, you have a baby! It sounds as though your birthing experience was a lot more traumatic than a regular straight forward vaginal birth as well.

She’s a dick.

ClaudiasWinkleMan Thu 14-Feb-19 13:53:04

Your “friend” is a grade A arsehole. A c-section is not an easy option, it is major abdominal surgery and takes much much longer to recover from. Your Labour sounds like it was really tough and both you and your child made it through safely.
Why do some women try to make motherhood a competition? It’s not. She is someone so wrecked with insecurities that she needs to try to make others feel like shit. She is best avoided.
Don’t listen to her poison. You did a great job!

Deadpoet Thu 14-Feb-19 15:20:33

Your friend is talking out of her arse. Transition is those last few contractions just before you start pushing so yes, as you were fully dilated and pushing, you do know what transition feels like. To be fair your labour and birth sound far more difficult than mine. X

Vixxxy Thu 14-Feb-19 15:54:18

She sounds horrid. For me, the pushing was definitely the easy bit with both, only lasted a few mins. It was the 30 hours labour with DD that was the horrendous part, once the drip went in to speed things up it was unbearable. I took all the drugs they offered at that stage as I was knackered, I guess I did not 'fully have the experience' or whatever too hmm

icedgem85 Thu 14-Feb-19 16:22:27

What? She’s not a friend, she’s a weirdo. My births were a bit like yours except luckily for me I managed to avoid the section. Not that it even matters, but the actual bit when the baby comes out is a massive release (I mean it stings, sure, but nothing compared to a c section recovery plus you had all the rest to deal with!

Bignosenobum Thu 14-Feb-19 17:03:52

What a total bitch

twobambinos Thu 14-Feb-19 17:26:51

An episiotomy and a section sounds awful one or the other to be healing would be enough. Of course you have given birth what a silly thing for her to say. Some people always just need to have the worst war stories.

twobambinos Thu 14-Feb-19 17:29:14

For me different parts of labour were worse each time. After 3 deliveries I couldnt say for definite that transition is the worst or contractions or pushing as it varied everytime. A section is never an easy way out and definitely not at the end of all that labouring.

Mmmhmmm Thu 14-Feb-19 19:23:50

WOW your "friends" are proper cunts, OP. shock

harvey30 Sat 16-Feb-19 19:19:25

Take it shee never had a section. Its far from easy!!!! Its major surgery!!! What a horrible friend. Cant stand ppl like that. Shes not got a clue. Iv had 2 sections n its far from a walk in the park. Iv also had natural and natural is easy compared to c section. Xx

harvey30 Sat 16-Feb-19 19:22:01

I agree icedgem85. Some people are such bitches. Hope she has to have a section now for future pregnancys the bitch lol . Then she will realise its not the easy way out!!!

dreamyflower Sat 16-Feb-19 19:43:41

They are not your friends. Having had an emergency c-section after 4 days of being in labour and an elective section for second birth, I don't think it's the easy option. My baby is 14 weeks and I've only just begun to be able to open up the double buggy as my muscles were so weak I couldn't before. It's scary as hell going into theatre knowing you're about to have complex surgery. Then the recovery, not being able to sit up properly, not being able to drive, not being able to lift up toddler. I would have slapped your friend. You gave birth to your child, you grew him and got him into the world. Your birth sounds very traumatic and I hope you are ok. Defo not the easy option.

CSIblonde Sat 16-Feb-19 19:46:48

Eugh. Competitive childbirth Nazi. Vile woman. So much for sisterhood. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

Applesandpears23 Sat 16-Feb-19 19:56:38

In addition to what everyone else is said if you plan to have another please don’t let her scare you. I have had one the way you did and one vaginal without assistance and the one with instruments was much harder to recover from physically and mentally. There is nothing ‘easy’ about the way you gave birth! Enjoy your baby and ditch the ‘friend’.

MiniMum97 Sat 16-Feb-19 20:00:55

If you were fully dilated and pushing you would have gone through transition which is the worst part of a "normal" labour. So your "friend" is talking shit. And even if you hadn't gone through transition, back to back, forceps etc that you describe are pretty horrific in themselves and arguably worse than transition.

Having said that you can't compare one labour with another. Everyone is different and everyone's experience of it is different.

I had a "normal" straightforward labour but f found the whole experience horrific and traumatising. Other people have an awful labour on paper but somehow loved the experience.

But it's not a fucking competition anyway. It's just giving birth.

Your friend is not a friend. What a fucking horrible, ignorant and spiteful thing to say.

Woolyheads Mon 25-Feb-19 15:36:56

Buy the poor love some flowers and tell her to get some counselling; she has a chip on her shoulder about the type of giving birth she had and should get help for it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Mon 25-Feb-19 15:43:58

Oh I've had all that. "Oh you cheated". "Easy way out".
A lot of women don't realise. A csection is not a get out of jail free card. Its a major operation.
That said though. I wouldn't like to give birth vaginally. The thought of tearing makes me shudder.

cheeseypuff Mon 25-Feb-19 16:01:35

Your "friend" sounds a bit odd & not a very nice person sorry OP. It's not like it's a massive competition to see who had the most "birthy" birth confused. You grew a baby & when the time came you gave birth to it. It may not have come out of your vagina but you sure as hell sound like you went through quite a varied experience to put it mildly .
I had forceps for my first birth & for a while afterwards felt like I hadnt actually "given birth properly" whatever that means!
My second arrived a lot more easily via a conventional straightforward vaginal route - it felt a lot easier but neither was particularly a pleasant experience that I'd hurry back to! Ignore her.

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