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School run - always asked but never reciprocated

(263 Posts)
Fro611 Sun 27-Jan-19 08:58:31

I have a friend (I've known her since our kids started at the school a year ago) who is asking me "casually" almost every day to drop her 4 year old son off at home after school (where the Nanny is waiting). She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run. She started off occasionally asking if I could pick him up due to a "meeting she couldn't move" or because she had to drive to another town for a meeting - and it was only once, maybe twice a week. But lately she is asking me pretty much every day and for reasons like "Can you pick him up so I can finish early" or just asking me to pick him up without even giving a reason.

It's difficult as I am friendly with the mum - but I feel like she is pushing the friendship by asking almost every day just because it's convenient for her not to have to do it. Over the past 2 weeks I've started making up excuses to get out of it. It's only a ten minute detour for me to drive past her house. But I also feel that at only 4 years old she should be picking her son up regularly if she can and it's not my responsibility to pickup her kid every day.

It also annoys me because on the days she does pick her own son up from school she NEVER offers to drop my son home - not even once.

Am I being unreasonable in not helping her out every day? I would have thought she would have realized by my response (and excuse making) over the past 2 weeks that it's become too much and backed off - but if anything it's made her ask even more (I think she feels if I don't do it one day then I have to do it the next to make up for it).

Aside from this issue we get along quite well and it's really irritating me that she is totally oblivious that it's becoming too much. She even waits for me at the school gate each day to make sure she can "casually" ask me to do pickup and if I miss her (if I have dropped and left early) she texts me within ten minutes of drop off time asking me to do pickup.

I really really hate confrontation. Do I just keep making up excuses and hope she gets it? Or should I say something blunt and risk making things awkward between us?

georgedawes Sun 27-Jan-19 09:01:40

I'd start asking her to do pick ups for you.

blueskiesandforests Sun 27-Jan-19 09:03:18

She has a nanny? Ask her why the nanny doesn't do pick up.

But if you want her to do pick up reciprocally you'll have to ask "ok I'll pick your Alfie up today if you pick my Oliver up tomorrow" as she's clearly not twigged that it is an inconvenience and probably thinks that as you're going anyway you won't be inconvenienced.

Highfever Sun 27-Jan-19 09:05:50

What's the car seat situation?

DameSquashalot Sun 27-Jan-19 09:08:57

Agree blue skies. What can't the nanny pick up?

ArcadianBlues Sun 27-Jan-19 09:10:26

You need to have an honest conversation with her about how you you do not want to do this regularly. Would you want to do it if it were on a formal basis, I.e she paid you for say one or two hours child care a week to cover the time you are looking after her son? Also why doesn't her nanny pick up?

BiscuitDrama Sun 27-Jan-19 09:12:06

I’d just start being a bit busier so that she finds someone else to ask.

RangeRider Sun 27-Jan-19 09:14:38

Ask her to pick your DC up and when she says she can't then you have the perfect brush-off for all future requests 'sorry, but you weren't prepared to reciprocate so I'm not willing to help out anymore. Suggest you get the nanny to do pick up if you don't want to' Sorted.

SuchAToDo Sun 27-Jan-19 09:17:02

Just say you are going somewhere straight after school with your son and won't be able to pick up her son as you are not going that way...and then when she protests say maybe another school mum can pick him up for her or her nanny ...don't give in to her or you will never break free from this school run nightmare she has trapped you in

Fro611 Sun 27-Jan-19 09:18:23

You're right - it isn't a huge inconvenience for me as I am going anyway and it's only a short detour.

But it's more frustrating that it doesn't even occur to her to offer to return the favor. To be honest even if she did offer I doubt I'd take it up unless I had a good reason - I like picking my son up from school. They are only 4 (turning 5) years old and it seems a bit young to miss pickup regularly if you can make it. So it's not that I want her to pick my son up - it's that I feel like she's taking advantage and quite frankly being a bit rude by asking me to pick hers up every day.

She has had the nanny pickup in the past but she needs to take a cab as she doesn't drive - she openly admits that she prefers not to use the nanny as she "doesn't want to have to spend money on the cab fare".

JonSlow Sun 27-Jan-19 09:20:40

Say to her - how can we make this 50/50. So she does one week and you do the next.

Peepingsnowdrops Sun 27-Jan-19 09:21:14

I would have something straight after school.

She should be paying you at the very least. Don't be taken advantage of.

Biologifemini Sun 27-Jan-19 09:22:22

Don’t answer the messages. Just ignore.
I can go a full day at work having missed the latest WhatsApp message.

Fro611 Sun 27-Jan-19 09:25:12

Highfever - the car seat situation is that I have a spare seat - but if I don't have the spare in the car she gives me hers in the school carpark (which I drop with the nanny) - and if she misses me she sometimes leaves her carseat with the school reception (and then texts me to ask me to do pickup). There was one time she didn't leave the seat and I didn't have a spare and she actually asked me to just use the normal seat belt and "drive carefully". I said no!!

SuchAToDo - this is what I've been doing for the past 2 weeks hoping she twigs - but it seems to have motivated her to ask even more - like I "owe her" for saying no one day.

anon400 Sun 27-Jan-19 09:31:41

Surely just say no sorry it’s not convenient. When I pick up from school I want to be free to do other activities that I may decide at that moment - go to the park, go shopping, go for an ince cream, have another child home for tea ( often agreed at school leaving time) anything really. I would resent a commitment to drop off someone else’s child regularly unless it was a one off as a favour. And no I wouldn’t want her to pick up my child in return. Enjoy the freedom you have of picking up your child. Sounds like she needs to sort after school club or alternative child care, or get a nanny that drives.

Fro611 Sun 27-Jan-19 09:32:42

It's not like she can't pick her own son up - she has permission from work to do it every day.

When it was only occasionally because she had a meeting or because something came up at work I was fine with helping out. But now she asks using excuses like "I want to leave work early at the end of the day" or just gives no excuse at all. And asks every single day. And I'm becoming resentful.

I felt glad I was able to help her out when she was in a bind - but now I feel like she's using it for ease.

Mrsbclinton Sun 27-Jan-19 09:33:00

She is taking the piss, using you as a free after school drop off service.

Im sorry to say but your friend sounds like a user.

SaturdayNext Sun 27-Jan-19 09:33:09

Can you invent a need to do something else immediately after school every day, e.g. a relative you have to visit?

honestlynotagain Sun 27-Jan-19 09:33:53

People like this are so annoying. Shove the car seat back in her fucking face. What a twat.

HAMGina Sun 27-Jan-19 09:35:18

She's only friendly with you for the free school run - you do know that don't you?

EmUntitled Sun 27-Jan-19 09:36:33

She is not being unreasonable to ask. It isnt out of your way, you are going anyway, and it saves her a job. She could be more grateful, but I don't see why it bothers you.

She is not being unreasonable not to reciprocate as you have never asked her to and you dont even want her to. Have you tried asking and see what she says, that would give you an idea of how she views this favour.

However if you don't want to do it, it would be reasonable for you to just say "sorry I wont be able to drop off X from now on", or "i will only be able to drop off once a week from now on".

HAMGina Sun 27-Jan-19 09:37:25

* it seems to have motivated her to ask even more - like I "owe her" for saying no one day*

But this part of the CF playbook - what starts off as a favour becomes an entitlement.

Just block her number for three months or so.

Sewrainbow Sun 27-Jan-19 09:38:32

Yanbu - if she isn't responding to the hints you have to be blunt. If the texts persist, one word answers back "no".

What is there to be scared of with confrontational? If she asks why won't you do it, give the reasons you've said here; it's a special time for your dc, she has a nanny, her childcare is not your responsibility, you want to do or her things after school etc

Don't listen to guilt trips

catkind Sun 27-Jan-19 09:38:57

Perhaps instead of excuses you could just say in a nice way "Nah, you should do it. Means so much to them if they can see mum or dad at the door doesn't it?"

Or if it's the cheekiness that's bothering you, maybe you could ask for petrol money. I know that's not what it's about but for a regular arrangement she should be contributing (and tbh should be paying you) and it might make her think.

We do actually have an arrangement where we often pick up a friend of DS's, which I'm happy with as it's not one step out of our way and DS likes having the kid around. It's more like DS and friend walking together and me and DD happen to go the same way. But asking you to drive her kid and a much younger child doesn't feel the same.

Returning2thesceneofthecrime Sun 27-Jan-19 09:39:15

Next time you hear her voice at the end of the line, pre-empt her and say ‘I was just about to call you! Any chance you can pick DS up today as I have an appointment/a headache/a manicure/whatever?’ Do exactly the same every time she calls you. She’ll stop calling, I guarantee!

DisplayPurposesOnly Sun 27-Jan-19 09:40:34

I think some plain speaking, saying what you mean, might be a plan: "Why do you need to ask me every day? I don't mind helping out once in awhile if youre stuck, but this is too much"

Jeezoh Sun 27-Jan-19 09:42:00

Next time she asks just be honest and say it sounds like she needs a more regular arrangement than you’re able to help with and you wanted to let her know so she can make alternative arrangements. If she’s a true friend and not a user, she’ll understand.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 27-Jan-19 09:42:24

Start saying no, she sounds a bit of a user tbh.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 27-Jan-19 09:42:49

I guess it's about thinking about your wording so you have a response prepared. 'I didn't mind doing it when it was now and again to help you out, but it's become every day now and I don't want to do it every day, it becomes a burden, so I'm going to have to say no. Sorry. Hope you manage to sort out something else. Bye'.

She needs a nanny who drives, if the school run involves driving and she can't/doesn't want to do it herself. Stand firm!

CallMeVito Sun 27-Jan-19 09:43:19

no sorry, I am not going that way

It might be more tricky if she was your next door neighbour, but forcing you to make a detour is not on. I would just say no. Every day.

Villanellenovella Sun 27-Jan-19 09:43:35

'I really hate confrontation' - do you think anyone does? She is taking advantage of your meekness and is not a good friend. Start saying no.

JustJoinedRightNow Sun 27-Jan-19 09:43:56

This happens to me too. Are you a SAHM OP? I’ve found from my working friends that they basically expect me to do these favours because I’m heading to school everyday anyway.
They honestly cannot fathom why it wouldn’t be my job to pick their kids up, because I don’t have a job! Such CFery! I’ve wisened up thought and now just ignore messages and say no way more often.

Iwantdaffodils Sun 27-Jan-19 09:44:21

It isnt out of your way, you are going anyway

It's a ten minute detour. That wouldn't be much in a reciprocal arrangement or for someone who ill or whatever, but this woman is taking advantage, and of her employers too by the sounds of it.

CallMeVito Sun 27-Jan-19 09:44:29

You could also suggest she moves closer to the school so the nanny can walk there and back. It would be healthier for her child anyway grin

Santaclarita Sun 27-Jan-19 09:45:13

Anyone else think EmUntitled is the mother in question?

OP, she isn't a proper friend. Refuse, block her number and ignore. She shouldn't have had the child if she can't be bothered to even pick him up from school, hardly a difficult task. She leaves early from work anyway you say to pick him up, so why should you so she can 'leave early'? She leaves early anyway! Maybe it's this bug I have, but I don't get her excuse there, it sounds stupid. If she wants to leave early, she can pick her own son up.

She is lazy and doesn't want to spend the money on a taxi. Feel kind of sorry for her kid.

roundaboutthetown Sun 27-Jan-19 09:48:15

I'd tell her upfront that you feel she is taking advantage of you to be asking you to help out so frequently and offer absolutely nothing in return. You are not her unpaid nanny, your purpose in life is not to inconvenience yourself so as to save her cash and time, and there is a limit to friendly goodwill, especially when there is nothing to stop her picking her own child up, anyway.

EssentialHummus Sun 27-Jan-19 09:50:45

I am always amazed at these threads. In my social circle a one-off favour like this would be immediately reciprocated/wine or chocs would appear. I cannot imagine actually being in a scenario like this, and I totally understand your reluctance. But practically, I think "No can do xx" to every message is the way I'd go.

mrssmiling Sun 27-Jan-19 09:55:35

It may be ‘only a ten minute detour’ but that’s 50 mins a week, and will certainly be costing you re petrol....she is being very cheeky. You are doing her a massive favour, and she is taking advantage, and giving nothing back...
Is she really a friend, or just someone you chat to at the school gates?
Do you meet at each other’s houses, have play dates?

GetOffTheTableMabel Sun 27-Jan-19 09:55:45

You don’t want her to reciprocate because you like to do your own school run. You want her to stop asking you to do hers.

1. You just say no every time she asks until she gets the message
2. You tell her to stop asking you because you find it annoying/an imposition
3. You formalise it so that you are doing her a favour but with defined boundaries. You say “we use our after school time to go out together most days but we always go straight home on Fridays so I could drop your dc off on that day each week but not on the other days

Any of these could result in a confrontational conversation but, they probably won’t.

I don’t think you should feel bad about it. Her son will never be just stuck at school - she has a nanny. It’s not an emergency.The truth is that a lift home for her son probably makes a big difference to her day. It probably means she can do bath time. What she actually needs is a nanny who can drive.

StripeyDeckchair Sun 27-Jan-19 09:55:46

Dear X
I'm always willing to help out a friend on the odd occasion - maybe once a month - but I cannot take your child home for you on a regular basis.
I cannot take your child home for you today; as you have a nanny and have told me that you have an agreement with your employer that you can collect your child from school daily I'm sure this won't be a problem for you
FRO611

Do not elaborate, do not explain
If she throws a strop and is no longer friendly with you then you know she was using you.
If she stops asking and the friendship continues then all well and good.

gamerchick Sun 27-Jan-19 09:55:55

OP if you don't confront this head on then it'll keep happening. She's taking the piss and you're allowing it.

Send her a text today saying you won't be picking her kid up from school anymore. Flower up your words if you want.

If she rings you tell her you're not picking up her kid anymore. You don't have to explain yourself.

She's pushing the boundaries of your friendship, she's not entitled to anything now.

TowelNumber42 Sun 27-Jan-19 09:56:39

She has stopped giving reasons. You can do that too!

Seeing as you are scared of confrontation try a standard response like "No, sorry, can't today." Copy and paste each time.

Your current approach of saying no is fine. You'll get the message through in the end if you are sure to not break (don't do even one pick up for a good 3 months).

I'd be way more blunt myself, I couldn't do with the stress of the rather stalky behaviour. No, can't do tomorrow Mavis. I am keeping pick up time as special time for me and LittleFrom so I'm not doing any pick up favours for a while. See you soon Fro x

See how I said no, made it about what I want, referenced the fact that it is a favour, that my child has needs too and very importantly made no reference or suggestions about how she might solve her pick up problem.

Yabbers Sun 27-Jan-19 10:00:43

But it's more frustrating that it doesn't even occur to her to offer to return the favor.

Have you asked her? DD has friends round a lot at weekends and after school. Their parents rarely offer to return the favour. But when I need them to I ask, and they pretty much always oblige unless they genuinely can’t do it.

It's not like she can't pick her own son up - she has permission from work to do it every day
Having permission and being able to do it are not the same thing. I start work at 10 so I can do drop offs. That means nothing when a client calls a meeting.

It’s simple. If you don’t want to do it, don’t.

sueelleker Sun 27-Jan-19 10:02:19

Is she still telling work she's doing the pickup, to get spare time for herself?

TaighNamGastaOrt Sun 27-Jan-19 10:03:40

One of my neighbours did this. Our kids are friends as are we and I honestly don't mind helping out occasionally.
Except it started to become nearly every day. Drop off and pick up. And after school.
My childminder said one day why are you doing this? Make yourself less available, she's taking the piss out your kind nature.
So I did. I ignored messages, told her I was seeing family after school so sorry I couldn't help this time. Basically set some boundaries politely.
Now it's no more than twice a week. Don't get me wrong, if it's pissing rain and I'm driving, I say I'll take him cos there's no need for her to get soaked!
But I set limit of a maximum of twice a week and I stick to it. She has offered to help me recently, shes less of a CF now! 😁

qumquat Sun 27-Jan-19 10:04:41

She is a cheeky fucker. It's scary to say no but you need to. I like towelno42s response. If you try to explain too much or make reference to her circumstances it gives her an opening to negotiate. Make your response entirely about you and your son and your needs. 'Never explain; never apologise'.

SaturdayNext Sun 27-Jan-19 10:06:01

Response to texts: Sorry, no

Response to approaches outside the school: Sorry, no I can't. If she asks why, smile brightly and say "It just doesn't work for me". If she persists, smile less brightly and say "Why do you need to know?" And if she still persists, say "Look, I did say no, and I don't think I have to discuss my personal affairs with you".

Fro611 Sun 27-Jan-19 10:07:35

I guess it bothers me because it's not nice to feel like someone is taking advantage. I also don't like being forced into constantly making up excuses so as to save face on the friendship. It would be awkward for me to pull her up on it and that's what I'm trying to avoid. She doesn't seem to be getting the message - or maybe (more likely) she is getting the message - she just doesn't want to give up her free school lifts.

She does seem apologetic when she asks me (every day!!) so I know she's not stupid and is aware that it's a bit much. It annoys me that she cares more about getting the free lifts and making her life easier rather than maintaining our friendship. If she asked within reason I would be totally ok with the occasional pickup - but her greed in asking me to do it every single day is going to bring the whole house down. I should add that I also work during school hours so it's not like I have my mornings free.

messyhousetidymind Sun 27-Jan-19 10:13:26

Just be direct and say

I don't mind doing the school pick up occasionally in an emergency (or say once a week) but I'm sorry I don't want to do it every day because that's special time for me and my son to catch up (true)
Maybe we can lift share when they're older but not yet when they're settling in

howabout Sun 27-Jan-19 10:14:33

YANBU

No point to these sort of favours as your DF will never be in a position or willing to return them. You will also alter the friendship as she will inevitably start to view you as "staff" to enable her lifestyle.

What Towelnumber said.

Yabbers if you don't start work till 10 then you need to start getting through to your boss / clients that you are not available for meetings etc until 10. My DH stops work at 2. He would always be working afternoons if he didn't push back.

Juells Sun 27-Jan-19 10:14:44

it sounds like an awful faff, with the ten-minute detour and the car seat being hauled in and out. I'd say I don't go straight home any more, so it no longer suits. She's being a CF.

flumpybear Sun 27-Jan-19 10:16:06

I'd broach the problem
Dear xxx
I've noticed these last few weeks that you're leaning on me to collect your child which doesn't t work for me. If your job no longer allows you to leave for pick up you'll need to source a new way to cover such as your nanny getting a taxi, you changing your hours, your husband changing his hours. In an emergency i don't mind, I'm sure you'd do the same for me or other friends, but I cannot commit to every day

flumpybear Sun 27-Jan-19 10:17:38

Oh and yes, currently acting like an entitled CF .... warn other parents she may target!

TowelNumber42 Sun 27-Jan-19 10:19:06

She knows she is being cheeky and isn't bothered about the effect on your friendship because she thinks you are OK with the cheeky.

You know she's being cheeky but are hugely bothered about the effect on the friendship if you have to pull her up on it.

See, she's a CF, she thinks she is within your acceptable bounds because you have been leading her to believe it is OK. Even when you say no with an excuse which suggests you would have been OK with it except for A,B,C. No wonder she keeps trying.

You realise you are being a bad friend by lying to her about your willingness, right? You are expecting her to mind read to save the friendship when you could just tell her you are keeping pickups to just you and yours.

Milliepede Sun 27-Jan-19 10:20:59

She is not being unreasonable to ask. It isnt out of your way, you are going anyway, and it saves her a job. She could be more grateful, but I don't see why it bothers you

Er no, it is n ot someone else's responsibility to get your kids to school

Juells Sun 27-Jan-19 10:21:54

She works fulltime but has permission to leave each day to do the school run.

I'd wonder about this as well - either she doesn't want to be bothered leaving work to do the pickup, because it's more convenient to have you do it...or she doesn't have permission at all, and just said that to draw you in to the arrangement until you were used to it.

Yulebealrite Sun 27-Jan-19 10:24:51

Sorry I can't do more than the odd emergency pick up from now on. X normally opens up in the car on the way home and hasn't been able to recently. It's affecting him and our relationship so want to get back to having that time together again. I'm sure you understand.

crimsonlake Sun 27-Jan-19 10:28:53

A 10 minute detour when you are driving is no small thing, you are using up your petrol. Keep saying no, she is taking advantage of you.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-19 10:29:04

Pleasant, cheerful and calm.

“I’ve been meaning to bring up the school pick-ups. I have obligations left, right and centre and have decided I need to withdraw from this one. I want to be able to attend to things after school without the responsibility of getting (friend’s child) home. You’ll need to sort something else out with work or your nanny. I know it’s a pain but I really can’t help with it any more.”

<benignly resolute face>

starzig Sun 27-Jan-19 10:30:48

Just the occasional no needs to creep in. Enough to make her realise without falling out over it.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-19 10:31:01

10 minutes is out of her way!

I chased a CF colleague off recently who cheerfully told me I could give her a lift to and from work seeing as she is 10 minutes from me.
Dear reader: I did not agree.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-19 10:33:59

Just the occasional no needs to creep in?!
And still be doing all the school pick ups this time next year? Nah nah.

Just be honest and direct. You’re under no obligation here and if she reacts as though you are, she is no loss as a ‘friend’. Friends don’t claim ownership over your time to preserve their own.

Juells Sun 27-Jan-19 10:34:43

When you supply reasons why you don't want to do something, CFs problem-solve for you, keep on coming up with solutions for your problem.

A cynical part of me wonders if the reason why you two became such lovely friends is because she found you lived near her, and could be used as a delivery service.

Suggest she takes her lunch-break later and uses the time to pick her child up. I must admit that I'd be getting in a snot at this stage, and becoming much less polite.

Holidayshopping Sun 27-Jan-19 10:34:46

think some plain speaking, saying what you mean, might be a plan: "Why do you need to ask me every day? I don't mind helping out once in awhile if youre stuck, but this is too much"

Perfect

ichifanny Sun 27-Jan-19 10:37:43

Op I had a similar situation except my neighbour wanted me to take her daughter to school so she could get to the gym early . I did it for a few weeks but she became so entitled and inconsiderate of the fact it was my time that I told her I couldn’t do it anymore .
Even if it’s not out of your way it’s getting treated like someone’s ‘ help’ or lackey I didn’t like , I’m not there to facilitate someone else’s life , it’s quite frankly exhausting and annoying .
I’d say to her that you don’t mind helping out on an emergency but that you unfortunately can’t commit to every day and it’s not something you want to set a precedent for .

ichifanny Sun 27-Jan-19 10:39:07

My own time with my children is important to me especially if I’m home off work the last thing I want to be doing is acting as unpaid childcare / transport for someone else . These are precious times .

Iloveautumnleaves Sun 27-Jan-19 10:39:29

Set up an autophrase on your phone. ‘No, sorry, we have plans afterschool’. Send the exact same text every single time. It saves you having to think up excuses and ‘play nice’. If it’s the exact same phrase she’ll get the hint. Then frankly, I’d expect her to stop being your ‘friend’ because she’s not and she’ll need her energy to con others.

I’m more than happy to help people that need it, or to do a favour for someone who just wants to be elsewhere at that time, but not every bloody day simply because they can’t be arsed.

I love pick up time as they’re at their most chatty, I wouldn’t sacrifice that daily for a CF like her.

echt Sun 27-Jan-19 10:39:40

She's not a friend, as you will discover the moment you stop being useful to her.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-19 10:40:17

Yeah I’d go with that too. I’m quite direct.

“I don’t mind helping out once in a while but every day is too much. I don’t want the daily responsibility of getting (her child) home.”

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall Sun 27-Jan-19 10:40:23

I also don't like being forced into constantly making up excuses so as to save face on the friendship.

Why are you so bothered about maintaining the friendship? Presumably if you became friendly when your children started school you've only known her for 4-5 months and after realising you are useful to her, she's now abusing that friendship. I'd remain friendly towards her, but don't stress about being friends as such.

When she asks just reply with " No, I can't." You don't have to give her reasons, give details of what you are doing after school, or make up excuses.

Iloveautumnleaves Sun 27-Jan-19 10:41:28

I’d say to her that you don’t mind helping out on an emergency

I wouldn’t be even say that! In an ‘emergency’ all the has to do is pay for a taxi for the nanny to go.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-19 10:42:08

Yep Autumn that’s very true. An emergency means paying for a cab for nanny.

blueskiesandforests Sun 27-Jan-19 10:42:41

My next door neighbor cleans the primary school during after school club (which is run in a seperate part of the building) and drives her son home afterwards. Two days per week I can't get to after school club before it closes and she drives dc3 home too and drops him off home where my teenager is in charge til I get home. I pay her 25€ a month because it's a regular thing, even though she lives next door and is doing the drive anyway. In return she treats it as a commitment and if she's ill and not cleaning or her son's ill her mum, who lives nextdoor to her on the other side, always picks him up instead.

You have to treat regular favours on a more formal basis I think.

ichifanny Sun 27-Jan-19 10:43:42

You are right an emergency to a cheeky fucker is them having to go out of their own way so she would still take the piss .

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall Sun 27-Jan-19 10:46:35

You also don't have to apologise, so no, "sorry I can't".
Somebody else gave a perfect response about replying "No, we have plans after school." Even if those plans are going straight home, that's fine.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-19 10:46:47

Yes don’t explain, justify or offer apologies. This will simply give her something to work with. As you say, she behaves as though you owe her a pick up if you can’t do one for any reason. She crossed the line ages ago.
Have no fear. Just say no.

PositivelyPERF Sun 27-Jan-19 10:47:01

You say she is your friend, but do you meet for coffee, go out for a drink have reciprocal play dates? Or is it more of a school gate friendship?

It’s not just costing you ten minutes, OP. Not by the time you faff around with the car seat and her child. As a poster has previously suggested, just tell her you want to be able to spend that t8me in the car with your own child, as you have looked forward to seeing each other all day, or tell her NO!

ichifanny Sun 27-Jan-19 10:48:06

Do you actually sss this person outside of school or talk to her beyond her asking you to do pick up ? Hardly sounds like a friendship I’d be worrying about preserving

ichifanny Sun 27-Jan-19 10:48:16

See not sss

Roussette Sun 27-Jan-19 10:48:40

I imagine that she has permission from work to do school pick up and on the days she doesn't, she can have that half an hour/hour to leave work early. So ... on the days you do it, she can leave at 4.30pm. On the days she has to do it, she has to stay till 5.30pm.

She said she asked you once so she can leave work early. That'll be why.

All those that say... tell her you'll do it twice a week. Why? She's not going to lose her job because she has to pick up her child, so just why? I would help out in an emergency, but that's it.

BookwormMe2 Sun 27-Jan-19 10:49:56

I can't believe the CF stands in the playground with the car seat ready to shove at you! I would be livid - she's treating you like hired help except she's not even paying you! Seriously OP, you need to nip this in the bud. Next time she grabs you or texts you, just say no, she needs to find alternative arrangements, you can't be a permanent taxi service for her going forward. If she's a genuine friend, she'll understand and be mortified she's abused your kind nature but I suspect she'll flounce off when she realises her meal ticket has run out.

FlipF Sun 27-Jan-19 10:49:58

You don’t need to be rude or confrontational but you do need to be honest and straightforward. I would deal with this by speaking with her. I’d say something along the lines that you want to be honest with her and give her the heads up that you are feeling that you are being taken advantage of. I’d point out that she is asking almost everyday and that she doesn’t ever offer to drop your kid off. Then you have to be REALLY honest with what you are and are not ok with doing. If you genuinely don’t mind doing the occasional favour but that you expect the favour to be returned then TELL HER and if you don’t ever want to give lifts then TELL HER. Don’t be wish washy. I get that it’s awkward but in the long run it’s better and simpler for everyone. She’s your friend and you should be able to talk to her.
Making up excuses is a bit wet.

Mix56 Sun 27-Jan-19 10:50:33

I'd tell her upfront that you feel she is taking advantage by asking you to take responsibility every day for her kid and offer absolutely nothing in return. You are not her unpaid nanny, it is a f'ing fag with the chair, all so as her life is more convenient, and there is a limit to friendly goodwill, especially when there is nothing to stop her picking her own child up, anyway. why would you have a nanny who doesn't drive if you have school runs that need doing?

Iwantdaffodils Sun 27-Jan-19 10:52:46

She's not a friend, as you will discover the moment you stop being useful to her

Ain't this the truth! The word 'friend' is used very loosely on MN.

pictish Sun 27-Jan-19 10:54:50

It is quite likely that she’ll be less forthcoming and friendly after the no...but don’t take it personally, it’s her not you. Who needs a one-sided friendship based on how useful you are? No one!

flumpybear Sun 27-Jan-19 10:55:50

CFFF cheeky fucker faux friend = not a friend , you're a service, that's all

Slothcuddles Sun 27-Jan-19 10:56:46

I posted this on another thread a few days ago. When ds14 was younger I used to ask a mum to pick him up anything from once to if I was really busy 5 days a week. I would then pick up her 3 for school each time mine was going in at normal time and not breakfast club (which was 7:30am). Which again was simlair 1 to 5 days a week.
I think the difference was she offered, and when I joked it could be up to 5 days a week, she said no problem, it would keep her eldest occupied as she done reading etc with the youngest two. As she had 30 minute walk to school as she didn’t drive, she really appreciated me driving them to school, so she didn’t have to walk there and back later.
So for us it was beneficial for both ways. (Although we often found the Friday pick up meant we had the others child until Sunday! As either she would phone and ask if my ds could stay the weekend. Or when I picked up my ds from school, he and her ds would run up and ask if her ds could stay at ours. It was never a problem either way).

topology444 Sun 27-Jan-19 10:57:01

To be honest in the overall picture it is much better if you take the child: Less traffic, less pollution, and one fewer stressed mother rushing to school. At least I appreciate what you are doing and I would not be surprised if some fellow parents also do so too. I also don't see that it is such a good time to spend with your parent, if the parent rushes to school, rushes home and then hands the child to the nanny to go back to work. For your friend it must be extremely stressfull and honestly it is a very bad set-up (which is not your problem.). I would offer one or two days a week and make sure she knows that you do her a huge favour. I am sure she already knows this but is desperate.

notdaddycool Sun 27-Jan-19 10:59:06

Next she will sack the nanny so you can take him home. Just start saying no the second time she asks you each week.

Holidayshopping Sun 27-Jan-19 11:01:58

The ‘default arrangement’ is that she works from home and has agreed release time to go and collect her child, if there is an emergency, she has a nanny who can get a cab. That is a plan. A sensible and organised one.

She is changing this plan so that the default arrangement is you get the child every afternoon and in an emergency, the nanny goes?!

That is ridiculous!

BookwormMe2 Sun 27-Jan-19 11:02:27

topology444 Or the friend could employ a nanny that actually drives. Don't guilt trip the OP into continuing an arrangement that's stressing HER out.

Pinkbells Sun 27-Jan-19 11:02:29

10 minutes out of your way several times a week soon adds up! Not to mention the responsibility of having another person's child in your car every day (sometimes, fine). Just say it's turned into a very regular thing, and you didn't mind doing it on the odd occasion but this is not working for you as you want to be able to go here/there/whatever straight after pick up. It's OK to be honest, people will take the piss if you let them.

Santaclarita Sun 27-Jan-19 11:03:03

topology444 the mother in question can afford a nanny so she can afford a taxi, she just can't be bothered to pay for one because op is currently providing a free service. She also can't be bothered to go and get her child and would rather op deliver him to her. Also, the op transporting him is hardly going to save the worlds environmental problems, that is the most pathetic excuse ever.

The woman should have thought about this before having the child, and she clearly did, she organised a nanny and a taxi. And then upon finding out op is able to provide a free service went 'well I'm not paying for a taxi when she's free' and just dumps the child on her. She is ridiculously cheeky and you need a back bone if you would actually keep doing this.

PositivelyPERF Sun 27-Jan-19 11:03:28

But she’s not desperate topology444, she already has a nanny and has told the OP, she doesn’t want to spend the money on a taxi, while the OP uses HER petrol to run the child 10 minutes out of her way. It may not sound like much, but that’s nearly an hour of extra driv8ng and petrol money a week. Why should the OP be out of pocket to save the CF money?

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 27-Jan-19 11:10:39

Not a friend.
She'll drop you like a hot potato, when you are no longer of use to her.
When you see her tomorrow, you know what to do.
Stop this arrangement now, with no apology. She has permission to leave work, plus, she has a nanny.
OP, next time she asks, tell her things have changed and it's no longer convenient. Watch the nanny pick up the child ! 😄

Zoflorabore Sun 27-Jan-19 11:12:57

Wow op she is extremely cheeky!

I live in a small close and am very good friends with several neighbours who have dc at the same school my dd attends.

If one of us has an appointment or is ill or whatever then a quick text is sent and it's no problem. If one of us is ill then the others will do both journeys but if not then the mum who has done the morning run will get a break for the afternoon run. We done keep tabs on who does what as it always works out pretty fair for everyone and we all benefit. Seems silly that 3 mums all walk to the same school and back everyday whilst living meters away.

This is how it should work op.
I think you will have to toughen up here and start saying no. She will soon get the message. Good luck smile

aethelgifu Sun 27-Jan-19 11:13:44

What pictish wrote. C'mon, 'I hate confrontation'. That's why you have become her mark, and that's exactly what you are, OP, a mark. You're not a friend, you're free help she's using because she's tight.

She gets the message. She just doesn't give a shit because she wants things her way. I mean, she shows up in the car park and shoves a child seat at you! She told you she gets you to do it because she doesn't want to pay for taxi fares. She's using you and she gets that but she continues to try it on because she sees you as a useful mug, not a friend.

“I’ve been meaning to bring up the school pick-ups. I have obligations left, right and centre and have decided I need to withdraw from this one. I want to be able to attend to things after school without the responsibility of getting (friend’s child) home. You’ll need to sort something else out with work or your nanny. I know it’s a pain but I really can’t help with it any more.”

This! All you do is text her this today. No 'confrontation', just a 'no' without apologies or justifications.

People like this usually drift away, too, when they find they can no longer use someone.

Holidayshopping Sun 27-Jan-19 11:19:04

For your friend it must be extremely stressfull and honestly it is a very bad set-up (which is not your problem.). I would offer one or two days a week and make sure she knows that you do her a huge favour. I am sure she already knows this but is desperate.

Why is it stressful?
Why desperate?!

She has a childcare arrangement in place!

Holidayshopping Sun 27-Jan-19 11:22:30

She doesn’t want to pay for the nanny’s cab fare. Why should she when you are there to do it for free!

pictish Sun 27-Jan-19 11:25:04

Good idea to send a text.

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