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to ask posters who have had expensive hen parties abroad...why?

(38 Posts)
Carnivaloftheanimals Mon 21-Jan-19 14:52:04

You read so many threads on here where posters are complaining about the cost and inconvenience of these expensive affairs. I have also heard people in RL bemoaning the expense, the pressure to attend, the having to take annual leave from work etc.

So I do wonder why brides continue to have these expensive shindigs when they must be aware that it means at least some of the group being put under pressure to attend when they can't afford it, or not being able to go when they could attend something a bit simpler and cheaper?

PinkGin24 Mon 21-Jan-19 14:54:20

No one HAS to go... entirely upto the Bride what they want to do on their Hen Do aslong as they acceot that as a result some people won't be able to go.

FluffyMcCloud Mon 21-Jan-19 14:56:15

One of the best weekends of my life was at a friends hen weekend abroad. I also do weekends away abroad with friends for no reason other than we enjoy it. No one is forced to participate!

Sparklesocks Mon 21-Jan-19 15:03:54

In my experience it’s not even the bride’s decision, the bridesmaids/MOH decide to do it abroad.

I think a lot of fancy hen do planning comes from wanting to give the bride a great time and getting carried away. They might know their best mate is just happy to be in a pub etc but they feel the pressure to make it ‘special’ and it escalates. Also if everyone is getting married at the same time the hen dos might be slightly competitive or feel the need to be matched – i.e. if your best mate organised 2 nights in Barcelona for your hen, then you might feel you need to do something as equally good/better when you organise hers. I’m not saying I agree with it, but I think pressures of having a good hen can get to people. They used to be a night in the pub, now they’re weekends away – you could choose to buck the trend and go back to the standard one night out plan, but what if youre afraid your mate is secretly disappointed and wanted a mini trip?

It seems like keeping the bride out of the planning means the pressure is higher to do something special, even though she’d probably have a great time having a nice high tea with some bubbles.

Pachyderm1 Mon 21-Jan-19 15:05:13

No one is forced to participate but plenty are pressured with manipulative comments about how sad the bride will be, it’s her hen after all...

It’s rarely as simple as people are making out. People feel a sense of obligation, they fear upsetting people, they say no and their decision is then undermined by wheedling or ‘solutions’ to excuses. Or they might truly love the bride and feel desperate to attend, even if it means stress and financial anxiety.

I think that asking people to travel abroad is selfish in and of itself. No invitation is free from obligation, and you’re telling yourself a convenient lie if you think it’s as simple as someone just saying no if they don’t want to come.

afrikat Mon 21-Jan-19 15:08:49

I had a fabulous time at my friends hen do in Barcelona. We don't get to see each other much so it was wonderful to have a whole child free weekend

BeardofZeus Mon 21-Jan-19 15:10:48

I’ve never been on a hen do abroad, but would welcome the opportunity! My DH on the other hand has 4 stag dos this year, all abroad! It’s become a thing for their group of friends.. and you say its expensive but one of the destinations is Kyiv and its £66 return flight and £7 for three nights’ accommodation!!

Thesnobbymiddleclassone Mon 21-Jan-19 15:11:03

As bridesmaids we've organised one and it was purely because we got so much included in a fixed price for a certain amount of people. It was a good deal that included activities, food and drink and discounts on local activities if we wanted to do them.

ExplodedPeach Mon 21-Jan-19 15:11:53

Because it's fun and they want to and they have enough friends/family who think the same way to make it viable.

A friend had one in a "party" destination, she was the first in her friendship group to get married, the first of her sisters to get married, no-one had any big financial obligations and most people either had good enough jobs that the money wasn't a big deal, or they enjoyed that type of holiday enough that they didn't mind it being their holiday for the year. I didn't fall into either of those categories so I didn't go - she was disappointed but not majorly - there were plenty of other people who did go and she had a great time (and a more local hen do which was much smaller and cheaper).

VelcroMummy Mon 21-Jan-19 15:12:10

Exactly what @Pachyderm1 said! No one is "forced" to but there is a lot of pressure

BunsOfAnarchy Mon 21-Jan-19 15:13:53

Mine was planned by my sils/friends/cousins.
I didnt even know i was going abroad till a week before. It was absolutely fantastic. No pressure on anyone to attend. They found cheap flights and an air bnb. There is no way i would have held anyone over a barrel for not coming due to the cost.

ProfessorCustard Mon 21-Jan-19 15:14:21

My friends and I love travelling abroad. What's not to like about a fun weekend in another country? If you don't like travelling, stay at home or have your hen at the local pub. Your choice.

3WildOnes Mon 21-Jan-19 15:14:43

I love going on hen dos abroad.
I had a day hen do for everyone and a weekend abroad for my closest friends, we already go away together so it wasn’t that out of the ordinary.

ExplodedPeach Mon 21-Jan-19 15:15:04

And also when your friends live spread across the country, even a low-key night out can end up costing a fortune if you have to drive for 5 hours. I'm not married, but most of my friends would probably rather spend a couple of hundred on a weekend flying somewhere slightly exotic than spend £80 travelling across the UK and then staying in a travel lodge or sleeping on an air mattress on my living room floor after a "local" night out.

thecatsthecats Mon 21-Jan-19 15:18:07

I'm answering on behalf of the men in my office who go on stag dos abroad as standard.

They all go to one or two a year, as an excuse for a lads getaway. They generally go for 3-4 nights, and stay in relatively crap but very cheap hotels, in very cheap parts of Europe. Yes, one main night will be centred on getting the groom shitfaced, but the rest of it is just a general holiday without 'the wimmen'. They're always the same group of mates, so it isn't forced fun with strangers, it's a getaway with your mates.

My friend who tried to arrange her hen do abroad had 'always wanted to go away' as she was really keen on travelling. It didn't work out.

JasperKarat Mon 21-Jan-19 15:25:06

My hen wasn't abroad but it's only in MN it seems like such an awful thing. IME brides are laid back if people can't come and lots of people enjoy them. I've been on two and had a fantastic time on both, I wanted to go, liked the people going (and made some new friends) and could afford it, so there's no problem.
There are some odd MN phenomena like this, see also ham being the food of the devil...

Lydiaatthebarre Mon 21-Jan-19 15:30:12

All this 'no one is forced to go' is such a load of rubbish. It is quite obvious, even just reading threads on here, that many people do feel put under huge pressure to go, and that many who stick to their guns find themselves on the receiving end of sulks and bad feeling from the bride.

So no, no one has their hands tied behind their back and is frog marched onto the plane. But a lot of people are most certainly put under a lot of pressure. Not to mention the events which start out relatively simple and affordable and then grow and grow into ridiculously extravagant affairs.

I, too, would be interested to hear from more of the actual brides themselves on this question.

Lydiaatthebarre Mon 21-Jan-19 15:31:56

I think you'll find the reason it's 'only on MN' is that in real life people are afraid to cause offence by speaking out, or being accused of being a wet blanket.

Maybe more people should be honest about their feelings. It might cause some brides to wake up to the inconvenience and expense they put other people to.

Iloveacurry Mon 21-Jan-19 15:36:04

My hen do wasn’t abroad, just a night out in London. But I have been on two hen dos abroad, and they were two of the best weekends I’ve had with my friends.

DontCallMeCharlotte Mon 21-Jan-19 15:38:21

I've only been on one hen do abroad (but then most of my friends were getting married 20-25 years ago before it was a "thing"). The Bride to be had organised it herself but even she wasn't really up for it and just wanted to get back to the hotel early so she could call her fiance. Annoyingly we had all agreed to stick together which meant I was in bed, pretty sober, by about 10.30pm. Doubly annoyingly, there were two of my then-favourite bands playing in the city that night and it would have been great to see one of them. On the plus side, it made for a fairly cheap weekend.

I would go but I think if there were several in one year, I might have to draw the line somewhere. I do go away with friends anyway.

(My own hen night was in the city where I lived and we went to a club on a boat which was free entry before 10pm and had a cheesy disco. They did bar food which some of us had but it wasn't a formal sit-down meal so it could be as cheap as you like. I had a bloody brilliant time.)

Lydiaatthebarre Mon 21-Jan-19 15:39:11

Yes Iloveacurry but if three of your friends and three of your DPs friends all got married over the same Summer and all had expensive weekend/holliday abroad type stags and hens how would you feel about having to fork out for them all?

It's not about whether people enjoy themselves, it's about whether some people are there under pressure when they really can't afford it, and the one they had to go to last month and the one in September that they know they'll be hassled to attend.

BigFatBloomers Mon 21-Jan-19 15:39:24

But also on here are the people who have a problem with it.

You don’t hear people saying “Been invited to a hen do abroad. Sounds great. Looking forward to it.”

shaggedthruahedgebackwards Mon 21-Jan-19 15:43:05

I went on my first abroad hen do last summer and it was bloody good fun!

If I couldn't afford it or didn't fancy it I wouldn't have agreed to go

Sleeplikeasloth Mon 21-Jan-19 15:47:31

... Because it was a good excuse to do a trip with friends that I'd wanted to do for many years.

But, I was very cared with budget, and got a really good price, put no one under pressure to come, no one paid for my share, and I paid for one of my friends who would otherwise not been able to afford it.

I then had a more low key local night out and a meal for those who couldn't afford the weekend/had family commitments which meant they couldn't go.

Sleeplikeasloth Mon 21-Jan-19 15:47:48

*careful with budget.

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