Possible assault from husband

[boymum9]

This is regarding possible sexual assault from husband, sorry this is long but I need some advice.

About 3 weeks ago I bought up with my H that I wasn’t very happy, there was nothing major but contributing factors included my lack of sex drive, we have two young DC’s, 3 and 1 and I’ve been exhausted and the past year doing everything in the house, I’m a sahm, no nursery/child care what so ever and family live far away. I said I’d felt no desire to have sex and it had been this way for months if not since younger dc was born. We’ve been back forth in discussion about it and it’s become a huge problem because sex is EXTREMELY important to my H.

We’ve tried to look to solutions to the problem and he’s helped more around the house, we’ve looked into councillors which we were setting up and he promised to give me some space when it came to sex, because one huge issue was his constant pestering for sex, talking about it, grabbing me if I walked past him, I’d hate to walk around naked and would rush to shower so he didn’t see me and make a sexual comment or try and grab my vagina (in a “joking” way apparently, or because I’m his wife he’s “allowed” to do it).

So tonight we were in bed watching tv and I fell asleep, I woke up to him touching my bum and putting his fingers in my vagina, that’s what woke me up. I jumped and he quickly said something alone the lines of “what’s going on? You were pushing into me trying to have sex” etc etc, I don’t remember everything he said. I didn’t think that was true because although I was laying on my side and he was behind me I was not up against him and was laid in the position I would be to sleep which would mean for me to be pushing against him he’d have had to have been on top of me which he wasn’t. Also I was asleep.

Something told me to brush it off and lay there and pretend to sleep to see what he’d do, and about 5 minutes later he was doing the same thing and masterbating thinking I was asleep. I just froze and I don’t know what to do. I laid there for about an hour waiting for him to fall asleep which he didn’t, so I got up pretending I’d woken to go to the toilet, he asked me if we were going to talk about what happened, he again said I’d been trying to have sex with him, I said that wasn’t the case and I was asleep, it was clear from what he was saying he was only referring to the time I woke up and doesn’t know I know he just touched me again while masterbating.

I have a history to childhood sexual abuse which he of course knows about, we’ve been together 11 years. I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do, am I over reacting? Does this happen a lot? I’m not happy in our marriage due to a lot of factors but he’s a great dad to our children and works hard for us. I just feel horrible now

[Fightingfit2019]

There was a thread on here a while ago with EXACTLY the same issue. Worth looking for it, there may be some useful info in there.

[Ragevibration]

No, that is not normal whatsoever and if anything, you are under reacting.

Disgusting sexual abuse. Start getting your ducks in a row to LTB. Pig.

[boymum9]

Fightingfit do you happen to know the title of the thread so I can search it?

[JasperKarat]

OP you didn't consent and he touched you sexually, the secund time you'd been explicit that wasn't what you wanted but he continued for his gratification while he thought you were asleep, it is sexual assault, I'm so sorry

[Mississippilessly]

What a disgusting man. I'm so sorry. Yes it is assault.

[Hidingtonothing]

I think this is the thread Fighting mentioned OP www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3442035-dh-touching-me-whilst-asleep so sorry this has happened to you

[jessstan2]

This really is gross. He has no right to do things to you without consent, it's disgusting.

A little consideration for you, a young mum with small children, is what you should expect from your husband. All he's thinking about is self gratification.

As mentioned, there was a similar thread a few weeks ago. The woman went to sleep in another room, her mum came round the next day to support her. Her husband said he was asleep at the time and was terribly upset, crying and sorry - he'd not done it before - but she was planning to give him his marching orders. I don't think she has been back so don't know how it all panned out. Maybe Mumsnet admin can find the thread.

You'll be well supported on here, boymum.

[blackcat86]

Sex may be extremely important to your husband but he doesn't seem to have any respect for consent or for what you want. This would be awful in any marriage but the fact that you were abused as a child makes it so much worse. You're living your life in fear of this man if you need to run to the shower so that he doesn't grope you. What is he actually doing to support you? I find being groped and someone constantly going on about sex the biggest turn off. I rarely say this on MN but I do think that you need to consider all of those things that are making you unhappy and boot the bastard out.

[cantchooseyourfamily]

So sorry to read this and hope you're ok. No it doesn't happen alot and it's not right at all. I would be leaving this relationship, he sounds pathetic and abusive, it's not normal behaviour at all and you deserve much better.

[Shoxfordian]

He sexually assaulted you. He knows you didn't consent and you were sleeping. His attitude to sex generally is entitled and disgusting.

If you're not safe sleeping in bed next to your husband then you need to leave him. Don't accept any excuses and leave.

[TaintforTheLikesOfWe]

You need to tell him you know about the second time and his wanking off. It adds massive weight to your case. If you want to stay with him or if you want to leave he needs to know you know about the whole thing, not just his first assault that he knows you know about,

[justilou1]

Absolutely clear cut assault. Nothing possible about it. Don't question yourself or allow him to try and minimise your feelings on the subject.

[Fightingfit2019]

@Hidingtonothing yes that’s the one

[Puddingmama2017]

That thread may have been mine, if that helps.

[Fightingfit2019]

When someone touches you without your consent it is assault no matter who the person is. I would be afraid that he may have done it to you in the past, which is a sicking thought to be honest. Hope you are okay (obviously not but as best best as you can be).

[Pernickity1]

I’m in a very similar situation to you OP in that I have children the same age as yours, sex drive since DC2 is all but gone/DH obsessed with sex etc. i can really relate. However my DH hasn’t done what yours did ( he sleeps in the spare room mainly). You are definitely not being unreasonable and I would feel just like you if my DH did that. He’s an entitled scumbag to do such a thing, particularly knowing your history of abuse. I would never be able to trust him again and it would be the end of the relationship for me. I’m so sorry OP

[Outnotdown]

Such a betrayal of you op. I'm sorry Women's aid may be able to advise you

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

What sort of advice are you looking for ?

Here, you will be told to leave him and given all the help that entails. But do you want to leave him?

Are you going to prosecute him for sexual assault?

[boymum9]

Thank you for the replies.

I don't really know what advice I'm looking for, maybe just validation that I'm in not being stupid about it or overreacting?

I didn't get to sleep until 5.30 this morning so had about 2 hours sleep! I just bought it up with him and his replies make me feel like I am over reacting? He said the first time there is no way I wasn't aware of what I was doing, I was fast asleep I'm sure I wasn't doing what he said!! And so I asked him about the second time and he looked embarrassed, said he only did it for a couple minutes and didn't even "finish"...!!!

[boymum9]

And also, yes leaving him has been on my mind purely because I've been unhappy for quite sometime, but I couldn't put my finger on what, the sex stuff in generally is a HUGE part of it and it's something we've discussed and which he said he'd work on. We were going to go to counselling to see if we could work through any issues we had

[Queenofthestress]

I would seriously leave, it is sexual assault hell every time he gropes you as a 'joke' when you clearly have stated several times that its not comfortable with it is sexual assault. I'm not surprised you're unhappy and I would honestly leave

[Shallishanti123]

He’s minimising what he’s done - not good as he either doesn’t see it as sexual assault... or he does but thinks it’s ok to do that. Either way that’s not good.

Hope you’re ok, OP. I think you need to think about what you want going forward.

[GB54]

It is assault. Please consider leaving. I hope you’re ok.

[boymum9]

I don't know how to reply to him minimising the situation, and I don't know if it's all enough to give him a valid reason to leave, I don't want to upset the lives of our two sons, I keep thinking that they will be better off with their parents together despite everything. I don't know, I don't know what to do or what to say.