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To feel frustrated with friend

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Fabaunt Tue 29-Jan-19 13:45:16

I’ll try keep this brief. My DP and her DH are brothers. She is one of my closest friends. Neither her or DH work, myself and DP would have good jobs. Myself and DP are getting married in 13 months, and have no children. She has 2. 4yr old and 2yr old.

Initially both myself and DP would have been very generous with DNs but favours soon became tasks. It was expected rather than appreciated.

A few things have reared their heads that has irritated me a lot. The 4 of us went away for a long weekend. On the last night they made it known money was tight and she wanted to spend what she had left on stuff for the kids. We decided to have a quiet night, and just go to the cinema and for dinner afterwards. DP ended up paying for the tickets and snacks at the cinema because neither his brother or my friend made a play to put their hands in their pocket.
My DP was quite irritated and afterwards when we went to dinner he told me he hoped he wasn’t expected to pay. Sure enough, we all ordered, they ordered beer and cocktails, she ordered duck and a starter. Bill came, and DP took out his phone to split the bill. We owed £42, they owed £60. Friend was quite taken aback but they paid. The whole way back to hotel, she blanked me and refused to speak to me. She was odd with me the next day so I spoke to her. She told me she felt DP was mean, and tight because he knew her DH and herself were broke and needed what was left for presents for her kids. She said it wasn’t like we were stuck for money and if he really couldn’t afford it he could have put their share on his card and they would pay him back when they got home.

DP is always the one left paying for taxis and drinks, in fact at their DS2 christening, her DH asked DP to pay for the food.
If we are out with them DP has to remind his brother he hasn’t bought a round.

I used to always buy her oldest son an outfit at his birthday and Christmas (top, jumper, pants, shoes/sneakers) and toys. After the second was born she would ask for more expensive things, and would ask for matching converse etc. The toys she would pick out would be expensive too.

I didn’t mind that so much until I saw her sell presents I had given (that she had picked out) on Facebook marketplace, for almost the price I paid.

DP told me to stop spoiling the children and in the last year I have picked up a toy each, for birthdays and Christmas. Her DH has told DP I have upset my friend because she feels I don’t care about the boys anymore.

We are going on a cruise for our honeymoon and ending it with 3 nights in NYC, and herself and her DH are talking about joining us and making a proper holiday out of it.
I don’t want to share our honeymoon because I know we will end up paying for a lot of their expenses.

How would you deal with money issues coming between our friendship?

PutyourtoponTrevor Tue 29-Jan-19 13:50:47

I simply wouldn't socialise with them in future and if you absolutely have to, I'd say up front that you expect them to pay their equal share.

Why don't they work?

Unhappyfat Tue 29-Jan-19 13:51:22

They sound like freeloaders who have got the cheek to be offended because the cash point is now closed.
They are guilting you into it and the way I’d deal with it is just to keep cutting back on things, make sure they pay their way and don’t feel guilty about it

MrsEddieEdwards Tue 29-Jan-19 13:52:15

You’re not the one letting money be an issue, they are by taking the pee.

You’re better off without these kinds of “friends”.

lalaloopyhead Tue 29-Jan-19 13:53:52

So she is your sil and your best friend? Have you said anything to her about selling the gifts you gave?

I would speak honestly with her and say how you feel - it sounds like they take you and your money for granted. You may have more money than them but it is not your responsibility to pay all these things for you.

In the example about the meal, I would say fine but then in her situation you wouldn't have been ordering cocktails and starters if you thought someone else was picking up the tab for you. Ask her why she thinks you should be paying for them, and paying for extravagant things at that.

As for joining you on your honeymoon - who does that? Surely that is an easy one to say no to and just laugh off the suggestion??

Slothcuddles Tue 29-Jan-19 13:56:50

Why doesn’t he work?

Tell them you don’t want them on your honeymoon.

Stop paying when out- we’ve only brought enough cash for ourselves and no card, is all you have to stay

LagunaBubbles Tue 29-Jan-19 13:56:51

You’re better off without these kinds of “friends”.

I agree with this but obviously its not that simple when it's the OPs DHs brother. For a start don't tell them details of what youve booked or going to book OP.

livefornaps Tue 29-Jan-19 14:02:28

If they bring up scrounging onto your honey moon again, laugh as if it is the most hilarious thing in the world and say

No - we'll be banging our brains out

And

We're making the most of indulging ourselves before we pop out any sprogs as from that point on all our money will be going their way and not on treats for ourselves ISN'T THAT RIGHT?!

Fabaunt Tue 29-Jan-19 14:04:11

She doesn’t work because she has fibromyalgia and he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track.

HopeGarden Tue 29-Jan-19 14:05:06

I’d probably be cutting back on socialising with them , at least if it was likely to involve money, although a pp’s suggestion of having an honest conversation about how it’s making you feel might be more sensible.

As for the honeymoon - can’t you just tell them that you and your DP want to spend it alone, it’s intended to be a romantic break for just you and your new husband etc?

Personally I wouldn’t have wanted another couple tagging onto my honeymoon, even if they were the most generous people in the world and could be counted on to pay for all our expenses as well as their own. It’s a ridiculous idea.

livefornaps Tue 29-Jan-19 14:06:38

If he's trying to lose weight, buy him a side salad when he rocks up with his trotters to your restaurant table.

Losing weight is not a full time job, ffs

Mmmhmmm Tue 29-Jan-19 14:09:42

Fabaunt

"he doesn’t work because he is working on losing a lot of weight so he preps his meals and goes to the gym every day to stay on track."

shockshockshock

He'd lose more weight if he didn't go out for dinner and drinks on your card.

yearinyearout Tue 29-Jan-19 14:10:28

Who the hell doesn't work because they need to go to the gym?! It's something you fit around a job, not do instead of one 😂 Sorry OP this doesn't really answer your question but you and your dp should not have to subsidise them, if they can't afford nights out or holidays they can't have them, it's that simple. Since it's your DP's brother I would suggest to him that he has this conversation with him and makes it clear he won't be picking up the tab in future.

Fabaunt Tue 29-Jan-19 14:11:28

It’s frustrating because we lost a baby previously and it’s like our baby doesn’t exist. It’s all about her boys. She was even annoyed at me before because she felt I was giving her baby more attention than her oldest son which was causing ds1 to misbehave. But ds1 would often bite the baby or smack the baby with toys, and I would be fussing over the baby because he was hurt.

They have mentioned the honeymoon being their last chance at having a once in a lifetime trip without the kids because she will be turning 30 and feels the boys will be too big to leave at home for future holidays.

Everything is a competition. DP got a new tv, her DH got one (meanwhile she’s borrowing money from us to pay off her credit card) I got an iPhone X, she took out a loan to buy one.

She received compensation for an accident in sainsburys, which they used to clear off their debt. And then a year later she fell again in the same supermarket and is trying to push ahead with a second claim, which is what she justifys when she’s putting expensive things on the credit card and taking out loans for a phone. She thinks she will have it paid back with the compensation.

livefornaps Tue 29-Jan-19 14:11:50

Also if you are broke with kids, you don't go planning a trip to new York as if you don't have a care in the world.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc Tue 29-Jan-19 14:12:52

That is the most pathetic reason I've ever heard not to work! Dieting?! Gym?! You can do that AND work

Raindancer411 Tue 29-Jan-19 14:15:10

I would say no way to joining you for your honeymoon. It's your break and your break only.

They are users and I think you need to distance yourselves for the best.

rainflowerstar Tue 29-Jan-19 14:17:13

That is the most funniest thing I have ever read. He can't work because he needs to stay on track losing weight 😂

Stop lending them money and stop socialising with them. You can still see your nephews by inviting them round for a cup of tea.

rainflowerstar Tue 29-Jan-19 14:17:19

That is the most funniest thing I have ever read. He can't work because he needs to stay on track losing weight 😂

Stop lending them money and stop socialising with them. You can still see your nephews by inviting them round for a cup of tea.

BarrytheFatcat Tue 29-Jan-19 14:18:49

Did he tell the jobcentre hes not working because he has to go to the gym?!?

mummmy2017 Tue 29-Jan-19 14:19:42

Just say it is our honeymoon, and not a holiday, so I know you will understand we don't want to share this special time...
Then just don't tell her where your going to be, do not mention any hotels at all.
Start going to cheaper places for food, tell her you are saving up for when you have a baby.

ninalovesdragons Tue 29-Jan-19 14:21:01

They sound awful. Really truly awful. I'd run a mile if I were you, what on earth are you doing putting up with all of this.

Please don't let them invade your honeymoon and id keep them at arms length in future. This sort of thing makes me very uncomfortable but her cheek is outrageous

CallMeRachel Tue 29-Jan-19 14:22:05

Wow they are the epitome of entitlement if ever I've heard it.

She needs to hear a piece of your mind about how embarrassing her freeloading, grabby entitled behaviour really is.

They want to go to NY despite being unemployed?! Wow.

Ditch. Keep it distant IL's relationship, she's absolutely not your friend the way that you think she is. You're both standing on different view points.

Her huffy behaviour when she stonewalled you after her scoffing duck said it all!!

Mmmhmmm Tue 29-Jan-19 14:23:25

There is no logical reason they can't go on a trip of their own without you and not on your honeymoon. There are only cheeky fucker reasons they want to do that.

woolduvet Tue 29-Jan-19 14:24:17

No more lending them money, you're saving for your very expensive hotel in ny.
Just pull back monetarily.

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