AIBU or is DH re. DS’s hobby

[CoffeeChocolateWine]

Interested in getting some perspectives on this. Our DS is 10. Since the age of 5 he has been taking part in a sport as a hobby. It involves training on a Saturday and a competitive match on a Sunday during the season. For 5 years he has shown quite admirable commitment to this but over the past year or so he has been losing enthusiasm for it. I should also add that I wouldn’t say he is hugely talented at it...he’s decent and he gets enjoyment from it and likes the social side of it. However, we’ve noticed that he doesn’t always want to go to his training or he’s not putting enough effort into the competitions. He’s lost the passion for it and he admitted this to us about a year ago.

DH’s response to this was that he needed to spend even more time doing it, to practice more and to reignite the passion. So he started practising with DS in the garden and at the park at whatever opportunity they could get. Initially I was pretty supportive of this and DS was enjoying spending that time with his Dad, sometimes his performance in his hobby would improve a bit but it was very up and down, but it was still very clear that the passion for it had gone.

DH has been getting frustrated by it in recent months (he’s taken to taking DS to pretty much all of the training and matches whereas we used to take it in turns). He often comes back annoyed that DS has not put enough effort it and hasn’t done very well. Two weeks ago he ended up having a bit of a go at him about it that he (DH) is putting a lot of his own time into practising with him and supporting him but DS doesn’t put the effort in.

It ended up with DS admitting that he want to stop his hobby. I told him that if ha’s what he wants to do then that’s ok, after all hobbies are meant to be fun and something you really love doing. I also said that it would give us an opportunity to try something new and find something that he does feel passionate about. He seemed up for this and we talked about some things that he might like to try. DH however was very quiet. He later said to me that I gave him a very negative message that ‘quitting is ok’ and keeps saying “I’m not having a quitter for a son”. He’s now talking more and more about spending even more time doing this hobby! This seems ridiculous to me. He’s 10 years old and has been committed to his hobby for 5 years. Now he wants to try something new because he’s decided that the sport he discovered at the age of 5 isn’t his passion. I’m getting frustrated with DH’s attitude because I feel that by spending all his time doing a hobby that he’s not passionate about, we’re holding him back from finding the thing he is passionate about! But DH has got a bee in his bonnet about him being a quitter.

Who is being unreasonable?

[TeaStory]

Your husband is being totally unreasonable. That business about “not having a quitter for a son” is full-on toxic masculinity bullshit.

[Wolfiefan]

He’s not a quitter! He’s done this for 5 years. So half his life. Sometimes they outgrow certain hobbies. Your DH is nuts. Is your son never to be allowed to give up anything?

[BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty]

YANBU. But your DP is. Five years is a long time to stick to one hobby. Let your DS have the chance to find something new, or to e noy weekends as home times.

[MatildaTheCat]

Your DH obviously. I’ve seen many parents- mostly dads get really involved in their sons sport and thus don’t want to give up what has also become their hobby.

I suggest that in the name of not being a quitter you ask your DS to finish the season and attend all training as well as matches. Then he can try some other activities and see what he would like to do next.

Your DH can choose if he wants to get involved again but if he wants to stay immersed in football/ rugby perhaps he should join a club himself.

[IncyWincyGrownUp]

Your husband needs to back off. Just becuse he loves the hobby doesn’t mean his child has to. Your son gave it an extra year and still wants to quit, you can’t ask any more of him than that.

[GemmeFatale]

Does your DH still participate in the hobbies he had aged 5?

No? Fucking quitter, setting a shit example to your son. He’s let his team and his family down, but most of all he’s let himself down.

Obviously let your son try some new options.

[theclockticksslowly]

Your DH is being unreasonable. I agree with you - hobbies should be enjoyed and clearly your DS is not enjoying this one anymore.

It doesn’t sound like it’s a snap decision on your DS’s part - his interest has been dropping for a while.

I can understand that it may be a little disappointing for your DH after years of taking him back and forth to training/games and supporting him but he needs to respect DS’s decision.

DS should try some other activities.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

Your husband has a serious attitude problem and he needs to reassess his behaviour ASAP before he turns your son into one of those insecure, overly pressurised teenagers who struggle to cope with the pressure they feel their parents are placing on them.

Your son needs reassurance and the chance to try new things, not a single minded focus on one sport at the expense of his wellbeing.

[Ginnymweasley]

Hobbies are meant to be fun. Your ds isn't having fun so of course he should stop doing it. Your dh is been ridiculous.

[MerryMarigold]

It's really damaging and I'm glad your son is able to say he wants to stop not just carry on to please his Dad. Tell your Dh that his behavior is damaging your son's self esteem. Ask him if he'd like a confident child? Try a musical instrument or another sport. Maybe he's not sporty and dh will need to suck it up.
I can see your dh may be upset that he's tried his best and not got the results he hoped for, but he should think before he lets his son see this.

[RiverTam]

Your DH is being a dick.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

By the way maybe your husband would like to read this. It’s about what happens to a child athlete with an overly pushy parent when he grows up. It’s an extreme case but it’s an incredible story, beautifully written and well worth reading.

www.si.com/nfl/2019/01/11/todd-marinovich-dad-marv-quarterback-drugs-rehab

[bridgetreilly]

I think son needs a break. He might decide after a few months that he misses it, or he might find something else he'd rather do. At 10, he needs to know that he still has all the options open to him, not be forced to keep going with something he's not enjoying at the moment

[Singlenotsingle]

We all do this as we go through life. We take up something, do it for a while, then lose interest. Quite normal. Tell DH to do it himself if he's that interested, and let DS get on with his life, doing what he wants to do.

[bsc]

Your poor DS! He shouldn't continue something he isnt enjoying just to please his father. What a Victorian attitude!

[PlainSpeakingStraightTalking]

Your partner is living his dreams through your son.

However consequences of giving up the hobby need to be explained - ie the social side also falls away.

But I dont see the point of making a child unhappy because they dont want to do it any longer

[Birdsgottafly]

Your Son didn't really pick the hobby, at five years old, so he's really just quitting what was chosen for him.

Pick a hobby for your DH and tell him he's got to stick to it for at least five years.

I agree that it's toxic masculine bullshit. It's nice to try different things. You should change as you grow.

My passion is weightlifting, which naturally I wasn't introduced to as a child. I didn't have a love for walking, either. I'd now struggle to do the long distance hurdles, I once liked. I've gone off sewing and baking. But Gardening/DIY has taken over.

Your DH is an idiot.

[FromDespairToHere]

Absolutely your H should force your DS to carry on, just as long as he wants him to hate the sport and hate his father.

H needs to recognise that DS is a person in his own right, and that not many people carry on a hobby from when they're 5 for the rest of their lives.

[EvaHarknessRose]

Tell DH the world does not revolve around football and the world won't judge him for having a son that doesn't like football but will judge him for behaving like an idiot towards him.

[BingoBamBam]

God I hate the use of the word hobby on mumsnet. Just say football or rugby or whatever even football golf is not outing these days. Anyway that aside it sounds like it's a male pride thing or he would genuinely miss taking his son to the training etc and is putting on a bravado about it to avoid saying "but I love spending time with you doing this" either way I'd just say look its his choice he is 10 and he wants to try something new. That's that.

[NigelMolesworth]

Your DH is being totally unreasonable.

'Quitting' is giving up after 3 sessions because it starts to get a bit harder, not trying something for 5 years and then deciding it's not for him.

If your DH had been doing a job for 5 years and came home and said, 'I'm not enjoying this anymore so I'm going to look for something else', I think he'd be upset if you said he was a quitter.

Age 10 is the time to try lots of different things and find out what you like and what you don't / what you're good at.

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

It sounds very much like it has become your DH hobby as well. How would you feel about DS doing a different hobby but DH sticking with the same one helping with the coaching and things?

[BiddyPop]

Your DS is to be admired for having given it another go in the past year, doing extra training with his DF, and keeping at it even when he no longer enjoyed it.

If your DH wants DS to have a sport that he will enjoy into adulthood and maintain lifelong fitness, friendships and outlet outside of study/work, then he is going about it in completely the WRONG way!!

He needs to recognize that DS has given it a good shot but does not enjoy it, and to explore other options that DS might actually enjoy now. Tastes change over the years, and as people grow and develop their interests and personalities and skills, you have to allow them the space to do that. And to give them choices - there needs to be a certain amount of autonomy in this, or else DS WILL quit as soon as he is able from THIS hobby, whereas he may find something else that he loves and continues to love, and would never actually "quit" from.

He will learn different skills of that new hobby, as well as learning about fitting in and making different friends as well - which are all important elements of growing and maturing from a child into an adult - learning to mix comfortably with groups that are unknown to you but may already be well established.

[ILoveChristmasLights]

Is your DH obsessive about other things?

It’s definitely DH in the wrong here. Your DS has been doing this 5 years, he’s 10, it’s HALF his life, ALL of his ‘past toddler stage’ life. It’s not like he’s swapped hobbies every term!

He needs to be given the opportunity to explore do their things. Ignore your DH, talk to the coach about it and pull DS out.

[AdobeWanKenobi]

Dh used to run a lads and dads team on a Sunday. There was always the kid that was 'ok' at Football but the Dad wanted him to be the next Wayne Rooney and took it as a personal slight that he wasn't..
Much shouting from the sidelines from pushy Dad and the result a very deflated looking little boy who'd lost the joy of just kicking a ball about.

He's being massively unreasonable.