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To be upset and want to let it be known

(16 Posts)
coco2891 Tue 22-Jan-19 23:41:29

My son has suspected autism - assessment in a couple of weeks after a 15 month wait 😖
Anyway - he has meltdowns in public and its starting to get me down people staring at us and shaking their heads . I'm usually too busy trying to calm the situation to say anything but it's really starting to piss me off now. I know sudden screaming is going to make people look -that doesn't bother me , it's when it's really noticeable/obvious. I just want to scream and cry myself when this happens.
A woman was shaking her head at us in a book shop the other day and i was kicking myself afterwards for not saying anything (he wanted a £50 soft toy octopus 😫)
I know I should just ignore these people and get used to it but on days I'm really struggling I want to let it be known that blatantly staring at us / pointing / or shaking their head is rude and makes it worse -any suggestions ? That don't make me look gobby 😅

whatsthepointthen Tue 22-Jan-19 23:54:16

Just be glad they dont say anything! Ive had people make nasty comments about my asd child on more than one occasion!

OlennasWimple Wed 23-Jan-19 00:01:32

I hear ya

Usually I have a pretty thick skin and can ignore it. Sometimes...not so much

I did once march up to a man who was muttering under his breath (so loudly everyone could here) that I should have removed my DC from the building so that "no one else had to deal with it" and tell him that I was glad that he had clearly never had to parent a child with additional needs, which took him back somewhat (DD's are very hidden issues)

But normally I settle for getting her out of the situation as quickly and quietly as possible and hoping no-one I know has seen us

KrispyKremes Wed 23-Jan-19 00:01:39

I've heard of people giving out cards before. Basically that explain the child has autism and can't help their behaviour and the person judging should be less of a dick.

I'm sure they can be ordered online xx

LakeIsle48 Wed 23-Jan-19 00:08:19

That woman was being a bitch. You poor thing that was a tough situation. If you feel you must say something try to have a sentence ready. You could say something like 'he doesn't really cope in a crowd'. If anyone is openly rude do your best to ignore them. Reassure your little boy and leave if he gets very worked up.

Everyone's life can be very difficult. My DD has an invisible mental illness. She's in her early 20's and when she's struggling her demeanour can seem a bit strange. It can be embarrassing but focussing on reassuring her helps her and really that is all that matters.

Any grown adult who stares at someone in distress needs to take a serious look at themself.

You hold your head up high. If you need support for yourself reach out and get it. flowers

CarolDanvers Wed 23-Jan-19 00:21:10

I used to say "it's ok, she has autism, no need to stare". They'd stop staring immediately. Occasionally someone lovely would ask if I needed any help. I've never forgotten those lovely women especially the one who stood between onlookers and dd and I while dd was attacking me, and quietly asked people to move along when they stopped to stare and comment. I always wished I had got her full name but we were just so stressed and upset. You'll get used to it OP, my best tip is don't make eye contact, concentrate on your child. If you can't see them staring and nudging then it isn't happening.

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 Wed 23-Jan-19 00:21:25

Really crap I know but not all people are like this just ignore them and focus on ur child thanks

Fightingfit2019 Wed 23-Jan-19 00:51:54

I’ve worked with children and adults with additional needs, mental health issues all my working life, teaching, training etc.

Me and exdp was in a certain food store years ago, and could here a child screaming and a crowd was building. So being the nosy person I am, I pushed my way to the front, and a young boy was having a complete meltdown and mum looked like she was about to join him.

So I turned to exdp and said go to the other side and don’t let anyone down. So I moved everyone along at one side with a ‘there’s nothing to see’, whilst he done the same at the other end. We then stopped anyone coming down the aisle ‘could you come back in 5 minutes thank you very much for your understanding’. And within about 10 minutes he calmed down.

The hug I had off mum was the tightest hug I’ve ever had. She than thanked me and said he had autism, which I’d already guessed, and said if we hadn’t intervened when we had, she probably would have ended up on the floor next to him, because she felt like she was at breaking point, and was on show as everyone shook their heads at her parenting.

Tippexy Wed 23-Jan-19 00:59:33

🏅 @Fighting

Hidingtonothing Wed 23-Jan-19 01:16:00

No advice sorry OP, just hugs for you and two fingers up to the mutterers and tutters on your behalf. I don't have a child with additional needs but can't understand why anyone would react like this to a parent and child both having a shitty time. Please know we're not all judging, some good ideas on this thread for those of us who would like to make those moments a bit less shitty but don't quite know how too so thank you for that flowers

justilou1 Wed 23-Jan-19 01:21:43

Oh you poor thing! Big hug! My cousin has three out of four with autism. (And for those who ask why she had four kids if she knew she had autism in the family - a) None of your business, b) They are all close together and she had no idea until they were diagnosed at the same time and it was too late! (Two are twins) c) Get stuffed!) Going anywhere is a nightmare and she frequently has to cancel. She has no sleep. Her house is a battlefield. (Her words) Her brother and I often take over for a couple of days here and there to give her some respite. (Neither of us can do it alone.) She feels the weight of everyone's judgement also. She constantly feels like everyone looks at her parenting, and can't or won't see what is actually going on and empathising for her or her children. Some supermarkets in Australia are trialling low-lighting/non-musical times so parents of kids with autism can come without that extra stimulation. I have to say I prefer it myself as well. (Not because of the kids, but because I loathe the music!!!)

Fightingfit2019 Wed 23-Jan-19 01:52:27

@justilou1 it’s nobodys job to make a judgement on the number of children she had. Doesn’t matter if she wasn’t aware of the autism before having the next child or not. It is her choice to the number of children she has. I’m sorry that she’s experiencing negative responses from judgemental people. It sounds like she’s doing a good job though. She’s likely she has you and your brother to help provide some support. That will make a big difference.

2isur2isubicurtis4me Wed 23-Jan-19 02:22:08

It does get easier x you get another skin and as people have said if you say it's okay they have autism most people are actually lovely. You have to take a step outside yourself and people do stare because they can't work out what is happening or if they should help, some people are frightened by what is happening or wondering if the child is being hurt in some way. once you look at what is occurring as an outsider it makes it easier to handle
with me I know people are thinking "no wonder he is being a brat when she is not telling him off" but it's best for me not to shout or get worked up because it just makes it worse but before I k ew it was autism and how to deal with each of them I used strict mum and wonder why I would end up in the car crying 10 mins after entering a shop or once worst still LEGOLAND after paying a fortune to get in.

You are a great mum x

CSIblonde Wed 23-Jan-19 02:30:25

What Carol Danverss said. People can be a bit slow to realise sometimes. I can usually tell as I worked with SEN children. It shuts down the judgy ones instantly.

Njordsgrrrl Wed 23-Jan-19 05:15:23

Definitely get the cards. I think the NAS do them. You can passively aggressively hand them to people, leave them on their tables at cafés just as you're leaving or get them laminated and flick them at folk wink

I'm past this stage now but had your exact scenario many times. It's so upsetting flowers

coco2891 Wed 23-Jan-19 07:07:27

Thank you so much for all the replies , I feel better already waking up to your support and suggestions . I'll have a look for the cards they sound like a good idea as my son wouldn't see me get upset or cross with anyone then. And I will still feel like I've defended him in some way.
Thanks again xxxxxx

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