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Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

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nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 13:30:08

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

definitelygc Wed 13-Nov-19 17:29:12

I'm normally just a lurker on these forums but I had to create an account to reply to this as this happened to me. It breaks my heart to read all of this as I know what hell you must be going through.

Firstly - you are not weak for getting back with him. I went back to my emotionally abusive partner 3 times before I finally left. I was ashamed of myself, especially when I lay awake in bed one night thinking "if he hit me now would I leave?". The only reason I finally left was because I found messages on his phone from 3 other women (including one of our mutual friends) who he was sleeping with. Anyone who thinks leaving a controlling relationship is easy has clearly never been in one. I like think of myself as quite a strong and resilient person but my ex totally broke me.

You know that getting back with him was a mistake so you're already over the first hurdle. Now you need to summon up the courage again to leave. It's going to be really tough when you leave but the quicker you cut off all ties the quicker the day will come when you finally have your life back together. Going back just delays and delays and delays that day.

I think you already know this but the problem is not asperger's. I'd also convinced myself that my partner had some sort of emotional / mental issue but the only issue he has is being a narcissist. All controlling partners are the same - one day they are absolutely wonderful to you and the next they're a monster. It's how they are able to control and manipulate you.

Finally - he's not going to change. You know that. This kind of behaviour runs deep (my ex's dad was also abusive to his mum). You need to get you and your children away from that kind of influence before he does anymore damage.

Sweetchicken Wed 13-Nov-19 14:13:10

Jesus. All the tittle tattle and whining that goes on on here, then something like this.

Im so so sorry for your situation. Im so sorry you've gone back. You've left him once, you can leave him again. You're strong enough to do that. Do it for your children. If you keep it a secret from your family, they won't know to look out for you. Ridiculous as it sounds, do you have a hobby?? Anything to distract you from thinking about him?

I wish you the best of luck. You need to get yourself and your children away.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Wed 13-Nov-19 13:19:10

You need to start planning how to escape... You're NOT weak... Just a DV survivor.... You're further forward.. You've done this before... You CAN do it.

AnneKipanki Wed 13-Nov-19 12:35:03

Did not see start date of 31 January, apologies.

AnneKipanki Wed 13-Nov-19 12:32:49

Re the phone.
Can you go to gym . Leave phone in locker there . Then go to police station .

Tatty101 Wed 13-Nov-19 12:23:04

Think of your children. Do the best you can for them, watching their Mother be abused is not setting them up for a great, well-balanced life.

Please reach out and get the help you need to leave and stay away from him. Re-read this thread - you can only control your own actions here - what do you want from this situation?

namechangeneedhelpnow Wed 13-Nov-19 08:45:34

@ButiLoveHim32 I appreciate your comments and would have said exactly the same to someone before I had been in an abuse relationship. I am trying my best to put them first, but I am vulnerable, I do have mental health problems and I am trying my best. I don't want to make constant excuses, but I have asked for support coming out of the refuge and I have been completely forgotten. I know I need to leave him for good and that's why I am here and asking for support and advice.

It's very hard when someone is constantly messing with your head and being the perfect partner one moment to abusive the next. I grew up in this environment as a child and that's the reason I am trying to leave and stop my children growing up in this too. As for the childrens biological children, he sees them every other week, no more and no less and won't have them whilst I sort my life out, I have even tried. The best my children have is me and that's why I am trying my best to get out of this situation for good.

Hellofromtheotherside2020 Wed 13-Nov-19 07:05:56

This is how they get you! They know you'll be ashamed and embarrassed to tell friends and family you're back in a relationship with them. That makes you even more vulnerable with even less support network.
Please, you are worthy. You are worth more. Your children are worth more. You all deserve better.

IDontLikeZombies Tue 12-Nov-19 20:25:51

Oh no, OP you'd done so well. However, you're not away down where you were before, you are stronger and cleverer than you were last time. If you managed to get out then you can do it again now. Don't give up flowers

flirtygirl Tue 12-Nov-19 18:41:59

I left and went back and the last time even after selling the house I still got back with him. I kept it secret but I did hope that he would change and he knew it was his last chance, this was all mid divorce after decree nisi as well.

But it is a trauma bond and you know this so keep reading and learning more. Loads of great websites to keep you going op.

I would still be with him if he hadn't wanted to have two women at that point and if I had not got 2 daughters. I stayed strong and away from him for them. I went through with the move the next month and it's been hard, so hard and I feel old and alone and used up. But I am free and what keeps me going is my children not having to be in that atmosphere anymore. Even hidden from them, it was sometimes aimed at them and they just dealt with too much too young, that they never should have had to.

Keep going op and make steps to break away for good. If you need to move further then do so, so that he can't find you. It's very hard when they find you and they do know what buttons to press and it will be back to the love bombing and niceness but just remember that is a mask that he wears.

Also, you have said he has already started chipping away at you. You recognise it now. You have lived it. You can leave again. And this time break contact for good. You can do this op.

GettingABitDesperateNow Tue 12-Nov-19 16:36:22


You will get there in the end. A lot of people take a few times of trying to leave someone they know isn't good for them. Its not an easy thing to do but it sounds like you've already come a long way. You can and will cope - he has just made you think you can't

Brig93 Tue 12-Nov-19 16:19:47

@ButiLoveHim32 I do understand where you coming from, but she needs support not just telling her she has to be strong etc. She has really difficult times behind her and encouraging her is the best way to support her. I don't wanna sound rude, please don't take my opinion in the bad way. I just feel that OP is really vulnerable at the moment with all the stress and she knows she made bad choices, and she is hating herself for that. Which can cause more depression and more harm.
OP it's hard to leave an abusive person, you might wanna do freedom program again, if I'm not mistaken you did it already and counceling sounds great.

purpleboy Tue 12-Nov-19 15:20:24

Absolutely spot on @ButiLoveHim32

ButiLoveHim32 Tue 12-Nov-19 14:54:13

Forget about a trauma bond with him, what about the bond with your DC? What about them? So they are both under 7. They have had their parents marriage break up, their dad moving out. You met an abusive man straight away, moved them from their home and their schools to live with this man. You can deny it all you want, but they suffered living with him too. You said he was very strict and bossy with them. They then moved again and lived in a women's refuge and have now moved again. And then you get back with him. Those poor children.
Sometimes enough is just enough. You just absolutely have to put trauma/shit/abuse to one side and say I need to be a mother here. I need to be the good, protective mother that these children deserve. They made no choices in this, they asked for none of it. They have just had to follow you. You need to step up and only focus on them, their best interests and what they need. Not even 7 and they have been through this. You are a single parent and you do not have the luxury to put yourself or a man in front of your children. If you do not feel capable of protecting them, looking after them and giving them a stable and safe home at the min, please let them stay with their dad.

namechangeneedhelpnow Tue 12-Nov-19 14:22:20

He knows he's not welcome to live here, leave stuff here, have a key here, or even leave food here etc. I have at least put boundaries in place this time, which he has accepted and I've only let him stay here twice. I know it can't work and long term I won't be happy. The abuse will start again, it even has to some extent with comments on my weight, being loose and my job. He's slowly chipping away again, but at least I can see the pattern now, I just need to break the trauma bond. I even know I can't possibly love him and that it is a trauma bond, as I don't trust him, I don't even like his personality or how he talks to others. I think I'm just so scared to be alone and he does give me validation, which I crave. It's just a whole lot of unhealthy behaviours and a massive head fuck! I need to find my strength to finally kick him to the curb for good and stop feeling sorry for the dickhead.

Bananalanacake Tue 12-Nov-19 14:00:53

You are being strong in that you are refusing to live with him, make sure he doesn't move in by stealth. Hopefully he goes home when you need your space.

namechangeneedhelpnow Tue 12-Nov-19 13:50:43

I'm trying my best to find that inner strength to leave him again and this time for good. I know I have to and in reality he cannot change and he will never will. Him being kind is another manipulation. I know all the logic behind it, but it's so hard to leave. I really need to build up my self esteem and that's why i'm desperate to start counselling again. I'm hoping I can get someone local that works in DV to support me.

Brig93 Tue 12-Nov-19 12:54:58

It's alright.. people make mistakes and no one is perfect. You did it because you had a weak moment and not because you are selfish. Just cut him off completely when you can again and never look back. Just make yourself hate him for everything he has done to you. It will be easier that way. You did really well and no one is expecting you to be perfect.. you do the best you can.. you did leave once you can do it again ❤️ don't worry there will be a good and happy times again.. life has never been easy..good luck OP

Tink1989 Tue 12-Nov-19 12:37:00

I have just read through your thread and went through the exact same thing you did, i left my ex and went to a refuge with my son, i ended up going back to my ex from the refuge and hid it from my friends and family, my sons father (not the abusive one) found out took my son from the childminder and refused to give him back until i left again. i left and have been living at my mums house ever since (over a year now), you will get there, it is very hard and i am a totally different person today to the crying mess i was when i went back to him from the refuge.

stay strong

Justanothernameonthepage Tue 12-Nov-19 12:05:33

You're not unusual, it takes an average of 7 times to leave an abusive relationship for good.
Try to recover, get stronger, get good birth control he can't interfere with, don't let your kids bond, save as much as you can without letting him know.
Read 'why does he do that'. Be open with people.
Good luck

Hollachica Tue 12-Nov-19 12:00:24

I am speechless ........

nowheretorunorhide Tue 12-Nov-19 11:47:37

All my friends have really lovely lives and I think now the drama of it all has gone, they are busy with there own goings on, which I understand. No one knows I still see him either and I guess i'm ashamed to admit it. I feel so worthless and that no one else will ever want me and I've completely messed up my life. I'm trying my best to protect my children through this all and limit them from seeing him. I think I must be an extremely selfish person to have gone back to him knowing all that I did.

Livebythecoast Tue 12-Nov-19 11:47:12

As holiday says, you need to reach out to your family and friends to help so that you're not alone. You need to find that inner strength you showed previously and that you can do it. He has worn you down to the point where you feel you're not worthy of anything other than being with him. I hope you get the support you need - please talk to family/friends.

holidayhelpp Tue 12-Nov-19 11:33:08

You’re not an idiot. He has played on your vulnerabilities.
You left him once, you can do it again.
It sounded like from your other posts that you had family and friends who wanted to help? Is it really that you’re alone, or that you don’t feel you can ask for their help? I’m sure they’d all support you x

namechangeneedhelpnow Tue 12-Nov-19 11:28:07

I'm trying to put them first, but I feel so weak. I'm not living with him and won't be. I have contacted a DV charity where I now live and hopefully they can help. I moved out of the refuge about 3 months ago and as soon as I stepped out the door I was on my own. I asked for support, I have tried to sort out counselling, but I just can't afford it. I have found somewhere who will do it at a reduced rate, but I am waiting for a space. I am trying my best, but I feel so alone. I have contacted and asked them to get my files from where I was living, but the new force have been really unhelpful. He found where I moved to, by driving around and looking for my car ( I guess he assumed rightly that I would have moved to a handful of places). I know I'm a complete idiot.

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