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Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

(404 Posts)
nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 13:30:08

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

AnneKipanki Wed 13-Nov-19 12:35:03

Did not see start date of 31 January, apologies.

IamtheDevilsAvocado Wed 13-Nov-19 13:19:10

You need to start planning how to escape... You're NOT weak... Just a DV survivor.... You're further forward.. You've done this before... You CAN do it.

Sweetchicken Wed 13-Nov-19 14:13:10

Jesus. All the tittle tattle and whining that goes on on here, then something like this.

Im so so sorry for your situation. Im so sorry you've gone back. You've left him once, you can leave him again. You're strong enough to do that. Do it for your children. If you keep it a secret from your family, they won't know to look out for you. Ridiculous as it sounds, do you have a hobby?? Anything to distract you from thinking about him?

I wish you the best of luck. You need to get yourself and your children away.

definitelygc Wed 13-Nov-19 17:29:12

I'm normally just a lurker on these forums but I had to create an account to reply to this as this happened to me. It breaks my heart to read all of this as I know what hell you must be going through.

Firstly - you are not weak for getting back with him. I went back to my emotionally abusive partner 3 times before I finally left. I was ashamed of myself, especially when I lay awake in bed one night thinking "if he hit me now would I leave? ...no". The only reason I finally left was because I found messages on his phone from 3 other women (including one of our mutual friends) who he was sleeping with. Anyone who thinks leaving a controlling relationship is easy has clearly never been in one. I like think of myself as quite a strong and resilient person but my ex totally broke me.

You know that getting back with him was a mistake so you're already over the first hurdle. Now you need to summon up the courage again to leave. It's going to be really tough when you leave but the quicker you cut off all ties the quicker the day will come when you finally have your life back together. Going back just delays and delays and delays that day.

I think you already know this but the problem is not asperger's. I'd also convinced myself that my partner had some sort of emotional / mental issue but the only issue he has is being a narcissist. All controlling partners are the same - one day they are absolutely wonderful to you and the next they're a monster. It's how they are able to control and manipulate you.

Finally - he's not going to change. You know that. This kind of behaviour runs deep (my ex's dad was also abusive to his mum). You need to get you and your children away from that kind of influence before he does anymore damage.

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