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Is he being unreasonable? Is it emotionally abusive?

(364 Posts)
nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 13:30:08

Sorry, posting here for traffic. Name changed for obvious reasons. Sorry this is a bit long.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I might be in a emotionally abusive relationship and he has so much control over me, without me even realising it. I have been with my partner 2 years, lived together 1 year. I met him in a pretty vulnerable place in my life after a messy divorce and he basically lovebombed me. Now he has me living with him I feel very trapped and walking on egg shells in case I do or say something that upsets him. He is very much only right and will play the victim well if I try and stick up for myself, then I get the cold treatment until I apologise.

He has paid for things to help me out and I now owe him money, so if I spend anything on myself now, I am made to feel guilty that I haven't given that money to him to pay off my debt (which I am paying off every single month). Everything is about his needs and making sure he is ok, he's very selfish and my emotions do not seem to matter. He pushed me into buying his iPhone off him for example when he upgraded, which I think was only because he now can track me on find my iPhone.

I am working 5 days a week with two small children, whilst struggling with BPD because I have been made to feel like I need to earn more money by him (gone from working 3-5 days p/w). He has told me I need to lose weight for him to propose to me, like it is some incentive. He doesn't believe that binge eating disorder exists and that his emotional abuse is making me eat and gain weight. He pushed me into an abortion I didn't want then once it was done he gave me no support (he left me driving his car back to get fixed whilst I was physically losing the baby). Any disagreement leads him to threatening breakup. I stupidly have given up my home for this person and now have no where to go and money owed to him. I have since found out he has been charged with harassment by two ex girlfriends who left him and he ended up going into a mental hospital for suicide attempts because of the break ups.

I am so scared how to leave with two small children. He can be lovely and kind and horrible the next. I have no money and i'm scared to change my daughters school again and worried he would try to do something to hurt me when I leave.

Does this sound like emotional abuse to you? I grew up in an abusive household and having bpd I know sometimes I can see things a bit wrong. He also has Asperger's if that makes a difference.

tubthumping91 Thu 31-Jan-19 13:39:45

OP, you need to get out of this now.

I can not stress enough to you how abusive this relationship is! Reading through it, I thought the iPhone was bad enough, but the abortion?

No, this is not right. Please, get out now.

You have survived a lot before - You can do this now.

flowers

Dragongirl10 Thu 31-Jan-19 13:40:05

Oh op this is horribly abusive, l am so sorry, you need to focus on finding and escape route back to independence without telling him anything....

Ring Womans Aid for advice

Please find a way to escape him, ideally far, far away......forget the money you supposedly owe him, you don't.

TowelNumber42 Thu 31-Jan-19 13:46:03

Definitely abusive.

Speak to women's aid.

See about getting a loan to pay him off and start saving.

What were these things he bought for you that you so desperately needed? Am suspicious.

JarndyceVersusJarndyce Thu 31-Jan-19 13:50:48

Definitely abusive, please contact women's aid for advice on how to safely leave flowers

Justanothernameonthepage Thu 31-Jan-19 13:58:45

Please seek help asap. Woman's aid, talk to the school. Get a safety fund, if you share bank accounts, get a secret one at different bank and switch where your paycheck goes to. If you think distant family will help, ask. Also report to police. Visit them today and ask for help. Also message MP asking for help. Keep at it. Read 'why does he do that'. Be prepared for love bombing/abuse ramp if he suspects you might be breaking free. Save your DC from this.

Oddsocksandmeatballs Thu 31-Jan-19 14:00:54

He is abusive, Asperger's has nothing to do with it. Make plans to leave, you deserve better.

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 14:21:13

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have my own bank account which is where my wages go into. I can't get a loan unfortunately as I don't have the best credit rating down to my ex husband taking out loans in my name (I know, I am a mug).

@TowelNumber42 it was a his iPhone, holiday (which he booked as a way of keeping me after the abortion), laptop (as mine was rubbish). He did try to sell me his car at a reduced rate, but I said no, as I know that's my freedom, ipad and kids furniture as the stuff I had for the kids was cheap ikea crap (his words).

Miyajima89 Thu 31-Jan-19 14:23:02

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Get advice on steps you take to leave ASAP today OP. Do what other PP's have said about telling people.

NotANotMan Thu 31-Jan-19 14:26:56

You don't owe him that money, not really. Leave the laptop and get away. You can apply to the council for housing as fleeing DV but this will probably mean moving areas again sad

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka Thu 31-Jan-19 14:29:39

You need to talk to women’s aid this is all very abusive. That’s who he is, his Aspergers isn’t making him that way. You need to get you and your children out of there, and you will, but you need help to do that and WA can help you.

cestlavielife Thu 31-Jan-19 14:31:37

They are not his dc right?
Get you and dc away
Now

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 14:35:24

No they are from my ex husband. They are both young (under 7) so I think I need to get out before they pick up on it. I think it would only get worse the longer I stay with him. I moved areas to live with him, so I guess I could move back to where I used to live. I think he will make my life help when I leave though. I think I may have to do it when he is away. I will call womans aid tonight.

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 14:37:14

life hell*

cestlavielife Thu 31-Jan-19 14:53:05

They are young enough to cope with moving
They do not need to be subject any more to this bad environment

cestlavielife Thu 31-Jan-19 14:53:20

But do get some counselling support

Omzlas Thu 31-Jan-19 15:03:24

I got as far as "wants me to lose weight before he'll propose"

He's an abusive, bullying prick. You are much better off without him in your life, all he's bringing to the table is nastiness and horrible behaviour

Please speak to Women's Aid or similar, that's what they're there for

Gilead Thu 31-Jan-19 15:06:23

Her whizz are you with my ex? Get out. Women’s aid will help. flowers

MrsBethel Thu 31-Jan-19 15:24:13

What is the dividing line between a guy just being a twat and between it being emotional abuse? I honestly don't know, but it sounds to me like the root problem here is that he's just an utter dickhead. If I were you I'd make plans to ditch him asap.

Playing the victim, threatening to break up to 'win' an argument, the weight thing, no thought for your feelings pre or post abortion. I don't think he's doing this to deliberately hurt you. He's doing it because he is a twat and in his mind he's right. He seems to have no empathy, no care for your thoughts or feelings. Everything is about him and any interpretation of a situation that suits him is the one he'll believe.

The guy's just a first order wanker and needs ditching pronto.

nowheretorunorhide Thu 31-Jan-19 17:31:09

I contacted woman's aid tonight and spoke about everything. They confirmed he is abusive. I contacted the police about Claire's law so they can disclose anything that may be relevant. I'm now regretting that as they want to see me and I'm scared.

AnoukSpirit Thu 31-Jan-19 17:58:10

They can help keep you safe. It's natural to be scared, but try to let them help you if you can.

I was petrified when the police intervened with me and wanted to talk to me, but in the long run it was helpful.

Make your plans to leave and then do so without telling him.

Once you're safely away from him, have a look at the Freedom Programme so you can put the pieces back together and avoid anyone like him again in the future. They'll help you make sense of all of this - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

WildFlower2019 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:02:05

LEAVE THE BASTARD.

You're worth far more than this.

WildFlower2019 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:04:31

Hate myself for not commenting before reading the full thread.

I'm glad you've called women's aid.

Best wishes to you OP x

WildFlower2019 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:05:11

For commenting* not

What is wrong with my brain this evening?!?!

Star81 Thu 31-Jan-19 19:10:10

Don’t be scared off the police. They will help you if it’s necessary.

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