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AIBU?

to warn him over text? Impending break up.

28 replies

Deeby · 11/02/2019 11:07

I'm staying at a friend's at the moment. I'm going to leave DP and he doesn't know. I'm here with my young child. He keeps texting saying 'looking forward to seeing you both again', 'glad you'll be back soon' and I don't know what to say.

I feel incredibly guilty and don't know what to do. Deep down I know it would be cruel to mention anything now whilst I can't speak to him face to face. Also feel like I can't keep avoiding his messages. We have family celebrations this week so don't want to just up and leave (christening and mums 60th).

Should I speak to him on the phone? I can't keep pretending. What do I do?

OP posts:

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TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 11/02/2019 11:10

If he is texting you about looking forward to seeing you both then I'm assuming your reasons for leaving are not based in him being an unloving partner. In that case, maybe just a quick "yes, see you when we get back" is less cruel than ignoring or hinting at a breakup when you aren't there to speak face-to-face.

Deeby · 11/02/2019 11:12

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup we don't have a loving relationship. I feel like I am a babysitter, to his DD. He does a few nappy changes for DS but that's about it and has never helped at night. He's just lazy and as much as he adores his DS, he doesn't care about me. He just doesn't.

OP posts:

Deeby · 11/02/2019 11:12

But I guess that doesn't change the fact I'm about to change his life significantly and for the worse.

OP posts:

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 11/02/2019 11:19

Fair enough. Is it worth an honest ultimatum chat or has that ship sailed?

Having a young baby is stressful, DH and I ended up in counselling when DD was a baby because we just stopped connecting. He was a fantastic hands-on dad and we did still love each other though which made it worth saving.

How do you think he will react to you breaking up with him? If he's likely to get angry then I'd just phone and then take someone with you when you return home. If its just likely to be emotional then I'd wait until home and send non-committal responses, or leave phone in the bedroom so you can genuinely ignore him for a bit.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 11/02/2019 11:20

Also, are you moving out or expecting him to go?

Deeby · 11/02/2019 11:21

I think he will get angry, and emotional. I'm scared I will be convinced in to staying..,

OP posts:

ImNotKitten · 11/02/2019 11:21

When are you next planning to see him in person. I wouldn’t be able to go along with the texts either. You could call him if meeting up in person isn’t an option.

Nanny0gg · 11/02/2019 11:21

Will it be a bolt out of the blue? Have you tried to fix it? Has he refused to try? Does he even realise there's a problem?

Deeby · 11/02/2019 11:21

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup I'll be moving out as he has a child from a previous relationship and her bedroom is there

OP posts:

Deeby · 11/02/2019 11:23

@Nanny0gg I've talked to him a number of times about the way he speaks to me. He doesn't see it. He thinks I'm over sensitive. It's definitely over for me.

OP posts:

Deeby · 11/02/2019 11:26

@ImNotKitten I'll be back on Wednesday so after he finishes work Wednesday night

OP posts:

Wedgiecar58 · 11/02/2019 11:27

Doesn't he wonder why you have fled to your friends? It seems like if you were really breaking up there would have been some steps towards this final decision. Is it really going to be completely out of the blue for him?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 11/02/2019 11:27

In that case, I would stop replying. Take someone with you when you go home and be prepared to pack up and leave all in one go. Have a repetitive phrase "it's not working for me, I'm leaving" or something that you can say to any begging/manipulation to stay.

I might also, as a courtesy, let his DD's mum know once its over in case she witnesses his anger and is upset.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/02/2019 11:35

It can be much harder to leave a good man than a bad one. But if the feeling isn't there that should be, and you feel you owe it to yourself and your child to leave, then that's what you must do. It may make him think twice about taking a woman for granted again.

But try not to be unnecessarily cruel to him.

Best of luck for the future.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/02/2019 11:36

I would add - in the long run it is kinder to him, too - if he is a nice enough bloke, he deserves to be with a woman who has loving feelings for him.

We can't help how we feel. We can help how we behave.

paintinmyhairAgain · 11/02/2019 11:40

if you are committed to leaving, which sounds best for you given the situation, i would def. have a friend present as moral support. he's going to be upset about ds going but as he appears to be a disney dad, he'll have to learn to suck it up and get use to the idea of contact etc.
stay strong on this one.

TowelNumber42 · 11/02/2019 11:47

Well, seeing as you've spoken to him several times about how he treats you then you've already laid the groundwork.

I don't quite follow your logic. You want to put on a happy family show for the christening and mums 60th. You know he will react badly to losing you is housekeeper/nanny Why on earth would you tell him you are leaving on Weds night? Surely that mucks everything up?

Have you got your new housing lined up? How long do you plan to live with him after you've told him it is over? Honestly, if I were you I'd be distant and rather cool but otherwise normal until the day I moved into the new place.

lottiegarbanzo · 11/02/2019 11:47

Send him a 'holding response'. Something as simple as 'see you on Wednesday'. You could add something factual about what you're doing this week e.g. 'all's well here, lovely event yesterday'.

Do take a friend when you go to let him know and move out. It signals your mind's made up and you mean business.

SpanielEars070 · 11/02/2019 11:51

Forget the family events and putting on a show. Can you get your friend to look after your DS and you go back to talk to him?

ambereeree · 11/02/2019 11:52

Do you think he suspects so is sending messages?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 11/02/2019 11:52

Also going to suggest you don't take ds when you tell him..

Antonin · 11/02/2019 11:54

If he isn’t usuallyloving towards you OP it sounds as if his texts are just a lazy way of ensuring his DD’s babysitter will return. He is missing your services. Do not feel sorry for him. In the meantime just fob him off with neutral texts. Maybe remind him of stuff he ought to be doing around the house so he feels it is business as usual.
You are not under any obligation to make it easier for him. He has already caused you grief for you to have come to this difficult decision .
If you left it much longer your DC would start to talk to you like he does, to lose respect for you.
Good luck

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NotTheFordType · 11/02/2019 11:59

OP do you have a confirmed safe place to go? If so, considering what you said about being scared he'll convince you to stay, I would strongly suggest moving out while he's not there. I realise that is not easy with a young baby but better off with a supportive friend/relative than on your own with a tosspot.

Thehop · 11/02/2019 12:01

Can you pack Wednesday day and be out when he comes home, or have a friend be there to help after you e told him?

dustyfan · 11/02/2019 12:33

I would have someone with me there when telling him.

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