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To ask dh to show me evidence he’s not lying

(186 Posts)
breadhead Sun 20-Jan-19 22:48:08

It’s only a petty thing, but Dh has lied about lots of petty things in the past and I’m putting my foot down now after too much upset.

He is currently saying he’s not sure whether he should show me the evidence or that I should just trust him. I clearly don’t trust him, and need to see proof to help me regain my trust.

Am I being unreasonable??

FraggleRocking Tue 22-Jan-19 17:16:10

OP, your posts are really resonating with me. Many years ago, for a period of about 12-18 months my DP would lie to me, about big things, little things and things in between until we hit a breaking point. Like you, it was obvious when he lied to me. You just know, so you’re not sure why? The trust felt like it was completely broken and I started doing insane stuff like opening his post (not proud). Then, he broke too. He was ashamed and scared. We had the most phenomenal, emotional talk. We both learnt a lot and it turns out we both had our part to play. Yes, he was wrong to lie, but he had his reasons and slowly the trust rebuilt. We communicate amazingly now, much better than before and I can’t remember the last time a lie was told. He is now my DH.
I, personally, think your situation is workable but there will probably be some underlying issues and he might be frightened to communicate. Oh, and you need to give up being angry, I spent far too long doing this. It’s just exhausting. If you’re not sure about working it out just the 2 of you, I’d definitely agree with others who suggest counselling. Good luck.

HeddaGarbled Tue 22-Jan-19 16:47:23

100% honesty isn’t realistic: Does my bum look big in this; is my sister prettier than me etc. Most of us tell lies to avoid upsetting people on occasions.

What he is doing is telling lies to avoid being “told off”. He’ll have learned this as a child (over-strict parents, perhaps?) and it will be so much a part of his personality and behaviour that it will be very hard habit to break.

Your idea that he learn to be assertive is spot on but unfortunately it’s just turned into another occasion when he’s lied to stop you telling him off.

I’m not blaming you at all, because you must be at the end of your tether, but the way you’re dealing with his lying isn’t working, and may actually be making him worse. Have you tried just saying it straight “I know you are lying so am not going to continue talking to you right now”?

BejamNostalgia Tue 22-Jan-19 00:52:10

Yes, our discussion was about the fault of his incessant little lies over the years and how upsetting I find them

He doesn’t lie regularly

That’s a bit of a contradiction. Incessant and not regularly. Hmm.

breadhead Mon 21-Jan-19 19:32:40

DoJo, no I don’t think he’d lie about anything that would harm the children. I think if he was affecting them in that way I would have gone by now.

He doesn’t lie regularly but there’s been enough times over the years and enough big lies to make me hyper-sensitive to any little untruths now. I told him I have to have 100% honesty about everything otherwise it just can’t work.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Mon 21-Jan-19 18:38:34

My DH can be a bit like this - the lies of the ‘they had no milk in Tesco’ type. I think it’s a hangover from childhood which wasn’t great.

It doesn’t bother me. But that’s irrelevant. It bothers you. I’m not sure I’d go down the wanting proof route, because to me that signals the beginning of the end.

flowers sounds like a really tough situation.

DoJo Mon 21-Jan-19 18:27:41

Stop hounding him to change and trying to force him to be someone he isn’t. If he wanted to change then feel free to support. But to try and push self help books on him? Sounds more like a criticism than support.

By this logic, every issue in a relationship is a dealbreaker - you either accept that someone does something that makes you unhappy or leave. There would be no point talking to your partner about the things you find hard to live with and you should just up sticks or resign yourself to be forever annoyed.

OP - do you think he would lie, for example, about having taken one of the kids to a doctor's appointment if he forgot? Or say he'd given a dose of antibiotics even if he hadn't? Because that kind of thing would be a dealbreaker for me and I think most people would consider that quite a heinous lie. However, the habitual liar in my life would have put that on a par with 'did you buy that book' and would lie about that kind of thing it even if doing so landed his daughter in hospital (spoiler - it did.).

SistersResistingTheCisThing Mon 21-Jan-19 18:24:31

Does he lie to the DC?

TaintforTheLikesOfWe Mon 21-Jan-19 18:20:51

OP I think you have to issue an ultimatum. It sounds like this habit of his is grinding your love to dust. I would not be able to tolerate it and am wondering why you are getting so many truly strange responses on here.

gamerchick Mon 21-Jan-19 18:15:27

See OP, this is the score. He will never change, it's an ingrained habit from being young. You either have to accept him lies and all or leave. You will dump him eventually though especially when it starts affecting the kids.

Duchessgummybuns Mon 21-Jan-19 18:10:28

It all sounds very stressful for you OP. I used to be married to a habitual liar myself. From lies that a shop didn’t have any stock (lush Had no bath bombs? I don’t think so) to a 2 year affair with a friend of mine. We have a DD together and he’s still genuinely shocked when I don’t believe a word he says.

Wineandrosesagain Mon 21-Jan-19 18:10:19

Op quite a few of us get it (the hard of the thinking or the goady twats can’t/purposely won’t get it). It is so so hard to deal with as it is exhausting and incomprehensible to non-liars. If he can’t or won’t acknowledge what he’s doing and how distressing it is for you, I would separate. I could not live my life like this; it is too stressful to have to second guess everything he says. ☹️

gamerchick Mon 21-Jan-19 18:10:10

My ex lied about everything. Which train he was on, where he went for coffee, which supermarket he went to, what he had for dinner. Everything

Heh do we have the same ex? grin

I remember one memorable incident where I asked the ex to pop down to the council tax office for something. He came back and said they had closed early for the day due to a burst pipe. I went myself the week after and found the whole office had moved premises 6 months earlier.

He stood by his lie, looked me right in the eye and said I was wrong that he had went and they had closed early. Wouldn't back down at all.

It literally like a death of a thousand paper cuts and those defending this shit have never encountered someone close to them who do this. I've never wanted to hurt anyone as much as I wanted to hurt him by the end of our relationship, I could picture myself doing it. It's fuck all about being controlling. hmm

explodingkitten Mon 21-Jan-19 18:07:04

I once dated a habitual loer for 5 months. It was years ago and the fact that I was lied to so much still makes me feel nauseous (sp?) even though I don't care about the other issues anymore. It's such a total disrespect towards someone to constantly lie. I couldn't have a relationship with a liar again. They find their own comfortability sooo much more important then what their partner feels. All that being lied to makes you question yourself so much. It so unhealthy mentally speaking.

I'm normally a bit careful to say LTB but honestly I couldn't advise you to even try to stay in this relationship.

BarbarianMum Mon 21-Jan-19 17:39:52

So why are you flogging a dead horse? You're not compatible. Move on.

Smotheroffive Mon 21-Jan-19 17:10:43

His issue, or the relationship issue, is that he doesn't maybe see it as an issue. No matter what you say, if he won't acknowledge it as an issue, then that's him refusing to acknowledge that it is a huge barrier to a relationship.

Wolfiefan Mon 21-Jan-19 16:58:07

“What he thinks I can do to help.”
Stop hounding him to change and trying to force him to be someone he isn’t. If he wanted to change then feel free to support. But to try and push self help books on him? Sounds more like a criticism than support.

breadhead Mon 21-Jan-19 16:42:23

BlueLuna, there’s been several big lies too over the years. Or just general secrecy.

Smotheroffive Mon 21-Jan-19 16:41:17

No, blueluna and all other posters blaming OP. You don't know anything other than what's been said. He's lied continually, always.

Death by a thousand papercuts, yes. You can't have any kind of relationship with a continual liar.

AutumnCrow Mon 21-Jan-19 16:19:04

Living with a liar is death by a thousand papercuts territory.

Everything from 'Do we have much milk left?' to 'did you transfer that two grand?' can be met with inexplicable dissembling and it just makes you feel unwell in the end.

The Liar I Lived With crucially lies to himself too to protect his ego. Big lies, little lies, internalised lies. It's demoralising and exhausting being with someone like this.

BlueLuna Mon 21-Jan-19 16:08:35

Shouldn't the question be why he feels he needs to like to over such trivial things. You sound controlling.

MrsJasonIsbell Mon 21-Jan-19 15:49:44

Some people just lie all the time (about anything, trivial or important) like my ex partner. I would never have a relationship with a liar again.

Smotheroffive Mon 21-Jan-19 15:42:23

Yes, yes, wisdom ! Absolutely, its circling and rives you nuts in the end!

Bishalisha Mon 21-Jan-19 15:38:11

*I'm with you OP, however he can't show it to you because it doesn't exist as he is lying again.

My ex was a constant liar about everything, from big to the smallest most irrelevant things. Asking him to show proof would lead to arguments about how I should just trust him. Even if it became obvious he was lying, it was still my fault apparently because the lie was nothing compared to the "crime" of me not trusting him. You can never come out on top with people like this.

"I'm sorry, I won't lie any more" is just another lie, said by a known liar.*


I completely get it op. My ex was a liar about just about everything from small and completely insignificant things to big things. You begin to start doubting yourself and wonder if you’re going mad questioning things.

breadhead Mon 21-Jan-19 15:30:32

Yes, I get what you mean. That’s something I am going to have to think about.

If I’m honest his passivity has always irritated me, but it was certainly never a dealbreaker. I can live with passivity. But iits manifestation into him lying to me is what it seems has really damaged our relationship. And he’s done it from the very start so yes it’s my fault for not dealing with all this sooner.

Well I’m confused now. I’m sure I have a role to play in this too, somehow. Will have a chat to him later and see what he thinks I can do to help.

adaline Mon 21-Jan-19 14:39:34

How is that wrong??? I really don't get a lot of the responses on here

I think people don't understand why you're trying to change who he is. You say he's never been very assertive but you chose to marry him and have a family with him knowing all that. You're trying to change something which is clearly a fundamental part of his personality and that's never going to make either of you happy.

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