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To be revolted by husband swearing at 9 week old baby

(129 Posts)
Fate32 Mon 04-Feb-19 23:45:19

I heard my husband swearing at our nine week old baby because she had a bit of reflux, AIBU to be revolted by this?

LovingLola Mon 04-Feb-19 23:46:05

Why do you even have to ask???

eurgh Mon 04-Feb-19 23:48:38

Well it depends on what he said....??

IncrediblySadToo Mon 04-Feb-19 23:49:31

Depends on the context really and whether he was swearing about the situation or swearing AT her.

Rtmhwales Mon 04-Feb-19 23:50:34

I dunno, I told DS he was being absolutely f'ing ridiculous once. I was at the end of my tether about the situation and tired, just venting really. I didn't mean it though.

rededucator Mon 04-Feb-19 23:52:44

Did he say 'oh for fuck sake' when getting covered in vomit or did he call your DC a little cunt? There's a bit of a difference

coppercolouredtop Mon 04-Feb-19 23:54:37

Agree with red

What's the context?

Ribbonsonabox Mon 04-Feb-19 23:55:05

Depends on context.. I shouted 'why wont you just shut the fuck up' once at my son when he was 2 weeks old because he had been crying pretty much solidly day and night.... I'm ashamed of it but obviously he didnt understand and wont remember... babies can be very intense especially your first.

So I'd say it depends... does he regret it? was he just very stressed, was it an accident and not a genuine expression of anger towards the baby?
He needs to take ownership of it and try to implement calming strategies if hes getting this stressed.

If hes trying to pass it off as nothing then I would be angry and worried.

FSPea Mon 04-Feb-19 23:55:15

Don't be ridiculous. A baby that age can't understand swearing. I'm sure I said "shut the fuck up!" to mine more than once in the middle of the night, exhausted and at my wit's end.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty Mon 04-Feb-19 23:55:34

Ex was rough with our newborn, and called her the c word. Used to call his son and me and other people (behind their backs) the c word.

Its not right, Its not OK.

MrsTerryPratcett Mon 04-Feb-19 23:55:45

I agree that context is everything. Harsh tone and shouting at a baby are far worse than swearing about something.

Loftyswops988 Mon 04-Feb-19 23:59:30

all about the context!

SushiMonster Tue 05-Feb-19 00:00:38

Depends

In a nice baby voice “oh you little fucker, you’ve just pulled all over me” whilst caring gently for the baby. Ok.

Shouting or using a harsh tone of voice and handling abruptly - not ok.

Howhot Tue 05-Feb-19 00:02:07

Context op ...

TakemedowntoPotatoCity Tue 05-Feb-19 00:02:26

What did he say?

1) oh for fuck's sake - not great, but forgivable

2) stupid fucking whiney little bitch - LTB.

Fate32 Tue 05-Feb-19 00:15:40

He said to her "oh for f* sake (then her name)" he had only been looking after her for a few minutes and we get plenty of sleep so no exhausted sleep deprived parents here.

Ribbonsonabox Tue 05-Feb-19 00:16:41

What has he said about it? Is he mortified or is he acting like it's fine?

Justaboy Tue 05-Feb-19 00:17:45

I wonder if its a type of stress?. Most all men have it seems these days very little knowledge of what its like to have a baby around espically newborn's course its quite exciting and all that but as can be seen with mums who are at their end of thier sleepless tether I very much suspect that too rubs off on the father.

We've just had a new born in the family and some friends of mine have been around when young un's been here they seem to think and react like shes some sort of alien being! well thats their reaction:!

And i let fly a few choice words when her majesty honked all her milk bottle feed over a nice clean shirt the only one i had around and was just about to go out in .

Nothing that serious mind!.

AGHHHH Tue 05-Feb-19 00:18:02

That's not great obviously but I wouldn't say it's "swearing at a baby". It's more venting.

worriedwinfred Tue 05-Feb-19 00:19:56

Reflux babies can be hard. It can be a struggle. New dad's srruggle too but people aren't as quick to check on them as they are the mum.
While it's not great what he said is be inclined to cut him some slack but make sure he knows it's totally not acceptable!

PerspicaciaTick Tue 05-Feb-19 00:20:50

At the moment your DD won't know or care about swearing, so long as he spoke in a calm way and continued meeting her needs. A FFS wouldn't concern my unduly at this stage.
But he has to know that it is not a good habit to get into - because one day it will come back and bite him on the arse.

Member869894 Tue 05-Feb-19 00:46:31

I think you are massively overreacting

Loopylou6 Tue 05-Feb-19 00:46:42

YabVu

Redglitter Tue 05-Feb-19 00:53:32

Massive over reaction. He didnt swear at her as such it sounds more like exasperation. Revolted seems a bit much

PyongyangKipperbang Tue 05-Feb-19 00:55:51

He swore and she was there, very different to swearing at her.

If you manage to make it to the end of her first year without doing the same you will be unique in the world of parenting.

halfwitpicker Tue 05-Feb-19 00:58:03

He's probably knackered and had enough.

StoppinBy Tue 05-Feb-19 00:59:49

In the instance you describe I think most parents would be guilty and it's no big deal.

Our second was a shitty sleeper and I probably said more times than I can remember 'oh, for fucks sake stop waking up, I can't get up any more, I am too tired, fuckity fuck fuck fuck' as I dragged my exhausted arse out of bed then gently picked him up, fed him and gently kissed his sweet little head as I tucked him back in to bed..... just to do it all over again in an hour or so.

If that 's disgusting then guilty as charged but it's not something that feel too bad about to be honest.

ComeMonday Tue 05-Feb-19 01:04:01

I used to use swear words in my kids’ presence all the time until they were at least six months old. Five and eight years later I don’t see any permanent damage. You need to grow a bit of and thicker skin and remember the baby is your DH’s too.

Topseyt Tue 05-Feb-19 01:11:07

I was certainly guilty of more than the odd expletive when being puked on for the umpteenth time that day. It was just venting. It wasn't swearing at my baby.

None of my children seem to have been scarred for life by it.

Obviously we weren't there to judge the situation, but from what you have written here it sounds as though you may be overreacting.

Bouncingbelle Tue 05-Feb-19 01:46:45

I used to sing lullabies to mine about how i was going to throw them out the window if they didnt stop screaming etc in a gentle voice to the tune of rock a bye baby. It kept me sane but anyone listening would ptobably have been horrified.

MrsTerryPratcett Tue 05-Feb-19 02:28:17

'oh, for fucks sake stop waking up, I can't get up any more, I am too tired, fuckity fuck fuck fuck' as I dragged my exhausted arse out of bed then gently picked him up, fed him and gently kissed his sweet little head as I tucked him back in to bed..... just to do it all over again in an hour or so.

Are you me? That is exactly the script.

There's even a book Go The Fuck To Sleep that DH and I had.

HenweeArcher Tue 05-Feb-19 02:30:15

I must say ‘oh do fuck’s sake DC’ to my 5 month old most days. It’s not said with malice or aggression, I’m just expressing my frustration at extreme sleep deprivation or having to do a whole outfit change (him or me) because of all the vomit.

This makes him sound like a terrible baby, he isn’t. He is the smiliest, happiest little boy and I love him like crazy.

HenweeArcher Tue 05-Feb-19 02:31:28

See also the song: ‘Oh (DC) we found you in the bin, if you don’t stop crying we’ll put you back in’ which is a firm favourite in our house 😂

Redglitter Tue 05-Feb-19 02:34:54

See also the song: ‘Oh (DC) we found you in the bin, if you don’t stop crying we’ll put you back in’ which is a firm favourite in our house

That made me laugh more than it should have 😂😂😂

HenweeArcher Tue 05-Feb-19 02:39:24

Red I think it’s based on an episode of Plebs grin

SD1978 Tue 05-Feb-19 02:40:14

So she picked all over him, and he said, 'for fucks sake charlotte'? Sorry/ but serious over reaction. He swore at the situation, not specifically the baby. If you're disgusted by this at 9 weeks old, I'd say you guys are in trouble. I said the same when I got peed on the first time- it's a father standard (if uncouth) phrase when people do something that suprised you. There's no real malice behind it in the context you've said for the majority of people.

sleepylittlebunnies Tue 05-Feb-19 02:42:10

Watch Samuel L Jackson reading the bedtime story; Go the fuck to sleep on YouTube. It’s hilarious.

zippey Tue 05-Feb-19 02:42:15

Sounds like you need to cut him some slack. Everyone swears at their children at that age. It’s very stressful but hopefully should get better. Be nice to each other.

OwlBeThere Tue 05-Feb-19 02:42:30

I used to sit and say in the sweetest, calmest tone things that would probably make you call SS on me OP. It was my way of venting my frustration at lack of sleep, lack of time where there wasn't someone touching me and my sore boobs, back and arms from hours of feeding etc.
The most memorable was when dd2 shat all over my bed in the 3 mins her nappy was off one night and I called a 'cretinous creature from hell'.
I don't think i scarred any of my children for it.

Coyoacan Tue 05-Feb-19 03:11:53

It depends on the tone he used.

AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer Tue 05-Feb-19 03:15:33

Yabu, sorry. Anyone who hasn't sworn in the context you described is a saint.

PotteringAlong Tue 05-Feb-19 03:33:07

You’re being ridiculous here. I’ve definitely don’t that. It’s 3.30am. Nights like this are made for saying that.

IWouldBeSuperb Tue 05-Feb-19 03:43:18

Like this, Bouncingbelle? grin

g.co/kgs/SR9LHj

Mississippilessly Tue 05-Feb-19 05:25:23

Huge overreaction.
I shouted at DS today and felt utterly hideous because he reacted (he is 5 months). I felt awful. But I regularly sing at him that he needs to go the fuck to sleep. I may have also called him a twat.
I'm not proud of it. But sleep deprivation has awful a d I would rather sing sing sweat him than shout like I did today. I'll never ever do that again. I still feel awful about it

Apple103 Tue 05-Feb-19 06:21:58

Op my ds had colic and reflux straight after. I cant tell you the amount of times I uttered such words as your dh. I wasnt swearing at my precious baby I was just sleep deprived and hugely exhausted. My dh heard me a few times, came and took over and gave me a hug. He understood where I was coming from. What's your dh like in general?

stopfuckingshoutingatme Tue 05-Feb-19 06:26:51

Reflux babies are hell
Nearly killed my SIL
Sorry reflux babies ! But they really are a killer For the parent

Impatienceismyvirtue Tue 05-Feb-19 06:27:38

@HenweeArcher and @IWouldBeSuperb your posts have made my day. The Tim Minchin link had DH and I howling.

Op, you’d definitely be on the phone to SS if you’d heard the things I called my son when he was tiny and wouldn’t -fucking- sleep. He’s 18 months now and seems well-adjusted. He also seems to quite like DH and I so I don’t think we broke him or anything.

Impatienceismyvirtue Tue 05-Feb-19 06:28:06

Oh, and he sleeps too. For the most part confused

TheRedRoom Tue 05-Feb-19 06:31:10

I thought you meant he'd said "fuck you!" or something similar to the baby. I'm sure I've said "for fuck's sake, Name" more than once to my dc, including since they could talk, in the sort of context you mention. blush They don't swear now (aged 8 and 4). I think you may be overreacting.

donajimena Tue 05-Feb-19 06:35:29

'Will you just shut the fucking fuck up for fucks sake? You're fed, you're clean, you have a cosy bed, you have NOTHING to complain about' I remember this well. He was probably about 7 days old. It turned out it was reflux he was complaining about but I learned to cope a lot better. It was complete and utter babyshock in the beginning.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 05-Feb-19 06:35:38

Yabu. I don’t swear. Yet I did swear like that at my babies in sheer exasperation. Sometimes you need to vent. She didn’t understand him. She won’t be repeating it to grandma. He won’t still be swearing when she’s older.

LotsToThinkOf Tue 05-Feb-19 06:36:25

YABVU, and precious. First baby?

Xmasfairy86 Tue 05-Feb-19 06:37:13

I swear at mine (7&10) daily - 99.9% in my head 😂 it’s out of frustration most of the time.

Think you’re over reacting a touch.

anotherwearytraveller Tue 05-Feb-19 06:40:12

Is he otherwise kind and loving towards her and you?
If so then I wouldn’t bat an eyelid tbh and I’ve sworn at mine (when they were too young to comprehend) when they woke me up (again) and I was tired and grouchy.

JasperKarat Tue 05-Feb-19 06:45:08

Text exchange with DH yesterday;
DH - how is my gorgeous little boy today?
Me - he's being a dick, he's tired fighting it and crying constantly unless I do a weird lunge walk with him, he's pee'd on me, pooed on me and just licked my neck while pinching me. What time are you home today?

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 05-Feb-19 06:48:44

grin Jasperfunny how you miss those days when they’re gone . Probably because you don’t remember the nightmare that they are. There’d be no second babies if you did

U2HasTheEdge Tue 05-Feb-19 06:50:41

Total overreaction.

YABU.

TidyDancer Tue 05-Feb-19 06:53:42

Oh gosh yes, you are hugely overreacting. I've said worse to mine at that age. It doesn't mean anything, it's venting.

JenniferJareau Tue 05-Feb-19 06:54:42

YABU. That is not swearing at the baby, that is expressing exasperation.

pinkhorse Tue 05-Feb-19 06:54:49

Wow! Massive overreaction there op!

Ohnonotuagain Tue 05-Feb-19 06:57:08

YABVU. I'm sure I've said the same or similar at least once.

Queenofthestress Tue 05-Feb-19 07:04:16

I've said this on another thread but yesterday, my two year old cried to go in the pushchair, cried to come out the pushchair, cried to go to school in slippers, cried to go in trainers, cried to jump in the puddle, cried because she had wet feet, cried because she wanted picking up, cried because she wanted to go down all in the space of half an hour
hour

Then she was exhausted from all that crying...which lead to more crying...

For fucks sake (dc name) was muttered under my breath and in my head ALOT

IncrediblySadToo Tue 05-Feb-19 07:07:32

🙄

Seriously?

Revolted by it?

PerryPerryThePlatypus Tue 05-Feb-19 07:08:05

I give my kids the finger when they're not looking. Mine are older teens and preteens. Shouting For Fucks Name is a standard phrase in my house.

Guavaf1sh Tue 05-Feb-19 07:08:25

I like that ‘go the fuck to sleep’ book too. It’s nice knowing we all are pretty much the same and the ‘perfect parents’ who never swear in their baby’s presence are few and far between. YABU

twattymctwatterson Tue 05-Feb-19 07:11:27

You need to calm down. He's not swearing at her, he's just swearing at the situation

IncrediblySadToo Tue 05-Feb-19 07:12:05

QueenOfTheStress. Hang in there kiddo! Take lots video of it. It’s a fucking nightmare at the time, but funny & cute when you look back on it. Eventually. After quite some time! Until then, find something to look forward to when she’s down for the night. I found the thought of a very cold glass of wine got me through. Often I was too knocked to bother/fancy it, but the thought of it was nice!

QueenofmyPrinces Tue 05-Feb-19 07:12:16

Good Lord I used the word fuck in my baby’s direction (both babies) when they wouldn’t go to sleep and I was frustrated and exhausted.

My youngest is 17 months and when he’s pissing around at 2am I’m always saying “Will you just go to fucking sleep!!”

Have you ever heard of the book called “Go the fuck to sleep!!” ??

It’s very funny and the reasoning behind the title is because everyone says fuck about/towards their baby at times of frustration.

Wallsbangers Tue 05-Feb-19 07:13:37

Oh "for fucks sake LO" is a common one here, probably worse ones during the endless sleepless nights at 8 months. He's also referred to as a dickhead on days when frankly he's acting like a dickhead and I've told him I'm going to take him the tip and leave him there.

None of this changes the fact that I love him so much that it makes my heart hurt.

TheBigBangRocks Tue 05-Feb-19 07:19:38

I wouldn't have liked it's either. Yes the baby is too young to repeat the language but there are millions of words to use without resorting to bad language. I hate swearing in general though.

rainbowstardrops Tue 05-Feb-19 07:19:50

You need to calm down a bit!

Cheeeeislifenow Tue 05-Feb-19 07:20:52

Are you even a parent if you don't matter "oh for fuck sake" by the time they are three months old?

HedgePlastic Tue 05-Feb-19 07:22:21

I would say that's not an issue.

hazeyjane Tue 05-Feb-19 07:24:23

I too have sworn when my darling tiny baby puked.....in my bra, and then seconds later, I swore at my lovely dh, for laughing.

Birdie6 Tue 05-Feb-19 07:27:03

I'd let it go. He was frustrated - it's not the end of the world. I'd be more upset if he swore at a child who actually knew what he was saying, or if it got personal and he called them a c... or something similar. I'd cut him some slack this time.

Phoebesgift Tue 05-Feb-19 07:27:11

Totally unreasonable. Many parents say things like this in the middle of sleep deprivation. I know I did!

Aridane Tue 05-Feb-19 07:27:24

Yep - over reaction

AllStar14 Tue 05-Feb-19 07:28:39

Chill. That's nothing!

seven201 Tue 05-Feb-19 07:28:49

You're overreacting.

TheClaifeCrier Tue 05-Feb-19 07:31:53

I had a reflux baby.

"Oh for fucks sake" was my motto. It wasn't aimed at the baby, it was just frustration over the situation.

I'm sure I saw a thing on TV once about how swearing was a really effective way of releasing tension.

LunafortJest Tue 05-Feb-19 07:37:12

I expected you to say he called her a f*cking insert whatever. I think you are really overreacting. If all he said was that, then he didn't swear at her, and all parents swear like that sometimes, it's completely normal.

WonderTweek Tue 05-Feb-19 07:43:33

I remember reading about a study where two groups of people put their hands in buckets of icy water. One group were encouraged to swear and the other weren't allowed to swear. The sweary group were able to hold their hands under water longer than the non-sweary group. There are numerous other studies slthat suggesting that swearing may help with endurance/release stress. grin

Needless to say, I swore a lot when my refluxy and colicky baby didn't sleep for almost a year. When he hit about six months I started cutting down on the swearing and ended up just muttering, and now I just swear in my head. halo

WinterWife Tue 05-Feb-19 07:45:47

Get that bubble wrap ready OP. If you're revolted by this then the next 17 years is going to be a bumpy ride confused

Jaxtellerswife Tue 05-Feb-19 07:46:21

New baby
Both knackered
Both human
These first weeks test even the calmest people and that's without reflux.
Congratulations on your baby though! thanks

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Tue 05-Feb-19 07:47:31

When I was sleep deprived I said similar V often! And I would die for my dc.I think you are being a bit U sorry

Sparklingbrook Tue 05-Feb-19 07:49:17

I had a very sicky baby, they needed an OP eventually. But I am sure that there was some swearing when he had thrown up for the umpteenth time, covering him, us and everything around.

It's just frustration and venting. Not aimed at the baby.

Mulberry72 Tue 05-Feb-19 07:49:18

I mean this kindly OP, you’re massively over reacting.

SlackerMum1 Tue 05-Feb-19 07:49:46

I used to chunter ‘shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up’ through clench teeth in a sort of huffing tone... DH once came in at 3am and asked why I was doing Thomas the Tank engine - apparently all he could had in the monitor was some kinds of ‘chuffer chuffer chuff, chuffer chuffer chuff’ he’s was genuinely interested to know if it worked 😂

MrsMcW Tue 05-Feb-19 07:51:06

YABU.

DS had reflux. I swore like a trooper for MONTHS. It did not mean anything more than exasperation as yet another one of my cushions got covered in vomit and that I was totally knackered coping with it.

fermezzlabouche Tue 05-Feb-19 07:51:44

My son is almost one now, and I am consciously trying to never swear in front of him, as if dh.

When he was a tiny baby with reflux and only liked to sleep in the day on one of us why won't you fucking sleep has definitely come out of mouth as has for fucks sake when he pooed in my hand as I got him out the bath, and the time he had a poo explosion on my fresh sheets (fresh because he'd puked all over the last ones) and I had no more clean duvet covers.

Dh used to say .... stop being a knobhead in the middle of the night while cuddling him, feeding him and tenderly kissing his head. It's all about context.

NCjustforthisthread Tue 05-Feb-19 07:56:09

😂 of course you’re being unreasonable. First baby by any chance?? Don’t be so dramatic! Revolted?! Good God.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend Tue 05-Feb-19 07:57:43

Yabu, it’s a reaction to the reflux not the baby.

HappyAndYouKnowItGlugTheWine Tue 05-Feb-19 07:58:30

I think its a bit of an overraction tbh - my DC had reflux and I can honestly say I swore quite a lot during that time! I swore because my clothes got covered in sick a second after putting fresh ones on. I swore because DC's crying just went on and on. I swore because I was frustrated. I swore because I didn't know what to do to help my little DC feel better.

I have equally sworn at my DC when he was a baby too (and now, even when he's a toddler I sometimes can be found swearing in my head or under my breath when its just a bit too much - I'd never swear out loud to him as he's a complete parrot!). Parenting is hard work, we all need to vent sometimes and none of us is perfect.

MrsBertBibby Tue 05-Feb-19 07:59:58

It's probably a good idea to start training yourselves to have different words before they start repeating them.

I remember a disastrous work morning with my then nearly 2 year old who filled his nappy just as I was trying to get out, already late. As I wrestled him to the changing mat, this was out little chat

Oh shit no!

Oh sit!

Oh God no don't say that

Oh Dod!

Aaaaargh!,,

Huhuhuhuh

TadaTralala Tue 05-Feb-19 08:08:49

Sounds like more frustration than swearing at her. Reflux babies are hard work (been there, done that).

ZaphodBeeblerox Tue 05-Feb-19 08:24:04

I think there is a difference between saying “Oh for fucks’ sake” vs “You’re a fucking cunt”.

Huge overreaction I think to the former. Sure, some people never swear, and some people (me!) swear a fair bit. I’m not violent, I don’t ever condone violence, but swearing is a way to let off the building steam and express frustration at something. Perfectly innocent and perfectly fine even around a baby I think.

Whatafustercluck Tue 05-Feb-19 08:29:16

Yep, overreaction. I've been known to mutter similarly under my breath.

Godowneasy Tue 05-Feb-19 08:29:24

I'm going against the consensus here, but actually, this wouldn't be ok with me. OP has said that he'd only been looking after her for a few minutes and doesn't say anything in particular happened in that time to justify him feeling so frustrated or lacking in patience and empathy. She says he wasn't sleep deprived at the time either.
It wouldn't be the swearing per se that worried me, more that he had such a short fuse and lacked empathy and patience for a little baby with reflux.
I'm afraid it would be a red flag for me, and I'd be wondering what he'd be like in a more stressful situation in the middle of the night when he is feeling dog tired etc.

HoppingPavlova Tue 05-Feb-19 08:55:22

It's probably a good idea to start training yourselves to have different words before they start repeating them.

I find you just start saying it in your head a lot moregrin. Then when they are teenagers your vocal chords limber up again.

There are a million other strategies and ones I still use now. My favourite is giving them both fingers and silently screaming ‘fuck you’ behind their back when they are being an absolute arsehole. I have teens/young adults, sometimes they can be absolute arseholes.

HoppingPavlova Tue 05-Feb-19 09:03:22

I don’t think saying ‘for fucks sake’ in regards to the situation with a reflux baby is lacking patience and empathy. I had one really sick with reflux for ages, is still medicated for as a teen actually. When you are doing 30kg of washing a day it’s a perfectly reasonable response. It’s not swearing at the baby, it’s swearing in frustration at the situation and does not mean you lack patience or empathyconfused.

It’s like the universal ‘go the fuck to sleep’ chant. Most parents have done this under their breath thousands of times over the years. Sure there will be some perfect parent who has not, just like I’m sure there is a goose that lays golden eggs somewhere, but pretty much any typical parent has done this. Doesn’t mean you don’t live your kids, just means you’re perfectly human.

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