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To think the problem is me?

(35 Posts)
Buntybearbess Wed 23-Jan-19 22:30:06

There's a lot going on in my life at the moment and it's all rather overwhelming. I feel that if I could get my life in some semblance of order most of the problems either go away or ease up.

I also feel like I'd do a lot better if I could get out more and be proactive in meeting new people and making new friends. I'm generally unmotivated and undisciplined, I'd sleep most of the day and I'm up all night. I either sleep too much or too little, I eat too much or not enough and I'm so socially awkward at times it's painful. I need to stop biting my nails but I get so worked up and anxious that it's impossible, I can go for months without and then something will set me off and I rip them all off. (Although it's happening more recently at the moment).

How can I overhaul my life and how I present myself?
First point is sorting my finances like I've been advised by mumsnet posters.
Second I'm finding a decent hairdresser and getting my haircut and sorted as if nothing else it will make me feel tider.
Thirdly I'm sorting my room (uni house so only have my room to store stuff) out into a bag to give to charity and at easter my mum is going to take some of it back home.

Queenofthestress Wed 23-Jan-19 22:32:10

I set alarms on my phone to do things eg. Tidy up, work, go for a walk etc

showmeshoyu Wed 23-Jan-19 22:34:38

Exercise often helps when I'm feeling like this. Remove harmful things, booze, junk food. Give yourself some positive things to do. Tidying is also good, I often equate clutter or lack of cleaning with anxiety levels.

Theknacktoflying Wed 23-Jan-19 22:35:42

I find a to do list really helpful - it lists practically what steps I need to do in order to reach my goals (which are crystallised in to definite things) and I get a snap shot of what I have done and can see what I still need to do.

Be kind to yourself
Make your goals small and achievable - start one space at a time

Have you got a buddy who can help/keep you on track?

Be kind to yourself and small steps ..

gottastopeatingchocolate Wed 23-Jan-19 22:37:49

First of all, good for you for identifying that you want to make changes, and for starting your list! Sounds like you will be where you want to be in no time.
Your sleeping/eating patterns might not be the healthiest in terms of your wellbeing. With that, and the fact that you say you have lots going on and feel overwhelmed, do you think you might benefit from some kind of support?
I assume that you are a full time student - have you gone into Student Support to see if anything they offer appeals to you? Perhaps a few counselling sessions to support you in "getting your life in some semblence of order"?

Needcoffeeimmediatley Wed 23-Jan-19 22:38:53

Get some structure to your day.
Right a list and or set alarms for the following day to outline what you want to achieve.
Get your clothes out for the next day the night before.
I'm quite and anxious person and all those things really help me to have a productive day.

mrwalkensir Wed 23-Jan-19 22:39:38

yes to the finances/room tidying and haircut as they'll make you feel better about yourself....then take a deep breath and stop beating yourself up. You're probably coping better than you think - you're jus more aware than most of what your weak spots are. And yes - as the others said - just getting out in the fresh air - even 15 minutes

showmeshoyu Wed 23-Jan-19 22:41:24

Also, remember your body is designed to go with a normal daytime cycle hormonally (melatonin etc.) So you may be feeling the effects of going against the natural flow of things. Recognizing that what you're doing isn't the best is also probably making you more anxious.

Buntybearbess Wed 23-Jan-19 22:45:39

@Queenofthestress, I've tried this, it worked for a little while but I'm terrible with self discipline. The alarm would ring then and I'd do it the first few times then I'd start making excuses or I'd have a bad day/week and get completely out of the habit and just stop.

@showmeshoyu, I think the problem is my mood swinging from spiked anxiety to depression rapidly lately.

@Theknacktoflying, how do you use/format your to-do list. I have them but they're weekly ones which is helpful to see deadlines but there's not enough space for each day and it's often too overwhelming to see the week at a glance when there's lots of stuff crammed into small boxes.

Needcoffeeimmediatley Wed 23-Jan-19 22:58:30

Why don't you get a page per day diary for day-to-day activities/jobs and keep your weekly planner for deadlines?

Buntybearbess Wed 23-Jan-19 23:05:06

@Theknacktoflying, my friends are lovely but they're all naive and young for their ages and would be completely unable to support me with this. They'd try but it would get to them and I would struggle to tell them any of this or make myself vulnerable in front of them. To them I am the older, in control, fun but pragmatic one they can rely on when they're unsure or need something.

@gottastopeatingchocolate, yeah I'm a full time student and I think that is also part of the problem. My best friends and housemates are between 18 and 21 and I've just gone 24 and we have very different life experiences and they don't often understand the harsher realities of the world. I used the support when I was feeling suicidal at the end of summer/start of last term but I quickly got sorted and since I'm not high risk anymore it'll be almost impossible to see anyone. Student support isn't well funded tbh. The most difficult thing is that a lot that is overwhelming and going on can't be changed or helped and I can't do anything to help because they're happening at home but everyone is venting and using me for emotional support and making me feel like the worst person in the world for not being there to support them.

@Needcoffeeimmediatley, I use the sleepytime website to identify the best times to wake up based on the time I fall asleep, but I can and do just sleep through alarms regardless of the volume, which is problematic. But the website has helped, I always set my clothes out the night before because when I don't I spend the day in pajamas.

@mrwalkensir, I'm great at masking. To everyone it looks like I'm flying free with no worries but everything is crumbling around me. I'm a extremely self aware person so I can see any and all my flaws, but I can also see what I'm good at and everything positive in my life. Sometimes they're just unbalanced so much I start spiralling. Although your comment has reminded me that when I'm struggling I do better when I can write down how I am fortunate, I won't do that right now though because I think the mood I'm in I could sour milk just by looking at it. Think tomorrow morning I'm going to take a walk to the NISA that's 15 mins or so away. I need milk anyway and getting out will make me feel a bit better, but I don't want to go out walking now, it's too cold and too late.

@showmeshoyu, I'm most likely catastrophizing things I can sort out. Even if none of them can be solved quickly or easily, they can be solved with a little thought and effort over the next couple of months.

I'm going to have to start getting my weights out or going for my mile walks again. If the endorphins released by exercise don't help, I'll be too tired to over think at least.

Buntybearbess Wed 23-Jan-19 23:06:28

@Needcoffeeimmediatley, I've tried that but I've found that I do better with lists or things stuck on the wall where I can see them and not ignore them. Plus when I inevitably failed to keep a planner/diary that was just another thing to beat myself up about.

Theknacktoflying Wed 23-Jan-19 23:12:59

Bunty - mine is just good old A4 paper ! I write down every little step : crossing off the simplest task makes me feel like I am on the way to reaching my goals ... and then decide what goal needs to be reached
when ..

Do a shelf/section (or two) of your cupboard a day ...

CSIblonde Wed 23-Jan-19 23:13:12

A short list each day of max 5 achievable smallish things, so you aren't overwhelmed works wonders for me. So: check bank statement, order cats tablets online, call Council to collect junk in garden, make Dr appt, foodshop. You feel productive & in control & that you can achieve things. Crossing them off when done fees so motivating. And yes to getting your hair done. I feel a different women when my hairs sorted.

Needcoffeeimmediatley Wed 23-Jan-19 23:13:14

Ok, what about either sticky notes? Or some sticky blackboard adhesive stuff (sorry, no idea what it's actually called) it doesn't mark the walls/doors?
Pin board or white board?

Exercise is a must for me also, I really would try and get back into it if you can.

showmeshoyu Wed 23-Jan-19 23:15:16

I love whiteboards personally. You can write on them and put sticky notes on them!

Maybe make a Kanban board with Todo, In Progress and Done on or similar so you can see what you've acheived.

CSIblonde Wed 23-Jan-19 23:16:30

Forgot:for anxiety, catastrophising & destructive negative thoughts, CBT for Dummies is lifechanging. Can't recommend it enough.

Theknacktoflying Wed 23-Jan-19 23:21:04

Is anyone helping you with your anxiety.

Anxiety is such a time waster : it is easier said than done, but you need to find some time in your day for some physical exercise and something you enjoy .. reward yourself

Buntybearbess Wed 23-Jan-19 23:43:36

*@Theknacktoflying*, a cupboard or two each day sounds manageable. I'll stick up a sheet of A4 and write down my to-do list for tomorrow so that I can see it when I get up.

@CSIblonde, yes to keeping the list short. I find looking at a large to-do list causes me more panic than anything else. I hate it, which is why I struggle with the weekly to-do lists. It feels silly to say that getting my hair cut is a priority when there is so much going on but it's stressing me out like nothing else at the moment. It's too long, constantly in my way and irritating my face and eyes. I've had CBT, conventional talking and art therapy, non conventional group/activity therapy and I've seen several psychologists. It seems that sort of thing just doesn't work for me. I struggle to let anyone in and see how my brain works.

@Needcoffeeimmediatley. I have a small white board but it's too small to write anything useful so I'll be buying a bigger one to stick on my wall. I used to walk between five and eight miles every weekend. It was easier for me to get in and out of town to church on sundays than waiting for the bus. But I've moved so that isn't an issue or a viable option anymore. I do live really close to some really pretty lakes/scenery so I think I'll take up walking there. I'll start small and build back up to it. Hopefully I'll be able to get into the habit of walking at least one mile each morning to start my day and then again in the afternoon or evening when the nights get lighter when my anxiety spikes.

@showmeshoyu that type of board sounds good. I'll look into it and see what I can find. Seeing what I have done is usually a great help when I'm struggling to continue with tasks.

*@Theknacktoflying*. No one is helping. I don't look like I'm struggling and I'm not at a dangerous point so I can't access any support. It feels like I'm screaming into the void when I ask for help. I'm not sure how to reward myself when it often feels like I've done nothing that deserves it.

Iamdanish Thu 24-Jan-19 00:06:52

Oh dear, hugs to you 💐
You sound depressed, any chance you can talk to your gp?
If not a few things kind of help when I am down:
Stop saying "I should be doing this that etc", it will all come when you feel better.
Try to stop feeling responsible for situations out of your control (easier said than done) but getting into a state doesn't help.
Practice breathing exercises (eg 5 sec. In 5 sec. Out).
And this may sound odd but practice smiling, try - for a short period you feel different right away 😜
When a little better get some fresh air and clean 😀.
I am rooting for you 😀

Iamdanish Thu 24-Jan-19 00:12:10

Oh, and some say Bach rescue remedy helps, why not try?

GiraffePanda Thu 24-Jan-19 00:23:28

From your OP I'm getting a lot of negative self judgement. Honestly you're enough just now. As you are. However you're feeling. You don't need to do anything or change to be awesome. You're just awesome.

Please stop being so hard on yourself. Chill out. Do stuff you enjoy. Take a bath. Put on some uplifting music. Be good to yourself.

Buntybearbess Thu 24-Jan-19 00:31:52

@lamdanish, my GP either recommends CBT, which I have had and it doesn't work for me or SSRI's which I have had and they helped dramatically but then I had a massive psychological and physiological reaction to them. Mental health issues run in my family and I don't want to go down the path some of my family are on but I can't see how to pull myself out of it. It's so hard when I feel like I've had to fight everyday since I can remember to get to this point where I'm at uni and could be doing brilliantly, only for me to lose the ability to fight. And my friends have all had very privileged (if difficult in their own way upbringings) and cannot relate at all and most of the people I am around are very middle class or upper middle class and I am really not and they're lovely and there's no snobbery or anything but I just feel out of my depth and unable to contribute sometimes when I cannot relate to their experiences either.

Buntybearbess Thu 24-Jan-19 00:34:45

@GiraffePanda, I hear you. Tonight I am feeling very much like I'm not good enough and beating myself up for my 'failings', when I know for a fact if any of my friends were talking like this I'd give them a hug a cuppa and some comfort food, let them vent and then tell them to get a grip because all of the problems they're having can be fixed with a little work but that they needn't feel like there's anything wrong with them because they're enough as they are, they're just going through a rough patch and that's ok.

showmeshoyu Thu 24-Jan-19 00:37:13

Have you tried Mindful meditation? It has really helped me and is very simple to learn.

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