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to warn him over text? Impending break up.

(29 Posts)
Deeby Mon 11-Feb-19 11:07:21

I'm staying at a friend's at the moment. I'm going to leave DP and he doesn't know. I'm here with my young child. He keeps texting saying 'looking forward to seeing you both again', 'glad you'll be back soon' and I don't know what to say.

I feel incredibly guilty and don't know what to do. Deep down I know it would be cruel to mention anything now whilst I can't speak to him face to face. Also feel like I can't keep avoiding his messages. We have family celebrations this week so don't want to just up and leave (christening and mums 60th).

Should I speak to him on the phone? I can't keep pretending. What do I do?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Mon 11-Feb-19 11:10:35

If he is texting you about looking forward to seeing you both then I'm assuming your reasons for leaving are not based in him being an unloving partner. In that case, maybe just a quick "yes, see you when we get back" is less cruel than ignoring or hinting at a breakup when you aren't there to speak face-to-face.

Deeby Mon 11-Feb-19 11:12:15

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup we don't have a loving relationship. I feel like I am a babysitter, to his DD. He does a few nappy changes for DS but that's about it and has never helped at night. He's just lazy and as much as he adores his DS, he doesn't care about me. He just doesn't.

Deeby Mon 11-Feb-19 11:12:41

But I guess that doesn't change the fact I'm about to change his life significantly and for the worse.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Mon 11-Feb-19 11:19:23

Fair enough. Is it worth an honest ultimatum chat or has that ship sailed?

Having a young baby is stressful, DH and I ended up in counselling when DD was a baby because we just stopped connecting. He was a fantastic hands-on dad and we did still love each other though which made it worth saving.

How do you think he will react to you breaking up with him? If he's likely to get angry then I'd just phone and then take someone with you when you return home. If its just likely to be emotional then I'd wait until home and send non-committal responses, or leave phone in the bedroom so you can genuinely ignore him for a bit.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Mon 11-Feb-19 11:20:52

Also, are you moving out or expecting him to go?

Deeby Mon 11-Feb-19 11:21:02

I think he will get angry, and emotional. I'm scared I will be convinced in to staying..,

ImNotKitten Mon 11-Feb-19 11:21:47

When are you next planning to see him in person. I wouldn’t be able to go along with the texts either. You could call him if meeting up in person isn’t an option.

Nanny0gg Mon 11-Feb-19 11:21:57

Will it be a bolt out of the blue? Have you tried to fix it? Has he refused to try? Does he even realise there's a problem?

Deeby Mon 11-Feb-19 11:21:58

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup I'll be moving out as he has a child from a previous relationship and her bedroom is there

Deeby Mon 11-Feb-19 11:23:08

@Nanny0gg I've talked to him a number of times about the way he speaks to me. He doesn't see it. He thinks I'm over sensitive. It's definitely over for me.

Deeby Mon 11-Feb-19 11:26:40

@ImNotKitten I'll be back on Wednesday so after he finishes work Wednesday night

Wedgiecar58 Mon 11-Feb-19 11:27:16

Doesn't he wonder why you have fled to your friends? It seems like if you were really breaking up there would have been some steps towards this final decision. Is it really going to be completely out of the blue for him?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Mon 11-Feb-19 11:27:21

In that case, I would stop replying. Take someone with you when you go home and be prepared to pack up and leave all in one go. Have a repetitive phrase "it's not working for me, I'm leaving" or something that you can say to any begging/manipulation to stay.

I might also, as a courtesy, let his DD's mum know once its over in case she witnesses his anger and is upset.

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 11-Feb-19 11:35:13

It can be much harder to leave a good man than a bad one. But if the feeling isn't there that should be, and you feel you owe it to yourself and your child to leave, then that's what you must do. It may make him think twice about taking a woman for granted again.

But try not to be unnecessarily cruel to him.

Best of luck for the future.

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 11-Feb-19 11:36:28

I would add - in the long run it is kinder to him, too - if he is a nice enough bloke, he deserves to be with a woman who has loving feelings for him.

We can't help how we feel. We can help how we behave.

paintinmyhairAgain Mon 11-Feb-19 11:40:10

if you are committed to leaving, which sounds best for you given the situation, i would def. have a friend present as moral support. he's going to be upset about ds going but as he appears to be a disney dad, he'll have to learn to suck it up and get use to the idea of contact etc.
stay strong on this one.

TowelNumber42 Mon 11-Feb-19 11:47:33

Well, seeing as you've spoken to him several times about how he treats you then you've already laid the groundwork.

I don't quite follow your logic. You want to put on a happy family show for the christening and mums 60th. You know he will react badly to losing you is housekeeper/nanny Why on earth would you tell him you are leaving on Weds night? Surely that mucks everything up?

Have you got your new housing lined up? How long do you plan to live with him after you've told him it is over? Honestly, if I were you I'd be distant and rather cool but otherwise normal until the day I moved into the new place.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 11-Feb-19 11:47:57

Send him a 'holding response'. Something as simple as 'see you on Wednesday'. You could add something factual about what you're doing this week e.g. 'all's well here, lovely event yesterday'.

Do take a friend when you go to let him know and move out. It signals your mind's made up and you mean business.

SpanielEars070 Mon 11-Feb-19 11:51:07

Forget the family events and putting on a show. Can you get your friend to look after your DS and you go back to talk to him?

ambereeree Mon 11-Feb-19 11:52:11

Do you think he suspects so is sending messages?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon Mon 11-Feb-19 11:52:40

Also going to suggest you don't take ds when you tell him..

Antonin Mon 11-Feb-19 11:54:06

If he isn’t usuallyloving towards you OP it sounds as if his texts are just a lazy way of ensuring his DD’s babysitter will return. He is missing your services. Do not feel sorry for him. In the meantime just fob him off with neutral texts. Maybe remind him of stuff he ought to be doing around the house so he feels it is business as usual.
You are not under any obligation to make it easier for him. He has already caused you grief for you to have come to this difficult decision .
If you left it much longer your DC would start to talk to you like he does, to lose respect for you.
Good luck

NotTheFordType Mon 11-Feb-19 11:59:07

OP do you have a confirmed safe place to go? If so, considering what you said about being scared he'll convince you to stay, I would strongly suggest moving out while he's not there. I realise that is not easy with a young baby but better off with a supportive friend/relative than on your own with a tosspot.

Thehop Mon 11-Feb-19 12:01:57

Can you pack Wednesday day and be out when he comes home, or have a friend be there to help after you e told him?

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