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to think it's harder to leave someone when they genuinely don't know how mean they are?

(23 Posts)
CarlosCarlos Mon 11-Feb-19 10:44:51

I've left 2 relationships that have lasted over 2 years each. One the guy cheated on me, and the other we just weren't right for each other. The first the breakup was easy and I almost enjoyed watching him cry (he slept with my friend) and the second was fine because as much as he wanted to work things out, I had just fallen out of love and didn't want to be with him anymore.

This time round, my current partner is mean. He has a short fuse and swears a lot. He gets angry at little things and I tread on eggshells around him.

I have started a few threads about this. People think it's abuse. I'm not entirely convinced but I think I may just be conditioned to think that he has no idea how poor his behaviour is and he genuinely thinks I'm just being sensitive. It's been cathartic to say the least to finally admit all of this. Sorry for the large number of threads however if it helps me leave this relationship and relieve my guilt over it then I will keep posting!

I have a 3.5 month old DS.

Why is it so hard to leave someone who you know you don't love, who you know doesn't love you and takes you for granted? Maybe because his DS is involved? I want to move away, and feel incredibly guilty for it. He loves his DS. The idea of it is eating me alive.

Why do we do it to ourselves? I feel like my guilt is making me slightly neurotic.

I've been trying to get in touch with women's aid to get my head around the word 'abuse'.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Heronymous Mon 11-Feb-19 10:48:08

I’m sure your DS does make it harder, and on top of that you probably feel like if he would just acknowledge how mean he is he could change and things might get better for you. There are probably lots of unresolved feelings where you want him to wake up and realise the implications of his behaviour. That’s very normal. But you are absolutely doing the right thing, and with a bit of space and time you’ll start to feel how true that is.

CarlosCarlos Mon 11-Feb-19 10:50:21

@Heronymous you really think moving 170 ish miles away is the right thing? I feel like it'll destroy stbx. I feel like the guilt will destroy me. But ALL of my family are here.

Houseonahill Mon 11-Feb-19 10:51:49

Not seen your other threads sorry but your son is the exact reason you do do it, because you don't want your son to grow up thinking shouting and swearing at the person you supposedly love is the correct way to behave, that blaming them for your poor behaviour is acceptable.

Wolfiefan Mon 11-Feb-19 10:52:28

He’s trying to destroy you.
He is abusive.
Can he control his “short fuse” at work or with friends?
Get out unless you want your child to grow up waking on eggshells too and being screamed at.

Nannypinks Mon 11-Feb-19 10:53:26

If he can't or won't control his anger when there is a tiny baby around it's his guilt to carry, not yours.

Louiselouie0890 Mon 11-Feb-19 10:57:48

I'm in a situation just like yours. I look back and wish I would have left. Now I'm stuck in debt with no money and can't leave. He says I'm sensitive, I know I'm not. Batteries run out, it's my fault. Hard day at work, my fault. Someone cut him while driving, my fault. No internet my fault. No doctors appointment, my fault. It happens multiple times a day and I'm so tired of it now my body has this strange reaction where I have an uncontrollable urge to sleep my body wants to collapse. He's never hit me but I find myself sometimes wishing he would as I know I would find someway to leave him or think I would. Don't let yourself get to this point.

CarlosCarlos Mon 11-Feb-19 11:01:19

@Louiselouie0890 I'm at the point where I wish he'd hit me. It would be easier to leave. How awful. I'm so sorry you're in that position thanks

Heronymous Mon 11-Feb-19 11:01:21

Yes, I do think it’s the right thing. He is abusive; that means he’s not a good parent, even if it’s not directed at your son. He will just have to travel to maintain a relationship but that is HIS consequence for HIS behaviour. You shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life away from your support network to avoid inconveniencing an abusive man.

CarlosCarlos Mon 11-Feb-19 11:02:34

If I told him he was abusive towards me he would genuinely laugh as he seriously sees nothing wrong with anything he does.

Houseonahill Mon 11-Feb-19 11:05:12

That doesn't mean he's not abusive that just means he won't change. This is not your fault it's his.

QuintadiMalago Mon 11-Feb-19 11:09:54

I've read your other threads, he is abusive. It really doesn't matter whether he knows he is or not. All that matters is what you do next and the best thing would be to move away. Take your son out of this extremely toxic relationship and get a long way away from him.

Louiselouie0890 Mon 11-Feb-19 11:10:47

Thank you Carlos, if he doesn't see how he is abusive then he will never change. My OH realises then changes for a week or so then back to his usual way. It messes with my head even more. I'm sorry your in this situation too, it's not easy but if I could go back I would have left.

TowelNumber42 Mon 11-Feb-19 11:15:29

That's why he is dangerous to you and your son. He feels entitled to behave as he does. You are doing the right thing in getting your son away from that shit.

If you don't then most likely your son will grow up to be like his dad. His dad will actively teach him to be that way because he believes it to be right. It's deep in his belief system. You can't fix that with some magic words.

Yougotdis Mon 11-Feb-19 11:31:43

abuse is abuse. We only get one swing at life and it’s better to enjoy it.

Leave your abusive partners @Louiselouie0890 and @Carloscarlos if you have to move away so be it. If your stuck in debt go bankrupt.

I went through the refuge system and this time last year I was despondent in a refuge completely suicidal. Now I’m curled up on the sofa with my dog who they helped me rescue from my abuser and I’m happy. I don’t have carpets, my sofa was a freebie and I’ve never been poorer in my life. But I’m so happy and free.

Don’t leave it as long as I did. Please leave them

vampirethriller Mon 11-Feb-19 11:53:23

Is he the same with his family, friends and colleagues? If not then he knows exactly what he's doing to you. Because he can control his anger, he just doesn't think he has to with you. He would laugh if you told him he was abusive because he wants you to think you're in the wrong.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Mon 11-Feb-19 15:53:08

He knows exactly what he's doing sad

silverliningangel Tue 12-Feb-19 01:55:48

How are you OP?

CarlosCarlos Wed 13-Feb-19 08:29:08

@silverliningangel not good. I need to leave today. I feel sick with guilt.

ShartGoblin Wed 13-Feb-19 09:02:50

I'm sorry you're going through this and I don't have much advice to help. All I can say is that I'm a child of a single parent and I have always been grateful to my parents that they didn't stay together. They (eventually) became friends and always put me first growing up. They were happy and I was loved and I'll always respect them for making that choice. I have many friends who's parents made the opposite choice and they don't have the relationship with their parents that I do because they see the family home as a stressful place to be.

Wolfiefan Wed 13-Feb-19 09:05:56

You’re not the one who should feel guilty OP.

AnoukSpirit Wed 13-Feb-19 10:09:55

If I told him he was abusive towards me he would genuinely laugh as he seriously sees nothing wrong with anything he does.

I'm sure he would. Abuse is hugely psychological and requires him to convince you that you deserve what's happening, that you are overreacting, that you make him do it, that he is not doing anything wrong.

None of those would be possible if he admitted it, would they?

I once asked my abuser in desperation mid-explosion why he was doing that to me, and he laughed in my face and told me how much worse he could be if that was what I wanted.

They do genuinely know how awful they are, but that doesn't mean they will accept it. In addition to the reasons above: it's a crime, people rarely admit to crimes; and secondly all humans have a need to believe we are good people, none us copes well with the idea that we are not (look how ill people become who believe that they are bad - depression etc) and admitting to being abusive would disrupt his ability to maintain his internal sense of being good.

The guilt will not destroy you.

The day I left it was so overwhelming I felt physically ill and dizzy. I almost didn't leave because of it, but as soon as I was away it began lifting.

The only person who should feel guilty is him. The abuse has transferred his guilt onto your shoulders. Give it back to him mentally and do what is right for you.

Your relationship history suggests you may not have the best sense of what a healthy relationship looks like in the first place. (I'm not judging, I was the same). Regardless of whether you manage to leave or not, the Freedom Programme will help you understand the difference between a healthy relationship and an abusive one. As well as the impact it's had on you and why you're tying yourself in knots. It will give you the tools to have healthy relationships in the future.

It's free to attend, they don't keep attendance registers, nobody will know you've gone, lots of them have creche facilities, it's confidential. My group also always had cake or biscuits in the break each week. (It was a 2 hour session, once a week for twelve weeks.)

It's not therapy, it's information. They're small groups of women, you don't have to talk and share your experiences, you can just listen. They won't judge you, and they won't tell you what to do - they want to give you information, help you to make sense of it, and then give you the power to make your own decisions.

They have a phone line and an email address if you want to talk to somebody there.

It's understandable to feel conflicted, but be aware that will only lift once you're removed from the situation. It's incredibly difficult to get any clarity or stability when you are still being abused. It would be like expecting a burn to start healing while you were still holding your hand in a flame.

AnoukSpirit Wed 13-Feb-19 10:17:04

The thing that helped me the day I left when I was standing there consumed by so much guilt I didn't think I could get my feet to move, was to picture my life if I listened to the guilt and stayed.

I pictured myself still living like that in five years, and the absolute despair that overwhelmed me was so much worse than the guilt that I realised I had to leave and was able to get myself out of that house.

Sometimes you have to pick the "least awful" path when it feels like all your options are rubbish. The guilt felt bad in that moment, but staying was infinitely worse and would have had no end. The guilt faded and was replaced by hope.

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