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AIBU?

To be angry at my mum?

93 replies

CookingMomma · 23/01/2019 13:56

She’s decided to move to Australia, we’re in the UK.

She’s just decided to go. She’s almost 60, single and reckons she can work for a year out there then retire.

She’s leaving behind me, my brother and my DD aged 3.

My brother has ASD and bipolar tendencies; he also has a blood disorder. He lives with my mum and she is his carer. He wouldn’t get an Australian visa, so her plan was to leave him in her flat. He’s never lived independently, he can cook and feed himself, but he can’t budget very well despite being taught on multiple occasions, he regularly runs up debts from over spending on video games, he works but needs to be reminded to shower or get a haircut reminders on his phone/calendar aren’t enough. She is also expecting me to “keep an eye on him”.

I am a single mother to a 3 year old DD, who has a disability of her own. I have her 85% of the time, do all of her care, all of her appointments, all of the Nursery runs. I do work in a very flexible role which allows me to work from home as and when I need to, but I can’t care for my brother. Plus I rely on my mum to have DD once a month to give me a break – you know so I can have more than 1 glass of wine – She offered this when I split with Ex and it’s not expected but it is nice to have a break and not wake up at 6am.

There’s also her elderly dad. I do my bit where I can but the care is shared mainly between my mum and her two sisters. Her sisters both work and fit care for granddad around their work. She also may never see him again.

I cannot go with her. I would love to but my support network is here, plus I know Ex doesn’t have DD much but I’d be devastated if he moved abroad with DD thus preventing me seeing her as often so I’d never do that to him. And I don’t want to spend all my holidays abroad in Australia, I haven’t even taken DD abroad yet so don’t know how she’d cope.

And my brother may never be able to visit her either as he doesn’t fly well and due to his ASD can’t fly alone, no way am I coping with a disabled 3 year old and autistic brother on a flight alone.

She’s apparently got it all planned out. Will go and live with a cousin of hers whose out there, apparently they’ve been talking about it loads. She’s going to be able to come back once every 2 years to visit.

I asked what happens if DBro loses the roof over his head as he can’t cope, she just said we needed to fend for ourselves now, and surely I’d not let my brother be homeless. I pointed out I am tight for space myself as I have a small 2 bed house which adapted for a wheelchair, she said he’d have to learn to sleep on the sofa then. I said what about her dad, and she says he wants her to be happy. What about your sisters and his care? They’d manage.

AIBU to irrationally angry that she just wants to up and leave me to deal with everything? I consider myself to be strong and independent but I can’t imagine just upping and leaving without a thought for anyone or anything else. She also has two cats who haven’t been factored into her plans. I’m all for fresh starts, but think you can have that without going to the other side of the world away from your family and friends - I know he cousins family too but she hasn't seen him since they were teenagers as he moved to oz at 18.

I’m not going to talk her out of it, but will be there to say “I told you so” when it all goes wrong.

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iklboo · 23/01/2019 13:59

Has she actually got a visa sorted out? It's more difficult to emigrate to Australia than just going out for a year on a work visa then just staying put.

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CookingMomma · 23/01/2019 14:01

Has she actually got a visa sorted out?

I have no idea, she has mentioned getting a visa but not sure what for.

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Sparklesocks · 23/01/2019 14:02

She doesn’t really sound like she’s thought it through. And yes as iklboo said has she confirmed a visa? I don’t know the full ins and outs of Australian immigration but normally you can get only go if you’re a student, or do the mandatory fruit picking etc (can be hard labour if you’re in your 60s).

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ForaSheepAsALamb · 23/01/2019 14:02

It sounds like she wants a break. Maybe she feels she's done enough for other people and needs to focus on herself, especially at her time of life.

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gamerchick · 23/01/2019 14:04

Tbh with you it sounds as if she's reached the end of her rope and wants to run away. It's unlikely she can emigrate to Australia, it's not that easy.

Does everyone depend on her as the strong person to go too? She sounds as if she has a lot on her plate and just has had enough.

Maybe look at from her point of view and see what you all can do to help?

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tillytrotter1 · 23/01/2019 14:05

I’m not going to talk her out of it, but will be there to say “I told you so” when it all goes wrong

With that attitude I'm not surprised she's going! Your children are your responsibility, how often on here are grandparents castigated for being 'too involved'?

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Tinty · 23/01/2019 14:06

CookingMamma

It sounds like your mum is exhausted after looking after your Dbro all her life, if she is 60 now, she is just thinking that she will spend her whole life a carer for her DS. Is there anyway she can look into assisted living for your Dbro. One of the places where people live independently with help?

I think as others have said it won't be as easy to go to Australia and work as your mum thinks it will. When friends went they had to have jobs first and jobs that they couldn't fill with native Australians. I don't know if it is the same now.

Could you help your mum find somewhere for your Dbro? After all if something happened to your mum who would look after him then? She may not go to Australia if the burden is lifted off of her shoulders a bit.

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User758172 · 23/01/2019 14:07

Although we obviously don’t know all the facts, I’d be very surprised if she can actually go to Australia! It’s a lot more difficult than she seems to think.

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Holymolymackerel · 23/01/2019 14:07

She's in cloud cuckoo land. Australia is very difficult to go to other than as a holiday. Work visas are limited and permanent residency is related to health, age, qualifications, having a job offer in place etc.

Healthcare insurance is expensive ( no nhs) rent, food, fuel are A LOT more expensive.

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totallycluelessoverhere · 23/01/2019 14:08

Well if she can get a visa then I think she is right to go. Sounds like she has spent her whole adult life looking after people: her children, her dad and now her grandchildren as well.
If your brother will struggle then perhaps you need to get an assessment by social care to ensure that his needs can be met.
Your ex has your dd 15% of the time by the sounds of it so you can drink your wine then.
I really haven’t heard any good reasons for your mum to not cause her dream of living in Australia. The reasons are all about other people and not about herself. She is entitled to live for herself after many decades looking after other people. It would be a real shame if she went to her grave never having had the opportunity to just be a bit selfish for a while in her adult life.
Your grandad is tha primary concern but he has two other daughters who can help out and if hey can’t manage then social care will have to step in and offer appropriate services.

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Hidingtonothing · 23/01/2019 14:09

Reading between the lines is it possible she's struggling and feeling too heavily relied upon by your brother, grandad, sisters etc? It does sound like she does quite a bit for other people and I do think some people just get to a point where they think 'what about me?', could that be what's happening do you think?

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CookingMomma · 23/01/2019 14:09

I never asked her to have my DD once a month, it was her suggestion and she regularly tells me she doesn't think she does enough for me.

I don't doubt she's got enough on her plate and wants to run away, but I don't see how I can help? I have suggested she speak to her sisters but she won't, I've told her to get help for my brother but she just says "It's ok".

I know I should have the attitude of "I told you so" but I just think she's not thinking about everyone else in all this. I'm sure there's ways we can redress the balance without her running to the other side of the world.

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gamerchick · 23/01/2019 14:09

Is there anyway she can look into assisted living for your Dbro. One of the places where people live independently with help

This sounds like more of a plan than stropping OP. Your mother needs a life of her own.

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justilou1 · 23/01/2019 14:09

Good luck getting a visa here in Australia if you’re over 50. Does she have relations here or a future husband perhaps? I’m not sure she will qualify. You might be able to relax.

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rebelrosie12 · 23/01/2019 14:10

Sounds like she deserves it! Working holiday visas can only be obtained if you're under 31...so she may struggle.

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CookingMomma · 23/01/2019 14:11

could that be what's happening do you think?

I suspect so, and I want to help but don't know how to. Part of the problem with my brother is he's considered mentally able to make decisions for himself but doesn't trust people, so he will just say no rather than trying anything new.

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wigglypiggly · 23/01/2019 14:12

I don't think you can just move to Australia, don't you have to prove you're financially independent and need a sponsor. She needs to look at working, don't they have a maximum age rule wnd they wont just pay her a pension after a year Ask her what arrangements she has made for the people she has been caring for. Does your brother need a referral to local services or the mental health team, tell her you cannot support him and he will not be able to live with you. What's his situation, is it her property they live in, does she own it, what about the bills and upkeep in the future. Your aunts can arrange extra care for your grandad if he needs it. The cats poor things can be rehomed if necessary. I think she needs to think it through a bit more.

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Raspberry10 · 23/01/2019 14:12

It sounds like she needs a break and this is in her head is the only way. But other than a holiday there is no way she can go and live in Australia. Skilled work visa cut off is 45 and there is no retirement visa anymore www.letsgo-global.com/migration-blog/age-limit-to-emigrate-to-australia/

Is she getting any support with your brother? It’s sounds like she’s at breaking point poor woman.

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TwoBlueFish · 23/01/2019 14:12

If she’s really going to do this then she needs to get social service involvement for your brother so that he has a care package in place before she goes. I can see it from her side, she’s 60 nearly at retirement, still with a child at home, still being a carer and probably feels like her life in slipping by and that all she can expect from her future is even more of a caring role (her dad, your daughter, her son) and this might be her last chance to have a life before she’s too old. Is it selfish? Quite possibly. Your brother is going to be the hardest hit which is why she must get social services involvement, at some point he will need to live independently whether she stays in the UK or leaves but it needs to be a slow managed process, not a bye see you in 2 years!

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underneaththeash · 23/01/2019 14:12

As PP have said she won't get a VISA anyway, so its not going to be an issue. But yes, I'd help her to get your brother into assisted housing.

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Drum2018 · 23/01/2019 14:12

If she goes just tell her you will not be taking over her role in your brothers life and that she will need to delegate that elsewhere. She's a grown woman who is putting herself first and you shouldn't berate her for that. However you don't need to pick up the slack when she's gone so let her know that's not an option.

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CookingMomma · 23/01/2019 14:16

I will look at referral to adult social services for my brother, but he has previously refused their help.

I was more concerned for the impact everywhere else. I will manage, I always do but can't pick up her slack, and care for my brother and granddad on top of my DD.

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Tatiannatomasina · 23/01/2019 14:16

I think she will only be allowed a temporary holiday visa which lasts a maximum of 12 months and she will not be allowed to work under any circumstances. I would ask her if she has looked into the visa side of things, as far as i can see she doesnt have a chance of moving here permanently.

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Pk37 · 23/01/2019 14:16

Sounds like she’s had enough and needs a break.
Whether this can actually happen or not as it’s not that easy , I’m not surprised she’s daydreaming about a quiet life in the sun

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Littleraindrop15 · 23/01/2019 14:17

I think you are selfish!! Your poor mum has had to deal with raising and caring most of her life and she's finally had enough. Your only thinking about how her move will affect your life. If she dies what are you going to do? Is that than acceptable for her to take a break as she is just a corpse. I would be encouraging and making better arrangements for your brother she's done enough and needs a life.

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