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Being made to feel like an awful friend for not going to hen party abroad?

(79 Posts)
UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 15:52:44

(long story short) One of my oldest friends is getting married and is having her hen party abroad. I've said I can't go to 1)seriously can't afford £370 plus spending money 2)its school term time so would have to pay for breakfast club (dd already dies afterschool due to me and DH working).
Was told it was optional to come as she's having a (very posh) 'hen shower' (I'm clueless) in a (very expensive) restaurant 3 weeks before the wedding. I told her I couldn't afford to go but will come to the 'hen shower'. All seemed fine but I've had comments made when we've met up and her fiance actually say 'only her real friends are the ones going away'.ve also noticed I've not been invited to alot of other meet ups since. So really isn't optional is it? At this point Im feeling really uncomfortable and don't want to go to the wedding.

Piffle11 Tue 22-Jan-19 14:46:02

Thank your lucky stars that you've been given an insight into her true character. She can choose the hen party of her dreams - but she cannot force people to go. If you choose to stage a hen party or wedding abroad, you have to be prepared for people to decline to attend: money, holidays, childcare … it all needs factoring in. Your friend should be disappointed but understanding of your situation - the fact that she and her OH are making mean comments, and that you've been left out of coffee mornings etc for your own financial good shows that she is determined to deliberately punish you. I'd walk away from this 'friendship' and I wouldn't be attending the wedding.

balletclassonfriday Tue 22-Jan-19 14:00:15

You sound quite defensive Bluntness. Are you by any chance a bride who got a bit sulky when some of your friends couldn't attend your expensive hen do?

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 22:06:47

I got married in 2004, and my hen was a night out at the local chinese buffet and a day out at Alton Towers, with friend staying at mine instead of a hotel.

Ownerofalittlechimp Mon 21-Jan-19 19:59:33

I second what the majority are saying here, head up, ignore, you aren't the problem here op.

FWIW I've been in a similar situation except if was the CB that caused the issues. What started off as a reasonably priced night away quickly spiralled to a mega bucks weekend in a city we live 20 minutes from. I had to save hard for the original planned cost but when that went from £120 - £600 without any food/drinks or taxis i had to decline. The guilt texts, emails & PA Facebook comments were ridiculous & i was ignored by both bride & CB at the wedding even when congratulating etc. Funnily enough i don't see either of them anymore

IsItThatTimeAgain Mon 21-Jan-19 19:54:36

Sometimes it takes a wedding to realise a "friend" is actually a selfish bitch. :/

IdleBetty Mon 21-Jan-19 19:44:14

Sounds a bit Mean Girls to me, bitching behind your back.

They are not your friends.
Head up and move on, you don't need people like that in your life.

Applesaregreenandred Mon 21-Jan-19 18:48:01

Threads like this make me glad that I married in the early 90's when a Hen Do was a meal and a night out at a local night club!

HazelBite Mon 21-Jan-19 18:15:24

I've just had to Google "Hen Shower"
The clue is in the word shower ,no doubt there will be a gift list for this!

pootleposeyperkin Mon 21-Jan-19 18:05:09

Hen shower = wanky bollocks. I'd swerve the whole nonsense if I were you.

TulipsInbloom1 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:58:57

If it comes up with her I'd probably just say something like "sorry I didn't realise I had to pay to be your friend. See you round"

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 17:56:25

I woulden't be surprised if they are all talking about you behind your back, if they are like that to your face, how are they like when you are not there! And bride badmouthing you to them. I would not be surprised if they have not go a whatsapp group set up without you in it.

Jaxhog Mon 21-Jan-19 17:44:11

As several people have said, she's no friend. And if you lose her as a friend, it'll be no great loss. Let her throw her money around if she wants to. You don't have to do it too.

I've never understood this whole showing off, overseas, hen party, bridal shower, 50k wedding in a marquee stuff. It shouldn't be about who can spend the most money, but about celebrating a wonderful occasion with your best friends. And going somewhere that suits everyone.

danceyourselfsilly Mon 21-Jan-19 17:42:12

I have a vision of a load of wet chickens...
they sound awful tbh and probably fb addicts
If she is an old friend I would still go to the wedding and then maybe rethink your friendship?

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 17:34:29

So making you feelbad and singling you out, that's not nice.

Clionba Mon 21-Jan-19 17:31:47

YouokHun - yes, I hope so too!

Clionba Mon 21-Jan-19 17:30:53

That's nice Drum, and I bet your friends were appreciative.
I've got fantastic memories of great evenings in a little wine bar, or a local Italian restaurant etc.
A lovely night out, bank not broken, nobody excluded.

YouokHun Mon 21-Jan-19 17:28:09

*Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant.
Does nobody just do that anymore?*

I’m hoping the quiet majority just gets on with a simple night out and we don’t hear about them because their friends don’t need to post on MN in desperation.

Drum2018 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:27:15

Clionba I went as far as travelling to the area where the majority of my friends and family lived to have my hen, so that nobody had to pay for accommodation. We had a meal in a restaurant/bar/disco. Gone are the days ...

Coyoacan Mon 21-Jan-19 17:26:20

It sounds like they are weeking out their friends according to income. Sad

UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 17:26:17

Bluntness you don't happen to be my friend do you? Haha, just joking. I'm not going to list them, I've not been invited to coffee/lunch/meet ups because 'they know money's tight and don't want me to feel bad about saying no' it's the tone and manner things are said, along with 'Sally (friend who is going and not actual persons name) is a single mum and she's managed to come, you could get it (£) together if you really wanted to (Sally's dd and ds are 19 and 17), general passive aggreive things.

BBCONEANDTWO Mon 21-Jan-19 17:22:57

Even if you had the money you can't always get the time off and if it was me I would never go on a hen weekend abroad. I'd rather spend my annual leave and money going away with really close friends or OH.

You're definitely not in the wrong here - she is.

C8H10N4O2 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:21:42

Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant

^This

The escalation of hen/stag nights into overpriced foreign trips and of weddings into expensive three ring circuses isn't progress.

If you have a destination wedding/hen do then not everyone will be able to attend so you have a simple choice - is celebrating with your friends more or less important than an expensive trip?

If the trip takes priority over the friends' attendance then fair enough but snubbing them because they can't afford it isn't the mark of a genuine friend.

BasinHaircut Mon 21-Jan-19 17:19:28

The last of my close friends married last year.

Thank fuck that’s over is all I can say! Sick of the relentlessness of weddings. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good wedding (the actual day) but the rest of it I’m completely done with.

Clionba Mon 21-Jan-19 17:13:41

Some people must have a lot of disposable income.
Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant.
Does nobody just do that anymore?

YouokHun Mon 21-Jan-19 17:09:22

She’s probably expecting a gift for her ‘shower’, for the other Hen night, and a wedding present.

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