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To expect my oh to come home early when I’ve had an emotional trauma?

(366 Posts)
FrankiesMum78 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:45:56

Sorry, strange title but I didn’t know how to abbreviate this.

Basically my partner had just gone out with his mates when I found out something really upsetting, don’t need to go into details but I was devastated (it wasn’t anything to do with him). It was the first time he’d gone out with the boys for a while so I didn’t want to drag him back home straight away, and I thought I could keep it together for a bit.

I hung on for about an hour before texting and asking him to please not be late and not to have too many beers, that something very upsetting had happened, that I needed moral support and a shoulder to cry on. He replied he wouldn’t be home late.

Three hours later he rolled in drunk, in the meantime I’d cried my eyes raw. It wasn’t terribly late at night but they had gone out really early.

Now, on top of being so upset about the original thing, I’m mad as hell that he abandoned me when I needed him, but he said it’s my fault for not letting him know how upset I really was. For me to send an SOS text like that is totally out of character and should’ve set alarmbells ringing, especially as I also texted to say I would come and get him but was too upset to be giving all his friends lifts home too.

I feel really let down, but also angry that (as usual) he’s managing to turn my anger at his behaviour round so that somehow he’s the wounded party.

It’s a blow as after quite a few ups and downs I felt that things were working out.

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

Fazackerley Sun 10-Feb-19 22:48:05

Can't say without knowing what it was. Impossible to judge how traumatic it was, much like your dp I should imagine.

RJnomore1 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:48:58

It's very hard to say without knowing the magnitude of the trauma. Was it on the scale of someone eating your chocolate orange or of the death of a close relative?

ShaggyRug Sun 10-Feb-19 22:49:07

Agree with PP. Can’t say if you’re being unreasonable without knowing the event. Again just like your DP, we can’t react without actually knowing.

SleepingStandingUp Sun 10-Feb-19 22:50:38

Well in your side I'd say he should have called and ascertained what was up, and how you were. It was a drink with mates, nothing sso important that it couldn't be rearranged

ATBhinchers Sun 10-Feb-19 22:50:51

It really depends on what it is. Someone has died - totally YANBU. Someone you barely know is ill -YABU.

Fabaunt Sun 10-Feb-19 22:50:54

Impossible to judge without the whole story

Houseonahill Sun 10-Feb-19 22:51:07

6 of one and half a dozen of the other

If you text him saying don't be late something upsetting has happened and didn't specify what you can't expect him to translate that to come home now I need you, equally though if you text him that it wouldn't kill him to reply and ask what happened and check you were ok.

PurpleFlower1983 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:52:07

Depends what your bad news was.

Gazelda Sun 10-Feb-19 22:52:13

I can understand why you're angry. I can also understand why he perhaps didn't realise how upset you were - it would have been far more helpful to tell him what had happened.

SleepingStandingUp Sun 10-Feb-19 22:52:27

But yes also if you needed him now, then don't be late is a bit too vague, especially given you said he didn't actually get home late cos they'd gone out early

thaegumathteth Sun 10-Feb-19 22:52:47

What happened ? Otherwise we can’t judge. Also do you have form for being overly emotional ?

HelloDarlin Sun 10-Feb-19 22:53:32

Most fellas are not too good at hearing alarm bells... instead of hinting, best to just ask him straight out to come home, now.

Singlenotsingle Sun 10-Feb-19 22:53:36

I suppose he just thought you were annoyed about him going out, and being unreasonable trying to drag him home? Men don't seem to have any emotional sophistication OP. You probably should have spelled it out to him "come home now! I need you. ******* has happened!"

Jamhandprints Sun 10-Feb-19 22:54:23

Sorry he didn't support you. :-( But yes, it does depend a bit how bad the situation was and how often you do this. Is he being supportive now?

ReaganSomerset Sun 10-Feb-19 22:54:27

Lots of people do struggle with the whole subtle hint thing. If you wanted him to come home you ought to have said so. Unless it was the death of a very close friend or relative, in which case he should have offered to come home immediately, I'd say you might be being a tad unreasonable here. Difficult to say for definite without knowing the full story.

Lucked Sun 10-Feb-19 22:54:42

Agree depends what it was.

Kittykat93 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:54:41

You don't have to give details but for us to advise on the situation you need to give us an idea on what you were upset about? Otherwise it's impossible to tell who's being unreasonable.

ltk Sun 10-Feb-19 22:54:59

You did not communicate your level of distress clearly, and he didn't read your mind. If you had told him straight up what had happened, perhaps he would have come home sooner and more sober.

It sounds like there's backstory too?

SassitudeandSparkle Sun 10-Feb-19 22:55:11

All opinions and points of view welcome. Thanks.

Well that sounds like an article fact-finding mission!

But on the limited information given, YABU. But I am not a fan of people who set 'tests' for their partners to fail if they don't respond in the required way. To say you'll give him a lift home but are too upset to take his friends doesn't make it sound serious but simply a way of separating him from them. May not be the case but will certainly look that way if this happened on his first night out with them for ages.

youbethemummylion Sun 10-Feb-19 22:55:24

If he already had a few drinks processing such a vague message probably wasnt easy. Did you tell him the upsetting thing? If I had gone on a rare night out and an hour later get a vague msg saying dont be late, dont get drunk and I will pick you up but not your friends I would be thinking it was a jealous partner trying to be controlling.

tfifridayatlast Sun 10-Feb-19 22:56:20

Depends what your news was

tfifridayatlast Sun 10-Feb-19 22:57:28

Goldfish died - YABU
Parent or sibling in danger or seriously ill / yanbu

steff13 Sun 10-Feb-19 22:58:26

I'm going to go out on a limb and say you are being unreasonable. He's right, if you needed him, you should have said so. It's not a "man" issue, it's a communication issue.

Did you not actually tell him what happened?

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 10-Feb-19 22:59:35

You were too vague in your message and if you’re in the UK he didn’t get in that late.

Either it was a proper crisis and you should have phoned him, or it wasn’t and you could coped by yourself for a couple of hours.

How often are you “angry at his behaviour” and feel he turns it round on you?

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