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To feel completely lost now over my teen son

(238 Posts)
cricketmum84 Mon 11-Feb-19 12:14:00

DS(14) is under CAMHS for depression and entirety. We've had a really rough year with him drinking, running away once, constant moodiness and attitude, missing school because he is refusing to go, swearing at us, breaking his phone in a temper.... lots more.

I'm at home today as I've had a meeting with school about his absences where we have been threatened with a fine and prosecution if he doesn't start going every day.

When I got home I checked my Instagram and noticed he was active about 3am.

I did something bad. I signed into his Instagram account and checked his messages. I know some will think this is wrong but I did it and am not about to get into a debate over whether I should be reading his messages.

He was messaging friends in the early hours of this morning saying he was drinking alcohol (no alcohol missing in the house so I don't know if this is true), taking my prescription drugs (I know this is true as I've checked my packs), sending pictures of our big kitchen knife saying he would hurt himself and talking about how it would feel to stab someone with it. There's also messages from the past few days about meeting up with friends and asking them to sneak vodka out of their houses in water bottles. There's explicit messages and images between him and some Instagram "star" who must be about 18?!?!

I feel like this is the last straw. I've fought and fought for the CAMHS referral but he won't engage with them so they keep telling me there isn't much they can do. I've talked to him, I've shouted, I've punished, I've cried, I've sat on the floor and sobbed. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make this right, I don't know how to talk to him, I don't know how to fix him. I want to scoop him up and kiss him better whilst slapping him for being so.... I don't even know what the right word is.

Please please can someone help us??

foggyuplands Sat 16-Feb-19 19:21:03

Please don't worry about social services involvement, I can't see them being able to do much, they are likely to see it as primarily a CAMHS issue but they aren't going to be taking your dc into care.

ssd Sat 16-Feb-19 19:23:36

That sounds so difficult I'm sorry

rosinavera Sat 16-Feb-19 19:51:11

I just wanted to add my support too! Please keep telling him you love him. You are a fabulous mum! xx

HowlsMovingBungalow Sat 16-Feb-19 19:53:59

Another one adding support, have had similar experiences with this.

Hold in there lovely!

youarenotkiddingme Sat 16-Feb-19 20:00:28

Well if they've sent him home with you they aren't concerned he's at risk. That's good.

However if he gets drunk and disorderly between now and appointments call the police.

Many people have had to do this over and over to get anyone to listen.


CSIblonde Sat 16-Feb-19 20:01:24

I think you need to identify the root cause of his behaviour. Do you suspect undiagnosed bi polar or similar? Or is he just depressed & why, and if so? Why won't he go to school: bullying or learning issues? Is he socially immature/challenged & buckling under peer pressure with the wrong crowd? Has there been a significant event or life change before this behaviour started (death, divorce, school move) or has he always struggled? If you don't get to the root cause you will be going round in circles whatever support you seek.

cricketmum84 Sun 17-Feb-19 00:02:09

@CSIblonde the problem we have is that he won't tell anyone why he feels so low.

Anyone who tried to engage with him, and that includes the health care professionals and the police all get the same treatment. He clams up, stares down at the ground and gives the occasional yes or no answer.

When I try to get to the bottom of it he gets angry. Even my mum, who he would always talk to, gets the same reaction.

It's so hard to get to the bottom of things when he won't talk sad

CSIblonde Sun 17-Feb-19 00:30:09

I really feel for you OP. Do his teachers have any info on him socially/ interacting with his peers & how he is learning wise, that might give a clue? . Is there anyone he talks to, a relative or a friend his age (whose mum might know/have some insight)? My neighbours 15yr old tells me stuff that bothers her as she doesn't want to worry her mum & she knows I've been round the block in schools in deprived areas, so teen issues with MH, sex, abuse, drugs etc don't faze me. (she was too embarrassed to talk to a Counsellor & her mum is very easily overwhelmed). The few times she was hesitant, I just told her it didn't matter what she told me I wouldnt judge & I'd always care & try to help. She seems better at venting & coping since, rather than exploding daily with rage & frustration.

clairemcnam Sun 17-Feb-19 00:38:57

OP, he might not know why he feels so down. So it might not be that he won't tell you, he may not know himself.

CSIblonde Sun 17-Feb-19 00:39:41 has a free 24 hour Crisis text line for teens: Text: YM85258. There is also other advice & support there, including Samaritans text, Tel & email lines. Sometimes an objective stranger you aren't face to face with is easier to talk to. Good luck OP.

CSIblonde Sun 17-Feb-19 00:49:21

Young Minds also have a daytime 9am-4.30pm parents helpline with trained advisers & outside of those hours online help contact form.

lyralalala Sun 17-Feb-19 01:02:20

Has he discussed his biological father with you?

Is there anything that could have sparked him off thinking about it? Could he have contacted your DS on social media?

Helmetbymidnight Sun 17-Feb-19 07:34:44

OP, he might not know why he feels so down. So it might not be that he won't tell you, he may not know himself.

yes and pushing for reasons may find him scrabbling around to make things up.

i would let hiscounsellor do that- there may be things, there may not, it may be that hedoesnt want to tell you now or doesnt want to tell you ever.

providing love, reassurance and support and a confidential space/person to talk to are the important things.

it does sound like youve both realised hes ill - which while really horrible and painful - is progress.

billybagpuss Sun 17-Feb-19 08:23:41

I hope you had an ok night OP. Don't try and overthink it, I'm sure there's very little you could have done differently, yes there may have been triggers but MH does not discriminate and it could be any number of things causing it, or it could be nothing as pp have said he probably doesn't know himself.

Georgiemcgeorgeface Sun 17-Feb-19 10:03:24

OP he won't have any answers to why he is feeling the way he does, he is ill, that's the reason. It's very hard for someone who has never suffered with MH issues to understand that I know. He's not being obstructive he's probably bewildered and frightened himself about how he is feeling and behaving. Just be there for him and reassure him you love him no matter what, and that it will get better x

cricketmum84 Sun 17-Feb-19 10:28:10

* It's very hard for someone who has never suffered with MH issues to understand that I know.*

Excuse me but Where did I say I had no experience of MH issues??? I suffer with anxiety and depression and am undergoing treatment with medication and have been for the last 2 years. It almost makes it harder because I understand exactly how he feels.

I also know that there are certain triggers for my anxiety and that sometimes it can come on all of a sudden. I know that I take small events or things people have said and build and build on them and catastrophise.

Georgiemcgeorgeface Sun 17-Feb-19 10:49:23

Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean you don't understand. I didn't mean to add to your upset x

cricketmum84 Sun 17-Feb-19 11:01:33

@Georgiemcgeorgeface sorry for jumping down your throat.

I'm a little over-sensitive at the moment.

ssd Sun 17-Feb-19 12:02:53

Op, have you discussed how you feel with your son I mean the fact that you are suffering mental health issues too? Maybe if he sees your mefica8is helping you he might feel more inclined to try something himself?

ssd Sun 17-Feb-19 12:04:01


ssd Sun 17-Feb-19 12:04:30

Could it be hereditary?

ChiaraRimini Sun 17-Feb-19 12:10:52

OP my DS was exactly the same and wouldn't/couldn't tell us what was wrong when he was in crisis (age 15) He wouldn't engage with talking therapies for a long time until he found someone he trusted. When he was an inpatient they did drama therapy and art therapy as alternatives. Ultimately the best therapy for him was being in the unit with other kids who were struggling as he learnt he wasn't the only one.
You can't make them talk if they don't want to or can't. As their parent you may not be the person they can open up to. My heart goes out to you. I really think you should push CAMHS to discuss if he should be admitted as an inpatient. I wouldn't have wanted it for my DS before it happened but looking back it was the best option.

wishingforalotterywin Sun 17-Feb-19 12:31:57

I hope that soon you get a worker with commitment & patience to engage him one to one and that he will learn to trust. Hoping it is the nurse you see on wed.

Maybe at the moment he's got himself into a corner and being defensive as he doesn't know how to feel better - he probably needs someone who can reach out to him and hold a hand out to help. Keep letting him know you love him and will help him get better

Has he got any nice friends who might come round and eg watch a film


Georgiemcgeorgeface Sun 17-Feb-19 16:54:33

@cricketmum84 that's understandable don't worry about it. I hope you're all ok x

CroesoY Sun 17-Feb-19 16:56:01


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