She came to my door stop and started screaming at me!!(303 Posts)
So for some (not particularly relevant) background, I am 19 and also have ASD ( I identify as HF. I know that some people don’t believe in HF, but that’s how I chose to identify myself as I feel that is what best represents me. )
I was fortunate enough to have a job trial on Sunday. I have been unemployed for six months now ( last job was great but unfortunately was a summer temp ).
I do not currently drive, so I politely asked DBF if she would take me. She kindly said yes. I asked because trains are doable but awkward on a Sunday so was just wondering if she could help me out. (BTW Job is roughly 35 minutes in the car, and usually on weekdays and Saturdays, 30 minutes on train – no changes )
The day before the trial, I went out for lunch with DBF and her DM. DM tells me that she is not happy with her DD taking me to this interview/trial, and that she wished that DD had not agreed to take me in the first place. On the drive home from lunch, DBF tells me that she is not sure if she will be able to take me now as she might be “busy” ( I asked her to define “busy“, and she replied with “stuff“). Anyway she said would let me know in the morning.
The next morning I got up, and messaged DBF to see if you could still take me. This was about 7 o’clock in the morning (I do understand that this is very early and was not expecting an answer straight away). However when I looked back at 8:30: no answer. I appreciate that 8:30 is still fairly early, but she knew that if I was to get the train I would need to leave in about 15 minutes. I decided to ring her DM and asked if DBF could still take me. She said she would ask and get back to me. About five minutes later I got a text through from DBF saying she would take me followed by a quick call from DBFs M, confirming the text as well as wishing me good luck (I thought this was very sweet and said thank you).
DBF picks me up and drives me to the interview. I said that I will pay her some petrol money, in which she said don’t worry about it at the moment. I then went and had my job interview/trial. While I thought that it went well, unfortunately I have reason to believe that on this occasion I have been unfortunate, as I feel there are too many factors going against me on this occasion. However I was pleased with how I performed in the trial and thought the people that I was working with where charming.
After the trial I rang DBF to see where she wanted to meet. There were a few shops I need to go round but due to the probable outcome of the trial, I felt very down and just really wanted to go home. One of the shops we did go in was Poundland as I desperately needed some new earplugs, as I didn’t have any as they were all broken My friend wanted to buy a car charger but was 20p short as her phone had died, which is what she used to buy things. So I offered that I would pay. she refused, but I insisted. After a few more shops we decided to Head home. Due to me not eating I asked if we could go for the MackieD drive-through. I ended up having to change my order, as the burger I wanted was 6 pounds on its own and I refused to pay that. There was then some issues with the drive-through as basically they forgot my order! So a bit anoyed, went in and had to pick it up. So a McDonald’s which should’ve taken one minute, ended up taking about seven minutes!
On the journey back we listen to music though a Bluetooth speaker. I do appreciate that I might of been slightly self-indulgent with being disappointed that I didn’t think I got it. But DBF didn’t seem to say anything. Near the end of the journey I deliberately chose the song “Days” by Kirsty MacColl to show my gratitude for all she did for me that day. When she dropped me off she seems absolutely fine and normal.
I have been home for about 20 minutes, when I had DBFs car pull up outside. I sensibly thought that I had forgotten something or picked somethings up In error: WRONG!! I answer the door to find her DM screaming that I am a ungrateful piece of s**t! And that I was a nightmare all day, as I was unsociable as I had my headphones in all day (*er going back to poundland*). When I try to defend myself and say I literally have done none of these things, she called me a liar. She went on to say how she needed her DDs help and that I just abused her! Transpires that she was angry because I didn’t give petrol money even though she asked me not to! All the things she said about me were completely fabricated and not true at all!
This really upset me so much: I actually ended up crying myself to sleep. Which is rare!
I had to leave college early today, as I was just so down I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This is where things get really strange! As I was walking back from the train station, guess who I hear: DBF caling my nick-name! I tell her that we need to talk, but she tells me she can’t as she will miss her train (she had 10 minutes!). I say to her that I didn’t appreciate her DM screaming at my front door. She said I know it was out of order and have told her off. I then tried to give her the money, but she literally just ran off like The Bloody White Rabbit, saying she was late. Unbelievable!
Not so much a AIBU, but more of a WWYD? DBF is like a sister to me and I really don’t want to ruin our friendship over this. But I would like some advice on how to go forward. Thank you
Her mum shouldn't have screamed at you op. However you can't treat her like a taxi. She drove you, waited around, took you for lunch. And after already making it obvious she didn't really want to. You should have just left the petrol money in her car.
Really you should have just caught a train. If someone tells you they are busy you accept that, it's none of your business why.
Oh dear what a mess.
I would let it lie tonight. Back to college tomorrow, your studies are important. Do you have a pastoral care team you could chat to tomorrow at college to help you find a way through?
BTW (wrote this but must have somehow got deleted)
I messaged DBF after the incident ( she hung up every time I try to ring her) and basically asked her what the hell was going on. See basically told me that she had no idea, she was in a part of it and that me and her are fine. I like to get a text from DM telling me not to bring DD into it as it’s between me and DM (What! it has everything to do with her; she was the one who spent the day with me, not DM!)
Sorry - going forward you should just try to be more aware of taking advantage of people.
Sounds like the issue is her mother, not her. Was her mother annoyed that her daughter was helping you rather than her?
Op do you ask her for favours often? Maybe this is why her mum is annoyed.
Ifi understand it correctly the friend went to a town half an hour away just for you, waited around for you to finish an interview/trial and then had to go round shops of your choosing and then drive you to macdonalds. You then played loud music in her car that wasnt her choice of music.
Did you actually say thank you or did you just play the song? Did you buy earphones or earplugs and which were you accused of having in?
It does sound like you don't fully appreciate how much time your friend gave up for you, it also sounds like the mun overreacted.
Her mother sounds like a controlling twat. You sound very nice.
From just reading your post you come across as a very detailed person and as much as I realise your a nice person, your post was annoying to read as you go into every detail and I feel you should just get to the point. I think it could be a personality clash/issue and your friend is perceiving your actions as something bad when to you its normal.
Just for the record, its not wrong to ask for a lift but when she said she might be busy the first time thats when I would have personally never asked again and just got the train without even messaging/calling her that morning. The mother sounds like a piece of work and she is not sensitive to you or your ASD and quite frankly its so rude to be that cruel to anyone but let alone someone with autism.
I really do not know what HF is also but I do not know what context this has (whatever it means) to the situation.
There has to be more to the story - how are the relations between you and the mother usually?
Why didn’t you get the train? You don’t sound like you have been very considerate.
@dustyfan I appreciate that I can’t use people as taxis, but it really hurts me When people say that I am not greatful. I told her thank you about five times throughout the day, as well as putting on that song, I also bought her a phone charger and a drink. I will pay her that money, but like I said she just ran off this afternoon.
@FlibbertyGiblets No, but there is a member of staff that I really trust and told her about it
You’re totally unreasonable. She made it clear she didn’t want to bring you and doesn’t have to give you a reason as to why. You took up a huge chunk of her day and didn’t give her any money.
Find your own way to places in future and stop using your friend.
firstly some posters don’t seem to realise she has ASD so many social cues won’t be obvious.
The best friend refused money so how on earth was she to know to leave it there anyway?
secondly... to the original poster. While on the surface you did nothing wrong.You asked for a lift and she agreed, you agreed on lunch and shops an she also refused money.
But people may not say what they actually mean and many things that SEEM obvious to other people without autism, are not obvious in the slightest to those with it. Things need to be said and not insinuated or implied.
My advice is - sit down and talk to your friend. Tell her that if she isn’t happy driving you around she NEEDS to tell you, if she isn’t happy waiting for lunch or wants money for petrol she NEEDs to tell you because you don’t just “know” these things and can’t assume to understand how others secretly feel. Say your sorry if she feels like that and you had no idea and your friendship is too important to lose so you both need to start being more honest. And in future i wouldn’t ask for anymore lifts unless desperate, you can catch the train but leave earlier by half an hour or even a taxi if you have the money.
sorry about the job
For the future just to pick up one one part of your post OP, when someone is giving you a lift. Don't ask to stop off anywhere else. Even at a shop. It's really annoying even if you say thank you lots.
dbf's mum sounds like a controlling pita, just ignore her, no reason to have contact with her at all, have a chat with dbf to clear the air, make sure she knows you appreciate her help, and either give her petrol money or treat her to a nice lunch or something , the mum is treating her daughter like a small child, when i take it she is around the same age as you.
I think it sounds like your friend didnt really want to do it but didn't want to say no. Perhaps she doesnt like confrontation and wasnt prepared to actually lie so when she said she might be busy you should have stopped asking.
I don't think I would even expect my partner to wait around for me on a sunday like that when i could have just used public transport. It was such an unecessary waste of her time. I wonder if there are other times when your friend has done similar things for you and her mum feels that you take advantage. (I am not excusing the mums behaviour)
I would just make a point of not asking for these kinds of favours from friend again and have no contact with the mum who behaved very badly.
Your friend should know you well enough to be able to say no to you. I imagine if she had said "No sorry I would like to relax on sunday as I had a busy week working and need a rest" you would have stopped asking. Perhaps just plan not to ask again.
high functioning autism.
she’s autistic and identifies as high functioning although those terms aren’t used anymore with the diagnosis
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