To resent my own family as they have more money than me?

[tacitonius]

AIBU? Ok maybe resent is not the correct word. I guess like everyone I just feel it’s unfair, that I have to work so hard for things given to others for nothing. I’m sure most people work hard.

My grandparents grew up in naice houses with domestic help. My dad too grew up with a stay at home mum and a dad who ran a family business, with cleaners and went to Eton but certainly not rich. upper middle class I suppose the pedants on mn would call it.

He was bought a very small house on a housing estate, where I was brought up. He worked around 30 hours a week and brought home a decent salary, we had holidays and I always had new school uniform. My mum worked very hard and did everything, absolutely everything around the house. He would always be abroad fishing or at the pub, where he would pretend to be from a normal working class background to fit in. Like the vast majority of the population, I went to a dire local comprehensive. We were always skint.

It seems he had everything and gave nothing.

Now working 50 hours a week and “highly educated” and making a good salary, I’ll still be unlikely to afford a decent lifestyle similar to his or be able to afford more than a tiny 2 bed flat here.

[Mercurial123]

I think YABU I was given nothing and made my own money. Over the years my income has risen and then fallen now I'm back to being financially stable. Don't expect anything from anybody money wise otherwise you'll just end up bitter and resentful. Maybe your dad was happier in the company of WC rather than upper middle class?

[Singlenotsingle]

So you had a secure childhood in a small house, had all the necessities of life and a good education. You've got a good job and somewhere to live. It doesn't sound as though you were mistreated as a child.

You sound the same as millions of other snowflakes resenting your Boomer parents for something they've got no control over.

[Fatasfook]

Are you annoyed that he didn’t earn more and give it to you? That’s weird

[Meralia]

I don’t understand what you expected him to give you? As you said, he had a modest house and worked 30 hours a week, did he have a secret stash of cash that you feel he should have spent on you?

[tacitonius]

Well yes in a way, especially when my mum was taking on a second job but he was going abroad.

I look at the friends similar to him from school and they all did well for themselves. My dad on the otherhand just enjoyed self indulging.

[Silkie2]

Problem is if you haven't experienced it yourself you aren't aware that it's horrid/ nice. He won't have a clue about the local comp, hell just see his pals in the pub sending their DCs and assume it's ok for you. He maybe was flogged at Eton or suffered other public school niceties.
He probably is short on empathy- all you can do is work at a plan to get out of your hamster wheel.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Your resentment of your dad shines out of that post, tacitonius That must be very hard to live with.

Reading it you are being VU. He had the choice to live as he chose and the differences between his childhood and yours aren't really relevant to you.

Then again if he did take much of the family money out of the family you are NU to feel he shortchanged you and is a selfish man.

But he is who your mum chose. He is who he is. You have to find a way to deal with that! Trust me, I am in my mid 50s and am still working on letting all the shite my parents pulled, and still pull. I know it isn't easy.

But I can honestly say that having managed to look at them dispassionately I can see them as flawed and unhappy individuals and, having pretty much gone NC wit them, I am now living my life as I choose to. It has been very hard at times but it as always been mine, made by me then by me and DH. It is ours - and yes I am fiercely proud and protective of that!

But I had to work through decades of resentment and FOG to get here. It was worth it though! I can only recommend you try to rebuild your outlook (like CBT). Learn to recognise what you love about your life over and above what you perceive as the slights and unfairness in it.

[Postino]

YANBU, your Dad could've helped you more and he didn't. It's often the case that it's not about the money, but what parents do with their money represents how much we feel loved by them.

You're not being greedy imo. I wouldn't make my dc struggle unnecessarily.

[Mercurial123]

You do seem very entitled OP. Maybe money wasn't as important to him as it is obviously to you. Sorry have no sympathy. You weren't bought up in poverty it doesn't sound as if you struggled and had a pretty normal upbringing.

[thecatsthecats]

You seem to have quite the chip on your shoulder there.

Did your mum work? Did she object to doing the housework? It may well have quite suited her to marry a man with a secure house and an income to provide you with a reasonable living who wasn't - as you complain of - working 50h a week.

The way you say that your dad was bought a 'small' house seems like a two-faced complaint. Like either your grandparents could have paid for more, or he could have earned more to provide you with a bigger one?

Either way, you really need to give yourself a shake here, because it sounds like you had a perfectly reasonable provision as a child, and now you have to deal with what your life circumstances are.

I have many gripes about choices my parents made (which often included really ridiculous levels of stinginess, leaving me to miss out on a lot we could have afforded easily), but I wouldn't dream of criticising the circumstances in which they provided my lifestyle.

[MysweetAudrina]

Not really sure where you are coming from tbh. You are an adult now and it's up to you to decide on what is a priority in your life. If it's money then go after that or marry someone who can give you the lifestyle you want. It sounds like your parents gave you a decent springboard to allow you to set goals in life. I really don't think parents owe children anything once they reach the age of 18. It's nice if they do but it's really up to the individual to pursue their own goals and dreams from then on.

[Namenic]

You’re Not as lucky as some, but luckier than others. Be thankful for what you have. Don’t think pining for a more luxurious lifestyle is gonna make you happier. Good luck.

[Xenia]

Presumably you won't be able to buy a house of the kind he bought because of the career you chose despite your high education. So it is your fault not your father's. Eg why are you not a London lawyer on £100k (may be you are but we don't know) or an NHS consultant www.bma.org.uk/advice/employment/pay/consultants-pay-england?

[NCjustforthisthread]

Yikes - you sound very ungrateful OP!

[tacitonius]

Xenia, what if I am one and dh is the other?

I do know I’m being ungrateful. I guess it’s also that the circles I mix in due to work seem to be like my dad’s family. Yet they have all been given a deposit or bought a flat etc

[ChariotsofFish]

Your Dad sounds like a selfish arse and the financial inequity just sounds like a focus for your anger at him. What sort of a relationship do you have now? Are your parents still together?

[SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst]

You’re approaching this very much from a ‘wah wah, what about me??? Why wasn’t he thinking of meeeeeee?????’ perspective.

Have you considered that perhaps he was thinking of you? That growing up as he did left him with his own demons and resentments, and that as a result he made a conscious decision to pursue a different life for his family?

Your views are filtered through the eyes of a child, and as such they can’t take account of everything that was happening at the time or what factors influenced which decisions. There are things I judged my parents for harshly in the past which, now that I’m older and have children myself, I realise I was naive in doing so, as they were doing the best they could, and they’re fallible people, just as we all are.

[3ChangingForNow]

Erm.... you're an adult go make your own money. It can be a passing grievance but don't act like a teenager. Sorry to be harsh but you need some perspective. Go and see a homeless shelter or watch videos on YouTube about Indian street children, and realise how damn lucky you are that you have food to eat and a roof over your head. If you want to be rich go out and make it happen.

[Racecardriver]

That is a bit unfair. He really failed as a father. But you can’t blame him alone. Why didn’t your mother earn a decent living? Why haven’t you worked harder? It’s a struggle for us as well but we know that that’s because we are primarily the ones who have failed. Of course we could point fingers at the despotic regimes which took all of our family wealth or our parents for making poor financial decisions leaving us without any inheritance but that would be immature. Grown ups are responsible for their own circumstances.

[thecatsthecats]

So you hang out with a load of trust fund babies.

Ugh. I have a friend who went to Cambridge and adopted all sorts of snobby habits from them. That sort of attitude is nothing to aspire to.

For what it's worth, my parents, as I mentioned above, lived an absolutely stingy lifestyle and still do. They own two properties outright as well as huge savings. Yes, I feel a little guilt that when it sadly comes to me I will not match their pecuniary lifestyle. But much, much more than that, I would wish that they lived life to the full and didn't live such a mean lifestyle to acquire this pile of cash for us in the first place.

[Postino]

It's perfectly ok to feel sad about how he's treated you. Of course you have to make the best of it, and it looks like you are, but yes it is a shame.

Sometimes we have to acknowledge our resentment and have it understood, before we can let go of it.

[SushiMonster]

It seems he had everything and gave nothing

Yup - he was the 'spend' generation. HIs parents were the 'earn' generation. And now you have to be 'earn' generation as well.

That is how it goes most of the time in families, generations of earn - spend - earn - spend - earn - spend.

[diddl]

Your dad does sound selfish.

To have had no mortgage & only worked 30hrs when the kids were small-what my husband wouldn't have given for that chance!

Perhaps it was agreed between yoyr parents that that was how it would be though with them both working?

Are your GPs still alive or are you wondering where their wealth went to?

[HAMGina]

I'm unsure what you are feeling resentful over.

You say you were highly educated and are making a good salary - so how did your working class childhood - which you seem to think was beneath you - affect that?

Loads of people don't have the same lifestyle as their boomer parents, not just you -welcome to the 21st Century!

If you've had a good education then your adult lifestyle is about the the choices you have made.

You sound like you are bitter about being denied some kind of class-based privilege

Maybe you should contact "the Establishment's Lost and Found department" to see if they've got your silver spoon!