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Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

(376 Posts)
nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 13:30:08

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

tubthumping91 Thu 31-Jan-19 13:39:45

OP, you need to get out of this now.

I can not stress enough to you how abusive this relationship is! Reading through it, I thought the iPhone was bad enough, but the abortion?

No, this is not right. Please, get out now.

You have survived a lot before - You can do this now.

flowers

Dragongirl10 Thu 31-Jan-19 13:40:05

Oh op this is horribly abusive, l am so sorry, you need to focus on finding and escape route back to independence without telling him anything....

Ring Womans Aid for advice

Please find a way to escape him, ideally far, far away......forget the money you supposedly owe him, you don't.

TowelNumber42 Thu 31-Jan-19 13:46:03

Definitely abusive.

Speak to women's aid.

See about getting a loan to pay him off and start saving.

What were these things he bought for you that you so desperately needed? Am suspicious.

JarndyceVersusJarndyce Thu 31-Jan-19 13:50:48

Definitely abusive, please contact women's aid for advice on how to safely leave flowers

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 31-Jan-19 13:58:45

Please seek help asap. Woman's aid, talk to the school. Get a safety fund, if you share bank accounts, get a secret one at different bank and switch where your paycheck goes to. If you think distant family will help, ask. Also report to police. Visit them today and ask for help. Also message MP asking for help. Keep at it. Read 'why does he do that'. Be prepared for love bombing/abuse ramp if he suspects you might be breaking free. Save your DC from this.

Oddsocksandmeatballs Thu 31-Jan-19 14:00:54

He is abusive, Asperger's has nothing to do with it. Make plans to leave, you deserve better.

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 14:21:13

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have my own bank account which is where my wages go into. I can't get a loan unfortunately as I don't have the best credit rating down to my ex husband taking out loans in my name (I know, I am a mug).

@TowelNumber42 it was a his iPhone, holiday (which he booked as a way of keeping me after the abortion), laptop (as mine was rubbish). He did try to sell me his car at a reduced rate, but I said no, as I know that's my freedom, ipad and kids furniture as the stuff I had for the kids was cheap ikea crap (his words).

Miyajima89 Thu 31-Jan-19 14:23:02

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Get advice on steps you take to leave ASAP today OP. Do what other PP's have said about telling people.

NotANotMan Thu 31-Jan-19 14:26:56

You don't owe him that money, not really. Leave the laptop and get away. You can apply to the council for housing as fleeing DV but this will probably mean moving areas again sad

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka Thu 31-Jan-19 14:29:39

You need to talk to women’s aid this is all very abusive. That’s who he is, his Aspergers isn’t making him that way. You need to get you and your children out of there, and you will, but you need help to do that and WA can help you.

cestlavielife Thu 31-Jan-19 14:31:37

They are not his dc right?
Get you and dc away
Now

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 14:35:24

No they are from my ex husband. They are both young (under 7) so I think I need to get out before they pick up on it. I think it would only get worse the longer I stay with him. I moved areas to live with him, so I guess I could move back to where I used to live. I think he will make my life help when I leave though. I think I may have to do it when he is away. I will call womans aid tonight.

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 14:37:14

life hell*

cestlavielife Thu 31-Jan-19 14:53:05

They are young enough to cope with moving
They do not need to be subject any more to this bad environment

cestlavielife Thu 31-Jan-19 14:53:20

But do get some counselling support

Omzlas Thu 31-Jan-19 15:03:24

I got as far as "wants me to lose weight before he'll propose"

He's an abusive, bullying prick. You are much better off without him in your life, all he's bringing to the table is nastiness and horrible behaviour

Please speak to Women's Aid or similar, that's what they're there for

Gilead Thu 31-Jan-19 15:06:23

Her whizz are you with my ex? Get out. Women’s aid will help. flowers

MrsBethel Thu 31-Jan-19 15:24:13

What is the dividing line between a guy just being a twat and between it being emotional abuse? I honestly don't know, but it sounds to me like the root problem here is that he's just an utter dickhead. If I were you I'd make plans to ditch him asap.

Playing the victim, threatening to break up to 'win' an argument, the weight thing, no thought for your feelings pre or post abortion. I don't think he's doing this to deliberately hurt you. He's doing it because he is a twat and in his mind he's right. He seems to have no empathy, no care for your thoughts or feelings. Everything is about him and any interpretation of a situation that suits him is the one he'll believe.

The guy's just a first order wanker and needs ditching pronto.

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 17:31:09

I contacted woman's aid tonight and spoke about everything. They confirmed he is abusive. I contacted the police about Claire's law so they can disclose anything that may be relevant. I'm now regretting that as they want to see me and I'm scared.

AnoukSpirit Thu 31-Jan-19 17:58:10

They can help keep you safe. It's natural to be scared, but try to let them help you if you can.

I was petrified when the police intervened with me and wanted to talk to me, but in the long run it was helpful.

Make your plans to leave and then do so without telling him.

Once you're safely away from him, have a look at the Freedom Programme so you can put the pieces back together and avoid anyone like him again in the future. They'll help you make sense of all of this - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

WildFlower2019 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:02:05

LEAVE THE BASTARD.

You're worth far more than this.

WildFlower2019 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:04:31

Hate myself for not commenting before reading the full thread.

I'm glad you've called women's aid.

Best wishes to you OP x

WildFlower2019 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:05:11

For commenting* not

What is wrong with my brain this evening?!?!

Star81 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:10:10

Don’t be scared off the police. They will help you if it’s necessary.

KC225 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:21:48

OP you have made the right steps today. You know this isn't right. Do you have family and friends support where you used to live?

Icandothis2019 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:30:11

OP please go and see the police. They maybe able to help you get out of the house, collect your things etc if he's always around. Do you have family you can contact and stay with in the short term where you used to live.

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 20:09:50

I spoke again to the police and they know I'm not in any immediate danger. I see them tomorrow to get the ball rolling with Claire's law so I can hopefully find out anything else and how I need to protect myself when I leave. I'm contacting a local domestic violence service who will help me make a plan. I don't want to go in a refuge and I do have family in the next county, so I will do a housing application for that area. He's been away all week so I think he will be mr nice guy tomorrow when he gets back. I can see the pattern now. Thank you everyone who has given me the courage today to seek help and support. Im not going to lie and say I feel strong because right now I feel so scared and weak. I know this is for the best and I need to do it. I just need to stay strong and not get sucked back in.

MrsAJ27 Thu 31-Jan-19 20:13:53

Well done OP, you are taking the right steps to get your children and you out of this unhealthy relationship.

Good Luck flowers

Dragongirl10 Thu 31-Jan-19 20:58:26

Well done op there is light at the end of this for you and your children,be brave even if you don't feel it.

VaggieMight Thu 31-Jan-19 21:07:55

Good luck OP thanks

Readysteadygoat Thu 31-Jan-19 21:12:54

Well done OP, wishing you all the very best

Gilead Thu 31-Jan-19 22:34:21

Well done op you will feel so much better when this is sorted. Best thing I ever did.

Littlefrog99 Fri 01-Feb-19 06:56:43

You may not think you're strong OP but you are, very much so. It takes great strength to take the first step and contact the police and domestic abuse services. I know this will be a very scary time for you right now but you're doing the right thing, you and your children deserve better. Good luck!

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 09:27:23

He's coming home today and i'm dreading it. I need to go to the police station tonight, so I've said i'm going to the gym. I'm not sure how to stop him seeing where I am on my iPhone though. Does anyone know if I can just switch it off? That should work right?

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 09:28:13

I'm also feeling guilty as i'm lying to him. I'm starting to doubt if I am over reacting to this all. I'm so confused.

Neverender Fri 01-Feb-19 09:32:38

You may well feel nervous about speaking to the police but they only want to see you so they can make sure you and your children are safe. They will be able to offer support and help.

Neverender Fri 01-Feb-19 09:34:23

Do you have an app on your phone which means he can track you? Delete it or change your settings. If he asks tell him you had to do a restore. Change your pass code and don't give it to him.

Please don't minimise what he's doing...stick to the facts and really listen to the advice they give you.

Neverender Fri 01-Feb-19 09:38:03

Op - does this work?

Wild123 Fri 01-Feb-19 09:41:51

do you have a locker at the gym you can put the phone into and then leave there whilst you go to the police station?

2cats2many Fri 01-Feb-19 09:42:56

You are being incredibly brave and you are right to be careful and cautious.

You are doing the right thing and if you start to doubt yourself, read over your first post again and imagine how you would feel if this was a sister telling you that this stuff was happening to them.

You deserve so much better than this and happier times are ahead for you.

Bumblebee39 Fri 01-Feb-19 09:48:22

Omg

I had to double triple check this to make sure it wasn't me writing this a year ago from the earlier posts because you are describing my ex to a T
He did not have aspergus he was just abusive

It didn't get better. It got worse... violence, sexual violence, etc.

Please get out while you still can

TabbyCat44 Fri 01-Feb-19 09:50:16

Leave the phone at home.

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 09:51:17

@Wild123 that's a brilliant idea, I will do that.

I think if I turn them off he would be suspicious as why. I've texted my closest friend to tell her what's happening. None of my friends have any clue, but I know one of my friends isn't keen on him and he's not keen on her too, probably as he knows she figured him out.

user1474894224 Fri 01-Feb-19 09:55:38

Please be careful as he maybe reading your texts and emails. If you can buy a cheap £10 phone and PAYG sim card to communicate with your bf and womans aid charities then do it. Good luck.

BlackCatSleeping Fri 01-Feb-19 09:58:13

Good luck in leaving and be careful flowers

MonicaGB Fri 01-Feb-19 09:59:46

Not trying to be overly paranoid, but are you able to use another phone or laptop? I had an ex many many years ago who used to monitor my calls and emails (i wasn't allowed my own and had to use his). Someone else might be better placed to know whether that technology can be added to iPhones or a laptop. It just seems a bit suspicious that he's making you use technology that he's given you.

Sorry you are having to go through this, but you are definitely doing the right things.

MyFootHurts Fri 01-Feb-19 09:59:49

Op you're doing the right thing by getting away from him. One word of warning though, especially as you are using his laptop, make sure you change all your passwords to this thread, so he doesn't get to find out that you're onto him. Also, make sure your phone (his old one) is properly password protected, chances are he can access it at will and will be checking your texts. Good luck with getting away safely.

butterfly56 Fri 01-Feb-19 10:01:16

Do not feel guilty about having to lie to him.
You need to focus your strength on getting away one step at a time.
The most dangerous thing you can do is tell him that you are leaving.

You need to keep everything to yourself.
Do a full factory reset on your phone.
DO NOT sign back in to iCloud because if he has linked the 2 phones he will everything you do on it.
TURN OFF LOCATION SERVICES.

Have a Spring Clean and say you are taking stuff to charity shop...
Visit family and takes loads of stuff with you every visit...and asks them to store it for you.

Make sure you get all the important documents out of the house, birth certificates, bank statements, etc, etc store them at someones house.

You need to plan carefully and do not tell anyone about your plans who you might think will tell him.
DO NOT tell him you are leaving. Good Luck OP flowers

MyFootHurts Fri 01-Feb-19 10:01:21

Sorry, just X posted with the above. The cheap PAYG phone is a good idea.

Musereader Fri 01-Feb-19 10:04:26

my abusive ex used to do things like this, especially then threatening to leave thing, my response was always that he was free to leave at any time, but he never did, he would ask me to pay for ever more expensive things that he would pay me back for but he never did and I got into £3k debt for him, he kept getting upset if I was not where he wanted me to be.

Your partner is abusive and good for you to make a plan to leave, the things he sold you a normal person would have simply given them to you, you did not need them and ikea crap is just fine, he is just looking for things to criticise about you to keep you in your place

Gilead Fri 01-Feb-19 10:05:08

You are not over reacting. Please do this. It took me two years to finally go so I know it's not easy, but honestly it's the best thing you can do. flowers

Mishappening Fri 01-Feb-19 10:10:30

I think it is very clear that you do not love this man (why would you?) so you must leave him and go and have a life that you and your children will enjoy. You are under no obligation to stay ,whatever the definition of this behaviour. Glad you have rung Women's Aid and please follow through with all their advice.

humblesims Fri 01-Feb-19 10:10:48

flowers Good luck. We are all behind you. Its ok to feel scared and weak btw its very natural. But, you are actually being very strong and doing absolutely the right thing for yourself and your DCs.

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 10:11:57

I have changed all passwords on phones, laptop, ipad etc. I have gone through all settings and I think it is all pretty secure. I'll make sure I get passports, birth certificates etc out asap. I take my phone with me everywhere anyway. I don't want him to get in trouble with the police though as he has never hit me or anything and I don't think his mental health could cope. I just want to get out and start over with no drama, but I know it can't be that easy.

PregnantSea Fri 01-Feb-19 10:15:45

Leave. Sell the iPhone on a recycling site and get yourself a new phone so he has no way of tracking you. You can buy smart phones really cheaply these days as long as you're happy not to have a big brand name.

This is definitely abuse OP. If you're worried about money you can always go to a women's shelter with the children as a temporary fix. It's better than staying in the house with him.

I wouldn't even tell him you're leaving until your plan is set. Just get your kids and essential belongings out of the house as fast as you can.

Neverender Fri 01-Feb-19 10:20:03

Stop worrying about him and focus on you. The consequences of his actions, if there are any, are his.

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 10:28:15

The stupid thing is I feel so upset right no, but I want to go to him for a cuddle. I know this isn't normal or right and that I need to leave, but it's so hard. I wish I could detach any emotions. Everything is starting to get set in place for me to leave and I know it's what I have to do, but It won't be quick I don't think unless it does get really bad.

DorisDances Fri 01-Feb-19 11:00:11

Hang on in there for your DCs sake OP (and your in the long term). Virtual hand hold sent from me.

billybagpuss Fri 01-Feb-19 11:06:28

Good luck tonight flowers

Thereshegoesagain Fri 01-Feb-19 12:29:41

Go to the gym, leave your iPhone there in a locker, then go to the police, then back to the gym to pick up the phone.
Good luck.

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 12:54:21

Crap! He's left early and on his way home. I'm paranoid now he'll know my password to my laptop and can see my browsing history

Zofia123 Fri 01-Feb-19 13:05:13

Its not whether you leave but how you leave. Your instinct 'to leave' must be trusted and your fear about after you 'leave' must be trusted too. Research your plan to leave. Write in a diary all dates, times and events. Do not use your own computer if you fear he has control and use a friends phone. Prepare a place to live and move your children during the holiday. Be your own detective and only trust a very small number of people until you are out. Protect your children. Secrecy is key. Leave your phone and computer behind if you have to, buy new ones. Then go to a therapist to learn how to trust yourself and who to trust, and how to develop yourself in order to manage your world. Learn how to self-manage and not give so much of your decision making processes away. You are clearly bright and capable you have to learn the skills to match your intelligence. Only then will you recognise who to trust on the outside. There are amazing agencies out there and you clearly have friends that can help. Hope all goes well for you.

tenredthings Fri 01-Feb-19 13:05:41

Delete your browsing history now ! Good luck , keep strong for you little ones!

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 13:27:59

I can't delete it, as I am at work. He called me and sounded all bright and cheery, so I don't think he has a clue. I've got to keep up the pretence now and spend the weekend with him.

rainbowstardrops Fri 01-Feb-19 13:28:12

Good luck OP thanks

Notsurprisedatall Fri 01-Feb-19 13:28:32

Delete the browsing history and put your passports and other documents (benefit evidence etc) in your gym locker. Safer there than with him.

gottastopeatingchocolate Fri 01-Feb-19 13:34:31

Why is he leaving early?

I don't want to fuel your paranoia, but is there any way he can be accessing your computer remotely? Are your devices linked?

When are you planning to leave?

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 13:50:09

I don't think they are linked, but it could be a possibility (he works in IT, networking). His job finished early today because of the weather. He had mentioned he was going to try to leave early if he could. He's working about 100 miles away.

nowheretorunorhide Fri 01-Feb-19 13:57:25

I've just changed my password to my mail etc, so hopefully that means its logged out on other devices.

Omzlas Fri 01-Feb-19 15:02:47

I.just wanted to say that I think you're being incredibly strong and brave OP, you might not feel it now but you are

You've got this, honestly, you CAN do it flowers

billybagpuss Sat 02-Feb-19 08:35:30

How did it go last night, hope you're ok flowers

nowheretorunorhide Sat 02-Feb-19 11:41:43

Hi ladies, I went last night and saw a police officer. They basically said I need to go through the mash to request Clare's law. I'm contacting them Monday. Ive told the police there is no abuse I just want to know if I need to be careful when we separate and need extra support when I leave. Im not tip toeing around him now he's home, but I'm very aware of his behaviour. My friend has been really supportive about it all and has made it all seem a lot more manageable. I'm going to get everything in order and make my plan to escape. The hard thing is pretending everything is ok and still having to sleep with someone who is making my skin crawl.

looondonn Sat 02-Feb-19 11:46:51

Thinking of you

You sound amazing

And so brave

Please please keep posting here so many fantastic people here to help you 

nowheretorunorhide Sat 02-Feb-19 11:58:55

I don't feel brave at all, but I'm trying to find some inner strength. All this support has meant the world to me.

Dragongirl10 Sat 02-Feb-19 12:11:10

Well done op you will break free....on another note can you fake Thrush/period to avoid intimacy without suspicion.

nowheretorunorhide Sat 02-Feb-19 15:38:44

He always pushes me to have sex when I'm on my period. I guess I can try thrush. I just usually go to bed before him as he stays up gaming late and pretend I'm asleep. He came to bed when I did last night and wanted to watch tv with me. Obviously just wanted sex.

nowheretorunorhide Sun 03-Feb-19 12:12:29

He's been very nice a calm atm. I have been trying to push his buttons slightly this weekend to see what his reaction will be and nothing. I haven't been his slave and just done my own thing. He still put me down in front of friends last night and my friend who I told everything to this week noticed it too which was validating

Aeroflotgirl Sun 03-Feb-19 12:57:46

You know what you need to do, stop playing games with humans stary planning your exit!

nowheretorunorhide Sun 03-Feb-19 13:04:44

I am planing my exit. I'm not sure how long it will take though. I do keep doubting myself on if it's abuse or if I am over sensitive and it's his Aspergers.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 03-Feb-19 14:13:21

Have that plan in mind, just because he has Asperger's, does not make him abusive. I am certain DH had Asperger's, and does not do those things, though he can be quite unemotional at times, almost robotic, and finds it hard seeing it from my point of view.

LiftedHigh Sun 03-Feb-19 14:29:12

Time to go, you'll get lots of support offered. I left husband in October due to DV.
I wish you well xx

Dragongirl10 Sun 03-Feb-19 14:47:21

Op please stop doubting yourself, many here have confirmed this is abuse and are worried for you....please , please continue your exit plan

SkySmiler Sun 03-Feb-19 14:55:38

Please, please leave, for the sake of your girls, I know it seems hard but I PROMISED you will be far happier x

nowheretorunorhide Sun 03-Feb-19 15:12:21

I'm contacting the mash tomorrow about Clare's law and then contacting somewhere else for local support. It's like he knows something is up and is behaving. He's booked us tickets to go away with the kids today for May.

nowheretorunorhide Sun 03-Feb-19 15:16:48

His Aspergers makes him lack any empathy and he's very selfish and just makes sure he's ok. I hate how he can threaten to leave if I disagree with him as he knows it plays into my insecurities with having bpd. If he says it again before I manage to exit then it's my cue to walk away with no guilt what's so ever

Omzlas Sun 03-Feb-19 16:04:49

Please PLEASE don't feel guilty OP, you cannot control or change his behaviour

You're doing amazingly well, you can do this flowers

nowheretorunorhide Sun 03-Feb-19 16:18:12

I don't feel it at all. I feel so emotionally week and so scared being on my own again, working full time with two kids and potentially being housed somewhere which is horrible. I guess it's better than living in this shit environment though.

WetWipesGoInTheBin Sun 03-Feb-19 16:26:19

OP you know why Asperger's is harder to diagnose in women? It is because the majority of women are forced by their families and then the rest of society to learn how to interact socially and in relationships. In other words his shit behaviour towards you is not just due to his disability, but due to the way he's been allowed to get away with behaving due to having that disability.

So stop making excuses for his behaviour and work on your exit strategy before you damage your children even more.

nowheretorunorhide Sun 03-Feb-19 20:57:03

I never thought about it that way but it's so spot on.

nowheretorunorhide Mon 04-Feb-19 09:01:04

Another day of me being at work today, whilst he sits at home and pretends that he is doing something. I know he'll be sat playing games for most of it, when he can be bothered to drag himself out of bed. I went to bed on my own like I usually do, which is what I prefer if i'm honest now. I'm hoping the mash get straight back to me.

weleasewoderick22 Mon 04-Feb-19 10:06:59

Keep going op, you're doing brilliantly thanks.

When this is all over and you've left, I strongly advise the Freedom Programme. It'll help you understand yourself and him and how you ended up in an abusive relationship.
Again, good luck.

nowheretorunorhide Mon 04-Feb-19 10:11:00

I looked at it and think it is a good idea for me. I'm so scared of being single and on my own. I went from a failed marriage straight into this relationship, which I know isn't healthy. I'm just so scared of being on my own and coping with kids, work and my own mental health. I feel so weak.

bibliomania Mon 04-Feb-19 10:24:54

Don't think about the long-term future - things have a way of sorting themselves out. Just think about the immediate things you need to do. I understand why part of you wants him to behave in a way that confirms that you are right to go, but please, please don't wait for this. To someone looking on from the outside, it's a clearcut case of leave the bastard. This is no way to live and it's not the environment you want your dcs to grow up in. If you're wavering, take a deep breath and do it for them (because sometimes it's harder to do it for just for yourself).

This bit is tough to negotiate, OP. I had to make secret plans to leave my marriage, and I remember the absolute terror that exH would work it out. But it's so, so worth it to be free.

bibliomania Mon 04-Feb-19 10:26:54

Just to add, I enjoyed being a mother so much more when I got free of a toxic relationship. I didn't realise how much of my energy and happiness it was leeching away. I had far more emotional energy to spend on dc (and enjoy them properly) once it was over.

ApolloandDaphne Mon 04-Feb-19 10:34:01

Well done OP. You are doing the right thing for you and your DC. You deserve better.

nowheretorunorhide Mon 04-Feb-19 10:52:24

@bibliomania He's out tonight so I think I call womans aid again as I did find that so helpful. I wish I didn't love him because when he's being nice and decent I really do, but I need to remember these are not genuine behaviours, it is just his way of keeping me here. He's talking about starting a new job and us relocating 100 miles away from all my friends and family, probably to isolate me more. I hope when I leave he buggers off there and I don't have to see him again.

weleasewoderick22 Mon 04-Feb-19 11:02:56

Nothing to add that hasn't already been said but, keep going op. It WILL get better thanks

bibliomania Mon 04-Feb-19 11:07:31

That's good, nowhere. An abusive person being "nice" has a more powerful emotional impact than a nice person being their normal nice self because the stakes feel so high.

You can still feel physically attracted to someone who treats you badly. I missed the smell of my exH's aftershave and leaning against his shoulder. Sometimes you just have to put those feelings in a box while you do what you need to do.

ChodeofChodeHall Mon 04-Feb-19 11:15:09

You're doing great, OP, keep it up!

Just to say, my husband has Aspergers and treats me with respect at all times, so please don't put his abusive behaviour down to this.

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