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To treat this as a one off?

(66 Posts)
Shakeyitoff Mon 11-Feb-19 11:06:38

I was out for a good few hours at the weekend and left my 5&7 year olds in the care of my DH. He agreed to attend something on my behalf and take the kids with him. I explained as he’d never been there before that he could leave the kids in the waiting area where he could see them and to take an iPad and packed lunch for them to keep them occupied while he concentrated on doing what he needed to do.

He told me when I got home that he’d left them in the private car park of the farm for an hour on their own with his iPad and checked on them once in that time. He would have been unable to see them.

AIBU to treat it as a one off, having told him to never do it again or am I minimalising and should I raise a concern with social services knowing it will probably be the end of our relationship. The sad thing is I wasn’t that surprised he’d done it. It was only telling a friend about it yesterday and her shock that had me thinking I’m minimalising things.

FooFighter99 Mon 11-Feb-19 11:13:13

Why did you leave him to attend something you should have gone to, knowing he wouldnt have adequate childcare for the kids? Leaving them in the waiting are wouldnt have been ideal either but as it was your idea it wa ok?

Poor DH couldnt win really as you didnt give him much choice. Why couldnt the DC be left with a babysitter or a family member?

And seriously, reporting him to SS, are you for real?

RebootYourEngine Mon 11-Feb-19 11:15:30

I'm sorry but what?! You want to report your dh to social services for this. Overreaction much

Chloemol Mon 11-Feb-19 11:16:36

Sorry I had to read this twice. YOU are considering reporting him to ss? I assume you don’t live together then? You knew he was going to leave the kids in an area without supervision and that was ok? Are you mad. You should have arranged proper childcare if both of you needed to do other things.

SubparOwl Mon 11-Feb-19 11:16:47

It wouldn't occur to me to report, but I would be concerned.

What was the event and how reasonable was it for them to wait inside?

Shakeyitoff Mon 11-Feb-19 11:19:17

I did give him a choice to go or not. There was no pressure at all. Because of what he was doing there was stuff for them to watch, they could see him as well. I’d done it the weekend before as he was away. Yes it’s my stuff but it was an hour and I kept on wandering over and taking breaks to talk to them and they helped and got stuck in with me for a bit too. They were interested when I went with them. It’s a fairly relaxed thing.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse Mon 11-Feb-19 11:20:29

It wouldn’t occur to me to report it to SS if you live together but it doesn’t sound great.

What did he say when you asked why he didn’t just do what you suggested rather than leave two small children unattended for over an hour?

I am assuming he has form for this kind of thing?

SleepingStandingUp Mon 11-Feb-19 11:21:02

I'm assuming you want to leave him but worry you'll have to agree to sleep overs and so this is your hope to get that stopped? Are you hoping SS will tell you you have to leave him or leave the kids and therefore a split won't be your fault.

Because I can't imagine any other reason you would report your DH to SS for something that didn't end in harm and wasn't an intent to cause harm.

Yes I'd have gone mad at him. My child's Dad should not need to be told to not leave them in this situation and I'd be beyond angry.

I also think what you were doing and what he had to go to on your behalf is relevent

Shakeyitoff Mon 11-Feb-19 11:21:53

Yes my original thinking was to do nothing. But my friend said, surely that’s illegal and it then got me thinking maybe I was underreacting. Yes we live together but I don’t want to brush something under the carpet if I should be speaking out.

CatG85 Mon 11-Feb-19 11:22:56

The situation is quite vague but regardless, he made a bad parenting mistake that I'm sure he won't make again but definitely no need to report to SS, that's absurd. I'd be extremely angry and make him aware and know never to let him attend with DC's again but that's it.

SleepingStandingUp Mon 11-Feb-19 11:23:50

Poor DH couldnt win really as you didnt give him much choice
DH could have said
"sorry, no. I'm not leaving the kids unattended so I'll stay poke with them"
"I know it's important I go, so can you / who shall we /I will ask X to have them"
"if they're properly supervised in that reception area then I will do that"

POOR DH has a voice of him own and his own autonomy. He wasn't forced to leave them alone in the car for so long.

SleepingStandingUp Mon 11-Feb-19 11:25:11

So speak putz to him. I wouldn't ignore it, I'd be having a frank discussion about why he didn't refuse to go, sort / insist you sort childcare / leave them where they are at least seen

But again, I think what you were both doing is important.

Calzone Mon 11-Feb-19 11:27:11

Sometimes I despair of Mumsnet.

They were fine. Nothing happened.

🤷🏼‍♀️ Honestly.

Shakeyitoff Mon 11-Feb-19 11:29:00

Didn’t want to out myself but it was dog training. It’s in a big arena and there’s a low level wall with gates dividing the waiting area that they and you can see over. Stuff to watch as there were other people there too. We live away from family and while friends are great, I don’t like to take the piss. It’s not compulsory to attend, so I gave him the choice if he wanted to do it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to spend an hour with you while you’re doing something you enjoy. No. There is no ulterior motive.

SubparOwl Mon 11-Feb-19 11:33:32

Then I have no idea why he left them in the car. What does he say about it?

Nicknacky Mon 11-Feb-19 11:34:52

Were you genuinely thinking of reporting him?! Why?

MrsJane Mon 11-Feb-19 11:38:55

Who was responsible for them while they were in there? Were there staff there or were they alone? Was it open to the general public? Was it busy? Did they know where their dad was? How far away was he?

There are so many mitigating factors, it's impossible to give an educated opinion.

Calling SS is a massive overreaction though!

Shakeyitoff Mon 11-Feb-19 11:41:51

I know nothing happened. It could have done though. I’ve explained why I was thinking I should report him, my friends reaction and then thinking perhaps I was minimalising things. I want to do what’s right. Oh god. I should have rembered what aibu was like! Haven’t been on here for a while. It seems you all agree with my initial gut reaction to give him a ticking off and move on.

Lovemusic33 Mon 11-Feb-19 11:45:06

It wasn’t ideal but I’m guessing they were in a car park on a farm, not a busy car park near main roads? They are fine? Yes he should have done what you said and took them in with him, I would just tell him not to do it again.

Shakeyitoff Mon 11-Feb-19 11:51:21

They were parked in the private cArpark on the farm which is out of the way of passing traffic. The arena is covered but no windows to see in to the car park. From the entrance it’s probably 100m to where the car was. There would have been other people coming and going with their dogs but probably 12 other cars there max. They went with me the previous weekend, so they would have remembered where it was. Everyone drives slowly in and out. They weren’t bothered at all. They found sweets in the car! Likelihood of anything happening was low. No idea why he chose to do it. They behaved well when I took them the week before. There are the trainers and other dog owners there but obviously they are not responsible for looking after them. My dog needs regular breaks from the arena otherwise he loses concentration, so I told him as he was going to take regular breaks and go and join them.

LadyKalila Mon 11-Feb-19 11:51:21

Children should never be left alone at that age, anywhere. The car could have caught fire, been stolen......what a risk to take.
He's obviously not to be trusted with their care.

Tinkobell Mon 11-Feb-19 12:03:06

Just tell him never to do it again, easy.

NotTheFordType Mon 11-Feb-19 12:05:21

Jesus H Christ on a motorcycle sidecar

Confused2009 Mon 11-Feb-19 12:05:57

He shouldnt have done that and I'd be making sure he knew to never ever do that again but I think your reaction to call social services is completley stupid.

saoirse31 Mon 11-Feb-19 12:07:45

Report to social services....seriously? I actually think you're looking for reasons to break up.

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