31 weeks pregnant and drunken DP again

[NC2737381]

Posted here for traffic as I’m so annoyed..

Me and my DP have been together for 8 years and have DC1 on the way, I’m currently 31 weeks pregnant. I’m 27 and he’s 31. We both have good jobs, a mortgage etc but aren’t married yet (joint decision)

We were TTC to conceive for around a year before I fell pregnant. We were both over the moon. Since I’ve found out I’ve ovbs given up smoking, drinking and limit my caffeine intake etc. Before this we both used to enjoy going out with friends and drinking on weekends as our friendship circles merged years ago, I still attend some of these events but drive and tend to leave after an hour or so. I’ve suffered with HG throughout this pregnancy so already feel vulnerable as I’ve not been able to be as independent as I was and it’s effected work, my social life etc because I’ve been so poorly.

Since I’ve found out my DP has been out drinking every weekend particularly this month and over Christmas. He’s only once managed to come home at a sensible time and that is due to a taxi being booked at 12pm with his friends otherwise it would have cost him a fortune to come home as it was out of the area. Once. I’m awake now waiting for him to stagger in and literally so annoyed laid here. I’ve text and rang him and he’s drunkenly asked me to pick him up which quite frankly I’ve told him to fuck off. Now I’m not a control freak and encourage him to go out and meet up with friends etc however, AIBU for wanting him to come home at a sensible time? I.e when the pubs close? He’s at our friends house where everyone tends to go after a night out, I feel like I’ve massively matured as I can’t ever imagine myself falling into that cycle again and coming home at silly o’clock even if he was looking after DC. I worry he won’t have a problem as he’s still doing it now, it’s 5am fgs I dropped him off at 8pm.

I feel like he’s taking the complete piss out of me. I’ve told him so many times and it’s always the same response “I’ll stop drinking at the end of Feb” “I’ll stop smoking before Christmas/my birthday/Feb” it’s never I’m sorry for being an arsehole or at least telling you I’m staying out longer. Tonight he told he was having a few drinks and will be home at a reasonable time. I’m shocked he’s behaving like this as he’s been wanting children for years and it was me holding back until I had an established career and something I could go back to easily once my mat leave finished. Thankfully I have.!

I’m thinking of telling him bluntly that this is the end to this stupid teenage behaviour he’s pulling. I’m still happy for him to go out with friends but must be home by 1am at the latest? I feel like I’m being controlling but I’m at my wits end. What if something happened! I’m 31 weeks and worried something might happen. AIBU?

Sorry for the rant but I’m a raging, hormonal pregnant lady at the moment ready to explode - which I don’t want to. He’s definitely in the spare bedroom tonight and best thing he’s apparently got work tomorrow at 1pm

[NC2737381]

Couple of errors “stop drinking end of jan/Feb” and work at 1pm this afternoon

[thundernlightening]

Why does he need to be back at 1am?

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

YABU. He doesn't need to stop having fun until the baby actually arrives.

[NC2737381]

I’m prepared for the YABU if there’s an explanation however I think there’s a difference between having fun and taking the piss? It’s not like I’m saying don’t ever have fun again until LO is here, it’s more can you not be more responsible and be aware I’m the in third trimester. He’s 31 years old, not 21.

1pm is an example of when the pub closes which to me I feel is a normal time to come home to your heavily pregnant partner (whilst I’m sure he’s still having fun)

[MyOtherProfile]

YANBU. Yes out every weekend til the early hours while you're at home pregnant sith the child he really wanted. He's disturbing your sleep and thinks you might be his taxi service. Imagine if he carries this on once the baby is here and is totally unable to help with the baby every weekend? Or imagine he is out with his mates, paralytic, when you go into labour? There were two women in beds next to me when I had my first who had their babies by 31 weeks.

There's always a response on mn to situations like this where people say stop trying to control him, nothing wrong with him going out getting plastered every weekend egg but in real life I don't know anyone who would feel like that. As you said you have grown up but he is still in a young free and no dependents stage. Time for a serious talk when he is awake and sober. He needs to take responsibility.

On a practical note do you have someone on standby for labour if he is out of action?

[Mamimawr]

And how would OP get to hospital when she goes into labour? Having fun doesn't have to last until 5am.

[blackcat86]

It's weird and a bit controlling to set a specific time for him. He's an adult. However, that doesn't mean you can't tell him that some of his free time could presumably be spent with you, that he shouldn't be asking you to get up to give him a lift and that he needs to let you know he's ok and roughly when he'll be home so you don't worry if you wake and he's not back. I'm guessing he's also useless the day after with a hangover?

[spreadingchestnuttree]

I completely agree with you op. As a one-off, fine, but not every weekend.

[thundernlightening]

I'm also heavily pregnant but don't mind my partner being out, I don't thoroughly enjoy it that his out but I don't mind as baby not here n men need a break from us women just as much as us women need a break from them. Sometimes baby's don't make men grow up until they are actually born reality hits for a lot a of men. I say this to a lot of pregnant women we are carrying a child we are not dying, you should concentrate on yourself to sleep and resting cuz this shit ain't easy it's unnecessary stress

[barefaced]

YANBU. You shouldn't have to put up with this shit

[NC2737381]

Thank you everyone.

I agree on the specific timescale maybe I won’t word it like that, I mean more so he should be thinking about a reasonable time to come home not 5am (he’s still not home now probably sulking because I’ve not picked him up, which I usually do to be fair!)

That’s my exact fear going into labour and he’s out drinking, he’s terrible at answering his phone when he’s in pubs etc as well. I was going to say I’ve spoke to my girlfriends about this in real life and they are of the same opinion, it makes me feel like an idiot when they say “well I wouldn’t allow that my DP came home early and was in touch” or “I made him stop drinking too” (I don’t get that one personally)

I do have my mum on standby, I’ve thought of that but thank you.

Yes I don’t mind as a one off at all, I appreciate he’s stressed with work and we are having work done on the house etc but not every weekend. There does come a point where it feels like I’m being a mug

[Ethel80]

I think once you get closer to your due date it will be more than reasonable to ask him to not go drinking as you want him sober and able to support you and also to drive you to the hospital.

Giving him a curfew now isn't really on tbh. You don't need to be waiting up for him to come home and annoying as it is that you've had to give up booze etc, he doesn't have to. Fuck him calling for a lift though, that's selfish and shitty.

If it pisses you off when he crashes in at all hours maybe suggest he stays at his mate's house and comes home in the morning.

I'm not sure why you've referenced his age as a sign that he should have grown out of it, I'm several years older and still enjoy an all nighter although not weekly now.

As for when the baby is here, you both need to have an honest and sober conversation about what the expectations are.

[thundernlightening]

@NC2737381 as your scared then u should talk to him n tell him straight how it is, I kno as I've had a some sort of a conversation about having to make that emergency phone call to my partner and I sed if I go in labour and can't get hold of u it's ur own fault n will have to deal with it, if he can't understand or don't try and listen then just concentrate on yourself and the baby as u don't need to babysit him either, but at the last couple weeks he should be reigning it in tho, could you have anyone else as birth partner? That's only to say in an emergency if he wasn't there at least u have someone else to support u

[NC2737381]

@thundernlightening

Thanks - I get your point and guess that’s your feeling on it. I just think there’s a cut off point in which he needs to realise it’s taking the piss, I’ve never once stopped him going out and I don’t intend to as I fully understand he needs a break and see his friends. So get your point there too.

I’m just annoyed that he’s 31 and is behaving so childish and did have responsibilities today like going into work!


He is a complete write off as well the next day, he’ll sleep till around 12pm and then whinge all day that his head hurts (it’s been 2 day hangovers lately)

[Shoxfordian]

He doesn't seem to understand life changes when you have a baby. It sounds like you used to like going out drinking too so he hasn't changed but you have. I don't think you can give an adult man a curfew but you could talk to him about staying home more with you.

[NC2737381]

@Ethel80

I’ve referenced his age as he was supposed to be at work this afternoon and although I agree on the all nighters, I do think at 31 it shouldn’t be a weekly occurrence. It’s not asif it’s been a special occasion every weekend, which if it has I’ve not complained about this.

I haven’t waited up for him either, I went to bed at 11am and woke up at 4.30am and he wasn’t in bed. I didn’t have a text or anything saying he was intending to go out for longer (again it’s not in a controlling way it’s just so I’m aware he’s out and safe)

[ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser]

I imagine to your dp it feels like the baby arriving is still ages away.
I understand how irritating it is having a drunk partner out there and not know where they are or when they will be home. It sounds like you know where your dp is though, so you at least know he isn’t in someone else’s bed! Or in a police cell! Or in hospital! All of which are possible whereabouts, to an anxious and especially anxious brain.

I would not be coming down like a ton of bricks on your dp tonight. You have said yourself that this is what you both did pre pregnancy. Now because you are pregnant and ill with hg you understandably no longer want to be doing this (for a start being the sober designated driver is no fun!). But your dp isn’t pregnant or ill, he still wants to go out with your friends- let him! Life is about to be turned upside down for both of you- but realistically you could be facing 11 more weeks of pregnancy! I don’t think it’s fair to make your dp stop seeing friends and going out for all of those 11 weeks.

My dh and I had a deal- 37 weeks and up he would stop drinking- just in case I went into labour. He could still go out, but he would take the car and be contactable on his mobile.

I understand the awful anxiety, I have always been anxious and add on pregnancy hormones to that and my anxiety grew arms and legs! Have a talk with your dp and tell him how anxious you are, tell him what your worries are! He may come up with ideas to help you reduce your anxiety. I don’t think it’s unreasonable as a compromise for you to ask that he come home after a night out- not back to a mates party.

Has your consultant suggested that you may go/ are at risk of going into premature labour? If they have then ignore everything I said above and tell your dp that if you go into labour whilst he is pissed at his mates, then it’s his own bloody fault if he misses the birth of his/your child! I would tell him that you have prepped your Mum/ Sister/ Best friend to take over as birth partner just in case! If he is really as excited about becoming a Father then this might just be what he needs as a wake up call!

[NC2737381]

Thanks everyone on the curfew I didn’t particularly mean it as a set time more of a reasonable time but tbh I think it’s too generic and similar.

Once he’s home and sober I will have a blunt conversation around this x

[user1471426142]

I think every weekend is a bit excessive anyway to be honest even if you weren’t pregnant. You’ve gone through such a big change and it would nice for you to have some quiet weekends with him rather than you being sat in on your own while he’s living it up (and presumably spending a lot of money you might need later for the baby). You will be getting to a point soon when he needs to suck up being an adult and stay sober in case you go into labour.

In other ways is he a bit selfish? Do you know how you’ll be splitting money once the baby is here? What are your plans once mat leave is over?

[ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser]

That should say ‘and especially anxious pregnant brain’

[PartridgeJoan]

OP I know exactly how you feel and am in a very similar situation myself.

I've always said I'm happy for him to continue with his social life so long as he's back when he says he'll be back (or I get paranoid that something's happened to him) and that I can get hold of him in case labour starts (37 weeks now) yet these rules are almost impossible for him to follow!

I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to let you know you're not alone x

[ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser]

I skim read and missed that he is doing this every weekend- that is shite tbh! So you only get Saturday during the day with him- then he gets pissed and is hungover all of Sunday? That isn’t fair at all- maybe every other week or once a month I could understand but that is eating into time you should be spending together before baby arrives! You definitely need to have words with him! For a start he must be spending a fortune! Does he intend to do this after baby arrives?

[Starfish28]

God mumsnet is so depressing sometimes. Why can’t she give him at set time to be home? He is clearly not making good judgments on his own. This is such shitty behavior on his part and needs addressing ASAP. It’s your first baby you could go into labor at any point. What if he misses it. Of course he shouldn’t be going out on benders until 5am and expecting to you to pick him up. You need to rest and relax but be up all night worrying about where he is. Does he have a drinking problem? Has he voiced concerns about the baby coming? This needs addressing urgently - what if this behavior carries on when you have the baby?

[Sunshinegirl82]

YANBU OP, I would be furious.

Christmas party/birthday night out once in a while fair enough but every weekend is a piss take. Not only because he's also being inconsiderate and waking you up but because I assume this means you're sat at home alone a fair bit?

I get that because men don't have a physical reason to stop drinking until the baby arrives they don't need to stop completely but writing off every weekend because you're pissed, out all night and then hungover is pretty extreme and quite selfish.

I think you need a chat with him about why he's stepped up the going out and what your expectations are for later on/when the baby is born. I asked DH not to be over the drink drive limit after about 36 weeks because I wanted to know he would be able to get me to hospital if needs be!

[Littleraindrop15]

I think you want him to be around more but at the same time he is an adult and doesn't actually need to be sensible until nearer to the end of pregnancy in two months time.. You said that you have changed your social lifestyle but that doesn't mean your partner has to change his as well.

If you reversed the situation and what you both did together he no longer wants or can do how would you feel? Do you think you would grow resentment if your partner digged at you for coming home, which wasn't the case before?

I would relax and focus on your self and enjoy your time in these final two months and I think it will all fall into place once the baby arrives. For now don't focus on what he doing the most important thing is labour and arrival of baby. Good luck op x