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To think it's a lot easier to live alone

(74 Posts)
Asta19 Tue 22-Jan-19 18:30:42

I have read so many threads on here now about "couple problems". Arguments over money, over sex, over household chores. Lets not even start on the infidelity threads! Yes, I understand that those who are in good, harmonious relationships aren't going to post because they don't have problems to post about. Not in their relationship at least. But it seems like living with another adult just means so many compromises. I have lived with a couple of guys in the past (not at the same time obviously!) and yes it is nice to have someone ask how was your day (if they do that is!). Or to chat with. But I can honestly say I am so much happier living alone. I could meet the nicest, most accommodating guy in the world now and I still don't think I would ever want to live with him.

People who post about being lonely, wanting to meet someone etc, in fact people I've know in real life also, will say "I don't want to grow old alone". But this is precisely the time I do want to be alone! I'm 50 this year and I am done with compromising and having to please anyone else but me! One of the guys I lived with was 9 years older than me so he'd be nearly 60 now. His body was already pretty knackered back then from years of manual labour so I doubt he's in great condition now. He was also a total grump (part of the reason we broke up) so, had I stayed with him, I'd be with a grumpy old sod who I would probably end up caring for in old age. No thank you!

AIBU to think that it's exactly easier in many ways to just take care of yourself?

Ragwort Tue 22-Jan-19 21:32:56

I totally agree with you (although I do live with my DH of 30 years grin). Most of my single friends live a much happier life now we are in our 50s/60s than those with DHs/DPs (obviously there are some happy couples around!). My mother’s friend (they are both now in their mid 80s) went through a very acrimonious divorce when she was in her 50s & ex DH ran off with a younger woman. Now the ex DH is in a really poor state of health (friend actually visited him with their grown up children as he wanted to see her ‘before he died’); she openly admits that she now has the much better life than the new wife left caring for a very sick (& difficult) old man. Harsh but true.

Too many years can be spent compromising and not livening your own life as you want to.

DiaryofWimpyMumm Wed 23-Jan-19 12:19:53

I've not lived with anyone for 7 years now and live it. I still have 2 dc at home but ones almost 19 and the other nearly 15. I can't imagine living with a man now!

Tensixtysix Wed 23-Jan-19 12:22:00

I was watching that 'Lives in the Wild' programe last night and I thought that lady had a perfect life. Alone, but being able to keep people around her (at a distance). Bliss!

YetAnotherUser Wed 23-Jan-19 12:46:11

I've been single for 5 years, had plenty of dates and short term relationships since, but every single time I've come to conclusion that I much prefer being able to do my own thing without having to make any compromises.

Think I'm going to stay single now, unless somebody totally amazing comes along!

MaiaRindell Wed 23-Jan-19 12:47:33

yetanotheruser This is exactly how I feel.

PottyPotterer Wed 23-Jan-19 12:59:25

Heading towards my 50's and love living alone (well I have a 10 year old so not completely alone ATM). Spent most of my adult life living alone bar one 10 year live in relationship. That was enough for me. Don't think I could do all that compromising anymore and life's too short to be arguing over who's doing the dishes. My mum has 3 female friends in their 70's who share a gorgeous townhouse and they are the happiest women I know and all look much younger than their years they can also rock the dancefloor much longer than many of their younger peers, and have more style. Can't see me ever changing my mind, I've never been happier and it's been 20 years since I shared my home with another adult.

Racecardriver Wed 23-Jan-19 13:06:31

I think lovingwith other adults is only ever pleasant of your house is sufficiently large to ensure that everyone has their own space and at least some of those adults are full time staff. Otherwise you end up in a situation where either you have to keep everything perfectly clean all the time or your mess ends up in the other person’s way.

peachgreen Wed 23-Jan-19 13:07:55

I preferred living alone to living with any of my exes. But I like living with my DH most of all.

SiliconHeaven Wed 23-Jan-19 13:08:07

I’m Widowed. It’s shit being on my own

thecatsthecats Wed 23-Jan-19 13:11:46

Ahhh, I do like it when DH is away for a week.

I think I'd struggle living alone altogether, but I feel like socialising with him, and the things we sort out together are just so much easier by oneself.

For example I like to write, and if he's there, I have to plan to do it before he gets home for quiet time. If he isn't, I can sort myself out and relax first rather than do it in a rush before. There are so much more hours if you don't have to share them.

Unfortunately, that's the also the problem for me.

secondarymincepie Wed 23-Jan-19 13:14:39

I live alone after my partner left me for another woman.
It's shit. I work long hours and miss coming home to the a warm house, dinner cooking etc. I miss having someone to split the housework with (not that the ex did much of it), having someone else to feed the cats, to do share the practical and financial burden of the houses ukeeep and DIY etc.
I'm 31 and most of my friends have families of their own, seeing them happy with their children in their chaotic, warm homes and then going home to my own money-pit of a house isn't fun at all.

Threehoursfromhome Wed 23-Jan-19 13:24:19

I've lived on my own most of my adult life, bar a couple of years with housemates. I do prefer it but that said, there are downsides. Obviously, being solely responsible for the mortgage and all bills means being a lot more limited with what you can purchase in the first place, and that losing a job is a real concern. The only financial benefit you receive is 25% off council tax, which isn't a lot given that bills for a single person are always more than half than for a person in a couple.

There's also things around house maintenance which I find difficult - if someone has to come around and give a quote/ do work on the house it's always me that needs to stay in/ take annual leave/ work from home. There is some DIY which I prefer not to undertake on my own, but it's not always possible to have friends round when doing stuff like cleaning gutters/ up a ladder pruning trees.

In some ways two people together cause more chores in some ways less - only one person needs to mow the lawn/ paint the fence/ renew the insurance no matter how many people live at an address. And often friends who live with someone have more spare income to pay for a gardener or cleaner

So I think it probably evens out. In some ways it is easier; in others it is harder. I wouldn't say it was much easier for everyone. I know my mum was shocked when my dad died at how much more there was to do. They had quite a traditional relationship where she did cooking, cleaning, washing and he did garden, home maintenance and car.

lidoshuffle Wed 23-Jan-19 13:26:18

Perhaps it's the introvert-extrovert thing? I love living on my own - I can shut the front door and be at peace in my own space, or go out and do what I want to socialise.

I really don't think I would be able to compromise and live with someone now. My best friend, in contrast, hates having to spend a night in her own home alone.

Asta19 Wed 23-Jan-19 13:27:47

I think if you can meet that person that you can live in harmony with, then that's great. But I do think that's very hard to find. I have an aunt and uncle who have been together nearly 50 years. I really believe their relationship works so well because they spend a lot of time apart! They've always had separate hobbies, although they enjoy dog walking or hiking together. They go on holiday together but both would go off on holiday separately with other friends also. They don't eat together every night as one of them is often out. So the times they do sit and eat together they have lots to talk about. I'd probably work a lot better with someone like that but all the men I've dated are just "there" all of the time it seems.

I think this is why age is relevant to me now too. If I met a man in his 50's he could well be heading into retirement and I struggle enough to have someone else around when they have a job! Having a man under my feet all day would drive me potty in a week!

@SiliconHeaven
I'm sorry for your loss flowers
I understand it's not the same for all of us, and loving someone and losing them is so painful.

Asta19 Wed 23-Jan-19 13:33:52

Perhaps it's the introvert-extrovert thing

I think you're probably right. I do see my home as my little sanctuary from the world. It's like my little nest! But, as some pp's have said, some people find an empty home uninviting. I can be sociable when I want to be but I do find it a bit draining and look forward to getting back home!

Pernickity1 Wed 23-Jan-19 13:41:06

I agree with you OP. I often think my relationship would be better if me and DH lives in separate houses. I think it’s mainly because our standards of hygiene are too different and he talks ALOT. With my ex he was much easier to live with in the sense he was just as much a neat freak as I am - but he was a bit of a grump and that got tiring too.

My mum divorced from my dad ten years ago and im often envious of her life! She has a partner but they live a few hours apart so only see each other every second weekend, so have lots of fun and laughs when they meet. She has lots of friends and family so is always out and about, yet she gets to come home and shut everyone out if she wants some down time (which she loves). She watches whatever she wants on the Telly, she cooks what she wants and her house is always lovely and clean. I truly think she has the perfect set up. Considering divorcing DH when the kids are older so I can emulate her life grin

JacquesHammer Wed 23-Jan-19 13:44:31

I’m divorced, been single for 5 years now. I have a DD but alone from adult company.

Absolutely no desire to have a relationship. I’ve turned dates down etc.

I had never lived alone ever until we split up. Now I can’t think of anything better smile

darkriver19886 Wed 23-Jan-19 13:45:50

Been living on my own for six months. I love it! I can watch whatever I want, do whatever I want. I lived in supported housing for a while and it felt so stressful as people didnt seem to be capable to clean up after themselves.

However, I miss the company.

DonCorleoneTheThird Wed 23-Jan-19 13:49:13

It's easier when it's your choice and that's make you happy. It's pretty grim when it's not a choice.

I lived alone when I was young, I had a blast.
Nowadays, I would be miserable without my DH. He's not perfect, but neither am I. I can't say that anything feels like a compromise - we still have young kids, so we have to focus our lives around them anyway.
Once they are old enough and leave the house, we can be back to enjoy each other's company. We share the same goals, the same main interests, so it's easy to do things together.
We also both have our own space if we need.

I am with someone by choice. If I am invited to a wedding without him for example, I decline the invitation. I could go on my own, I just don't want to. It might be different when we are both retired, but we currently don't see enough of each others. We have to keep messaging each other all day because of work.
I hate going on holiday on my own, and my favourite person to go with is DH. I have a much better time than when I go with my sisters.

What is wrong is judging people for making different choices than you and living a different life. It's not right or wrong to be single or live alone, and it's nobody's business.

PeridotCricket Wed 23-Jan-19 13:52:00

I find the constant compromising really hard....I'm a step mum too so it's all the kids not just DH. I feel like the last 10 years have been one big compromise and I'm not entirely sure being with in a relationship has balanced that out.

I haven't lived my life the way I would have done if I'd been on my own...sometimes that's a good thing...but not always.

leslyrachael19 Wed 23-Jan-19 13:56:29

I'm another one who loves living on her own. Youngest daughter just moved back from uni, but she won't be here forever, but i do love the freedom of doing what i want, where I want, how I want... I would say that initially it's a bit daunting, but once i'd got past that, it was great!

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed Wed 23-Jan-19 13:58:59

I’ve been single for the last 11 years and would like a relationship

Have had casual relationships but I do still want separate lives I don’t want to live with anyone

I do feel lonely at times and miss having someone about, sex, companionship but I have never felt so lonely as I have done in an unhappy relationship that’s a far lonelier place to be

jessstan2 Wed 23-Jan-19 14:01:12

Yes it is far easier to live alone, especially as you get older. You can still have a 'special friend'.

Ginkythefangedhellpigofdoom Wed 23-Jan-19 14:03:29

I adore my Dp we've been together very happily for 16 years. He is good around the house and also cooks so in theory things should be great but I still think it would be lovely if we both had our own places.

I think the best situation for me would be stay together and spend lots of time together but we each have a house next door to each other blush

I think it's because I'm an introvert but also probably because I have health issues and want everything my own way but that's not possible or fair if you share a living space. So we compromise because we love the other and care if the other is happy. if I had my own place I wouldn't need to compromise

flowers to everyone who lives alone not through choice but because of losing someone or not finding the right person. That's obviously very different from lightheartedly saying they want their own room.

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