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Being made to feel like an awful friend for not going to hen party abroad?

(79 Posts)
UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 15:52:44

(long story short) One of my oldest friends is getting married and is having her hen party abroad. I've said I can't go to 1)seriously can't afford £370 plus spending money 2)its school term time so would have to pay for breakfast club (dd already dies afterschool due to me and DH working).
Was told it was optional to come as she's having a (very posh) 'hen shower' (I'm clueless) in a (very expensive) restaurant 3 weeks before the wedding. I told her I couldn't afford to go but will come to the 'hen shower'. All seemed fine but I've had comments made when we've met up and her fiance actually say 'only her real friends are the ones going away'.ve also noticed I've not been invited to alot of other meet ups since. So really isn't optional is it? At this point Im feeling really uncomfortable and don't want to go to the wedding.

UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 15:53:27

Does after school, not dies blush

Billballbaggins Mon 21-Jan-19 15:54:38

She’s not a very good friend OP.

allornuffin Mon 21-Jan-19 15:56:42

That's no friend... Take it she doesn't have children of her own yet? Sometimes people really don't 'get' that you can't just drop everything!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 21-Jan-19 15:56:54

She's not a good friend if she can't understand that you can't afford it and can't go during term time. I would still go to the wedding if you feel like it but would start backing away from that friendship.

Sorry, must feel a bit shitty for you though. flowers

Openandshut Mon 21-Jan-19 15:57:00

She's the awful friend, not you. It's ridiculous to demand that people spend a fortune on a hen party. If she wants to go abroad for it then fine but expecting everyone to spend hundreds of pounds to a accommodate her whims is ridiculous. I wouldn't be going to the wedding either if that's her attitude.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Mon 21-Jan-19 15:57:43

Also, she's having a hen do abroad AND a 'hen shower' (whatever the fuck that is)? Sounds like we have a bridezilla!

LagunaBubbles Mon 21-Jan-19 15:58:42

A true friend would understand your reasons for not going. Hence well she's not a true friend really.

HollyGoLoudly1 Mon 21-Jan-19 15:59:53

It's shit isn't it. I had similar comments when I declined a hen costing about £800! I said I couldn't afford it as I was saving for a house (true, but even if I wasn't I couldn't justify that much for a hen). Then anytime I spent money on anything I got comments along the lines of 'oh I thought you were saving for a deposit' or when the house purchase got delayed by a few months 'oh that means you can come to the hen now?'.

Plenty of people will come along and say 'just don't go, noone is forcing you' etc. But it's the sly comments/insinuations that go with it. Yes, I'm a terrible friend because I can't/won't spend hundreds of pounds/annual leave/childcare costs etc. to spend a weekend with a bunch of people I mostly don't know, at a destination I didn't choose, doing activities that aren't my cup of tea confused

Openandshut Mon 21-Jan-19 16:00:42

You don't need to have children to realise that expecting your friends to spend hundreds of pounds on a hen celebration is incredibly selfish.

KitKat1985 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:02:08

YANBU OP. I don't get why people think that other people want to spend hundreds of pounds to go to some hen event. It's bad enough sometimes having to pay to go to weddings.

Lydiaatthebarre Mon 21-Jan-19 16:03:03

Yes that 'no children' remark is really stupid.

OP, this girl sounds incredibly self absorbed and her fiancé no better. Talking about 'true friends' when they obviously don't understand what that is.

Aria2015 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:04:15

It's fine for her to be disappointed but she should have anticipated that by choosing to have an expensive hen do away. I was MH for my friend and didn't go to her hen do because of money and she was totally understanding about it. Yes, she might want you there but she should understand the reasons you can't be.

Loopytiles Mon 21-Jan-19 16:05:39

No one can “make you” feel anything: your friend is being U as is anyone else who makes a negative comment or excludes you.

captainpantbeard Mon 21-Jan-19 16:05:51

You were told it was optional - it’s ALWAYS optional.

Don’t feel bad about this for one minute. Real friends don’t expect friends to fork out a fortune to feed their whims.

ShakeYourTailFeathers Mon 21-Jan-19 16:07:53

They sound really childish.

UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 16:08:44

Thanks everyone, really appreciate your words smile

Jackshouse Mon 21-Jan-19 16:11:12

What the fuck is a hen shower? Are you suppose to bring gifts

user1471590586 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:12:48

Did you say anything to her fiance when he made the real friends comment?

DarlingNikita Mon 21-Jan-19 16:13:41

That's horrible and she's not a good friend.

'her fiance actually say 'only her real friends are the ones going away''. He's a prize bitch too, isn't he?

LuckyLou7 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:16:33

A hen shower? What the fresh hell is this? Yet another way of getting people to part with their hard-earned cash?

OP, if this woman is blanking you because you can't go to her hen party - and that's a heck of a lot of money unless you are one of the lucky posters on here who have an unlimited disposable income grin - then she's not someone you want as a friend. Stuff her, and stuff her wedding. Go away for the weekend with DH and DC with the money you would have spent on new clothes/travel/accommodation/gifts.

Mayrhofen Mon 21-Jan-19 16:16:49

Bloody hell, how many more hen party threads are we going to have.

HundredMilesAnHour Mon 21-Jan-19 16:17:18

Unfortunately, no matter how close a friend you are, these incessant overseas hen weekends (and weddings) always seem to cause issues with the bride and her friends. Not physically having the money, or not wanting to blow what little money you have doesn't seem to be accepted as a reason for not being able to attend - I suspect because the bride is well into the throws of bridezilla by this point and obviously hers is THE most important hen weekend/wedding ever.

Try not to worry about it OP. You have to put yourself first as only you know your situation. Ignore the snide digs or reduction in invites. It's their loss, not yours. Hopefully your friendship will recover but if this is the hill your bride friend chooses to die on, you're better off without her in the long run.

Quite a few years ago, my closest friend (who lived in London and who is most definitely from the UK - same for her husband-to-be) decided she was going to have her hen weekend in France and her actual wedding over a number of days (a whole week!) in Italy. FFS! She knew I was struggling financially and trying to pay debts off so there was no way I could afford to do either, let alone both. She never said anything unpleasant to me but I was excluded from any involvement and it definitely damaged our friendship. Although I guess our friendship was already in trouble as I couldn't stand the man she was marrying. Still don't like him to this day and as a result, I've seen her once in 5 years. We excahange Christmas cards and that's about it. Very sad as we were so close for many years but people change and move on. C'est la vie.

Pachyderm1 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:18:11

She’s a selfish cow - seriously entitled behaviour! I’m so sorry op, that’s so shitty for you

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:20:12

I really don't see why she's a terrible friend by having a hen party that she wishes and not one to please thr op ? hmm

She clearly has other friends who are happy to go. I don't understand either op why uou now don't want to go to her wedding either it's not all about uou.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 16:20:40

Wow I am sorry your friend is being an entitled Madame and you found out who she really is. My goodness she sounds really upherself, I would not go to any and the wedding and that would be it. What does she expect to do, take money from the bills and the kids mouths, seriously! I wod be distancing myself at best!

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 16:23:20

Bluntness read the op properly, and how she is treating op because op cannot afford to go.

Confusedbeetle Mon 21-Jan-19 16:25:05

When will this madness just stop? It is ridiculous. Who thought of these stupid hen dos, ? Just ban them

10PollyPockets Mon 21-Jan-19 16:25:37

Wow! Weddings seem to have become huge ridiculous year long celebrations. She's selfish to expect people to go to two hen dos and even more selfish to expect people have have over £500 spare for a hen weekend. Hen weekends are a pet peeve for me but I think they are only ok if people want to go and can afford it. She shouldn't be freezing you out because you can't afford it.

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:27:24

Gosh, I really don't understand why this woman has to have a hen that suits the ops purse. I'd assume she's not been invited to other meet ups because she is aware of the ops financial situation, and if she did invite her, thr op would be on here whinging about that.

Fuck knows why the fiance said what he said, but I think blaming the friend and dipping out of the wedding because of it is a bit much.

Dimsumlosesum Mon 21-Jan-19 16:27:24

That's not a friend. Or a nice person.

feelingverylazytoday Mon 21-Jan-19 16:28:00

Bluntness she's been a terrible (maybe a slight exaggeration there) friend because she and her fiance are making snidey little digs about her, which is making the OP feel as if she doesn't want to attend the wedding either. Would you want to go to a wedding if the couple were being bitchy about you? I wouldn't. I think I'd save my cash and stay at home with people who are nice to me.

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:30:10

No of course not, but other than one comment what the fiancé said, the op has given no examples of anything her friend has said.

lunicorn Mon 21-Jan-19 16:30:20

Has she been like this with you at other times?

Bubba1234 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:30:38

Iv had the same experience.
The bride had 3 hen parties. One abroad one at a local restaurant and another one which was 2 days down the country in a hotel and activities.
I went to the restaurant one but I couldn’t stay after the meal as the bride said after the food to split the bill after we ate so I was left with nothing in my purse ( or for food for the week).
It was an uncomfortable atmosphere as I wasn’t liked by a lot of people there.
I was black marked because I didn’t go to the other 2 hens and her side of the family ingnored me at the wedding and gave me dirty looks and walked away when I tried to speak ( making friendly conversation)
She’s still giving out about her guests years later.
Weddings turn people into horrible people op you are not a bad friend.

Openandshut Mon 21-Jan-19 16:30:49

Its fine to have a hen party abroad if that's what you wish. What isn't fine is expecting that all of your friends will or can join you, and what's even more unreasonable is making rude comments because they aren't willing or able to spend hundreds of pounds to accommodate your desires.

InSightMars Mon 21-Jan-19 16:31:12

You are not the bad friend - she is. If my value to my friends is based on how much money I am prepared to spend and how many hoops I am prepared to jump through to validate their expensive wedding plans then, not only wouldn't I be going to the hen trip or the shower, I wouldn't be going to the wedding either.

Brides, spend as much as you like on your wedding and all the prep leading up to it and I hope you have a truly magical experience followed by a lifetime of happiness but your 'right' to have everything the way you want stops right at the point where other people are having to fork out in ways that means real life cutbacks in other areas. Ive heard of people giving up annual holidays for their entire family becuase they've felt obliged to spend so much on the events surrounding a friend's wedding. That's not ok. It's not up to your friends and family to realise your visions of expensive overseas trips for hen parties and expensive showers and expensive bridesmaids dresses you expect them to pay for and time off work to attend midweek ceremonies and expensive accommodation because youve chosen a venue in the middle of nowhere and booked a block of rooms and your room comes free if you fill the others. NO ONE owes you any of that.

feelingverylazytoday Mon 21-Jan-19 16:31:23

Well she said 'comments' . Do we need to know what they were exactly?

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:32:50

What's she personally said op? Everyone is using the fact she's being horrid to uou as the reason she's in the wrong. Can you give examples of what she's been saying?

IdleBetty Mon 21-Jan-19 16:34:37

A true friend would be mortified that you are feeling this way.
Her fiance has got too much to say in my opinion.

Angelicwings Mon 21-Jan-19 16:36:56

Bluntness100 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:20:12 "I really don't see why she's a terrible friend by having a hen party that she wishes and not one to please thr op ? hmm She clearly has other friends who are happy to go. I don't understand either op why uou now don't want to go to her wedding either it's not all about uou."

But Bluntness, the problem seems to be that the BF has taken umbrage to OP not coming on her dream hen do. If BF said "Sure fine, I understand why you can't come on the abroad do, we'll have fun on the hen shower (which OP is going to) then I don't think OP would be posting here?

RomanyRoots Mon 21-Jan-19 16:37:24

Good friends don't act like this.
She also can't make you feel anything, only you can do that.
I bet if you look back your oldest friend has not been a true friend.
Just tell her you are sorry but you can't be a part of proceedings as it's really expensive and you can't afford that type of money.
I wouldn't be going to the wedding tbh, her fiance sounds like a twat too, to say that about her friends.

nothinglikeadame Mon 21-Jan-19 16:41:09

Hen do's seem to be a great way for people to show their true colours, and for brides to show how little they care for their friends.

OP, you are in charge of your feelings..if you cannot have a straight , frank conversation with this woman about why you can't go, and how they are making you feel.then I think it's time to cut her loose and not go to the expense of the wedding either.

Hold your head high and let them get on with their entitled lives.

Drum2018 Mon 21-Jan-19 16:43:31

Ignore his petty comments - seriously what a pathetic guy she is marrying. I'd give the hen shower a miss too if it's going to be one of these new fangled excuses to get more gifts! You are much more mature so try to rise above their self centred bullshit.

When they do go on the hen, snooze all friends on Facebook/social media for the time around the hen, as otherwise your head will be melted with photos.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 16:45:24

I can't believe some people on here are agreeing with the friend. Yes have the hen you want, but you have to understand that not everyone will be able to afford it. Op friend sounds awful, making comments to her, snubbing her, and the comment her fiance made to her about only B2B real friends coming, this must have come from bride herself, or bride moaning about op to her fiance. Tbh that would not a make anyone want to go to the wedding after that. She sounds really nasty.

MidnightAura Mon 21-Jan-19 16:49:20

I know a bride that had two hen dos. A fancy weekend away and a hen night locally and I thought that was crazy!

For what it’s worth I wouldn’t go in your shoes. Your friend sounds awful.

ScreamingValenta Mon 21-Jan-19 16:51:46

"Hen shower" confused

Jamiefraserskilt Mon 21-Jan-19 16:52:20

If you have a Destination wedding and/or hen party then you have to accept not everyone invited will be able to go.
End of.
It isn't that you don't want to go but that logistically, it is not possible.
People that decide to hold that against you are not worth a bean.

Cocopops2010 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:00:10

She's got completely wrapped up in the wedding and isn't thinking of other people at all. I'm sorry - not a great friend. I'd keep your distance and then see if she comes back to you. Once she has children of her own she'll realise!
I had a similar situation - a friend of mine had three hen dos, one abroad (I went to two but not the abroad one). Also friend asked me to contribute £500 to the hen party as I was a bridesmaid (?!?). When I said no, got lots of comments at later meet ups about being poor etc. Friendship ruined, haven't spoken to her for ages. In retrospect, should have distanced myself sooner and maybe she'd have realised that her behaviour was bad.

UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 17:04:57

I didn't even think of a gift! I've never heard of a hen shower prior to the invite.

Clionba Mon 21-Jan-19 17:05:08

As pp have said above....
a hen shower?? hmm

YouokHun Mon 21-Jan-19 17:05:21

I’m so glad my wedding/hen night attendance days are long gone! Why are some people so grabby, “hen shower”?? Expensive hen extravaganza over a weekend?? Of course people can do what they want as long as they accept others won’t be able to stretch to afford to join them, but to comment when people can’t do these extravagances is plain unkind - I think in your shoes I’d probably not go to any of it, wedding included.

ehohtinkywinky Mon 21-Jan-19 17:05:38

A hen shower? I've heard it all now. Because people getting married don't get enough gifts already hmm. Talk about forgetting the point of a wedding, she sounds like a grade A CF.

AnotherShirtRuined Mon 21-Jan-19 17:08:09

Real friends don't make others get into debt or spend their entire food budget for their own amusement's sake.

YouokHun Mon 21-Jan-19 17:09:22

She’s probably expecting a gift for her ‘shower’, for the other Hen night, and a wedding present.

Clionba Mon 21-Jan-19 17:13:41

Some people must have a lot of disposable income.
Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant.
Does nobody just do that anymore?

BasinHaircut Mon 21-Jan-19 17:19:28

The last of my close friends married last year.

Thank fuck that’s over is all I can say! Sick of the relentlessness of weddings. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good wedding (the actual day) but the rest of it I’m completely done with.

C8H10N4O2 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:21:42

Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant

^This

The escalation of hen/stag nights into overpriced foreign trips and of weddings into expensive three ring circuses isn't progress.

If you have a destination wedding/hen do then not everyone will be able to attend so you have a simple choice - is celebrating with your friends more or less important than an expensive trip?

If the trip takes priority over the friends' attendance then fair enough but snubbing them because they can't afford it isn't the mark of a genuine friend.

BBCONEANDTWO Mon 21-Jan-19 17:22:57

Even if you had the money you can't always get the time off and if it was me I would never go on a hen weekend abroad. I'd rather spend my annual leave and money going away with really close friends or OH.

You're definitely not in the wrong here - she is.

UhAreWeThereYet Mon 21-Jan-19 17:26:17

Bluntness you don't happen to be my friend do you? Haha, just joking. I'm not going to list them, I've not been invited to coffee/lunch/meet ups because 'they know money's tight and don't want me to feel bad about saying no' it's the tone and manner things are said, along with 'Sally (friend who is going and not actual persons name) is a single mum and she's managed to come, you could get it (£) together if you really wanted to (Sally's dd and ds are 19 and 17), general passive aggreive things.

Coyoacan Mon 21-Jan-19 17:26:20

It sounds like they are weeking out their friends according to income. Sad

Drum2018 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:27:15

Clionba I went as far as travelling to the area where the majority of my friends and family lived to have my hen, so that nobody had to pay for accommodation. We had a meal in a restaurant/bar/disco. Gone are the days ...

YouokHun Mon 21-Jan-19 17:28:09

*Me and my friends had hen dos 30-40 years ago and it was usually an evening in a wine bar, or a meal in a restaurant.
Does nobody just do that anymore?*

I’m hoping the quiet majority just gets on with a simple night out and we don’t hear about them because their friends don’t need to post on MN in desperation.

Clionba Mon 21-Jan-19 17:30:53

That's nice Drum, and I bet your friends were appreciative.
I've got fantastic memories of great evenings in a little wine bar, or a local Italian restaurant etc.
A lovely night out, bank not broken, nobody excluded.

Clionba Mon 21-Jan-19 17:31:47

YouokHun - yes, I hope so too!

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 17:34:29

So making you feelbad and singling you out, that's not nice.

danceyourselfsilly Mon 21-Jan-19 17:42:12

I have a vision of a load of wet chickens...
they sound awful tbh and probably fb addicts
If she is an old friend I would still go to the wedding and then maybe rethink your friendship?

Jaxhog Mon 21-Jan-19 17:44:11

As several people have said, she's no friend. And if you lose her as a friend, it'll be no great loss. Let her throw her money around if she wants to. You don't have to do it too.

I've never understood this whole showing off, overseas, hen party, bridal shower, 50k wedding in a marquee stuff. It shouldn't be about who can spend the most money, but about celebrating a wonderful occasion with your best friends. And going somewhere that suits everyone.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 17:56:25

I woulden't be surprised if they are all talking about you behind your back, if they are like that to your face, how are they like when you are not there! And bride badmouthing you to them. I would not be surprised if they have not go a whatsapp group set up without you in it.

TulipsInbloom1 Mon 21-Jan-19 17:58:57

If it comes up with her I'd probably just say something like "sorry I didn't realise I had to pay to be your friend. See you round"

pootleposeyperkin Mon 21-Jan-19 18:05:09

Hen shower = wanky bollocks. I'd swerve the whole nonsense if I were you.

HazelBite Mon 21-Jan-19 18:15:24

I've just had to Google "Hen Shower"
The clue is in the word shower ,no doubt there will be a gift list for this!

Applesaregreenandred Mon 21-Jan-19 18:48:01

Threads like this make me glad that I married in the early 90's when a Hen Do was a meal and a night out at a local night club!

IdleBetty Mon 21-Jan-19 19:44:14

Sounds a bit Mean Girls to me, bitching behind your back.

They are not your friends.
Head up and move on, you don't need people like that in your life.

IsItThatTimeAgain Mon 21-Jan-19 19:54:36

Sometimes it takes a wedding to realise a "friend" is actually a selfish bitch. :/

Ownerofalittlechimp Mon 21-Jan-19 19:59:33

I second what the majority are saying here, head up, ignore, you aren't the problem here op.

FWIW I've been in a similar situation except if was the CB that caused the issues. What started off as a reasonably priced night away quickly spiralled to a mega bucks weekend in a city we live 20 minutes from. I had to save hard for the original planned cost but when that went from £120 - £600 without any food/drinks or taxis i had to decline. The guilt texts, emails & PA Facebook comments were ridiculous & i was ignored by both bride & CB at the wedding even when congratulating etc. Funnily enough i don't see either of them anymore

Aeroflotgirl Mon 21-Jan-19 22:06:47

I got married in 2004, and my hen was a night out at the local chinese buffet and a day out at Alton Towers, with friend staying at mine instead of a hotel.

balletclassonfriday Tue 22-Jan-19 14:00:15

You sound quite defensive Bluntness. Are you by any chance a bride who got a bit sulky when some of your friends couldn't attend your expensive hen do?

Piffle11 Tue 22-Jan-19 14:46:02

Thank your lucky stars that you've been given an insight into her true character. She can choose the hen party of her dreams - but she cannot force people to go. If you choose to stage a hen party or wedding abroad, you have to be prepared for people to decline to attend: money, holidays, childcare … it all needs factoring in. Your friend should be disappointed but understanding of your situation - the fact that she and her OH are making mean comments, and that you've been left out of coffee mornings etc for your own financial good shows that she is determined to deliberately punish you. I'd walk away from this 'friendship' and I wouldn't be attending the wedding.

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