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Being made to feel like an awful friend for not going to hen party abroad?

(79 Posts)
UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 15:52:44

(long story short) One of my oldest friends is getting married and is having her hen party abroad. I've said I can't go to 1)seriously can't afford £370 plus spending money 2)its school term time so would have to pay for breakfast club (dd already dies afterschool due to me and DH working).
Was told it was optional to come as she's having a (very posh) 'hen shower' (I'm clueless) in a (very expensive) restaurant 3 weeks before the wedding. I told her I couldn't afford to go but will come to the 'hen shower'. All seemed fine but I've had comments made when we've met up and her fiance actually say 'only her real friends are the ones going away'.ve also noticed I've not been invited to alot of other meet ups since. So really isn't optional is it? At this point Im feeling really uncomfortable and don't want to go to the wedding.

UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 15:53:27

Does after school, not dies blush

Billballbaggins Mon 21-Jan-19 15:54:38

She’s not a very good friend OP.

allornuffin Mon 21-Jan-19 15:56:42

That's no friend... Take it she doesn't have children of her own yet? Sometimes people really don't 'get' that you can't just drop everything!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 21-Jan-19 15:56:54

She's not a good friend if she can't understand that you can't afford it and can't go during term time. I would still go to the wedding if you feel like it but would start backing away from that friendship.

Sorry, must feel a bit shitty for you though. flowers

Openandshut Mon 21-Jan-19 15:57:00

She's the awful friend, not you. It's ridiculous to demand that people spend a fortune on a hen party. If she wants to go abroad for it then fine but expecting everyone to spend hundreds of pounds to a accommodate her whims is ridiculous. I wouldn't be going to the wedding either if that's her attitude.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 21-Jan-19 15:57:43

Also, she's having a hen do abroad AND a 'hen shower' (whatever the fuck that is)? Sounds like we have a bridezilla!

LagunaBubbles Mon 21-Jan-19 15:58:42

A true friend would understand your reasons for not going. Hence well she's not a true friend really.

HollyGoLoudly1 Mon 21-Jan-19 15:59:53

It's shit isn't it. I had similar comments when I declined a hen costing about £800! I said I couldn't afford it as I was saving for a house (true, but even if I wasn't I couldn't justify that much for a hen). Then anytime I spent money on anything I got comments along the lines of 'oh I thought you were saving for a deposit' or when the house purchase got delayed by a few months 'oh that means you can come to the hen now?'.

Plenty of people will come along and say 'just don't go, noone is forcing you' etc. But it's the sly comments/insinuations that go with it. Yes, I'm a terrible friend because I can't/won't spend hundreds of pounds/annual leave/childcare costs etc. to spend a weekend with a bunch of people I mostly don't know, at a destination I didn't choose, doing activities that aren't my cup of tea confused

Openandshut Mon 21-Jan-19 16:00:42

You don't need to have children to realise that expecting your friends to spend hundreds of pounds on a hen celebration is incredibly selfish.

KitKat1985 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:02:08

YANBU OP. I don't get why people think that other people want to spend hundreds of pounds to go to some hen event. It's bad enough sometimes having to pay to go to weddings.

Lydiaatthebarre Mon 21-Jan-19 16:03:03

Yes that 'no children' remark is really stupid.

OP, this girl sounds incredibly self absorbed and her fiancé no better. Talking about 'true friends' when they obviously don't understand what that is.

Aria2015 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:04:15

It's fine for her to be disappointed but she should have anticipated that by choosing to have an expensive hen do away. I was MH for my friend and didn't go to her hen do because of money and she was totally understanding about it. Yes, she might want you there but she should understand the reasons you can't be.

Loopytiles Mon 21-Jan-19 16:05:39

No one can “make you” feel anything: your friend is being U as is anyone else who makes a negative comment or excludes you.

captainpantbeard Mon 21-Jan-19 16:05:51

You were told it was optional - it’s ALWAYS optional.

Don’t feel bad about this for one minute. Real friends don’t expect friends to fork out a fortune to feed their whims.

ShakeYourTailFeathers Mon 21-Jan-19 16:07:53

They sound really childish.

UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 16:08:44

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your words smile

Jackshouse Mon 21-Jan-19 16:11:12

What the fuck is a hen shower? Are you suppose to bring gifts

user1471590586 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:12:48

Did you say anything to her fiance when he made the real friends comment?

DarlingNikita Mon 21-Jan-19 16:13:41

That's horrible and she's not a good friend.

'her fiance actually say 'only her real friends are the ones going away''. He's a prize bitch too, isn't he?

LuckyLou7 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:16:33

A hen shower? What the fresh hell is this? Yet another way of getting people to part with their hard-earned cash?

OP, if this woman is blanking you because you can't go to her hen party - and that's a heck of a lot of money unless you are one of the lucky posters on here who have an unlimited disposable income grin - then she's not someone you want as a friend. Stuff her, and stuff her wedding. Go away for the weekend with DH and DC with the money you would have spent on new clothes/travel/accommodation/gifts.

Mayrhofen Mon 21-Jan-19 16:16:49

Bloody hell, how many more hen party threads are we going to have.

HundredMilesAnHour Mon 21-Jan-19 16:17:18

Unfortunately, no matter how close a friend you are, these incessant overseas hen weekends (and weddings) always seem to cause issues with the bride and her friends. Not physically having the money, or not wanting to blow what little money you have doesn't seem to be accepted as a reason for not being able to attend - I suspect because the bride is well into the throws of bridezilla by this point and obviously hers is THE most important hen weekend/wedding ever.

Try not to worry about it OP. You have to put yourself first as only you know your situation. Ignore the snide digs or reduction in invites. It's their loss, not yours. Hopefully your friendship will recover but if this is the hill your bride friend chooses to die on, you're better off without her in the long run.

Quite a few years ago, my closest friend (who lived in London and who is most definitely from the UK - same for her husband-to-be) decided she was going to have her hen weekend in France and her actual wedding over a number of days (a whole week!) in Italy. FFS! She knew I was struggling financially and trying to pay debts off so there was no way I could afford to do either, let alone both. She never said anything unpleasant to me but I was excluded from any involvement and it definitely damaged our friendship. Although I guess our friendship was already in trouble as I couldn't stand the man she was marrying. Still don't like him to this day and as a result, I've seen her once in 5 years. We excahange Christmas cards and that's about it. Very sad as we were so close for many years but people change and move on. C'est la vie.

Pachyderm1 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:18:11

She’s a selfish cow - seriously entitled behaviour! I’m so sorry op, that’s so shitty for you

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:20:12

I really don't see why she's a terrible friend by having a hen party that she wishes and not one to please thr op ? hmm

She clearly has other friends who are happy to go. I don't understand either op why uou now don't want to go to her wedding either it's not all about uou.

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