Talk

Advanced search

DP's SM took dd for her first hair cut.

(620 Posts)
Foxandthehound Sat 02-Feb-19 10:29:10

I'm probably being unreasonable and ott but I don't care.

Dd was born with quite a bit of hair, by 6 weeks old it all fell out. It grew back thick, incredibly curly and a beautiful blonde colour. I was in love with her hair. We (me and DP) weren't planning on cutting her hair for a while. We were going to let it grow out. DP's SM suggested to get a 'trim', to help it grow faster. We didn't follow through on the advice because it was growing quite well already.

DP's SM had her for the day yesterday and dd returned with a beanie hat on. I asked DP's SM where the hat came from and she looked sheepish and said she bought it as a gift. Thinking nothing of it, I thanked her and started chatting about how cold it Is (assuming that's why she bought the hat) (dd does own multiple hats btw).

She left quicker than usual. I started removing DD's outwear. I finally got to pulling her hat off and I was gobsmacked. All her curly hair is GONE! It wasn't a trim, all her hair is complete gone.

I know it's a silly problem and it shouldn't bother me, but she knew I didn't want a trim let alone it all chopped off. I rang her and she answered and immediately started apologising, so she knew what I was ringing about. She said the hairdresser took too much off. I told her i didn't agree to getting her hair cut. so she was way out of order for taking her for even just a trim. I then asked did she at least save a curl for me to have? I've told her before that when she has her first haircut, I wanted to keep a lock of hair. She said she only got one lock, but that was for her to keep, not me. That added fuel to the fire and I told her she's completely out of order and she best avoid me for a while.

Thinking about it I'm probably completely overreacting, I'm just so mad!

Purpleartichoke Sat 25-May-19 00:16:26

My grandmother did this with me. My mother was mad about it for the rest of her life. She had many other reasons to hate my grandmother, but this incident is the one that would really get her angry.

Cutting a child’s hair is completely a parental decision. She violated your trust. I would not let her be with the child unsupervised anymore.

Rainbowknickers Sat 25-May-19 00:11:15

My mother did this to my son-she kept making noises about having his first haircut I kept telling her I’d do it when I was ready

Went round one day and she kept on whinging he needed it doing

I said no then popped outside for about 5 minutes

She scalped him-his fuzzy fine blonde baby hair-gone

I hit the roof-he looked like a thug

She’d binned his hair in the compost heap

She laughed

She’s also a narc

I cut all contact

My child-my rules

Shame she couldn’t see that

AlexaAmbidextra Fri 08-Feb-19 08:41:56

You need to let her know how angry you are and that you are the parent and you make decisions like that and then she needs to give you the damn lock!

RTFT. She’s had the ‘damn lock’ for over a week now.

MumW Thu 07-Feb-19 08:59:11

@Foxandthehound, don't let the fact that SM is the only GP in your DDs life cloud your judgement.

Does your DD need a GP more than having a crazy woman who has no boundaries and undermimes and disrespects her own DM?

I'm not telling you to necessarily go LC or even NC but to try and consider the effect of your DDs relationship with her SGM rationally.

flowers

MumW Thu 07-Feb-19 08:50:16

Also furious because I’m a SM and these types of stunts just make it even harder for other SM and SGMs who are normal people who would never dream of doing this sort of crap!
I've read enough on here to realise that DMs and MILs get up to the same sort of crap.

Every walk of life has it's share of batshit crazies.

MachineBee Thu 07-Feb-19 08:15:29

This is an appalling situation. So angry on your behalf OP.

Also furious because I’m a SM and these types of stunts just make it even harder for other SM and SGMs who are normal people who would never dream of doing this sort of crap!

Coffeeandcake1 Wed 06-Feb-19 17:04:27

You are not overreacting and are totally right to feel mad. I would be so upset if this happened to my LO and who does she think she is to withold the only lock from you too?!
You need to let her know how angry you are and that you are the parent and you make decisions like that and then she needs to give you the damn lock!

blibbka Wed 06-Feb-19 16:50:14

Don't think you are being unreasonable. It's pretty well understood that first haircut is quite a precious milestone for many parents so would expect that to be respected.

Your DP's SM was obviously aware of this judging from her sheepishness. It was disrespectful and selfish of her to take your DD to the hairdresser against your wishes.

The hair will grow back I guess but the real issue is that she didn't respect your boundaries.

I'd be pretty furious in your shoes. Wouldn't want any lasting rift over hair but defo a blot on her copybook.

WhiteStuffAllAround Wed 06-Feb-19 12:20:42

Just reading back - she told YOU to fuck off??

Total disrespect. I agree that she should only be allowed supervised access. How can you be expected be comfortable handing your DD over to someone who shows so little regard for you or your wishes. You dead right, she's STEP GM, therefore no rights at all. GF is s different matter though, but if DD is seeing him, then he's in charge and should not leaver her alone with STEP GM.

Staycalmandscream Wed 06-Feb-19 10:33:18

I'd have been livid & it would have probably affected out entire future relationship.

It smacks of a disrespect & disregard for you as the child's parent. Keep the peace as needed but stick to platitudes and do not trust this woman!

Mummblebee Tue 05-Feb-19 16:22:48

I would be absolutely livid and keeping my child away from her.

If you don't want the confrontation just fob her off for visits... For at least one year minimum until your over this violation of boundaries.

How bloody dare she. Stay in your fu*King Lane you bi**h!

If you let her off the hook easy it sets precedence for future behavior. What next? Ear piercing?

Gtfoh!

Deadpoet Tue 05-Feb-19 11:11:19

YANBU
Hair does not grow faster if it’s trimmed. Regular trims stop the hair breaking and looking bitty and messy. Thus in turn makes it look like it grows faster but it doesn’t.
When my parents fostered children I couldn’t give any of them a hair cut without permission. It is classed as an assault.
She was out of order taking her and, to not even tell you is worse.

SchadenfreudePersonified Tue 05-Feb-19 09:30:34

the only sinister thing about me is that I'm left handed

That's all it takes grin

Apology accepted - Sorry for being snippy at you, too.

DontCallMeCharlotte Mon 04-Feb-19 22:49:29

bethy15 (and SchadenfreudePersonified) I'm glad it wasn't you obviously and I'm sorry if I've misjudged the "mood" here. My niece was delighted with her haircut but it was the only time my lovely sister and I ever fell out (I genuinely thought I was doing her a favour - I know better now blush).

I promise I'm neither spiteful nor manipulative and the only sinister thing about me is that I'm left handed.

Playmysong Mon 04-Feb-19 16:54:56

Sorry I’m a bit late responding but it has taken me ages to RTFT.
As others have said, SMIL was out of order, but so is FIL, saying he doesn’t want to be involved. If that’s his response I would refuse him unsupervised access as well, he is not to be trusted to ensure his wife stays away. Sorry if he thinks this unfair, but he should have had the guts to tell his dw that she was out of order.
Happy to see your DH supporting you, so hopefully he will agree with NC.
As PPs have said, there will be many more firsts for you and DH with DD, without any extended family becoming involved.

Mumthulu Mon 04-Feb-19 16:41:49

I'm only on page 2 of this thread, but honestly op, I would seriously lose my shit if either my Mum or MIL did this to my daughter.(23mo) My Mum has hinted that my daughter needs a fringe trim (and to be fair, she does,) but I will get it cut when I'm good and ready (and when I'm confident DD won't have a meltdown in the chair)

bethy15 Mon 04-Feb-19 16:41:34

If you're my niece, by the time I got to your hair, it was all the way down your back and those weren't curls any more they were just bits of bent straw. It was nearly 40 years ago, you and your mother need to move on!

I'm not even 40 now!

And I didn't have curls down my back, they were to the shoulder.

We've very much moved on, however it was relevant to the topic.

We no longer speak to the aunt though, Not because of this, but because she was a spiteful and manipulative woman which displayed itself in many sinister behaviours.

nellieellie Mon 04-Feb-19 16:25:35

Omg! I could never, ever forgive someone who did this. Glad you got the lock back, but I would have been beyond furious. It’s outrageous behaviour. No, she’s not to be trusted.

GabsAlot Mon 04-Feb-19 16:20:08

you know u dont need to be so worried about her not having contact with gps loads of kids havent got any and she seems maniupltive do u want dd to be around that

as she grows up it will get worse-of course dd likes going round there she doesnt know whats really going on tho

this woman is not a relation hasnt done anything but criticise you none of yo0u need her in your life

SchadenfreudePersonified Mon 04-Feb-19 14:52:35

If you're my niece, by the time I got to your hair, it was all the way down your back and those weren't curls any more they were just bits of bent straw. It was nearly 40 years ago, you and your mother need to move on!

Oh, that's really hilarious, Charlotte

<wishes there was a sarcastic font>

lmusic87 Mon 04-Feb-19 14:13:30

That is so awful, what does your partner think?

Aquilla Mon 04-Feb-19 13:56:27

This is awful - what kind of grandparent doesn't love a curly, blonde haired child?! Most would chew off their right arm for one!

All I can think of is jealousy, OP. Does she have other boring/wispy haired grandchildren on her side of the family maybe? Be very wary of this one.

DontCallMeCharlotte Mon 04-Feb-19 13:52:36

Oh, and when I was little and my Aunt butchered my curls, it didn't curl the same for the longest time.

If you're my niece, by the time I got to your hair, it was all the way down your back and those weren't curls any more they were just bits of bent straw. It was nearly 40 years ago, you and your mother need to move on!

grin

Mix56 Mon 04-Feb-19 13:51:13

What now ? Do you wait until one of them phones for a visit? (More likely to be husband's D, I expect she will be very sheepish having told you to Fuck off" to boot)
If she says she will take DS out, you just say "Actually, No you won't".

Bluebell878275 Mon 04-Feb-19 13:48:45

Foxandthehound

You are absolutely in the right! I misread your OP - I thought you had said SM - I missed DP's SM. Sorry!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »